The Power You Gain When You Lay It On the Line

If you want more love

Why don’t you say so?

If you want more love

Why don’t you say so?

Just say so

John Mayer, Heartbreak Warfare

The irony of using John Mayer to give advice about relationships is not lost on me. Here’s the dialog that I imagine ensued when he really said those words to Jennifer Aniston a woman:

Her: I want more love.

JM: Sorry!

Her: Sorry?

JM: Sorry for not being sorry!

I can really get behind this lyric. (She was an idiot to get involved with him in the first place.)

If you want more love, say so. Say it to the object of your affection. Do it. Today.

“Wait up,” you say. “That’s needy, desperate, pathetic! That’s showing my hand all at once!”

Bear with me here. I’m going to explain why laying it on the line may be your most effective strategy for getting the person you want.

1. Rituals around mating have gotten very, very complicated.

In an era where physical intimacy comes first, people are confused about how to signal what they want. Whether you’re looking for something casual or a real relationship, it’s very difficult to identify people who want the same things you do. If you’re down to hook up, but that’s it, how do you avoid becoming embroiled in some drama where the other person develops feelings and starts calling you out for treating them poorly? If you want a relationship, how do you signal that as you’re making out with a cute new guy who’s definitely trying to get you back to his place?

• Negotiating terms up front is awkward, to say the least.
• Liquid courage is often relied upon heavily in these scenarios, which further serves to obscure intent.

2. The Principle of Least Interest is everyone’s favorite strategy.

Willard Waller, a sociologist at Columbia University, studied dating and family relations. He coined the term Principle of Least Interest in 1937: The generalization that, in any relationship, the person who cares least about maintaining it is in the best bargaining position.

This is a term that reflects the natural and unequal emotional investment in every relationship. It was not meant to be used as a dating strategy! The PLI is intuitively obvious. If I don’t care if you leave me, you have no power over me. If I’m dating you because there’s nothing better to do right now, then you’d better be careful with your emotional investment, because I won’t hesitate to trade up if I get the chance. The person who doesn’t care gets the upper hand.

The problem with the modern application of this concept is that everyone is pretending to be the least interested party.

How many women have had a guy they care about make a scene by screaming “I don’t give a fuck!” after some perceived slight?

How many men have been given the cold shoulder, or worse, watch a woman they care for flirt with other guys, because of something he did, even though he is clueless as to what his offense was?

More time is spent assuming an attitude of not caring than in building real connections. It’s gotten to the point where we may need a new term: the Principle of Zero Interest. Use it to get zero results.

3. Most of the e-mails I receive are some variation of the problem that one or both people don’t know what is going on in the relationship.

Certainly, the writer usually feels confused. Sometimes the “back and forth,” the “push/pull” is so longstanding, so extreme, that it’s hard to see how things could ever become clear. Both parties are completely stressed out after spending months not knowing where they stand, or what their relationship really means, if anything. Once a relationship gets to this point, it’s very difficult to clear the air. You’ve got to cut straight to the chase and see if you can move forward and build on what you’ve created so far, even if it’s a mess. Obviously, this is an enormous waste of everyone’s time and emotional energy.

How can laying it on the line strengthen your position?

We often make the mistake of thinking that confessing our interest or true feelings makes us vulnerable in the eyes of the other person, and we tend to equate that with being pathetic and weak. We feel like we’re begging because we don’t have any other options. But a person who can comfortably reveal vulnerability is a person with very high self-esteem.

What if you can acknowledge what you really feel for someone precisely because:

• You are strong and sure,
• You believe you are worthy of having your feelings reciprocated,
• You expect to be rewarded instead of punished,
• You are not ashamed of your ability to love and be loved,
• You are far more likely to receive an honest response if you’ve initiated an honest and open conversation.

1. State your position with calm certainty and take responsibility for your feelings.

Will you be rejected? Perhaps. But you will not be pitied. There is no shame in caring for someone, even if they don’t feel the same way about you. It’s part of the human condition, and every one of us experiences it. You know that you have a lot to offer, and you will move on to find someone else who is better suited to appreciate you.

2. Convey your security and confidence.

Everyone knows that the bad boys usually wind up getting the women they want. Why? Because they don’t take no for an answer. They are cocky and determined. They embrace the challenge, enjoying it every step of the way. Their infallible sense of deserving the best on offer is flattering and sexy. This works better for men than for women, because women are more likely to appreciate self-confidence as a trait when choosing a mate, while men are more strictly visual.

However, self-confidence is appealing to both sexes. It conveys that you know your own value and that you believe you have options. Your future happiness is not riding on this one encounter. You have expressed interest, but you have not relinquished power or control over your own life.

3. In executing this strategy:

DON’T tell the person they’re wrong or stupid for taking a pass.

“I’m glad I brought this up. It’s good to know where things stand.”

DON’T react with strong emotion.

“OK, that’s cool. No hard feelings.”

DO hold the person accountable for any deceit or manipulation.

“Really? I’m surprised to hear you say that. You’ve been sending some pretty mixed messages.”

DO let go after one conversation if the interest is not mutual.

“Allright, I’m sure I’ll see you around.”

Of course, if it works out, you hardly need my advice! I’ll close with a true story. A young woman was talking with me about her friendships with three different guys. At various times, all three of them have tried to move themselves out of the Friend Zone, and she has never felt attracted to any of them.

I. The first kept trying to touch her casually at a party one night, but the vibe was new/odd and she could tell he was nervous. When she walked outside for some air, he followed and lunged for her. She was completely taken aback.

I asked her if any part of her would like to kiss him. She said, “No, I was repulsed!”

II. The second suggested they hang out but acted moody and sulky all night. It was the only time they’d ever hung out alone, so she wondered what was up. He was not at all talkative, and it created an almost intolerable awkwardness. A few days later a friend of his approached her to tell her he was smitten, and was she interested? She was not. Having his friend wing for him after a pretty unsuccessful hang seemed totally out of whack. She wondered what he could be thinking.

When I asked her if she’d like to kiss him, she said, “I don’t even want to be alone with him again.”

III. The third said casually one night at a bar, “Hey, just so you know, I’m feeling it. I’m attracted to you.” She wasn’t expecting it at all, and blurted, “Uh, well, I love you. As a friend.” He replied, “It’s not our time. We’ll just wait a bit. We’ll have our time, you’ll see.” Now, this confident declaration did not make her swoon or jump into his arms. But.

I asked her if she wants to kiss him. And you know what she said? “Well, I don’t NOT want to kiss him.”

Do you see?

Related posts:

1. 10 Signs That Your Hookup is Falling For You
2. 5 Ways to Get More Control of Your Relationships
3. You Are Not a Fool, Even If You Fell For a Dickhead
4. Kelly Clarkson’s Next Single: I Do Not Hook Up
5. To Save Your Relationship, Try Doing Nothing

Tags: casual sex, heartbreak warfare, hooking up, lay it on the line, relationship advice, relationships, risk