The #1 Mistake Women Make in Relationships
I just finished the memoir Accidentally on Purpose: A One-Night Stand, My Unplanned Parenthood, and Loving the Best Mistake I Ever Made, by Mary Pols. I’d been moved to pick it up after reading positive blurbs like these:
“Bay Area film critic Pols chronicles her unexpected pregnancy and journey into not-quite-single motherhood….A page-turner by someone who stopped waiting for Mr. Perfect.” — Kirkus Reviews
“Candid and unaffected, Pols provides an important lesson about not being willing to compromise herself, and that being brave can bring the richest rewards.” — Publishers Weekly
Consider this a total spoiler alert if you’re planning on reading it. Otherwise, I’ve gotta tell ya, this writer wrote a book about compromising herself in every possible way. She wasn’t brave, she was absolutely idiotic and reckless with her own life. And yeah, it’s a page turner in the same way an accident on the freeway is something you can’t help staring at as you drive by slowly. It’s pretty much a long list of what not to do between the ages of 20 and 40 if you want to find a life partner.
Here’s an account of Mary’s most important relationships. I’ve highlighted the 29 most crucial, glaring errors. Feel free to add to the count in the comments.
I. Peter
Mary met Peter in Wash DC, a few months after college. He was a teacher; handsome, well-educated, convinced of his own worth.
“Peter’s half-brother was a well-known actor, and some of that glamour hung about his own chiseled features and long, lean frame. (1) I was smitten. He seemed (2) smitten, at least with the sex (3).”
He gave her tests – what did she think of various books – if the answer was wrong she was a fool. You like TC Boyle? Fool. Don’t like my favorite author of the day? Fool. (4)
“He once told me that I didn’t challenge him. (5) He broke up with me not long after, a long pattern of push me, pull me.” (6)
When he applied to the Peace Corps, he was interviewed about whether he had a significant other, and whether that would interfere with his mobility.
“I told them that I’ll miss you, but that it wouldn’t stop me from going.” (7)
Mary was not discouraged. Peter wrote occasionally, and although the letters were mostly about the logisitics of building latrines, she eagerly awaited his return to the U.S. (8)
“I believed that, eventually, he’d own up to feeling the same way about our relationship as I did. This misconception lasted all through the years he spent in the Peace Corps.” (9)
When he came back, he asked her to ride across the Sahara on the back of his motorcycle. She had started grad school at Berkeley and couldn’t go, but “the invitation itself was enough to fuel my fantasy life.” (10)
Four years after their first meeting, he came to see her on a trip home and they spent a blissful day together. He said:
“I missed you so much. There hasn’t been anyone else. Well, I mean, no one like you.” (11)
But later that night he said, “I get the feeling this means a lot to you. This reunion, or whatever it is. You seem to believe we belong together. Or something like that.”
Mary: I’m not pretending all of this doesn’t mean something.
Peter: It doesn’t mean anything.
Mary: I don’t believe you. I think you love me.
Peter: I feel something for you. It’s deep, but I don’t understand it. I just know I don’t want to end up with you. (12)
At that point, Peter hopped in his car and sped away, burning rubber on his way out of the drive.
II. Michel
Mary met Michel at the LA Times after grad school. They were friends for a couple of months before anything happened. Pretty soon he found a new job and relocated. He said he was not ready for a commitment, so they broke up. Mary drove up to visit “on the pretense of seeing other friends.” (13) She asked him to lunch. They had sex. A few weeks later, she made another weekend trip using the same excuse. (14) They spent time together and he suggested she move up to San Franciso, but said “I don’t want you to move here just for me.” (15)
A few weeks later, she called him to say she had secured a job interview in the Bay Area. He stated again that he didn’t want her moving just for him. She pressed, and he confessed that he didn’t see a future for them. (16) She moved up there and waited for him to change his mind. (17)
My hope evaporated so slowly that I caught traces of it in myself for years to come, like perfume trapped in the folds of a sweater you rarely wear. (18) In the next eleven years, the bad things that happened with men had become less significant for the kind of quivering mess they left me in than for the amount of my valuable reproductive time they had consumed. I had standards for what I wanted and had learned a few lessons about holidng out for someone I could really count on.
III. Thumb Sucking Boy
Now well into her 30s, Mary took up with Thumb Sucking Boy, who was five years younger. This bothered her less than it did him, but over time he took her to meet his parents, and even bought of a copy of Mortgages for Dummies (19), which Mary took to be a very good sign. Still, he seemed weak and unfocused. On one occasion, he whined about wanting to be the man in the relationship, but “he looked very much like a boy, with his belligerent, semi-intoxicated expression, swaying forlornly at the end of the bed.” (20)
Once, Mary came out of the bathroom to find him watching TV with the top sheet pulled up over his nose. She asked, “Are you sucking your thumb right now?” He quickly removed it, but a barrier had been torn down, and after than he began to do it more often. “Whenever we disagreed about anything, he’d plunge the thumb into his mouth, as if it were in retaliation for some perceived slight.” (21) Mary was troubled by this rather juvenile behavior, but decided to run it by her shrink. Knowing from past experience that her therapist wouldn’t make a judgment call, she was surprised when the shrink exclaimed, “THAT IS WEIRD!” She ended the relationship.
IV. Matt the Baby Daddy
Thirty-nine year-old Mary went to a barbecue to meet up with the promising neurosurgeon she had recently been introduced to by friends. He didn’t show. Feeling sorry for herself and frisky at the same time, she proceeded to Finnegan’s Wake, a local bar. Once there, she spied a cute guy in a baseball cap smoking a cigarette on the sidewalk. She struck up a convo with him.
Mary: I’m coming home with you.
Matt: I’ve got to get a new place. But not until I get a J-O-B. (22)
“What I always loved about the hookup…was the sharp sense of recognition you had when you met a man’s eyes and realized that not only were you going to sleep together, but he’d be the next person who would really matter to you. (23) You just knew it…even a hint of that feeling is often enough, b/c it makes you remember hope. Matt saved me from my unwanted celibacy. (24)”
The pillows were foam and only half-covered with ratty navy blue cases. There was a pile of lacrosse sticks in the corner, and an array of baseball caps on top of every bed post. He kept quoting Homer Simpson, saying “anywho” whenever there was a pause in the conversation. (25) She asked him if he had a condom, and he dutifully went and got one. But his erection was iffy, and she never insisted he put it on. (26)
PREGGERS!
Matt, 29 and halfway to homeless, was surprisingly interested in being a father to Mary’s son. He hung around a lot, and they wound up having a lot of sex during the pregnancy, always initiated by Mary. (27)
“In late January, we went to a full-day Lamaze class together, and as he sat behind me to massage my back, he put his arms around me and kissed my head. It felt as though we were a couple. Not content to let sleeping dogs lie, I wanted to know if we would keep on behaving as a couple after the baby was born. I asked him point blank about our relationship.”
Matt: I feel the same as I always have. I told you from the beginning that I wanted us to be friends who co-parent. I want us to get along. That’s important for him.
Mary: So nothing that has happened in the last few months has changed that? Nothing? Not sleeping with me every night, not spending all this time together, none of this has any impact on you at all?
Matt: It’s been nice. Really nice. It’ important that we be friends. But I don’t want there to be confusion for him later on.
Mary: Was this mercy fucking? You felt nothing at all?
Matt: Of course I felt something. I just don’t want things to be weird with us. If we keep sleeping together, they will be.
Mary: Well, I have started to have feelings for you. My feelings have evolved for you, but here you are, saying that you haven’t changed since the day I told you I was pregnant? How can you know that for sure?
Matt: I just do.
Mary: You know that you will never be in love with me?
Matt: Yes.
Mary: You KNOW that?
Matt: Yes. I can’t give you what you need, Mary. I’m sorry.
I badgered him for a little longer, accused him of having no heart, a cold heart, a dead heart. (28)
What had I been doing with Matt? Why had I given myself so easily, yet again, to someone who didn’t really want me? (29)
The #1 mistake women make in relationships?
1. HANGING ON AFTER ALL HOPE IS LOST
2. ASSUMING THERE IS AN EMO, VULNERABLE, GENEROUS BEING INSIDE THE ASSHOLE
3. WRITING A ROMANTIC SCRIPT, WHEN THE HERO IS M.I.A.
Mary spent her youth with assholes. FOR 20 YEARS! She talked about having high standards, but halfwayed it with men who didn’t love her until she ran out of options. I’m happy for her that she has her son, Dolan. I’m glad Matt is a loving father. But honestly? Saying that she wouldn’t have changed a thing, so that she could have THIS son, the best of all possible sons…that doesn’t cut it. She made bad decision after bad decision, and she wasted her youth and beauty.
KNOW WHEN TO WALK AWAY. IT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT LESSON YOU WILL EVER LEARN. IGNORE IT AT YOUR PERIL. YOU MAY WELL FIND YOURSELF ALONE AT 39 WITH PUNY, SHRIVELED EGGS AND A HOMELESS GUY SLEEPING ON YOUR COUCH.
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And you wonder why men think women are crazy? And evil? Unfortunately the evidence suggests women are hard-wired this way. This woman is an extreme example, but not atypical. If you care, she doesn't. If you don't care, she does.
Women should look upon “game” as a godsend. How much better is a man who pretends he doesn't care, but really does, than a man who actually, in reality, does not care? An order of multitude.
I laughed through this entire blog because it really *was* a train wreck!! How could she do this for TWENTY years and not have a clue? Thank God for your blog Susan. Seriously, you are giving men and women quite a service by being so blatantly honest.
Love it!
The last conversation speaks volumes to her desperation. How many times was she planning on asking him? I bet she's STILL asking him! Poor guy! Just wants to take care of his kid and now he has to take care of her too!? Lame. Sauce. Mary.
It's women like her who give the rest of us a bad name, *groan*.
The one common thread I found in all of her relationships (except for Thumb Sucking Boy, which was just out and out weird) is this: SHE was the one who constantly made the move. SHE was the one who constantly pushed for more than what the guy was willing to give. And she wonders why she ended up with a loser like Matt? That wasn't having high standards, that was desperation, out and out. Worst of all, she just didn't know when to quit. What I see is a woman who was so afraid of being alone she kept making the same mistakes over and over again.
And Omega Man, I don't know about “game” being a godsend. Maybe it's cultural–I'm a 41 year old married woman from Manila– but when I was single, we women took it for granted that men did the chasing, period, and it kept things simple and straightforward, no “game” involved. Nowadays, from what I've been reading, it's as if everyone's just groping in the dark trying to make sense of the entire complicated mess.
Crazy? Fair enough. Evil? No. I don't see how Mary was evil. She was too trusting, too hopeful, too optimistic, and far too generous. She didn't take advantage of any one of these men. But she did allow herself to be a victim, and for that I disrespect her.
Re game, I agree. A man who feigns indifference until he is sure of a woman's affection is far preferable to a man who does not care and never will. However, I will always discriminate against Asshole Game – the practice of undermining a woman's self-esteem to make her seek validation from the male. It creates a dynamic, sometimes even a relationship, that is built on a house of cards.
Hi, Kallay, it's true, the relationship between Mary and Matt is incredibly painful to witness. She winds up being more of a nagging mother figure to him than any kind of partner. He does seem like a loving dad, but more in the sense of a fellow playmate than any kind of responsible role model. At one point, he hooks up with someone else, and she guilts him into going into couples counseling over it. The therapist can't quite figure out why they're there, since they aren't a couple. Matt seems equally perplexed, but very passive in the face of her insistence. It really seems like a disaster.
I assume these guys were really attractive, in some way or another, and that's how Mary justified her choices as having “high standards.” So many of my friends (we're in our twenties) express a fear of “settling,” but I'm starting to wonder what “settling” really means. I think this fear of settling is related to the same romantic script that kept Mary chasing after these guys when they were already gone. It's probably a maturity issue, which is what makes Mary's story so sad.
Re: “game,” I don't know if it's so helpful. Maybe for guys who have bought into the idea that women only like men who treat them badly. But how are the girls supposed to distinguish between the guy who doesn't care but is pretending he does and the guy who does care but is pretending he doesn't?
Umm I could have gone all year w/o that sad confirmation there. I think this is a case study in how not to waste decades of your life. And like everything else, it'll be mostly ignored, except for the 'happy ending'. Have no fear ladies, you can always tempt some poor, down on his luck dude into getting you pregnant. The trick is to have them hang around to do the co-parent deal afterwards. Mary was indeed lucky in that. But then badgering the poor bloke into something akin to an 'adult, responsible' relationship with the dad? Nearly impossible w/o it built into the relationship from the start. no, just sex is not the be all balm for all of creation. There needed to be more. Always. Mary poor sot, seems to be still quite clueless about this point too. Despite all the accolades for her 'honesty' in her book.
So let's total it all up. Stupid? Certainly. No argument there. Crazy? Is as crazy does for 2 decades… Evil? Is a bit more complex. Still it's probably manifestly evil to consider her path to motherhood as one more women should be taking. That in the last few days/seconds before the bell rings on their fertility, women should be instructed and even encouraged to mate with the mostly studly looking young dude down at the local bar. (Or out of town bar here). That will naturally create plenty of problems & challenges going forward, no matter how 'birth-positive' or 'pro-natalist' anyone might imagine themselves to be as 'feminists'.
The biology is always pretty powerful here. Still, that studly fine looking dude may not represent the best prospects for either fatherhood or husband material. But overwhelmingly the choice of many women in their 20's is to play the 'mating game' with them, ('alphas' or not). Eventually most will learn all this. Some sooner than others, but often not before begetting a few kids from the process. All that 'wasted' time of years of forlorn fertility on the women's side is roughly seen in the equivalent 'wastage' on the guys side. Only for the lonely 'betas', their prospects for becoming a daddy do not improve with age. They're unlikely to be afforded the opportunity to impregnate some comely lovely co-ed simply for standing around in a college bar & looking as cute/rich/accomplished as possible. Not happening.
But Mary, dear heart, has just given some shred of remote hope for every 'cougar' out there looking for a chance to mate one last time. Or for the first time at an 'advanced age'. All those quaint considerations about real adult relationships & even marriage evidently don't even need to enter into the picture. It's all about living out your own fantasy. And extracting the seed in the most efficient & painless manner. The guys? Are mostly superfluous now, and this will be one of the textbook examples for a newer generation of that score I suspect. That may not be described as ‘evil’ but it’s surely pretty damn mercurial. Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'
In the 1st paragraph above that should now read: “But then badgering the poor bloke into something akin to an 'adult, responsible' relationship with the Mom?”
Sorry for any confusion. And no, it's never pretty to see anyone this deluded about human relationships being lauded as a new 'icon' for much of anything. But it's been done before in many other venues. I'm betting it's been a fun ride for the author, while it's as just as disheartening for the rest of us to witness. Cheers, 'VJ'
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Hi, AT, I agree about Mary's aggressiveness, coupled with her seeming inability to read normal social cues. She kept choosing losers, insisting they love her, and then bumming for years on end when they didn't. Not knowing when to quit was indeed her greatest failing, and it's the #1 problem I see with women. They romanticize, over-analyze and rationalize male behavior that clearly signals rejection.
Lisette, I too wondered what Mary meant by “high standards,” since she never seemed to maintain them. She refers to wanting someone she could count on, but none of these men were that. Did she reject other men who would have been far more reliable and emotionally available? Probably.
Your point about settling is important- Mary didn't want to settle, but in my view she settled in all the worst ways for her entire young life. Now she's 42 or so, and Matt finally has a job. He is still very attentive to their son, but she feels that she just doesn't have time or energy to date. She emphasizes that her son is what she needs most right now. I immediately worried that poor Dolan is going to have major issues around his mother that he'll need to work through in 20 years.
Also, good question for Omega Man. The problem with Game is that it is designed to secure the sexual attraction of the female. Then what? That's why I said it's built on a house of cards. How long does he need to spit game in the relationship? Forever, to keep her on her toes? He knows he attracted her by “negging” her, or putting her down. Does that mean embarking on a long-term project of eroding her self-esteem? And would she remain attracted to him if he let his defenses down, abandoned the tactics, and relaxed into being himself? I have witnessed one relationship up close where the guy was into the girl, won her with game, and then went into asshole mode whenever her interest seemed to flag. His tactics got more and more outrageous over time – it was necessary to sustain her attraction. Eventually she realized he had nothing to offer but conflict and rejection, but she spent a few months on the roller coaster. It's a perfect example of what not to do, which is what this post is about. Women need to know when to walk. They almost never walk away too soon. They usually hang around far too long.
Hi VJ, Happy New Year! Yup, exactly right. You touch on something I didn't mention – how politically correct Mary's story is. It has indeed been celebrated for its frankness, and she has been admired for her candor. Ridiculous! If this book and the surrounding accolades make her feel good about her choices, I suppose that's fine for her. But there really is an important lesson here for women 20 and up. Four crappy relationships that didn't work out “for some reason” and you're 40. And yes, by the time she got pregnant she was totally into cougar mode.
I also think it's interesting that she was impregnated by a low-status jobless male. When his parents learned of the situation they were actually delighted, but his father made the remark, “I sure hope the baby doesn't turn out like Matt.” !!!!!!! Here we see evolution being turned on its head.
this is a really good end of the year post, and it does made me feel a little angry at her behavoir. Couldn't any of her friends sit her down and tell her that she needed to chill?
And yeah, that kid is not going to be normal.
RE the game, yeah, im not sure its a bad thing, in its minor forms, which i take to simply be guys playing hard to get. When it gets bad is when they chip away at girls self esteem.
Hi, GFN, thanks for weighing in. I didn't specifically choose this topic for the end of the year, it just worked out that way. But I agree – if every woman resolved not to waste 2010 on an unworthy guy, that would be great!
Re her friends, they actually seemed to enable her nutty behavior throughout by mostly telling her what she wanted to hear. Also, when she got pregnant her therapist told her that some men would be MORE attracted to her once she was a single mother, that the baby would be a good marketing tool, essentially. That sounds ludicrous to me – what guy goes searching for a 40 year-old single mom with a deadbeat 30 year-old bio dad on the scene? Some very, very bad advice there.
This is was turned into a tv show right? With Jenna Elfman (I kind of adore her…Keeping the Faith – good movie).
I do know a lot of my friends sometimes stick in relationships longer than they should because the fantasy they've created seems real to them.
While I totally agree that in finding a fulfilling relationship and keeping it Mary has made TERRIBLE choices, but I do feel it is unfair to judge her if she deems all those choices ok because she got her baby boy. Maybe she doesn't want a relationship – maybe what her life was missing was a baby and now that she has it the fact that she could never sustain a healthy relationship is a moot point. I didn't read the book – so I probably make no sense…
Gosh, this took me on a trip down memory lane. I have 31 wrong choices and stories about how I did not walk away soon enough. I'll be reading this book. Women do jump in quickly to relationship bliss without first getting clear about their requirements, needs and wants…seems like we think it is easier to get into a guy and let the relationship succeed or wither with time instead of being intentional about who we are and who we choose to be with. I landed the one for me, but it took me realizing it was not the 31 men I had made a choice to be with, I was the repeated pattern in this trail of tears. I changed my mind and as soon as I did, I attracted the love of my life, married him and am in marital bliss. May this inspire women and men to make the right choices going forward. Heartache is unnecessary and pain is self inflicted when we choose to be where we are not supposed to be.
I am not aware that this book was turned into a show – it was just published last year. But the theme does sound perfect for TV. I hear what you're saying about Mary adoring her baby boy, and I am happy for her that she loves being a mother. But I honestly think that if you had portrayed two scenarios for her when she was 20:
1. You will have four disappointing relationships in which no one falls in love with you, but when you're 39 you will become pregnant by a boy toy with no ambition.
2. You will fall in love in your 20s and marry a man with whom you will be happy. You will have whatever number of planned pregnancies you desire.
Well, who would choose #1? That's not to say that we should wish Dolan was never born, but what a way to get a child! For the record, she desperately wants a loving relationship, which is why she probably made such poor choices, remaining hopeful when all hope was lost.
Hah – who doesn't want #2? Ah, the fact that she wants a desperately wants a relationship and continues to make the same mistake is unsettling.
Who names their kid Dolan? This woman makes one terrible mistake after the other.
Seriously, I hear so many ridiculous baby names – celebrities are the worst for this kind of thing, e.g. Dakota Breeze. Yuck!
Hey bunnydar, thanks for leaving a comment! I really appreciate your sharing your realization that you were not a victim in your own life, but were making bad choices. It's so great that when you learned that everything changed for you! Congrats – I'm so glad you found love with a great man. It is never too late for women to experience that reality check and make a change.
Susan,
At some point stupidity and self-delusion become evil. Society indulges women in their fantasies a lot more than men. Men- particularly marginal men- get reality checked pretty harshly on a regular basis. No one ever told this lady she was out of touch with reality, and *still* no one is. Being told your hopes are unrealistic hurts. Being told the person you want does not want you hurts. Women have to be realistic themselves, since no one will help them along with it.
Women, even nice women, are very self-centered. They tend to want something, and feel entitled to it. Men, if they want something, generally need to figure out *how* to get it. Women tend not to see meeting others' needs as a way to get their own needs met.
Men fall much faster than women. A man will know, very quickly, what kind of a relationship he wants with a woman, often at first sight, usually after the first conversation, always after the first date. Most men will not lie, but they will not volunteer the truth. If a man only wants to have sex with a woman, he will go out with her a few times, while at the same time pursuing other women, going out with them a few times, hopefully eventually having sex with several women simultaneously, dropping the less desirable ones and adding more desirable ones. By reducing his neediness and vulnerability, he makes himself more desirable to better and better women.
Basically if a man is relaxed and indifferent he doesn't care and only sees you as target practice. When does the “game” end? When he has sex with you, or realizes you won't have sex with him, or gets tired of you, or gets a better looking woman to have sex with him. Games end all the time, every day, no game lasts a long time. Because no one game means that much, even the championship. There is always another game. “The Game” never ends, it is eternal.
This woman's problem is she thought she was playing the “I want a husband and father for my children” game when she was actually playing the “I need some sperm” game.
Women almost always know what's up- when they want to. Women very rarely get fooled- when they don't want to be. Maybe women make the mistake of thinking men are like women, but I have trouble believing that.
“Walk away!!” I think perhaps as 2009 ended and 2010 began I can say that this is one lesson I actually learned. I walked away from the 26 year old douche bag, and the ex that keeps e-mailing every few months, just to keep his dick in the door. Walked away from him too.
Yay, good for you! It's hard to walk away, especially from a young cute guy, but you know we have your back! You've shed these unworthy guys, leaving space for someone new (and better) to show up.
The All-American Rejects have a song called Damn, Girl. And in the chorus they say:
“No girl, you can't see
When he's inside you know there's no room for me”
True story!
“Women tend not to see meeting others' needs as a way to get their own needs met.”
Bullshit. The reason women hang around with these losers too long is because they spend all their time meeting others needs and not assessing their own. That's a pretty well established behavioral model.
I think the problem with this woman is that she came off as too desperate. Desperation attracts a certain quality of man–the kind that's happy to screw you and move on. Once you decide that you can be perfectly happy all by yourself, desperation mode ends and quality men all of a sudden become attracted to you. Make it clear that you will be perfectly happy with them or without them, and all of a sudden they fall all over themselves trying to commit. Once you decide men are not necessary for you to be happy, there are no worries about “settling”, because you can quickly decide who the losers are and move on. This woman is still in desperation mode, and it clearly shows.
Well, Omega Man, evil is a very strong word. However, I do agree that women need to be realistic. Basically, it's Caveat Emptor, and every man for himself. Women do fool themselves all the time, but men frequently and happily aid and abet that process in order to get sex. The solution is for women to grill men at length before agreeing to a single date, but I think we all know what a buzzkill that would be. So many women go along to get along, and hope for the best. If they're smart, they will ask the hard questions before getting emotionally attached to a man who considers her nothing but a lay.
You say that men fall faster than women, and often know right out of the box what they want. That means that oftentimes a woman is dating a guy, feeling good about how things are developing, when in reality, she has no shot at a committed relationship. She is predestined to fail. A man who is not looking for anything serious should say so before having sex with a woman who he believes may want a relationship. A one-night stand is one thing, but dating several times implies some trust as a relationship develops.
I disagree that most men don't lie. Many men lie in order to get sex. Furthermore, there are lies of omission and lies of commission. Not volunteering the truth because it might curtail your own pleasure amounts to deceit. It is clearly taking advantage of another person's loss in order to maximize your own gain.
Your description of Game: never ending, always on to a new prospect, precludes the possibility of real and lasting commitments between men and women. Well, that pretty much sucks for women. Mary Pols chose several men in a row who shared your view. She was in fact, incredibly stupid, but in the end she harmed no one but herself. Only she can say whether she is happy now, if she got what she wanted.
Hi janipurr, thanks for commenting. First, it is true that Mary Pols gave off an air of desperation. But even worse, she was very aggressive in her desperation, making demands that these men love her, but not acting very lovable, as far as I could tell. Her aura appears almost toxic as one reads her memoir. Re not being needy as a way to get men to commit, that's a mixed bag. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. However, we all know that self-confidence and independence are attractive traits, so one is more likely to attract the opposite sex if one displays them.
I wanted to make one other point re women meeting others' needs. There is a vast amount of research that shows precisely the opposite of what Omega Man claims here. In fact, from the age of 2 or so, girls learn skills of nurturing, empathy and collaboration in their normal play with other girls. Essentially, they're programmed for it, and even “mean girls” show empathy for their victims. Girls reward each other for these behaviors, so we grow up getting our need for affirmation and validation met by meeting the social needs of others.
“Not knowing when to quit was indeed her greatest failing, and it's the #1 problem I see with women. They romanticize, over-analyze and rationalize male behavior that clearly signals rejection.”
I hardly think women have cornered the market on this.
We all make mistakes. If we're lucky, we learn from them.
True, but I fear that women are more prone to self-delusion, and it really does lead to disastrous choices. To add insult to injury, women enable each other by telling friends what they want to hear. We don't mean to lead friends in the wrong direction, we just love them and want to make them feel better. It's human nature, but it can be quite detrimental.
You all scorn Mary but what's the answer for the Marys of the world?
If it's not happening – no one is asking you out, so you try to take matters into your own hands, initiate relationships with men and are then deemed desperate. If you do nothing, continue with your life, work and hobbies and nothing happens – you are still alone – you do not magically get these quality men appearing to ask you out.
I feel Mary's life could have gone any one of four ways -
a) Be the aggressor – end up alone with one child
b) Be the aggressor – end up alone
c) wait to meet the right guy – end up alone
d) wait to meet the right guy – he miraculously appears.
And d) seemed unlikely to her so she took a).
what do you guys think?
Hi, Nat, good to see you again. Just to be clear, I think it's awesome when women take matters into their own hands. I encourage women to make moves, clearly indicate their interest, and take full advantage of random encounters as they go about living their lives.
Her biggest mistake was in sticking around and wasting years even after these guys repeatedly communicated lack of commitment or even interest. She was unlikely to meet the right guy when she spent half her 20s pining over the wrong guy, even while he was out of the country!
I've written about how to meet new guys. It takes work. You need to do it like it's your job if you're ready and your work or social life is not coughing up new prospects. It's not that different from conducting a job search, with lots of interviews, eventually hoping to find the right fit. Online dating can be key, though even there a strategy is required.
Finally, I have to say that Mary, like many women, was drawn to men who were commitment-phobic. She went for douchebags who lacked maturity. This is probably the biggest mistake women make: wasting their youth on bad boys. There are many good and decent men out there who want a real relationship. You may have to wade through a lot of jerks to find them, because they're not as aggressive, but they're definitely out there, and they're being ignored by women.
This is one of my new fav tv shows. I now can't wait to read the book!
Hi LAC! I've got to check out the show – it sounds good. I think I've missed it because it conflicts with Gossip Girl, haha. Let me know what you think of the book. It is well-written and compelling reading.
I think this blog is sadly judgmental of a woman who has been unlucky in love. Why do we always blame the victim?
Hi, Julie, thanks for leaving a comment. You ask a good question, and I am not unsympathetic to Ms. Pols' plight. It's all too common, as the new bestseller Marry Him, Why You Should Settle for Mr. Good Enough proves. There is a huge cohort of women in their 30s and 40s in this boat, and with their most fertile years behind them, finding a mate is going to be very difficult. My two most recent posts deal specifically with this if you'd like to check them out.
I don't blame Mary Pols, I blame the cads she spent years with. However, she is guilty of very common errors in judgment. She stuck around willingly, enduring poor treatment and indifference over periods of years. Meanwhile, there had to have been an abundance of men who were her equal in every way, but they never made it onto her radar screen. Why not? What was she attracted to? Bad boys, that's what. Every guy she mentions in the book is a douche.
Is she a victim? Yes. Of her own self-deception and myopic thinking.
Truth be told, I'm in that cohort of women. I'm fairly attractive. I've made some mistakes in choosing the wrong man – certainly, if they had been the right one I wouldn't still be single! I was told a couple of nights ago by a gay friend that I'm “aggressive” because I was talking, in a bar. Yes. I was talking in a bar. Somehow it had to be me being aggressive so he can justify why I'm still single. At any rate, I'm thinking of ditching that friendship. I don't want people around who criticize why I'm single to the point where their criticism is just out and out crazy. Sorry. I'm just highly annoyed with the double standard that exists out there when men are held to no standard at all anymore and it shows!
I really hear what you are saying here. There will, unfortunately, always be a double standard for women. Sexually, but also in terms of behavior and general demeanor.
I agree that you should not spend time with anyone who tries to analyze why you are still single. That is hardly a supportive friend. A supportive friend will give you straight-up advice without impugning your character or the essence of who you are.
Look I don't know if you're 31 or 49, and it makes a difference. I will tell you though, that at 53 if I became single and wanted a mate I would go about it like it's my job. Online dating and bars deserve a place in the rotation, but they're not enough. I would get out and pursue interests that would lead to my sustained interaction with other people. Whether it's running in a group, doing a Habitat build, a political campaign, whatever. Think about what you love doing. Then think about what kind of guys you like, and what they like doing. Figure out where they are. I love reading, so I would go to a bunch of readings at my local bookstore, which is fabulous. I might even spend some of my spare time browsing in bookstores. I also love the library, I love the smell of it, so I go all the time, and I see a lot of guys there.
Or maybe the kind of guys you like are really not to be found in NYC in large numbers, for example. You need to decide what's important to you. Penelope Trunk, a famous blogger (Brazen Careerist) moved from NYC to Madison, WI after a really bad divorce several years ago. She's about to marry: A FARMER. Seriously, and she's madly in love.
I hope you don't think I'm being patronizing here, I don't mean to be. I really believe that you have to decide what you want in a man, including character traits, and then you have to work it.
And stay away from anyone who pities you or highlights your faults. That shit is toxic!
But you'll be well served if you stop thinking of yourself as a victim, and decide to tackle this in an active way. At least, that's what I would do.
Just to set the record straight, Mary Pols is a fully functional adult who makes a great living as an excellent writer (check out her writing in Time Magazine), and has a six year old son who has a wonderful relationship with his fully present father. Is it so hard to accept that someone can make what seems to be an error in judgment and have it turn out to be the most positive pivotal point in her life? It is a pity that when you reviewed her book you did not take note of all the positive relationships she had in her life, and of the closeness of her family. The father of her child is not a “douche” but a man who rose to an unexpected challenge and made the best of it.
Read the book folks, it is more about the meaning of family than a tale of failed relationships.
Annie, thanks for leaving a comment. I don't disagree with anything you've said about Mary Pols. She is a great writer and her success is well-deserved. I'm sure she's a great mom as well, and it was clear from the start that Matt was going to be a very loving dad. I never said he was a douche, in fact, I believe he behaved better than 99% of men would have.
Ms. Pols intended for her story to be received as a heartwarming triumph of love conquering all, and things working out for the best in the end. That is the reception it got and the feminist press heaped praise on the book. However, as I wrote to Ms. Pols, when she published a memoir she opened herself to all reactions not only about the quality of her writing, but about her story as well. There are no guarantees, she took that risk and did quite nicely, thank you very much.
Mary Pols is a cautionary tale for young women. I'm sorry, but it's true, you cannot deny that. Lori Gottlieb's new book Marry Him, Julie Klausner's new book I Don't Love Your Band….there's a whole new genre, and it's being referred to in the press as “spinster lit.” It says a lot about the generation of women in their 30s and 40s, and the challenges they face when mating.
If they don't make good choices, but spend two decades with cads, they will find themselves with few options. Mary Pols got her beautiful boy child, but last I heard she had not found a partner.
I think if you are getting advice from a gay friend about your behavior in bars, you're looking in the wrong place for useful advice about meeting guys….