You’re a Lot More Than Your Relationship Status

Posted by Susan Walsh on Nov 23, 2009 in Girl Talk, Personal Development |
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I’ve had some really interesting conversations with readers lately. It’s made me realize that there are things I just can’t give you — I’m not out there in the trenches, I’m an observer. I have plenty to say, and I hope you find it worthwhile, but I’ve decided to feature guest posts occasionally from readers who are living it, and who have something to add to the conversation. If you’ve got an idea, and you like to write, shoot me an email. Today I encourage you to share your own experiences and opinions in the Comments section. The best thing about blogging is the opportunity for readers to interact not just with the writer, but also with each other. I love the community here, and I think you will too!

Today I’m pleased to share a guest post from D, author of the blog Decoybetty. Many of you will recognize her from the Comments section – I think she’s been with me almost from the beginning. Decoybetty is a journal of D’s life as an American student in Australia. What I enjoy most about D’s writing is her positive, humorous take on life. She has in abundance that crucial component of charm: the ability to laugh at herself. Until recently, D’s been on the market, meeting guys, navigating the world of online dating, but she has never allowed her relationships, or lack thereof, to define her. I asked her about it, and she felt strongly about this question of identity.


Adorable D

Adorable D

Susan and I recently got talking about how women define themselves on the internet.  And then Susan was like “Could you do a guest post for me?” and I was all “Totally.”  Then, she asked me to think about how’d I like to be introduced on Hooking Up Smart.   Ah, that’s the crux of the problem, isn’t it?

I read a lot of blogs, and I’ve noticed that women have a tendency to write something like this in their About Me section: “I am a single 29 year-old girl from Some Town, Wisconsin.” Which leaves me asking, “No, who are you?!” and also, “What’s up with that?” Since when has one’s relationship status defined who they are?  Is this all because of facebook?  (I like to blame facebook for most of the world’s problems, but this might be because of that time my boyfriend broke up with me by changing his facebook status from “in a relationship” to “single” and changing his About Me section from “Hanging out with D” to “Hanging out with Gina.”)

I got a bit ahead of myself there. First things first.  Let me tell you About Me.  I am 24.  I was born in the back of a Subaru in New England.  I was nerdy in high school, (wait, time-out) I am still nerdy! I majored in physics in college. Now, I live in Australia, and I just completed my Master’s degree.  Oh, wait, that’s not what you wanted to know, is it? I’m a little hurt that you don’t care about my academic achievements! – Fine I get it, who doesn’t like to talk about boys? That’s why we’re here, right?

I didn’t date much in high school. And by “not much” I mean that I had one boyfriend for nine months.  That’s it. I didn’t date much in college either.  My sophomore year in college I wrote this post on my blog.  It was a description of the relationship that I wanted to have someday.  It defines the person that I wanted to be in that relationship.  It’s about how I wanted to feel.  I’ve never made a list of the qualities of Mr. D’s Boyfriend, because I’ve been waiting for the gut feeling that told me this was the guy. You know — the guy who’d make me feel safe and allow me to be the best version of me that I can be (without joining the army). So whether he makes a lot of money or comes from a good family…I couldn’t care less. But I had to hope that He Who Must Exist would actually exist and, furthermore, that he could like a girl like me.  Spoiler Alert: He exists. I think I found him.

Here’s the thing. If you asked me who I was when I wrote that post I would tell you that I was a 19 year-old girl spending winter break babysitting my nephew and suffering from a really bad case of the stomach flu. That I studied physics and I loved the TV show Mad About You.  That I had never cried during a movie – not even The Notebook – and that I thought that Casablanca was slightly overrated. I would tell you that I didn’t know what I was going to be when I grew up and that it was really hard for me at the prestigious New England college that I attended because all the students had career goals and I didn’t have A. Single. One.

I would not have described myself as single.  I would not have defined myself as a gal without a fella.  But if you asked me how I saw my life in five years, I would have said “I hope that I will have fallen in love with a boy and a job, and that I am making a difference and I pray to all things holy (puppies, chocolate, and John Cusack) that I have a puppy.”  But who I was then and what I wanted to have in my life in five years are two very different questions, no?

Let’s get back to the present. I started online dating last March. I am not sure why I decided to try it.  I was hoping I’d get the practice dating that I never got in college, plus I was bored.  Also, immigrating to a new country is hard, and I hoped that even if I didn’t meet the man of my dreams I’d meet some friends.  And, to be honest, I thought it would be great blog fodder.

A couple of weeks ago I deleted my online dating account..  Why? Because I met someone who makes me feel safe and makes me feel like, well, me. On my blog I call him Inspector Climate. I don’t think he owns cords or flannel shirts. He probably isn’t a better skier than I am. But he makes me feel so safe, he laughs at me and with me.  He is considerate and kind. He is better at tennis than me (to be real, nearly everyone is), and although we haven’t played yet, I am fairly certain he’ll be patient and encouraging as I hit the ball all wobbily-knobbily.

So, who am I now?  I’m a girl struggling to build a home for herself several thousands miles away from my family and friends. I am building my career and looking for a job.  I’m silly and goofy, and if I do say so myself, I have kickass hair.  I like dancing in kitchens.  I am a picky eater and I think pajamas are the best clothing ever.  I do yoga four times a week and I cried (finally!) during Marley & Me.  That’s who I am.  I also find myself using “we” a bit more frequently.  “Yes, we’re going to his work’s Christmas party.”  “No, we can’t…Monday night is the night I cook him dinner and then we go to yoga, together.”

My point is that I urge you to find out who you are and how you define yourself outside of your relationship status.  Because that is all it is, a status. If you look up “status” in the dictionary, it just means your position relative to the position of someone else…hey, y’all, it’s all relative! Honestly.

I don’t care if you are single, married, divorced, taken, or if it’s complicated.  I care if you think She’s The Man is comedic genius or if you’re on Team Federer or Team Nadal.  I certainly care if you like Pat Benatar and I am intensely curious as to what is your favourite Pat Benatar song is.  Mine is “We Belong.”

Even if you tell me all that will I really know you? Of course not, but it’s a start.  I’ll know you better than if you just tell me that you’re without a partner.

Who are you?

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  • Awesome! About a year ago I sent my old roommate a sad yet fascinating yet powerful article on this exact subject of how we define ourselves. I'll blog about it later tonight so keep an eye out!
    I always get so inspired after coming here. :)
    PS, if you didn't read about my disaster with Makeout Boy from last week, you should. bblove.tumblr.com
  • susanawalsh
    Haha, loved your Makeout Boy story, everyone should head over to bblove and read it right now. BTW, do you know Edward? I'm worried that I sent you a strange one when I did my Beauty post.

    I'll repeat here what I said on your blog: nothing wrong with being a makeout slut. It's really the only sluttiness left without terrible side effects.
  • Ha! I don't know how him ... but there's always going to be some interesting admirers ... I haven't come across anyone I think I should notify the authorities about ...
  • Decoybetty
    Thanks! I can't wait to read the article :)
  • hambydammit
    This is one of those subjects that is usually difficult for anyone to approach objectively. If we're in a relationship, it's easy to look at our single friends and say, "Hey, it's all good. You're a wonderful person, and it doesn't matter to me one bit that you always show up stag to my dinner parties." It's tougher to be the one looking at all the couples making eyes at each other over the fondue.

    I think the important thing to remember is that there's usually more than one vantage point from which to view something. The thing is, socially, it *does matter* whether we're single or not. Especially for women. Wedding rings were invented for women, not men. As much as we may decry the meet market when we're particularly pissed at our own circumstances, the fact is, pretty much everybody has somebody, wants somebody, or both. When a man meets a new woman, if there's any attraction at all, he sets about trying to find out her relationship status as soon as possible so that he can beat other suitors to the punch. And yes, we men know that you women have secret decoder rings that let you transmit the availability status of the charming guy in the center of the room to every female within a two block radius in less than two minutes.

    I know several women who wear wedding rings even though they're single. It cuts down on the come on lines when they just want to hang out with the girls for an evening. If status wasn't important, that wouldn't happen.

    Having said all that, what Betty's talking about is just as valid. The healthiest relationships are those in which two independent people overlap parts of their lives while retaining their identities as unique people. In order to enter that kind of relationship, one has to be a unique person with their own identity. Women are especially guilty of defining their own identity as their man's -- "I'm Mrs. J.P. Morgan." -- and in the context of becoming someone we men want to date, it's important for them to realize that developing their own identity is the best way to find a man who identifies with them.

    The other part of the gut reaction against being identified as single/attached is that there is a real human instinct to be accepted. It doesn't matter *objectively* that you're single or attached, but it does have meaning in subjective context. Suppose you meet a rich, handsome, forty year old man who's charming, outgoing, and has a devilishly sexy smile. Then you find out he's never been married. Just from that one bit of information, you move towards several opinions -- either he's a player, or gay, or self absorbed. While none of these three things may be the case, that judgment didn't come out of thin air. A person's relationship status says something about them. Similarly, a forty year old woman who's never been married -- well, she's either a lesbian, a bitch, or ugly. Right?

    So yeah... status matters. However, regardless of your status, there's no reason why you shouldn't try to be as complete and happy a person as possible, so that when a potential status change comes around, you'll be in the best place to evaluate it in terms of who you are and what you want.
  • Decoybetty
    A couple of things to comment on here...

    I've never met a 40 year old man who is charming, handsome, blah blah blah and thought that he never married for any of those reasons...in fact, I'd probably not think about "why is he single" at all because like anything it's a choice and it's his to make. There is nothing worse than being asked "why are you single" and that certainly isn't what I wanted to talk about here.

    Secondly, I am not so much talking about 40 year olds, how could I? I am only 24. It is much different for let's say my mother who is 60 and been married for over 35 years to define herself at 60 by her relationship with my father, THAT IS part of who she is. Just like a part of who she is is being a mom. But for someone like me, why should that one thing be how I define myself? If it is shouldn't I also be defining myself as a girl with an awesome best friend; parents who are still married, several close friends in Australia, a network of people I talk to on the internet, and so on and so forth until I come upon my relationship with the homeless man on the corner of my street (which to be honest is quite good...we smile at each other)?

    Status only matters because we put value on it...as young people defining ourselves, mayhap it would be healthier if we didn't?
  • hambydammit
    Betty: I guess the example of the forty year old is not so good for your column because you're probably not trying to figure out forty year olds. You're looking for someone closer to your age. So yeah. Probably not relevant to you.

    Even so, women do try to analyze single men, and the older both the women and the men get, the more they try to analyze. Think of any 30 year old women you might know who are still not mothers. Most likely, someone in their family or circle of friends is trying to psychoanalyze them to figure out what's going on.

    As for your second point, I was agreeing with you. In order to be in a good, healthy relationship, you need to be someone *outside of* your relationship. The healthiest relationships are between two people with their own self-identities.

    My point was that there's something of a conflation between perspectives that happens when people start talking about social identities. Maybe you weren't intentionally making that conflation, but it still exists. It's one thing to say that status only matters because we value it. Of course that's true, because a status is a mark of value. So what you're saying is pretty much a tautology. The real question is whether the value is artificial -- that is, something imposed from the outside -- or an intrinsic part of human nature. In the end analysis, it is most definitely part of human nature. All cultures -- literally every culture ever studied -- places value on relationship status.

    So, a better way of saying what you're saying is that while relationship status matters to society, including our friends and families, there's no reason why we shouldn't strive to identify ourselves on our own individual merits, whether we're single or in a relationship. Whatever our status is, the more we cultivate our individual identity, the more valuable we will be to ourselves and our (potential) mates.
  • Decoybetty
    First of all, I am only Betty's Decoy - my name is Deidre or D. :)

    Second of all - "Even so, women do try to analyze single men, and the older both the women and the men get, the more they try to analyze. Think of any 30 year old women you might know who are still not mothers. Most likely, someone in their family or circle of friends is trying to psychoanalyze them to figure out what's going on."

    I hope my family is not going to do that to me, because I am fairly certain I don't want to have kids.

    How our friends and family look upon us - that is for the most part - their own deal. We can't help that. Just like the guy I saw today can't help that I judged him because he was wearing the most ridiculous outfit ever. That's my opinion. But what is HIS opinion of HIM - and shouldn't that be how HE defines HIMself? Why are we defining ourselves by how others look at us? That's a terrible way to go about living. If I did that I'd be defined as a depressed neurotic mess with big hair and penchant for dancing in my underwear (mmm mm mm FOXY). Which I believe was your last point? Except that I'd end it with "the more valuable we'd be to ourselves." Full stop. If one's goal is to find that Perfect Mate, we keep saying here at HUS that we have to find out who we are first. How can we really figure out who we are if we keep defining ourselves in terms of others?
  • susanawalsh
    " It's tougher to be the one looking at all the couples making eyes at each other over the fondue."

    This explains the phenomenal success of Bridget Jones. Undoubtedly, many men and women experience this feeling, but in society I do believe the woman has it harder. A single man coming to a dinner party may send a ripple of excitement during the planning, as the host thinks about potential single women who might be a match. He has high market value, even if he is 40 and has never been married. A single woman is much more likely to feel awkward and out of place. In our culture, men who decide not to marry, e.g. George Clooney, are given credit for being too high-status to compromise by being monogamous. A woman who is unmarried, e.g. Jennifer Aniston, is pitied and psychoanalyzed from the comfort of armchairs across the land.

    "The healthiest relationships are those in which two independent people overlap parts of their lives while retaining their identities as unique people....and in the context of becoming someone we men want to date, it's important for them to realize that developing their own identity is the best way to find a man who identifies with them."

    Amen to this, and this works both ways. This is the single best advice I could give to anyone who is seeking a relationship. Developing one's identity requires actively pursuing interests, finding communities, joining in. Whether it's a running group, meetup group, whatever, it's not going to happen for you if you just go out to The Cheesecake Factory with your girls all the time. Nor is it likely to happen if going to bars is your primary strategy.
  • hambydammit
    "Undoubtedly, many men and women experience this feeling, but in society I do believe the woman has it harder."

    Definitely. Ugly women and poor men get the worst of the deal, but across the board, women are typically judged more harshly for being single. It's part of the sexual double standard.
  • VJ
    I've tried to respond to both Bblove's post and thinking that it's the same idiotic Disqus system, there's just so many times I can lose a post before I lose interest. This has got to be one of them. So ladies? Ask not 'why don't I get more comments on my magnificent insightful bitchn' blog. Your comment system eats or likely 'disappears' most of them. And few bother to complain much. No, you did not miss any lost Shakespeare, just some feedback. But yeah. No one can afford to waste that much time. Cheers, 'VJ'
  • susanawalsh
    ;alkjfa;lkjfa;lkjfa;lkj VJ, ugh! You are 100% right, some of my comments have recently been "disappeared" by DISQUS. It's such a drag b/c there are many things about this plugin that work very well. But if the comments aren't getting through it's obvs a Fail. You are a really important commenter, I value your input highly. So I'll look into alternatives, I don't want to risk losing either a prolific participant or a newbie who takes the plunge for the first time. Thanks for the feedback.
  • susanawalsh
    OK, VJ, your comment did take at bblove, I just responded there. I have noticed that you often say "sorry if this double posts," and it never does. If you would, shoot me an email thru the Contact page and describe what happens on your end when you try to post. I'll investigate.
  • linaloo84
    It does seem to be common that people define themselves by their "digital lives", their facebook status, update, friend requests- it is mad! People are striving to have huge numbers of facebook friends- very few of which you have actually ever met, spoken to in the real world etc. Having an online persona in this false environment- take ridiculously high angle myspace photos, and falsely chirpy 40 character updates on twitter as an example, is ridiculous.

    So, who am I?

    I am a 25 year old who has de-cluttered her digital life, stripped back to the friends she can count on and whom she makes time to see and spend time with, here in the real world. Online is great, sharing photos, keeping in touch with friends and family abroad, checking over potential dates on a dating website- but it not a substitute for the real world.
  • Decoybetty
    Nice to meet your Linaloo84! I have decluttered my digital life too - I signed off facebook in 2006 and haven't looked back! So congratulations for sticking to the real world.
  • Melissa
    I loved Decoybetty’s post! But I wish it could be that easy. I mean, I take pride in having a very full life, in being quite independent and unaffected by people’s remarks but I’m only human and there is so much one can take. Even though I’M ONLY 25 for Christ sake – but honestly I think it’s because people can hardly remember the last time I had a serious boyfriend- , I have encountered all kind of comments in the ‘why are you single’ style. Last one, a guy I met casually two years ago, never saw again but kept in touch with very regularly through facebook, came to visit me to an entire different continent before he went somewhere else for work. We’re talking about a smart, kinda cute, 31-year-old New Yorker. We spent a couple of days together and at one point he just stared at me and blatantly said: ‘You’re gorgeous, you’re smart, and you’re sweet. There must be something really wrong with you for you to be single.’ And when most of your friends are in committed relationships it doesn’t help one bit either. I’m tired of giving my speech of ‘I know what I want and I’m not settling for less’. People nod their heads but you know what they’re really thinking. It’s just that few of them – luckily! - actually articulate it. Even my own mom asked me some time ago – ‘Darling, do you even like boys?’ - Of course she doesn’t know about my hook ups. And I wish, I would really like that our relationship status wouldn’t affect the way people perceive us. But it is not the world we’re living in, unfortunately.
  • I was you, a year ago. And at 26 and a disaster of a relationship later, I'd like to say those people who say there's something wrong with you for being single know absolutely nothing. Don't settle for less. And recognize when someone isn't good to you. You don't need to compromise yourself by defining yourself by your status. Also, I know it's easy to feel like the odd man out when so many of your friends are in relationships but it's about being true to yourself. Personally, I'd much rather be single than in a disaster of a relationship or settling for anything less than what I deserve. Also, the world we live in is the world we choose to create for ourselves.
  • Decoybetty
    Ugh, I totally sympathise with the "why are you single" question, and I am not going to lie to you I snap at people when they ask me that. Much like I snap at people who ask me "why don't you want to have kids" or "why don't you drink"...I've had family members ask me if I was gay too. It isn't pleasant...and there is something wrong with you - you're gorgeous, you're smart, and you're sweet and you're not going to settle for someone who doesn't make you happy...If that is "something" wrong with you than embrace it, Melissa! I know it's not easy to do...but maybe it's just worth a try?
  • Loved this post!! I have often defined myself as a 33 year old, divorced single mom. While I am that indeed, it is not who I am. I am trying to let go of the notion that I should be looking to settle down. I was settled down in my 20s, and now that I am in my 30s I feel like I should be living again. Yea, having two small kids makes that a little hard, but it can be done. I've dated my share of assholes, but for every asshole I have dated I have dated a stage 1 clinger!!

    How many times have I had people ask me when I was going to start dating again. As if I ever stopped. I have no intentions of getting married again, and so what is the harm in having my fun where it can be had???
  • Melissa
    Thank you girls. I am generally happy of my decision of staying single until I meet the right guy. A previous experience taught me that when you rush yourself into a relationship just because of social pressure/ loneliness/ pure boredom you can easily end up hurting yourself or hurting someone else. What I'm arguing here is that most people aren't as cool as you girls are, and they generally judge you or at least perceive you in a certain way because of your romantic status. Most of the time i really don't care, but sometimes it does bother me. By the way, Betty, I don't think I'm all that, LOL. But i agree, it's definitely worth a try, and in moments of doubt, your post and rhea's comment - and definitely, Susan's blog- help to regain inspiration! :)
  • susanawalsh
    Aw, thanks Melissa! I do love to see you guys talking to each other...
  • Decoybetty
    You're totally all that! and thank you.
  • Greenfieldnews
    This post really clicks with me. My friend and I were recently discussing this topic, about how many girls treat boyfriends like a life goal, and once they have one, even if it isnt a good one, they refuse to let go of him, because they're so "afraid of being in the single zone again"
    That being said, I understand that fear, because sometimes, when out with lots of couples, or after watching some sad romantic movie, it would be nice to have a guy to cuddle with. THat loneliness is a human reaction, which i think everyone feels, its just girls vocalize it more than guys.
  • VJ
    Well the Disqus comments seem to be working better tonight, but I imagine I'm slightly less hospitable to the question now. Which of course happens all too frequently.

    So here we go. You may be a 'lot more than your relationship status', but really? You do not exist without the context of your relationships. You are a daughter, sister, wife, spouse, niece, cousin, granny, friend, neighbor to someone. Somewhere. All inside a complex web of deeply embedded relationships that scarcely anyone thinks about. And yes, despite its insipid frequency asking 'are you seeing anyone seriously'? Is pretty natural for most of these folks to ask. They're essentially asking several things when they do this. One is the basic more friendly 'How ya doing?'. Another might be, 'Is there any change in status I need to know about to gauge our social relations better' (Invite him/her to...?) Still another might be 'What ever happened to ole what's his name'? Simple curiosity, both for & about you. Mostly it's typically about caring & sharing, and not really meant to be 'evil', harmful or hurtful either.

    So yes, you are more than all that. But you also are a part of it too. The hidden child of the Archbishop grows up differently than anyone else. The Doctor's son (Billy O'Reilly) cannot claim a childhood of 'poverty' or even, really a 'solid middle class upbringing'. It was & is privileged. That special privilege and outlook will carry you through life, and will mark you in ways you can scarcely imagine or recall.

    We all (hopefully) become adults both cognizant of & using this background material to build upon. Some doing better than others, some more successful at various ventures, some failing at others. We slowly become who we are, & despite all the pain, suffering, achievements & triumphs, we'll all age and die sooner than we imagine too.

    Which is why momma asks about that future 'grandchild' when you're not even dating anyone. They want and deeply desire to see some sort of human continuity going on here, and waiting up for it to arrive for well years & decades is yes, probably pissing them off a little too. They have this deep anxiety & hopefulness on your behalf, and nothing they hear likely comforts them in the thought that they'll leave this earth not knowing that their 'little girl/doc/soldier/teacher' is not quite 'settled' yet. They've got a point too.

    But no, in the end you probably cannot live for the sake of others or to solely please or fulfill their desires, however rational & loving they may be or expressed. You have to start down the road alone & make your way in the world as best you can.

    This of course is where those 'traditional' arranged marriages begin to look, well, really inviting to many parents too.

    I've got more thoughts on this topic too, and this was the shorter version. Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'
  • susanawalsh
    VJ, this is certainly a good explanation of the people in our lives, and their own emotional investment in our well-being. It's true that most people assume that we will be happier with a partner, and that's fair. We probably will be, which is why we seek one.

    However, D is addressing something that I think is quite different, and that is the question of one's own perceived identity. It's not fun for a single woman to be continually questioned about her lack of significant other, despite how much the nagger loves us, and after a while we look in the mirror and see SINGLE SUSAN. We lose sight of the fact that we read a lot, follow world events, love music, are a wonderful friend. We begin to feel diminished by our inability (perceived or real) to attract a mate. As loved ones and friends continue to express their concern, we begin to feel as if we are failing at the thing that we want most.

    This is what leads women to see themselves as limited, and it is insidious. It also becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Society expects women to marry and have children, and if they don't follow that path, whether by choice or lack of opportunity, they will hear a great deal about it from well-wishers.
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