Spotted: Hot Guy With a Conscience!
Dear Susan,
I am a college student in my senior year, and recently ended a 3-year-long relationship. There’s a great, gorgeous girl that I’ve been getting to know, and I’ve been focusing some of my “attention” towards her. I had a big date event coming up so I asked her to it, which meant going away for the whole weekend. Right before I left, another girl came onto me and we “hooked up” – made out and such. Then the weekend happened and I had sexual relations with the first girl because it clicked. Then we get back and they kinda found out about each other. I continued to hook up with the weekend girl (twice) and we watched a few movies together.
The only problem is I have fallen for the second girl after being with the first one a few times. She found out I had stayed over with the first girl and she was mad and blah but she still shows interest. Bad News: they live across the hall from each other on the same floor of an apartment structure. Look, I’m not some player and I’m completely new to this being single thing as its only been less than 2 months since my breakup. I have no idea what to do. I like both … only legitimately hooked up with one…being newly single I dunno how to handle this attention. I don’t want to play the girls but I also want to be single. I feel like I am gonna get myself caught up in a relationship I don’t want to be in right away. Please give some advice, thanks so much!
Storm
Dear Storm,
I really appreciate your letter. It’s a perfect illustration of a guy wanting to do the right thing while still maximizing his own pleasure. Which is totally legit. As you are already aware, situations like this get tricky fast, and before you know it, you’re getting dirty looks in the cafeteria and being called a douchebag by the friends of either or both girls. Their living across the hall from each other won’t help — a late night bitch session with you as the villain is probably going to happen any minute. So let’s break this down so that you can get what you want and still have nothing to apologize for.
Caveat Emptor
As far as I can tell from your account, you haven’t done anything wrong. You didn’t make any promises to anyone — both of these girls are taking their chances. (Girl #1 is NOT hooking up smart, btw.)
If a girl pounces on you, or eagerly goes for your belt buckle, you are under no obligation whatsoever. It’s not your responsibility to warn away women who have clearly decided to throw caution to the winds. For all you know, a girl is looking for something casual herself.
Girl #2 came onto you for a makeout session. (Yay for her, I love it when the girls make moves!) You obliged. She has absolutely no grounds to be mad at you! If anything, she probably likes you even more now, which is implied in your letter.
Similarly, Girl #1 went for the sex because the two of you had a good time together. You’ve since hung out and hooked up a couple more times, which she clearly wants. However, you would have been perfectly justified in never calling her again if you didn’t want to see her. She consented to no-strings sex, and that’s on her. I don’t think it’s fair to blame men when they’re playing by the rules.
So let the buyers beware, because it sounds to me like neither one of them is likely to get what they want in the end, if what they want is a relationship. And once they figure that out, your booty supply is bound to dry up. While you are understandably anxious to keep it going as long as possible, I do feel that you have a moral obligation to be up front with both girls about your intentions at this point. Now that you understand that both girls are interested in something more than random sex, avoiding the subject and hoping for the best is going to lead to hurt feelings.
Your Moral Obligation
You’ve just ended a long-term monogamous relationship, and you want to enjoy being single. It’s completely natural for you to want to get with as many girls as possible, and to keep your options open. On the other hand, you mention liking both of them, and even falling for Girl #2. You’re also worried that you could find yourself in another relationship before you even realize what’s happening. Overall, it sounds to me like you’re the relationship type, but want some time to yourself, and to play the field. That means that you are going to have to take specific steps to remain single and a good guy at the same time.
You need to state BEFORE sex that you are not looking for anything serious if you have any reason to believe the girl might want a relationship.
Everyone knows that girls are more relationship-oriented than guys are. We often prefer to have a partnership with one man that we are crazy about than to be having no-strings sex with various people. Technically, it is the girl’s responsibility to act in her own best interests, but I think you know that few girls feel comfortable saying early on, “What is this? What are we doing? Are we in a relationship?” It’s painfully awkward and humiliating, so girls often go with the flow and hope for the best. Stating up front what your availability is seems fair. Of course, you run the risk of not getting laid that way, but you won’t be playing anyone, either, which is a pretty crappy way to get sex.
When you are faced with a choice, and find that you have a preference, you need to cut the loser loose.
You have to make a choice. You prefer Girl #2 at this point. You have also learned that both girls are unwilling to double dip casually with you. If you try to have sex with both, things will get ugly fast. If you want to stay single and keep things casual, then go for random hookups. Once you start hooking up with the same person repeatedly, emotions (and hormones) come into play and it becomes very difficult for women to sustain that. (That’s why most women are miserable in FWB relationships, and most guys are satisfied.)
Tell Girl #1 that you don’t want to hook up any more. You aren’t looking for a relationship, and you don’t think it’s a good idea because it’s getting to be a regular thing and you sense that she is more invested than you are. Done.
Tell Girl #2 that you are not hooking up with Girl #1 anymore. Initiate any kind of contact that you want with her, but tell her up front that you’ve only been single two months, and are not looking for anything serious. If she’s down to hang out and hook up under those conditions, then you have fulfilled your moral responsibility.
However, I would say that no matter how casual things stay between you, it is super shady to be hooking up with someone regularly, and then have sex with someone new without telling them. Once you hook up with someone else, you owe it to her to be honest about that. Her emotional and physical well-being may depend on it.
Storm, you’re a senior with one semester left. Obviously, it makes no sense for you to get attached to someone new at this point. I recommend having as much fun as you can in your last semester of college. If you follow my advice, you should be able to do that without breaking any hearts. I respect your wanting to do the right thing. It may suppress your number a bit, but at least you’ll be able to look at yourself in the mirror without feeling like crap.
xoxo
Susan
P.S. Congrats on being the focus of girl attention so soon after your breakup. Hearing from a guy with sexual options AND a conscience is a delight. You’re going to be a great catch when you decide you’re ready to be reeled in again.
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I am honestly honored by your post and completely appreciative of all your advice you have given me. I think that you are definitely hitting the nail on the head with my situation and I plan on taking action immediately. I am not a player type nor do I plan on slaying multiple women, I'm a relationship guy and I care about the girls and their feelings. I thank you again for the post and the advice and I an now one your #1 fans!!!
OMG! I loved your advice to this guy! But i have to say, in my humble opinion, guy needs to be way more sensitive with girl #1. She's gonna get hurt! I know she did it at her own risk and everything…but still, they had been 'knowing each other' before anything happened so i suspect that she thought there was something more going on…
…. us girls at that age…dangerous creatures!!!
I would skip the whole “you're more invested than i am” because she might a) take it wayyy too personal or b) get obsessed with him
Happy Holidays by the way, wishing you and HUS a really succesful 2010!!!!!
Melissa:
I completely agree with me having to be more sensitive to Girl #1 and I kinda thought myself that something could come out of this. After some time though I'm just feeling like things just aren't “clicking” … I feel no spark and things just plain feel awkward at times. I like her but I just don't see an “us” in the future and I'm beginning to see that Girl #2 is more like me as far as personality and such. I guess it just took some time to see that things weren't as I thought they were – sometimes I feel that being single is harder then when I was in a relationship lol …
It is harder!!!! Big breakthrough right there Mr.!!
You should not feel bad or guilty because you happened to discover that you guys didn't click as well after all. It happens. I've met amazing guys in every level but for some mysterious reason we just don't click, at least, i don't feel it. But i've also been the girl on the other end, the one who's being rejected for no particular reason… and i think the best thing to hear in this case is a plain “i'm not looking for a relationship, i think you deserve someone who's willing to give you what you want and that's not me at the moment”.
Best of luck! and Happy Holidays!!!
and also, reinforce how cool, great and awesome she is! This is very important because it also leaves an open door for a friendship eventually. She will want to be friends with someone who's honest and thoughtful and who has a high opinion of her!!!
Thanks for the added advice and I think your comment to tell her is perfect. I just don't want her to hate me … but I can't control her reaction. I feel bad but I do feel that it is necessary so that I am not wasting her time as well as mine. Happy Holidays and I think this is now one of my favorite websites of all time.
Thank you Storm! You wrote a great letter, and I'm really glad I could share it here. Gaaahhh, keep me posted!
Hi Melissa, great to see you! This is a good point – Girl #1 might already be lined up for a broken heart. It's not Storm's fault, but some sensitivity would definitely help.
Hahaha, Storm, thanks for the praise for HUS! I love, love, love it when the guys come around. More and more these days, which is awesome. That way we get to have a dialogue with both sexes, like you and Melissa here.
Ha no problem – Ok I am stuck … I know what I want to say but not sure how to say it – I was thinking a long the lines of this:
Ok i'm gonna regret bringing this up right now, I have been thinking about this for a while, but I feel like I have to. It's about “us” … I feel like we moved too quick into it. You are gorgeous and nice and everything but I'm not sure we're on the same level with things. As blunt as it sounds i'm not looking for a relationship right at this point, I think you deserve someone who's willing to give you what you want and that's not me at the moment. I just got out of this relationship with my x and things have just been hectic for me with this new situation i'm in. I don't want you to hate me but if you do i understand …
I'm really nervous about bringing this up with her … what do you guys think?
I think that's fine – but I wouldn't mention any possible future regret. She needs to know that it is 100% over. It is very hard to disappoint someone, and I give you credit for caring about her feelings. You should be prepared to talk with her about it – she may not want to talk after you tell her this, but she may have questions. In that case, keep it simple and honest. And don't waver!
I would get rid of the “and everything” after gorgeous and nice, LOL. Just to give it a little bit more credibility
Also, I don't know how she's gonna react. But one of my best friend is the world, is actually a guy who once gave me that speech. You just have to sound genuine, like you mean it, which shouldn't be difficult since it's all true. Look at her straight in the eyes and talk in a soft, calmed manner. Give her the opportunity to speak her mind but remain firm in your position.
Good luck!!
Just my opinion here, but I think you should leave out the “You are gorgeous and nice and everything” all together. I am afraid it will come off sounding trite and leave you looking like the d-bag you don't want to be. Trust me on this. Leave her looks and everything else out of it, and just go straight to the heart of the matter. Good luck!!
Ha I thought I edited it before I posted but I guess not … after reading that a few times I decided that part didn't fit in at all. I'm gonna use this as like a structure and go off of that – hopefully all goes as well as it could. Thanks for all the advice guys!
OK, now that you've got us all on the edge of our seats, we want an update once you do it!
That's a slight problem, she lives over two hours from me and I won't be able to talk to her face to face until around the 20th of January … not really sure if I feel like using Facebook or text for something like this …
Of course, it's winter break. I would wait and do it face to face. Of course, if you aren't in touch for all of break, she's going to know it's not progressing. Your task may not be all that hard in the end. Awkward!
Wow… the comments totally became the P.S. of the post! I'm eager to hear what happens with Girl #1. There is a lot of great advice here and a nice little reminder to those of us who have been Girl #1s in the past. Fantastic as always!
Ah, yes. sounds like a classic fizzle out.
DO NOT USE FACEBOOK, I beg of you.