Twenty Terrible Gifts for Your Significant Other

With only one day till Christmas, it’s getting a bit late for shopping. Still, many of you undoubtedly plan to run out tomorrow and get that last-minute gift for your SO, or even that “person who you are hooking up with and who might turn into something more.”

How do you know whether a gift is appropriate or creepy?

I think if you’ve got a situation where both parties are interested, a thoughtful gift or gesture is a nice idea. Don’t make the mistake of getting your FWB a gift. Ditto for the guy you hooked up with last weekend who is now ignoring your texts. No gifts for exes. If you’re one of the many people who admits, “I’m not sure what we’re doing or what it means,” then it’s hard to know whether a gift would be welcome.

Of course, no one wants a situation where they shyly present a gift, only to face a look of terror and panic on their beloved’s face. If you aren’t sure whether you’re exchanging gifts (more common than you think), you might pick something up to be safe. If it’s small, you can have it on you, but you could also stash it somewhere hidden in case you need it. If you don’t wind up giving it, hang onto it for Valentine’s Day!

What makes a good gift?

Everyone knows that women are much harder to please when it comes to giving presents. We know it’s the thought that counts, but we want that thought to have been romantic. If you’re romantically involved with someone, I think you should give a thoughtful gift. It doesn’t have to be expensive. In fact, it doesn’t have to cost anything. Two of the best gifts I ever received were an original song, and a little book of Pablo Neruda love poems. I was utterly charmed by each of those gifts. Guys should be OK if they avoid getting anything remotely useful. Nothing utilitarian, and never, ever get a gift for a woman that is about self-improvement. If you aren’t sure what to get, ask your mom or your sisters. Bad things happen when men go to the mall alone without any preconceived notions.

The Wall St. Journal recently cited several reasons buying a gift for a woman can be treacherous:

• Women tend to care more about gifts.
• They shop more, and think more about them.
• They attach more emotion to them.
• Women can also be more demanding and less direct. They expect men to pick up on subtle cues.
• When men receive gifts they hate, they typically shrug them off. Women, faced with the same dilemma, feel hurt.

In his new book, “Scroogenomics,” Wharton School economist Joel Waldfogel estimates that the gifts others buy for us are worth 20% less to us than the gifts we buy for ourselves. But of all the people on our holiday lists, he says, the ones we are best at picking out gifts for are spouses and significant others. That’s because, presumably, we know these people best.

Below is a list of my favorite terrible gifts, chosen by both women and men. The first one was a misfire by my husband.

1. A pair of British “wellies”, gardening boots that would permit me to “muck about in the garden all winter long.”

I do love gardening. IN THE SUMMER. Yeah, I really want to get out there during the next snowstorm and pick up fallen brush. (He has since been forgiven.)

2. A 7-day Colon Cleanse

3. A Topsy Turvy Tomato Planter

4. A 5 foot-long chunk of pine

For a man who had expressed an interest in woodcarving 12 years earlier.

5. A Neti Pot for sinus health

These are often sold at the registers at Whole Foods stores. Using one involves snorting, blowing and draining. This reeks of “what the hell” at 10 p.m. on Christmas Eve.

6. A talking scale

In addition to insulting you with your weight in pounds or kilos, this will also yell your body fat percentage loudly enough for the person in the next room to hear it.

7. A dictionary for a college girlfriend

Remember what I said about useful?

8. A 20×24 photo of oneself

I picture a college freshman giving this, the huge photo in his Senior Photo package deal that no one ever displays, because it looks RIDICULOUS.

9. A size 3X flannel nightgown for a size 8 woman

He said he figured no one likes to sleep in something tight. Also, it was emblazoned with St. Bernards because “she likes dogs.”

10. Diabetic circulatory socks for a healthy young woman

Maybe he thought they were some new form of Spanx.

11. A travel iron

The receipient says she keeps it because it comes in handy for the “You don’t even know me anymore!” argument. That sounds like good strategy.

12. Pop-up sponges from Williams-Sonoma

He claimed she was the one who directed him to WS. Poor guy probably discovered this was the only item in the store for 20 bucks.

13. A rotary ear and nose hair clipper

Not only useful, but implies the poor guy needs to step up his grooming. There’s got to be a way of saying that differently.

14. Bean-filled slippers that can be warmed in the microwave

OK, honestly? I got a pair of these for my Dad this year. I’ll let you know if he likes them.

15. An exercise DVD

Any gift that implies your ass is getting too big is a non-starter.

16. A heating pad with accompanying Breathe Right strips

The randomest gift ever. Perfect when your SO is an injured snorer?

17. A Twisty, super-absorbent hair towel

This might have been given by the same guy who bought the Topsy Turvy Tomato Planter. I’m pretty sure both of these gifts are in discount stores next to a sign that says: AS SEEN ON TV.

18. Durex XXL condoms

The woman meant for these to be a reassuring gift announcing unconditional love and admiration for her guy. However, he said it made him feel terrible because “I knew that when I pulled out, I’d probably leave the condom behind.”

19. A chess board with no accompanying pieces

I’m not sure whether this was a stab at encouraging the sharpening of mental skills, but any way you spin it, it’s only half a gift. It requires the receipient to go run around town looking for pieces without the board.

20. A jigsaw puzzle featuring kittens with a ball of yarn

Last-minute desperation seems pretty clear here. There are better things I could think of to do on a snow day. Have that boy checked for Low T.

One woman referred to this kind of FAIL as bad holidating behavior. What’s the worst gift you ever got from someone you were seeing?

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Tags: Christmas gifts, Christmas shopping, last-minute gifts, romantic gifts