Make a Move Girl, He Wants You To

December 10, 2009

Girl, if you’re wondering

If I want you to

Rivers Cuomo, Weezer Genius

Rivers Cuomo, Weezer

I want you to

I want you to

So make a move

‘Cause I ain’t got all night


[wpaudio url=” Want You To.mp3″ text = “Weezer – I Want You To”]

First thing, click on the audioplayer above, it’s my favorite new song and it’s perfect for this post!

Is there a better poster boy on the planet for nice guys than Rivers Cuomo? This quintessentially shy and  awkward boy is the creative genius that is Weezer, one of my most favorite bands ever. Rivers Cuomo has been a phenomenal success for years, but in 2006 he went back to finish college, earning a degree in English from Harvard at the age of 35. Smart guy. He also married Kyoko Ito that summer, his girlfriend of nine years who had introduced herself to him as a devout fan. Smart girl.

Recently in NYC, Leighton Meester joined him on stage to sing a duet of I Want You To.Weezer Duet

Afterwards, she tweeted that Rivers was “perfection in a bottle.” He hasn’t done too badly for himself, has he?

He’s a fascinating case study, but the main reason I use him to introduce this post is because he is the kind of guy women should go for. I think he’s adorable, but even if he’s not your type, the point is the same. He would never in a million years have sent a roadie into the audience to scoop up Kyoko Ito, Tucker Max-style. She must have tenaciously waited around and assertively expressed her admiration. He took the bait. Her assertiveness is probably a wonderful complement to his passivity. Not your typical ‘guy meets girl’ story by any means.

In my last post, I talked about the importance of choosing Dads over Cads. Where are we going to find these delightful men? How will we meet them if they’re spending all their time playing guitar in their garage or World of Warcraft in the blue glow of their laptop screens? Getting guys to show up is a real issue, one that has been addressed by Obsidian, a blogger I respect highly. I’ll talk to the guys directly in the next post. For now, though, it’s Ladies First. Let’s get to it.

The Prince Charming Myth

From the time we’re two or three, we start watching Disney movies and begin indulging in the notion that someday a fabulous man is going to discover us and carry us off into the sunset. The worst thing about this fantasy is that it stipulates that women be passive. That wasn’t such a big problem through most of history. Love matches for marriage were rare, and when they did occur men were the pursuers. Today, the guy who pursues you confidently, calling you Babe and offering to buy you a drink, may not be Prince Charming. In fact, he’s more likely a man whore. This means that women need to take greater responsibility in their interactions with men to weed out the unworthy ones and reward the deserving ones.

Since I started writing about relationships, I’ve asked every couple I’ve come into contact with how they met. The vast majority of couples met:

  • at school
  • at work
  • through friends
  • in random encounters

You may not need much help with the first three possibilities. However, a woman is foolish if she is not ready at all times to take advantage of random encounters.

Decide what you want and then go get it.

Where to Find the Good Guys

I’ve written about this before, but it bears repeating. This isn’t exactly the Theory of Relativity, though. It’s a matter of common sense and strategic thinking. (I actually thought about hitting the streets with my iPhone videocamera to show you how easily I could chat up all sorts of cute guys, but I decided I would come of as a Deranged Cougar Wannabe. Awkward! So you’re going to have to take my word on this.)

1. Think about what kind of guys you like.

2. Figure out where they are.

3. Go there.

It’s that simple.

Do you like guys wielding hammers? Sign up for a Habitat for Humanity build.

Are you political? Join the Young Democrats or the Young Republicans. Pick a highly trendy cause, like energy or the environment. Show up and help plan an initiative.

Do you like writer types? Write for the newspaper. Don’t just contribute articles, though. Get involved with the editorial staff and work late into the night with other people who share a common goal.

Do you have a soft spot for emo types like I do? Check out the local music scene. Become a regular. Bring friends, be a loyal fan. (OMG, do not become like Mel on Flight of the Conchords!)

Are you a runner? Don’t train for a marathon by yourself, or with a gf. Find a marathon training group. Every single city with a marathon has them. Go to a store where they sell stuff for runners and ask about running groups. Every college has groups as well.

Gyms are good places to meet guys, but my advice is to avoid the guys who are really jacked. Huge biceps often reflect a huge ego. Don’t stay in the elliptical estrogen zone the whole time! Lift some free weights. Do some stretching. Spend some time with your heart rate in the zone where speech is still possible.

Artsy? Go to the singles night at an art museum. You’ll meet guys who are at least willing to pretend they like art.

Are you studying too much to do all this extra stuff? Start looking at the library as a petri dish for romance with a fellow brainiac.

Are you a dog fanatic? That’s the easiest one of all. Dog lovers congregate so that their dogs can. It’s the perfect setup.

How to Interact With a Cute Stranger

1. Make eye contact with any guy you think may be even remotely appealing. This isn’t just for romance – I make eye contact with as many people as I can, every day. I nod or say hello to anyone who doesn’t avert their eyes. The eyes are the windows of the soul. They are the point of entry.

2. If you have made eye contact, and your brain tells you “CUTE GUY,” hold it for three seconds. Three seconds is the magic number. It’s the threshold for indicating attraction.

3. If he looks back, and you still think he’s cute, smile. Think of it this way:

  • Men want sex. Any eligible man would be delighted to think that today when he stops in at Starbucks, he is going to meet a woman who might become a sexual partner.
  • Women grant access to sex. We are the gatekeepers.
  • When a man is standing at the gate, and you look like a guard at Buckingham Palace, he moves along. No one knows what the palace guard is really thinking, but few people would consider him a likely future acquaintance.
  • When you smile, you admit the possibility that the gate may open at some future point.

4. TAKE THAT CELL PHONE OFF YOUR EAR. Do you see the irony of cell phones preventing communication? Would you ever say a word to someone having a conversation on a cell phone? Cell phones pass the time when you are out and about doing errands, but they make random encounters impossible. Same goes for earplugs. Get them outta there.

5. For the truly brave, flirt openly. Steve Santagati, who wrote The MANual (actually a good advice book for women), describes how once a woman in South Africa came up to him on the street and said, “You’re a biscuit!” He didn’t know what that meant (it means hot), but he was so charmed by her feisty confidence that he followed her and asked her out.

Once I was at a block party, and someone handed me an imported beer. It didn’t have a twist-off cap. I looked around and spotted a really cute guy about 20 feet away. He was just hanging out with his friends. I went up to him and said, “Hey, you look like the kind of a guy who would have a beer opener on his keychain. Can you open this for me?” He said, “Whoa! Why would you say that?” I replied, “I just have a hunch. I can’t get this beer open.” Grinning, he pulled out his keys, and opened my beer. We dated for a few months. (He turned out to be kind of a dud, but you get the point.)

6. Keep in mind that you will have random encounters with taken, even married guys. So keep your wits about you and proceed with reasonable caution.

The bottom line is that you need to clearly indicate your interest if a guy is going to get the message. Women are afraid to show intent, and this is a mistake. We are interested in meeting men who do not assume that every woman wants them. They require encouragement to press forward.

How to Pounce on a Guy Who is Already a Friend

1. If you’re crushing on a good friend, you are going to start freaking out about the risk of losing his friendship. This makes no sense. Your feelings are already changing and stressing the friendship. Do you really want to commit to years of pretending indifference? In my experience guys are ALWAYS willing to risk the friendship if they’re feeling it. The trickiest part is not wanting to feel like a fool if your feelings are not reciprocated. Sorry, but you need to embrace the humiliation. I’ve always tended to go for broke in these matters, as you know. I played the fool for my husband way back when while he dithered. Remember, you get what you ask for in life (at least some of the time).

2. Change things up. Touch him in a new way. Make more eye contact. Sit closer. Tease him.

3. Stop using him as a crying shoulder. And don’t let him use you for girl counsel either.

4. Trust your gut. You’ll know early on whether there’s sexual tension. If you want more, you will have to man up and take the plunge (see #1).

Future Dads are earnest. They are open and emotionally available. They are honest and reliable. They are men of good character.

You need one. So go get one.

2 Pingbacks/Trackbacks

  • ConfusedChocolateChip

    Those fairytales have brained washed us all at such a young age. At 18 years old I thought I found my knight. I was the damsel in distress and he came rushing in willing and able to save me. To bad he decided to use my venerable situation to sneak into my pants and succeeded. You are 100% right!! Those damn fairytales have convinced women to be weak, needy, and passive. It instills in us the idea of needing a man to protect us, to save us, to provide for us. In this day and age we are fully capable of doing all of that for ourselves.

    It is extremly easy to approach guys because just as you mentioned they are constantly in search of sex. Paying them attention, smiling, the flirty eyes, a sweet hi, and the blood rushes to their other head. The only problem with approaching the quiet, shy, DADS as you put it, is that they do not know how to reciprocate. Many of them shy away or place themselves in that friend zone. Yes, we can approach them and get the ball rolling but they need to be able to close the deal.

    As for making the move on a good friend, well that is my current situation as you know. I have put it in motion. I told him I wish I could be his gf and sent him a picture of my bare ass. I don't know how much more direct I could be haha!! I was drunk but hey I said it. He has slowly reciprocated but he is still holding back and confused about what he wants. I made the move now it's up to him to follow through.

  • susanawalsh

    CCC, OMG I cracked up when I read this. Nice move with the sexting! If that doesn't tempt him I don't know what will! I love how you're a realist about it, though. You're prepared either way. And I respect you for laying it on the line. You are beyond truly brave!

    Re guys closing the deal, yeah, it's a real and legit concern. Let's give them something to go on, and if that doesn't do it, at least we tried. It's really about meeting halfway.

  • morning__glory

    I think Rivers Cuomo is adorable, too!
    I have a question. With the last guy I went out with, I managed to talk to him a couple of times, hinted we should hang out and finally, when I said good bye, I told him: “This is the part where you ask for my number”. He laughed and said he was getting there. Anyway, it worked perfectly. He asked me out the next day. (He was the loser of the “next time we go out, everything's allowed” text I told you about, but that ain't the point right now, haha. I just assumed he would be shy 'cause the poor dear isn't very handsome. Turns out he was quite a DB, as his last heart-broken victim actually confirmed me. Maybe he has read a bit about Game, haha, I dunno).
    So, how far should I go in the future? Is actually giving my number too much? I just think it might improve my chances with the nice, shy guys and that the bad ones will act like jerks anyway, with or without the additional encouragement.
    What do y'all think? Thanks!

  • susanawalsh

    Morning Glory, first of all, I LOVE the way you prompted him! Well done, and obviously effective too.

    Giving your number is exactly what you should do if you like a guy! Actually, in Game there's a lot of emphasis on the “number close,” which is walking away with a girl's real phone number. I think it's a threshold to a lot of men. So by all means, do that to indicate your interest.

    A lot of women make the mistake of thinking that if a guy isn't very handsome, he will have better character. Since women value many traits in mates other than physical attractiveness, it is very common for women to crush on guys who are not as hot as they are, objectively speaking. I know several women who took this one step further, figuring a less good looking guy would have fewer options and would treasure them and treat them like princesses. They could not have been more wrong. The guys in question were the biggest DBs ever! I don't know if they were aspiring to be cads, or got heady with the achievement of bagging pretty women, or what. But there's an important lesson there. Go for people you are genuinely attracted to, hot or not. And don't make assumptions about anyone's character too soon.

  • susanawalsh

    CCC, look at this comment I found today on the post where you originally shared your story:

    ” rach 6 hours ago
    OMG I HAVE TO HEAR FROM CONFUSED CHOCOLATE CHIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    THE SUSpense Is KiLING ME!!

    It's kind of like The Office…lol. I loVE THAT SHOW!”

    Haha, I told her to come on over here for more recent updates! You're a star!

  • morning__glory

    Thanks :) After that, I'm definitely stoping with those assumptions, haha. Anyway, it's all about taking chances with an open heart. Like that lovely new song from Michael Bublé: “I guess one half is timing and the other half is luck” (which is like my new anthem for staying on the right path :) Although, on the video, they both could have taken a lot more advantage of the random encounter at the damn store, haha!

  • Nasser_J

    from your blog to every girls ear… i hope, i wish that women would take your advice on this and open up a bit. in new york city where everything is mostly superficial, it is difficult to have any one open up, other than close friends i mean, but girls here get hit on all the time that they build a shield ( of course understandable) that makes it difficult for a guy to approach. furthermore, that creates a huge problem for guys who dont catch every eye in the room, so they develop , the stupid, Pick Up Artist mentality, which is basically get confidence by acting like a dick head. and it pushes them to approach a larger number of women thus increasing their chances of actually finding some one. but at the end of the day you get futile relationships that is based on superficial attraction that completely dies after sex. but if they follow that advice maybe women and men wont be so much of mystery to one another. at least in this city i hope

  • susanawalsh

    Hey, Nasser thanks so much! I don't think you'll notice any immediate change in NYC, haha. My approach here is definitely along the lines of one person can make a difference. At least in their own lives, anyway. I'd love to see a real shift in the way men and women interact, for all of the reasons you outline above. As I said in the video, I think a large part of the population is dissatisfied with the status quo. But whether or not a significant shift occurs, I do believe that by acting strategically most people can improve their own lives.

  • Rebekah

    I made the next move on a guy that I had always thought was kind of nerdy, sweet, funny and who flirted with me constantly, and I found him downright adorable. That guy turned out to be a 26yo who stood me up for reasons I still I don't have an explanation to. I didn't see the douchebag until it was too late. Yea, I want to kick myself for not seeing the signs earlier, but it is not going to stop me from going after what I want in the future.

    I was never a girl that approached men. I was very old fashioned in my thinking. If they like me, they will come to me, but that is not really the case anymore. I have found, like Susan said, that eye contact and a genuine smile go a long way at both showing interest and putting people at ease.

  • susanawalsh

    Good for you for getting right back out there. That guy is not worth losing one single minute of sleep over. My guess is that he knew you were too hot to handle!

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  • VJ

    Yep, it's tough out there. But really? The game has it's reasons. Nothing seems to be good enough for some people. Seemingly any mention of dating actual 'college age' guys, even Ivy league educated guys, only brings about thoughts of disgust & shame:

    And the reasons given? Pretty nonsensical sounding to me. (Yeah, I know it's a humor site, but it's still supposed to make some sense just for the sake of some continuity, right)?

    Here's another lass whining about only 5 'dateable' guys in the middle of Chicago fer crying out loud!

    (I know, it's escaped her that she's going to a religious based school too, right?)

    Once upon a time this stuff could actually be funny. Why is it that it never seems that way when it's written up thusly? Just wondering. Cheers, 'VJ'

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  • susanawalsh

    Hi VJ. The woman who wrote the first article is so shallow it's mind-boggling. Fortunately, the commenters really took her to task, which is appropriate.

    The second woman clearly needs to become one of my readers! Welcome to hookup culture. Stop whining and start actively pursuing your goals, including a relationship.

  • VJ

    Thanks Susan I finally noticed that. But you've got to think that some of these kids will wake up in oh, say 20 something years and finally come to the revelation 'Geez, I missed the Beta years period!' Yeah. It'll be a pickup game with the 'remainders'. Cheers, 'VJ'

  • steveo

    Susana you're ignoring the real problem. Women have no interest in making a move for the 80% of guys not getting laid/getting a girlfriend. This is the real problem and you try to avoid it. That whiskey guy from the Spearhead pointed out how women would rather become single mothers with all of the associated problems than get involved with one of the guys in the 80% of guys not getting laid/getting a girlfriend. That's how much guys like me are despised by women for simply existing.

  • steveo

    VJ, what do you expect? Women despise 4 out of every 5 men. Sine 80% of men are out of the running of course there will be women who can't find “datable” men since they already decided 80% of men are far beneath them.

    The problem begins and ends with female behavior and thinking, period.

  • susanawalsh

    Steveo, I respectfully disagree, which I guess is pretty obvious. Whiskey and most of those other guys at the Spearhead have strong opinions, born of enormous anger at women/the women's movement. I don't know where Whiskey is getting his facts from – and I question his claims, to put it mildly. One thing that happens online is that like-minded people congregate and discuss issues, which can be great, as it builds a community. The downside is that they all enable each other, sharing the same deceptive information back and forth. The views you'll read about at the Spearhead are held by a small minority of the American male population.

    You're wrong about women – I'm sure you can tell from the comments of women on this site that they don't despise men for existing. They're looking for good men to partner with. It's wrong to generalize in this way.

  • VJ

    Yes, I think it's wrong to characterize this as 'despising' the Beta…Omega men. I think many folks in their 20's are just immune to noticing them much, or just pig ignorant of 'how the other half lives'. So it's this ignorance, colored with supreme indifference flavored sometimes with an overweening sense of entitlement ('I can certainly do better than That!'), that leads us to the outcomes that we see here. Think this is a figment of collective imagination or fantasy? Probably not so in many venues, Cless Alvin notices here:

    So probably these guys are not despised as much as ignored or 'looked over/around' everywhere they go. in favor of the very few better looking/perfect seeming 'alphas'. And believe me, it can continue for years if not decades if you don't speak up, & try to get noticed or develop some 'better game' to overcome this 'handicap'. And yes, it really is a describable, discernable 'handicap' with few redeeming features. Whereas the guy using the wheelchair might be getting the occasional 'pity screw' for being an heroic sounding interesting & forthright/positive character, the sad sack virgin/near virgin w/o much game is looked upon as either pathetic or not even in 'consideration' for much of his dating life. Constantly being looked over in favor of the heady heavily flavored DB's & choice A-Holes, born, made or created out of desperation from former desperate betas.

    That amusing OK Cupid study where all the women rejected Most of the men, even the 'good looking ones' is here:

    Again this might be 'over thinking' the problem, but the level of frustration is real & palpable. From many sides of the issue. And of course ignored or mocked in many places. And we'll still come away at the end of the day with the largest unmarried cohort of 30-40 & 50 something’s in our nation’s history. For some reason. When our women have never been better educated or wealthier. Go figure. I call it the unfortunate consequences of a 'revolution of rising expectations' that never seems to be adequately met.

    So bottom line? If you want something, you've got to be willing to go out & try to get it. Speak up for it & to them. It's the only way to learn, however painful or possibily embarrassing. Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'

  • synthesis

    I normally don't comment on blogs but your impression of Rivers Cuomo is rather misguided. I used to be a big Weezer fan and I've read a few older interviews with Rivers that are available online. Besides having an Asian fetish, he stated in an interview that he had several girls in his hotel room and wanted to get down to business so he said something like, “Anyone who wants to stay any longer needs to take off their clothes and get on the bed.” He said that three of them complied.

  • susanawalsh

    Whoa, that is totally plausible. I mean, it's not surprising that he would capitalize on his rock star status to get sex. It makes total sense. Why are you not still a Weezer fan?

  • synthesis

    I found the quality lacking after the green album.

  • synthesis

    I normally don't comment on blogs but your impression of Rivers Cuomo is rather misguided. I used to be a big Weezer fan and I've read a few older interviews with Rivers that are available online. Besides having an Asian fetish, he stated in an interview that he had several girls in his hotel room and wanted to get down to business so he said something like, “Anyone who wants to stay any longer needs to take off their clothes and get on the bed.” He said that three of them complied. He is still a rock star.

  • susanawalsh

    Whoa, that is totally plausible. I mean, it's not surprising that he would capitalize on his rock star status to get sex. It makes total sense. Why are you not still a Weezer fan?

  • synthesis

    I found the quality lacking after the green album.

  • Rick

    What's with the jab at republicans? Come now, you're better than that.

    And consider the plight of conservative fellows like me: If I have to listen to one more callow urban lefty wail on and on about the brilliance of NPR (a circle-jerk for sophists if there ever was one), I'm going to become a monk.

    Side note: I went to a YR meeting a couple of times, and I met several smart, engaging, professionally employed gals.

    There was something missing though… I know! There were no hipster doofi with their messy haircuts and big goofy plastic glasses.

    Anyway, you won't hear most conservative guys saying something like “I won't date a girl who's a democrat”, we're not that way.

    In fact, hehe, I tend to convert them.

  • susanawalsh

    Rick, haha, my apologies. I think I'm warped by living in Boston. Although I'm a registered Dem, I'm far more conservative than almost everyone I know, and I have inadvertently ended dinner parties by saying something positive about George Bush, for example. Most of my friends suffered from Bush Derangement Syndrome, and now they're happy as pigs in shit no matter what Obama does.

    When I included that in the post, though, I was thinking of the Winston Churchill quote:

    Show me a young Conservative and I'll show you someone with no heart. Show me an old Liberal and I'll show you someone with no brains.

  • susanawalsh

    P.S. Woke up in the middle of the night feeling badly I'd offended a reader, haha, even though you were a good sport. I'm offending enough people with my views on relationships, I don't need to add politics to the mix! Post revised.

  • Rick

    Did I sound offended? Haha. I dish it out, I can take it.

    I'm gonna have to tone down my responses, lest you take for a thin-skinned nancy-boy.

  • susanawalsh

    No chance of that! You've been a forceful commenter from the start. I guess I just realized it's dumb and gratuitous for me to interject any politics here – it's not germane to the point I was making. I did write a post admiring Barack's treatment of Michelle, but that was about their relationship, not about policy.