How to Stop Falling For the Wrong People
I think I’m drowning
asphyxiated
I wanna break this spell
that you’ve created
you’re something beautiful
a contradiction
I wanna play the game
I want the friction
Muse, Time is Running Out
It’s all about the friction.
Friction (def.):
1. The rubbing of one object or surface against another.
2. Conflict, as between persons having dissimilar ideas or interests; clash.
We all know how good the first kind feels, we can’t live without that. But what about the second kind? Conflict. Why are we relentlessly drawn to conflict, and why do we get off on it? It can be emotional or strategic. Conflict gets our juices flowing. It engages our competitive instincts, and captures our imagination. It’s a form of entertainment. We become invested in the process of winning what we want. We can become so invested, in fact, that we make ourselves sick with the wanting. It’s a craving, a longing so powerful that when we acquire the desired object, the high is amazing. The excitement is addictive.
Now, contrast that with the feelings you experience when your best guy friend and you decide to hook up. You know he’s had a thing for you for ages, and he is the nicest guy. He would make a great boyfriend, not to mention husband and father someday. It can feel decidedly anticlimactic. More of a blip than a bang.
If you’re a guy, perhaps there’s a girl you think is hot, and you have fantasized about getting her for yourself. You know lots of other guys want her, and she knows it too. If you could break her, tame her, that would be awesome. One night, you spit your best game at her. And she’s all about it. The next day, you’re getting text after text. It turns out she’s a Stage 5 clinger. Done and done.
We want the challenge. We need it, and the drama that goes with it, to value the prize. The difficulty arises when we get lazy about it. We allow ourselves to be drawn toward those individuals who are famous for providing that challenge. We know they’ll throw the biggest obstacles in our way, so if we can succeed, the win will be huge. We will be top dog. Of course, those people have had lots of practice. They are skilled at keeping you off balance. They have perfected their game.
Between the needy Stage 5 Clinger and the Psycho Bitch is the woman you could really have something with.
Between the adoring Let’s Just Be Friends Guy, and the Biggest Douchebag Ever is the man you can fall for in a good way.
Here’s my advice for all the men and women between those two dysfunctional extremes:
Assert self-confidence.
We are programmed to seek the best mate possible, and we will only commit if we feel sure that we are unlikely to do better elsewhere. The fear that we are leaving something on the table is real, and we require social proof, or validation, that this person has high mating value. Self-confidence is one important indicator of mating value, because it signals that a person expects to be successful based on prior experience.
Provide the right kind of security.
Women feel comfortable and secure when men are emotionally strong. We do not want to dominate a weak man, and we will test a man to assure ourselves that he has a backbone. By the same token, a woman with healthy self-esteem does not want to be pushed around.
Men feel comfortable when women give them room to be strong and male, but they don’t want a doormat either. They want to be able to respect a woman, and can only do so if she calls him out when necessary.
Convey a sense of independence.
Men and women alike are attracted to individuals who lead interesting and independent lives. We assign higher value to people who are not constantly available to us, at our beck and call. Stop broadcasting your interest. On the other hand, don’t pretend you are busy when someone wants to see you. BE busy in your life, but make time when you can for someone you are interested in.
Display real maturity.
A certain amount of strategy is useful in the initial attraction stage of a relationship. However, even among people who mean well, strategy can easily devolve into mind games and a continuous struggle for the upper hand. A mature individual will correct for this early on. You do this by resisting the urge to rise to the bait when it’s excessive, and by communicating this to the other person. If someone tries to make you jealous, don’t fall into that trap. Ask them why they felt the need to do that. If someone is running hot and cold, you take their “cold” lack of interest at face value. When they try to turn up the heat, you call them out on mixed messages, and indicate that you don’t have time for it.
Set boundaries on your own behavior as well. Getting up the balls to talk out something difficult is infinitely easier than untangling the misunderstandings that come from manipulating another person.
There is a pursuer and a distancer in every relationship, bar none. However, the best relationships are close to 50/50. When it’s 48/52, there’s just enough friction to keep things interesting. Roles can and do switch back and forth, so it’s not very important which side of the equation you sit on, if your relationship is in equilibrium.
Women will always be drawn to bad boys. What we really want, though, is a good man with a bit of bad boy attitude thrown in. Know your own worth, demonstrate that you know it, and you’ll find that women will like you just fine. We really don’t want to spend our lives in the Bad Boy Vortex.
Men will never be choosy about who they have sex with, but they are only likely to commit to a woman they respect. It’s your job to be worthy of respect by earning it. Hold out for what you want and deserve in a relationship, but be prepared to give as much as you demand. And it doesn’t hurt to be sexy as hell in bed, so channel your Psycho Bitch impulses there.
Going after people who are way out there, two standard deviations from the behavioral mean, is a recipe for unhappiness and repeated failure. There is no shortage of attractive potential mates inside the bell curve. It’s all about developing yourself first, and positioning yourself second.
That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!
Related posts:
Ok, all well & good here. I know this next bit will come off as profoundly silly in part. But this is & to some extent has always been my essential problem here. You know all those hypothetical HS/college physics problems where they state at the outset 'Assume a frictionless environment'? And yet you know, and they know, and the Prof knows that's mostly absurd? That's just about impossible on earth and most unlikely even in near earth orbit? Well I've got one of those. Sure, it's slowly developed over the years, but then it's just snowballed with ever increasing speed. But it's now fully developed so that basically the only friction we have comes from job stress, mostly. And most of the rest is pretty petty stuff. Sure we also have the typical long standing 'unresolved issues' and other sometimes things that just cannot be changed. We try to cheerfully accept them. But mostly? There's never much friction. (No, don't misunderstand, the sex's actually gotten a bit better). But friction in our daily lives? The wife & I see to it that it's being actively basically banished from the household. And that's strange & wonderful in ways well, you just can't tell anyone. I don't have many of the typical 'problems' that everyone else has, well living in a frictionless environment. Sure there's arguments over the same damn issues as everyone else has. But they typically don't last long and no one's much sulking for long over them. We've also got plenty of serious problems that take some thought and effort & acceptance to address properly to try & mitigate. (Some just cannot be solved).
But all I've got to say on the issue is that perhaps you know it's right when some of the friction actually falls away, and you feel lighter for it. Everywhere. And that's due to a good fit for a spouse or mate or GF/BF in your life. The ones who perhaps are congenitally happy, industrious, and up for a challenge & fairly adaptable to boot.
But I'm not quite certain how we got here, but we've been happily living it for years, if not decades. Being lucky of course plays a huge part of it. So does marrying someone who's already mature & wise at a young age. Quitting TV certainly helps some. Less distraction and more 'us' time. But 'no drama Obama'? I've got one of those in the house. Sure it's annoying after awhile. But it's still spooky to this day. And perhaps only getting more so! How do you tell folks that you're thriving through what's essentially an undeclared Depression? Or that yes, your hubby/wife actually 'well understands you' and still likes & loves you just the same? Even for all your faults?
That's the lucky rare 'frictionless environment'!
Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'
Yes, VJ, you are very fortunate! Your relationship clearly reflects what happens to a great pair over time. Obviously, the initial butterflies last only a short while, but they are replaced by something far more fulfilling. You are not “on trial” anymore. And shedding that stress/pressure is indeed a beautiful thing. I do hear from some readers that they just don't want to accept that over time the sex will change, but that's just the idealism of youth. They'll learn soon enough, haha. We get comfortable with each other in a myriad of ways if the relationship works.
Hi! I really liked this post (and that song
. Since I'm at the rehab stage of my adiction to the unattainable (getting a bit closer to recovery everyday 
, I wanted to ask you something.
I agree that the essence here is finding a balance between being available and being a challenge; living a great life but being open to the possibility of including the right person in it.
But what can I do with the nice guys that have a little (or big) trouble with balance? For example, the nice surgeon I told you about. He had the job, the nice manners, probably some solid values, too. But he was too eager, kind of smothering, you know, sending me texts every waking hour about everything he did (I swear, he just paused from 11pm to 6am). He got me to the point where I just wanted to say to him: “Sorry it didn't worked out with me, but PLEASE let me give you some advice so that this won't happen to you again with the next girl!”. He didn't gave me any time or space to develop any feelings, until the idea of getting together with him became kind of depressing.
So what can I do if there's a next guy like him?
Suck it up and try to get use to the mildly annoying behaviors, even if they're being a huge turn off? (Settle with the blip, haha)
Give him a few suggestions for improvement? (Which seems to me very close to try to fix/change a guy, with all the bad things this implies)
Let go and hope he'll eventually learn by himself and I'll eventually find a balanced guy who can be both nice and sexy?
(I'm not asking too much with the sexy part, right? Besides I mean smart sexy… a bit of interesting conversation wins me over anytime)
I don't know… I'm partial to the third option, but I don't know if thats puts on the dark side with those unrealistic women who demand perfection. Learning this is hard… specially since I began learning the hard way (trial and error, haha). I'm lucky to have you and my mom for help
Everything's trial and error MG. It's the way to learn if nothing else is sticking. Still you really should be straight up with your surgeon friend and tell him that you felt his communication & texting was a bit much. Someone needs to do it. Being 'nice' or doing what you imagine is 'nice' is not helping anyone much here. It might surprise him and get a change in behavior possibly. It's indicative of someone who's not had much experience with much dating perhaps, which again is not uncommon with many docs. (They've been awfully busy mostly!) Surgeons in particular are noted for their strange under developed personalities, actually. Which is not to speak ill of them, but to note the obvious. They've been super focused on other things & developing other highly complex skills. (Ditto for many Engineers, BTW, etc.)
But if as you say “He had the job, the nice manners, probably some solid values, too. But he was too eager, kind of smothering, you know…” This is something that might be 'fixed' and fairly easily. Why dispose of such a nice bloke so easily? Goodness knows what might happen in the future, or if this 'balance' problem is going to be a serious 'control' issue going forward?
MG, you're probably still discovering 'your type' or what you want out of a relationship. But so early & easily disposing of the likely 'good guys' for something that might be 'fixable' is not an especially 'good play' at any stage of the game.
It's always largely a numbers game. Many people (men & women) do not really recognize or appreciate simple 'quality' in other people (or even things actually ) when they see it. Perhaps even for the 1st, 2nd or even 3rd time. It takes some time to truly develop a discerning eye & ear. Of course for many, by that time most of their better choices might have somehow 'left the field'. They've married, had kids, many 'unhappy'/unsuccessful LTR's or simply 'moved on'. I can't tell you the number of blokes & gals I knew who suddenly realized that little Cindy/Big Cody was really the one they wanted after all, once she/he moved a continent away. Now who knows if it might have worked out when they were in close proximity, but now? He/she really can't find the kids of quality people they're looking for in their immediate area.
So my thought here, (such that it matters) is to throttle back a bit on your friend and simply, gently tell him that although you value his friendship, so many texts are indeed 'smothering'. And see what happens. Who knows? But in the grand scheme of things? This might be one of the minor items. Really. Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'
Morning glory, oh boy, that surgeon must have driven you crazy. Which is a shame, because I remember when he asked you for coffee, and you were kind of intrigued. He hadn't noticed you (or so you thought) during rounds or whatever, and suddenly he was making a move. You were open to it. And then he blew it with his constant texting. He definitely needs some tutoring! If there was one equation I could share with men and women alike, it would be EAGER = DEATH. Keeping your feelings to yourself for a while is common sense. Dating (and mating) is a dance. And this guy was stepping all over your feet. Of course you would flee!
Here's my opinion on the three options you laid out:
1. Since you included the words “suck it up,” annoying, “huge turnoff,” settle and blip, I think we can rule this out. Down this path lies abject misery.
2. Giving suggestions for improvement is something we do for a friend. I believe it is impossible to offer tips to someone on how to romance you. Perhaps early on, if you said, “Give me a little space,” you might be able to salvage your attraction. But I doubt it. His eagerness had already killed it by that point. I do think that sometimes if you are friends with a guy, maybe even a guy that liked you, you can offer advice that will help him in future with other women. But he would need to be receptive and want to understand what he had done to blow it, and how to do better next time.
3. Bingo. Let go of surgeon. Sigh. It hurts to throw back the smart, successful ones. Perhaps develop a friendship over time, if you like him for his company, and he is amenable. It may not seem like it sometimes, but there are balanced guys who are nice and sexy. However, your own behavior can bring out the best, or the worst in a guy. Nice guys (and by nice I don't mean pathetic or loserish in any way) will probably be called douchebags by women they have disappointed. Maybe they were, and maybe they weren't. And there are times when the biggest players can wind up treating someone really well. Again, mating is a dance, both people are reacting to one another. It's about finding a chemistry that works. I wouldn't say that a wonderful marriage is impossible without it, but I want more for you. I don't think that puts you on the dark side. I think that makes you hopeful, optimistic, confident. Personally, I would hold out for smart, sexy, good character. That's not perfection, that's just a good fit!
I know it will sound like I'm reversing myself, haha, but VJ makes an excellent argument here. There are indeed many guys out there who are pretty easily fixable, with a lot to offer over the long term. I guess the question is whether you believe you could be attracted to him again, ever. Going for the friendship might be a good approach here – you know I believe many good things come from friendship. And he would certainly benefit from knowing what he did wrong. But honestly? You don't owe him that – rehabilitating his social skill set is not your job. The relationship would have to be mutually beneficial in some way for you to be truly invested. On the other hand, if you believe he is unclear about why he failed with you, and possibly still upset, you would be doing him a service to speak honestly. Awkward!
I guess #1 rule should be dont manipulate the other person. Accept and enjoy who he/she is and respect he/she. Give up your agenda.
Unfortunately this is the reality:
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry
VJ
Congrats, but you are probably an exception. A famous psychoanalyst once said that “a relationship is like the encounter of two storms”.
Smartduck, thanks, that is a GREAT article! It actually makes the same exact argument that VJ made to Morning glory. I often think about how over the course of history, about 90% of marriages were probably arranged (I don't know the exact %, but you get the idea). And many of them worked fine. Or more than fine. There are countries today where arranged marriages are still the norm. As a mother, I can understand the reasoning behind letting mature, wise parents choose a mate for their offspring, or at least participate in the process.
The author of the article had it right, though. It's downright anti-American to settle, and my daughter does not seek my approval on the guys she is seeing (if she did, the roster would look very different). So we continue to work within our own faulty culture, knowing that the pendulum always swings back. When young women look around them and see a full generation of unhappy single women in their 40s, perhaps they will experience a reality check. I don't think any woman really wants to end up like Carrie Bradshaw (of Sex and the City).
I think one of the things that is not discussed very much is the dating environment in historical context.
What I mean:
In previous times, the notion of attraction was probably written off mostly as caprice by both men and women. Especially women. Times were tough, and an true provider beta was probably actually *attractive*, in the very real sense.
With the world of modern convenience, modern entertainment, and (supposedly) unlimited opportunity that is Western Civilization, many of the attributes of a traditional provider/protector male have been essentially replaced by the safety of modern society.
Excellent police, military, social services, social safety nets, laws and regulations (to name a few) create an environment where the traditional male is becoming obsolete.
With so many of the 'mating needs' of women having become structural components of civilization, the only elements left to search for in a male are those associated with social status and standard of living.
This previous paragraph of course leaves out the issue of 'love', but that is much harder to quantify. We often find ourselves loving things we want or need. A Laura Ingalls Wilder era female probably grew to love her husband more over time, if he was the type to continually provide, protect, remain faithful, and see to it that her children's futures were secure.
The problem now is that love, to use the term loosely, is subordinate to job-interview style dating. What opportunity does a young man have anymore to display virtue, honor, integrity, etc.
Our society is not continuously providing opportunities to display these positive characteristics. So, unless a young woman is looking for evidence of these characteristics, she may find it easier to notice looks, social status, 'game', etc.
If you buy a car because you like the paint job, don't be disappointed if it doesn't live up to your expectations in other areas.
“Game”, is really an organic social response to the lack of historical opportunities to display value. The problem is that it might be a faux finish, disguising the real person.
Getting back to the original idea:
Suppose we entered a period of global turmoil: War, destruction, loss of electricity, breakdown of legal order, etc.
In an environment like that, young women might rapidly come to the conclusion that young men with a work ethic and willingness to sacrifice are suddenly more attractive that a self-centered layabout who is able to give them butterflies.
Here's my dilemma – even if that DID happen, would I feel very good about suddenly being in demand? Probably not. I'm not a liferaft, as I have said. If living in 'bad times' is the sole determinant of my worth to women, I must conclude that their apparent affection for me is opportunistic and situational, not altruistic.
It seems to me, from reading what many of these women write, that sexual attraction is becoming one of the largest determinants with regard to whom they desire to date. That attraction may be from the guy's appearance, social dominance, wealth, whatever.
Long gone, however, is the old notion that a woman would pick her guy, and stand with him through thick and thin, rich/poorer, blah, blah.
To expand on something I alluded to earlier, I think that many Americans percieve that they have more dating options than they really do. An average Jane can go out to the bar (or simply go to the office) and get hit on by lots of good-looking guys. “Surely (she reasons to herself), even though MOST of them just want a quick lay, at least SOME of them must be marriage material.”
Not so much. I would submit that the men that the best marriage material are currently acting like marriage material, not acting like a PUA.
Monogamy-oriented men are simply unexciting, in many cases (if not most). Why would we try to become sucessful gamers if our real goal is one woman to marry? Ergo, the very act of preparing ourselves for marriage and the attendant sacrifices of it make us unlikely to find a woman who values it. Deliciously ironic, no?
Thanks a lot to both of you! I think that to this day he really has not clue about what he did wrong, and going for the friendship sounds good. Of course, making it very clear to him I'm being just a friend.
And VJ, you're so right about doctors, haha! I think a big problem is that by that the time many people have graduated and are earning a living and being a grown up, we're still struggling through med school and clinical practice, which can be a very artificial enviroment. A lot of my classmates have successful relationships, but others have such a peculiar personality that you wouldn't believe how many strange behaviors I have come across (total players, the ones that think they're players, unclassified psychiatric disorders). Now that I think of it in retrospect, some just feel straight out of House
This is totally random, but I'm going to share with you my favorite scene from House. Cuddy is walking by, lots of cleavage as always. House turns to Wilson and says, “That reminds me, I need to stop at Whole Foods on the way home.” This has led to a new phrase in our house. When my daughter is going out for the evening, I weigh in on the appropriateness of her outfit, and to what extent she has “the produce on display.”
COOL post. I found myself being victim to this for the past 3 weeks. Initially I walked away and haven't spoken a word since. She tries to put herself in my circle and i keep ignoring her, because she was trying to use me and play games. I have not called her on it, but it has crossed my mind. Of course she will deny it. Maybe I should use some social work skills. I'm not trying to become emotionally drained over some craziness.
Hey, Vincentd, you're smart to not play with a player. Yes, women can be players too, and all those mind games are such a waste of time. You're better off paying attention to someone who is willing to come right out and say she likes you!
COOL post. I found myself being victim to this for the past 3 weeks. Initially I walked away and haven't spoken a word since. She tries to put herself in my circle and i keep ignoring her, because she was trying to use me and play games. I have not called her on it, but it has crossed my mind. Of course she will deny it. Maybe I should use some social work skills. I'm not trying to become emotionally drained over some craziness.
Hey, Vincentd, you're smart to not play with a player. Yes, women can be players too, and all those mind games are such a waste of time. You're better off paying attention to someone who is willing to come right out and say she likes you!
I don't really agreed with the tone of the article from Smartduck. Being single or not single is just a trade off, a happy ending version is all coming back to the woman's mndset. Some men have their own body clocks too, want to settle for anyone passing in front of them, or wait for Ms. Right. Woman talks (and worries) about the topics so much more than man. How to conclude that women in their 40s are tend to be unhappy ? I couldn't agree more with what David Bowie said “America is a way puritanical place” There is no need to judge anyone's happiness from his/her status.
Hi sssue, thanks for commenting! That article by Lori Gottlieb has been controversial. Some women may not want to wind up like Lori G., unhappy without a mate and raising a child alone, but many don't want to “settle” either. It doesn't seem like so much to ask for – a partner who we love, respect and feel attracted to.
I think the reason women are so much more focused on this is because we do have a limited window of fertility. Men never lose the ability to procreate, they can find a partner at 50 and become fathers. For women who attend university, you've got a window of less than 20 years. That puts a lot of pressure on women.
Hi sssue, thanks for commenting! That article by Lori Gottlieb has been controversial. Some women may not want to wind up like Lori G., unhappy without a mate and raising a child alone, but many don't want to “settle” either. It doesn't seem like so much to ask for – a partner who we love, respect and feel attracted to.
I think the reason women are so much more focused on this is because we do have a limited window of fertility. Men never lose the ability to procreate, they can find a partner at 50 and become fathers. For women who attend university, you've got a window of less than 20 years. That puts a lot of pressure on women.
The pressures on women are just being blown over by the media. Man has a limited window too, does every fertility problem always come from woman's uterus ? Some men at certain age do not produce decent cement anymore, woman has her own term as “manopause”. All I said was it comes back to the mindset, life is not perfect and never will be. Having a baby naturally, having a succesful career and financial security, having a lifelong partner are huge agenda to be reached all by the time of 40s. It's just a trade off and where she would like to put the balance. Making a late entry into employment does not always work smoothly for all women too, but apparently not many women complain about this. It's up to each individual where she would like to put her idealism on the pendulum.