Holiday Hangover Links

Holiday Party“Tis the weekend for many holiday parties. Tomorrow, when you wake up at noon, and you have a few hours to nurse that hangover or just chill before the next crazy outing, check out some worthwhile links:

I. Hamby Dammit, a blogger and regular commenter here, was inspired by yesterday’s post about Meghan being in a “Whatever” relationship and wondering what to do about it. He left some really good comments on HUS, but then he also went and wrote about relationships on his own blog. It’s well worth a read, from the perspective of a very smart, mature guy. Lots of good stuff for women and men to ponder. Check it out by clicking here. Many thanks to Hamby for all of his great contributions to our discussions about relationships.

II. I received the nicest comment today from a reader and fellow blogger. Kallay left this comment on that same post that featured a letter from Meghan:

Your blog has inspired me to stop dating assholes, and for that, my friends thank you. In honor of that, I have given you an award. It’s on my blog.

Thank you so much for all of the rock solid advice. And keep it coming!

I can’t tell you how much this comment means to me. I’m told very frequently, by people who care about and respect me, that my efforts here are well-intentioned but doomed to be ineffective. I’m stubborn and strong-willed, so I just keep on keeping on, but hearing specific results-oriented feedback from a reader has totally made my day/week/month!

Here’s a little bit about Kallay, who writes Kallaydoscope:

My Photo

caregiver and soon-to-be-student by day, writer and insomniac by night, a creator, lover, daughter, sister, mother (sort of, do pets count?), and over zealous coffee drinker.

She’s charming, go check her out!

III. Salon has an article on whether watching porn is making guys lousy in bed. Women are comparing notes after their hookups, and realizing that guys are initiating their favorite porn moves. Certainly, the ubiquitous requests for anal sex come from porn, as does the preference many guys have for shaved pubes. Now women are reporting guys who jackhammer away mindlessly, grunting out lines such as “You like that, baby? You like that? Unh, unh.”  No. We don’t like that. Since you asked.

Sex educator Anne Semans cites a question from a poll on sexual attitudes taken at babeland.com last year:

“The most inaccurate perception men have picked up from porn is …”

The top four responses from women were:

1. …how women can have an orgasm from just vaginal intercourse

2. …the idea that women love semen in their faces

3. …the notion that anal sex is sexy

4. …that women prefer huge cocks

I’ve also read that guys in college are clogging Student Health Services with complaints of erectile dysfunction. More often than not, they eventually admit to watching great quantities of porn. Now they find that a normal girl who doesn’t look like that, sound like that or behave like that is not enough to arouse them.

Stop wasting doctors’ time when they’re trying to deal with swine flu! If you can reduce or even eliminate the porn you’re watching, your sex life stands to improve dramatically.

IV. Steve Ward from the TV show Tough Love recently had some things to say that nicely complement my recent post Make a Move Girl, He Wants You To. He talks about ways that women can, and should, take the initiative when they are attracted to a guy. Reader Morning Glory recently shared that she was talking to a guy and at one point she said, “Isn’t this the part where you ask for my number?” I love it! He laughed, and called her the next day for a date. Way to go, Morning Glory!

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  • synthesis

    I'm not sure what kind of porn guys are watching that makes it so they can't get it up for willing college co-eds. I thought internet gonzo porn was popular, which sometimes features college aged girls looking to make some fast cash by appearing in one or a few scenes and not making a career in porn. Some do make a career out it, but the look is still the same: cute, natural, girl next door type with somewhere between a B and a D cup, average height, healthy weight on the thin side. Perfectly reasonable, except the ubiquity of the shaven look.

    Since women are not large consumers of porn, they must make assumptions as to what porn actresses generally look like and so they place the blame on them. I think what's really happening is that guys are expecting the girl to be sexually vivacious and for the sex act to be essentially an instrument of male pleasure (what with the anal, dirty talk, facials, etc.).

  • http://kallaydoscope.info/ Kallay

    Aw, thanks Susan! I so appreciate that!

    It's so funny because my friends and I talk about this a lot. The main reason for not approaching guys is the same reason the Beta males won't approach us, we're afraid of rejection. Your blog is a huge confidence booster though. Why not take the chance? If you don't talk to the guy, he doesn't have a chance *to* say yes, so either way you leave sans number.

    As for the porn, blech. Porn gives men a seriously unrealistic view of women's bodies. It's their *job* to work out and look good. I take enough of an effort in my appearance to not be unfortunate but my days are not focused around how great my ass looks in a thong. I have things to do, like research and write and take care of my elderly clients. None of those things require me to have the body nor the sex drive of a porn star. And would I want that? No! Looks might get me into the bedroom but they will never get me into a satisfying relationship and while sex is an extremely fun part of a relationship, so is talking and debating and getting to know more about a guy than how he likes his blow jobs.

  • susanawalsh

    synthesis, thanks for commenting. Re the ED problem, I think it has to do with guys literally desensitizing themselves through frequent masturbation to porn. Over time, the porn scenarios become linked to arousal in the brain, and interferes with normal arousal patterns. From what I understand, guys can even lose the ability to masturbate without looking at porn.

  • susanawalsh

    Amen to that!

    Re taking the chance with guys, it is hard to set yourself up for rejection, I know. But being flirty or sassy with confidence really increases the chances for success, so I think it's worth doing. As you say, the worst that can happen is no further contact, which would have happened anyway.

  • hambydammit

    There was a funny gag on South Park recently about not being able to masturbate without the internet.

    Speaking of gag… I've noticed that there seems to be a lot of demand for videos of girls gagging on cocks. Personally, I've never thought vomit on my penis was much of a turn-on, but I can certainly see this kind of thing as a “backlash” of sorts against guys feeling like they're losing power. (Guys are very sensitive about power, you know.)

    I'm just thinking aloud, but Betas outnumber Alphas, and with all the girls having hookups with the alphas who are brave enough to approach them, is it possible that there's a whole population of males who are getting frustrated and angry at women for just screwing assholes? Are they watching this kind of video as a way to “get back” at women for being “bitches”? I mean… they're betas, so they wouldn't *actually* take it out on a woman the way an alpha would…

    I dunno. Like I said, just thinking aloud.

  • synthesis

    I like to exercise for a number of reasons. In addition to the obvious, it gives me energy and improves my sleep. I've read a lot about fitness and nutrition and it really is true: weight loss has more to do with diet than exercise. What, you don't have the time to eat more healthily? http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,…

    Again, a woman is claiming porn is ruining mens' standards for physical beauty. Can you actually name a porn star that gives an unrealistic view of womens' bodies?

  • susanawalsh

    Oh boy, is there ever a population of bitter and angry males! I hate to even refer one person to it, but take a look at Roissy in DC. It's a blog about Game, mens' rights, and hatred of feminism and women in general. He gets hundreds of comments on every post, and he's spawned many blogs among his followers. It's scary stuff. You might find it interesting, but promise you won't go over to the Dark Side.

  • hambydammit

    LOL… that's the beauty of being me. There is no dark side. There is no light side. There is no spoon.

    Seriously, though. It's difficult for me to go to the dark side or the light side. I'm such a behaviorist that I find it very hard to get worked up about the way people act. That, and I've managed to have a very full rich dating life while being a nice guy alpha.

  • bsg

    when i first read the bit about college age men going to the doctor for ED, the first thing i thought was men looking for prescriptions for viagra. through the grapevine, its supposed to help healthy men keep it up longer. so if that idea is floating around, then men going to the doctor for a legal prescription sounds feasible… its not like they have to actually prove their condition to get one.

  • susanawalsh

    Good point. I do know that the fastest growing market for Viagra is males 18-25, believe it or not. There may indeed be some feigning dysfunction, but I'm sure there are plenty of guys struggling too. They are quite upset and scared when they come in – I can't imagine anything would freak a young guy out more than the plumbing not working.

  • http://kallaydoscope.info/ Kallay

    Jenny McCarthy, ANY of the Girls Next Door, I could go on…

    I like to exercise for the same reasons, but it's not my job to look perfect, where in their professional world, it is. I also mentioned the sex drives of porn stars. Porn makes it seem like all women want crazy dirty raunchy sex and if you don't, you're not worth a damn. What the hell is that? I like sex as much as the next girl, that doesn't mean I want you to cum on my face, but if I don't allow it, does that make me bad in bed? Some men, because of porn, would say yes, and that's crap.

  • http://kallaydoscope.info/ Kallay

    Jenny McCarthy, ANY of the Girls Next Door, I could go on…

    I like to exercise for the same reasons, but it's not my job to look perfect, where in their professional world, it is. I also mentioned the sex drives of porn stars. Porn makes it seem like all women want crazy dirty raunchy sex and if you don't, you're not worth a damn. What the hell is that? I like sex as much as the next girl, that doesn't mean I want you to cum on my face, but if I don't allow it, does that make me bad in bed? Some men, because of porn, would say yes, and that's crap.

  • synthesis

    OMG, it's a travesty that guys are physically attracted to highly attractive women! That fact is the very reason why you can't find a decent guy! I mean, can't guys think of another primary attribute to be attracted to? (God forbid one should improve oneself in order to be more desirable to a potential mate!) What is up with the males of all mammals? Why do they always use arbitrary signifiers of health and compatibility like looks and scent? Can't they be attracted to intelligence and personality, which females wear on their sleeve like peacocks?

    Jenny McCarthy and the Girls Next Door were Playboy playmates, not porn stars. Playboy is “erotica” and not porn. Playboy used to airbrush out any naughty parts in pictures that showed the nether regions because Playboy is “classy.” When they stopped is at least post-Jenny McCarthy. I got over the Playboy type junior year of high school. I doubt Playboy is preventing high school boys from wanting high school girls. Boys are into Playboy at an age where a stiff breeze gives them an erection.

    Most, if not all of those playmates mentioned have fake breasts. Hugh Hefner obviously has a thing for blondes with large breasts, fake or not. Surgically enhanced breasts started when Japanese prostitutes injected silicone into their breasts because American soldiers stationed in Japan liked big breasts. It's really a larger culturally thing. American women are free to emigrate elsewhere if they don't agree with the culture. However, I doubt breast size is a dealbreaker for most guys.

    If a guy can't be with someone because they don't live up to some pornstar ideal, it's really the guy's loss, right? Do you really want to be with a deluded individual? And seriously, has a guy actually thrown a hissy fit with you because you wouldn't let him cum on your face? Or are you just imagining an unpleasant scenario and are projecting? Let me give you some advice. Chill out, don't become bitter and don't freak out if you find out your guy likes porn. Do not consider it cheating and do not consider it a dealbreaker or you will either find yourself being lied to in attempt to hide it or very lonely.

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  • hambydammit

    I actually just had a conversation with two twenty-something guys about viagra and young guys. They tell me that for normal, virile guys, viagra gives you a four hour jackhammer.

    Aren't you girls thrilled?

  • ExNewYorker

    Well, that's not too surprising, really. The beta guys were the ultimate losers of the sexual revolution, so that's where a large part of the anger is. The alphas? They're not that angry since they benefited the most from the current state of things. For them it's the best of all worlds: hookup culture “required” of women in the dating scene, and no societal judgment for them refusing to commit long-term.

    It's is interesting to read some of what they write over there, since I think learning what the alphas do is a good way to improve in that fashion. However, I think life is too short to dwell on the bitterness and anger, so I can't agree with all they write.

  • susanawalsh

    OMG, yikes! I wrote a post about the stamina of Michael Phelps once, after a stripper said he had lasted three full hours in a threesome. I think I said there isn't enough lube in the world to make that pleasurable. I recently saw a survey on this topic. The largest group of women want sex to last 20-40 minutes. The second largest group said 10-20 minutes. The sample was diverse, not just college students, but I think guys are seriously misinformed if they think four hours of intercourse is going to produce anything other than some severe abrasions.