“He doesn’t get a monopoly on the rent space in her head. He doesn’t get Park Place, and he doesn’t get Boardwalk. He gets one of those little purple properties next to Go.”
Sherry Argov, Why Men Love Bitches
Since I wrote about Game in a positive light last week here, I’ve heard from several women who would like to learn a female version to get the men they want. I’ve also received some emails from women concerned about how to resist Game when it’s being wielded by an unscrupulous man. These are both excellent questions.
Can women run Game on men?
No. No they can’t, sorry.
Women are more selective than men when it comes to mating. Because they [theoretically] risk pregnancy with each sexual encounter, they must choose carefully to give their unborn children the best possible genes on offer, from a man they believe they can depend on to co-parent. Men compete with one another for the right to have sex with the female of their choice. However, men are not too choosy, because their biological imperative is to inseminate as many women as they can. Men report that for them, the sexual attraction switch is a simple on or off, and it doesn’t take much to flip it into the ON position.
Game gives men a shot at improving their chances as they compete with one another for sex. It was derived from an understanding of evo psych, and honed by watching the responses of women to men in the field. The explicit goal of Game is to win the sexual attraction of the female. How it goes from there is up to the parties involved. In my opinion, a smart man will continue to apply whatever knowledge he has about female psychology to further his case for as long as he knows her.
The only things women need to win the sexual attraction of the male is a vagina and a willingness to share. That’s Game for women, right there. It’s probably not enough to support one blog, much less a whole industry. This leads us to the second question.
Once a woman has signaled sexual attraction, is she just a sitting duck? Does she cross her fingers (if not her legs) and hope that the desired man is not a predator?
Is there anything a woman can do to maximize her chances of getting a man into a committed relationship?
Yes. Yes, there is.
Raised on a steady diet of fairy tales, romantic comedies, chick lit, and women’s magazines, women are prone to being too accomodating in their dealings with men, to their own detriment. We fear that if we stand up for ourselves we will lack femininity and repel Prince Charming. We want to be his ready and waiting Dream Girl, and when we think we may have glimpsed him, joy wells up in us and all is right with the world.
Then we watch his back as he runs for the hills. If we’re especially unlucky, we may have to watch him proceed to newer, more alluring prey.
The best book for women ever written on this topic is Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov. I have read many, many self-help books for women, and most of them suck. I loathe The Rules, which is all about pretending to be something you’re not, and I have a love/hate relationship with He’s Just Not That Into You, which is all about coming to grips with not being something he wants. Women need real information, based on male psychology whenever possible. I believe Ms. Argov has done quite a good job of laying down some very effective advice.
Why did Sherry Argov write Bitches?
SA believes that women habitually make the mistake of being “too nice.” This often manifests itself as neediness and weakness, which equates to a lack of self-respect.
You cannot win a man’s affection without first earning his respect.
The attraction part? That’s easy. It’s the sticking around part that gets really, really difficult to pull off.
SA describes a woman with high self-esteem:
- She possesses a subtle strength, which comes from her ability to be independent.
- She does not give up what she values in her life.
- She knows what she wants, but will not compromise herself to get it.
- She uses her femininity to full advantage, but she plays fair.
- She does not indulge in romantic fantasy, but uses presence of mind to pull back when appropriate.
- She must give low priority to what other people think.
SA interviewed hundreds of men in writing the book, and the prevailing theme was that men want a “mental challenge.” They focused on wanting a woman who is independent rather than needy, and many mentioned liking women with a bit of an “edge.” Her book is laid out as a series of 100 Attraction Principles. Below is a sampling of the ones I found crucial in Chapter One.
AP #1: Anything a person chases in life runs away.
Men run away from a woman whose behavior suggests that she doesn’t place a high value on herself. When a woman deals a man her best card right away, he has gotten a reward without putting in any time or effort. Her best card may be sex, or it may be her going to ridiculous lengths to cook for him, etc. Do not outpace the interest of any man. If a man earns your affection, you may reward him for it and he will appreciate your acknowledgement of his effort more.
AP #3: A woman is perceived as offering a mental challenge to the degree that a man doesn’t feel he has a 100% hold on her.
It’s about whether you are capable of holding your own in a relationship. Do you expect respect? Does he know that you are not afraid to be without him? The nice girl doesn’t want to “play games,” and is available all the time. A bitch is more selective about her availability. A bitch DOES NOT DO BOOTY CALLS.
A woman who believes she is not enough does the following:
- She calls him often.
- She is on call for last minute plans.
- She states clearly that a relationship is her goal, and asks him about it early on.
- She is often mad and disappointed when he doesn’t pay enough attention to her.
- She asks him about his ex or other girls.
A woman who believes she is enough says “Take it or leave it.”
- She returns his calls when she’s free.
- She sees him when it is convenient, and does not sacrifice other plans, work or rest to see him.
- She wants to have fun, not make promises to a virtual stranger.
- She allows him enough distance to be curious as to where she is and what she’s up to.
- If he brings up his ex, she looks at her watch. She refuses to compete with other women.
AT #6: It is your attitude about yourself that a man will adopt.
When a man considers a woman a prize, looks have little to do with it. It’s because she believed she was a prize, and acted like it.
The first date is about looks. When he falls in love, it’s about your attitude. It’s how you hold yourself, and whether you can hold your own. The difficult part is not attracting his interest, but sustaining it.
When a woman gives 100% to “make it work,” a man feels, “She is really nice, but there just isn’t any chemistry.” In contrast, a bitch loves herself, so she could never want anyone who doesn’t want her. NEXT!
AT #9: The bitch prioritizes her dignity over having a relationship.
A man cannot need a needy woman. He cannot depend on a dependent woman. He cannot fear the loss of a woman who is afraid to lose him. These things are all mutually exclusive.
A bitch is polite but clear, and communicates very directly, in much the same way that men communicate with one another.
In summary, here are the 10 characteristics that define her:
- She maintains her independence at all times.
- She does not pursue him or keep tabs on him.
- She is mysterious. This means being honest without revealing everything. She does not lay all her cards on the table.
- She leaves him wanting. Men equate longing with love. Don’t be so available that he has no opportunity to experience longing.
- She doesn’t let him see her sweat. She speaks in a “bottom line” way.
- She remains in control of her time.
- She maintains a sense of humor, except about disrespect.
- She places a high value on herself, and doesn’t compete with other women.
- She is passionate about things other than him.
- She treats her body like a finely tuned machine. She maintains her fitness and health as a reflection of her self-respect.
This is good stuff, no? And that’s just Chapter One. You need to buy, beg, borrow or steal this book. (If you do decide to buy it, you can click on the Amazon image to the right = tres simple.) It’s not Game, but it’s a pretty nice blueprint for holding your own in a relationship. How “bitchy” you will need to be will vary somewhat depending on the kind of guy you’re with, and you should feel free to fine tune as necessary.