When Should You Agree to Sex? Guys Tell It Straight

February 16, 2010

In this era of sexual free-for-all, one of the most difficult things to figure out is the proper timing for having sex. For women, there are usually tradeoffs involved in diving between the sheets. Even if we decide to “have sex like a man,” it’s not possible, because the sexual double standard is alive and well, and pesky hormones wind up holding us hostage to feelings.

Here are a few of the more common cost/benefit analyses, some of which take place in a rather muddy fashion under the influence:

1. He’s hot, I’m horny, what the hell.

Hopping into this guy’s lap, you know that you are probably not going to enjoy a loving relationship complete with mutual respect. Still, you aren’t above hoping for Round 2 if all goes well. In general, though, all thinking here is done with the really little head.

2. He’s hot, I like him, what the hell.

You’re attracted to a guy, and you finally catch his attention, whoo hoo! He finds you sexually attractive, which is a great start, and makes his move. If you turn him down, you probably won’t get another chance. You take the bait in hopes that you can make it memorable, and that he will want to hook up with you again, hopefully regularly.

3. We’re hanging out, it’s a mutual crush, how long should I wait?

You have a nice thing going with a guy. You text back and forth, you meet up on the weekends. He holds your hand in front of his friends. You want to have sex, but you have no idea whether he would want a relationship or isn’t “looking for anything serious.” Asking him straight out would be a weird and awkward buzzkill.

4. We’re good friends, I’m feeling like I kinda want to see his penis, and he’s game. But what would it mean?

He’s a great guy, you get along really well. If you take this step, everything will change. But for better or worse?

5. I know I’m not cut out for casual sex. What are the odds that this particular boy will want to get serious with me, and be willing to wait for a while?

You know that most guys want sex, a lot. You also know that few guys will wait around for long without it, even if they like you. There are just too many women willing to go for the hookup. What do you do to hold onto my guy without compromising your need for a commitment?


There’s no one right answer to any of these dilemmas. Much depends on how you feel about sex, and what kind you like to have.

  • Do you care what other people think?
  • Are you in the same community, or can you avoid seeing him again if you wish to?
  • How has casual worked for you in the past?
  • Do you know that you want a relationship? Is this guy a possibility?

Women have a habit of analyzing (and over-analyzing) all of these questions, on our own and with friends. But we often feel completely baffled about how men feel on this issue. If a guy gets sex too early, will he rule us out as relationship material? If we make a guy wait, will he move on quickly? What is a reasonable waiting period with a guy you like?

I’ve found quite a few interesting opinions from men on this question, including from some of our own guy readers here at HUS. I’m not sure there’s one prevailing view, but think of it as a way of getting a peek into the minds of a bunch of different guys, at a variety of ages. It’s information, and it may just help you make better decisions.

Eric Charles at A New Mode, Does He Just Want Sex?

This in response to a woman who has been having sex and spending time with a guy for two months, but he won’t make it official.

No man is in a relationship “just” for sex. There’s some reason he chose you versus the other billions of women he could have chose on Earth. In other words, there’s at least one reason he chose you other than the fact that he can have sex with you. It’s useful to realize that there’s always more than one reason a man choose a woman, so the more useful question you could ask yourself is, “What are all the reasons he chose me over all the other women on Earth?” This is an empowering question because it puts your mind on all your high-points and what you bring to a relationship. If you ask yourself whether or not you’re being used for sex, it will immediately put you on the defensive and fill you with fears.

You’re choosing to focus on the title. I can tell you this, both from personal experience and from hearing from tons of other men: The best way to determine the woman to be with is to see how she reacts when you don’t give her what she wants. Testing is how we protect ourselves from long-term heartache and eventual heartbreak.

So my advice is to think about this like a test. Focus on having a high-quality relationship. Focus on making sure the relationship as a whole meets all of your expectations. Focus on being really clear on all the reasons he’s chosen you. Focus on bringing your best self to the table. And focus on testing things out as well. It’s important that you are clear on what really, truly matters to you. If this relationship does not deliver that, it’s better you know that now. But I believe that you’ll get this clarity not by sizing up the man, but sizing up the relationship.

John Ortved, blogger at Single-ish, Glamour, He’s Not Ready For A Relationship–Should I Still Sleep With Him?

This in response to a woman who was wondering whether she should ditch a guy who told her he was into her, but not looking for a relationship (post hookup).

The crux of the advice is that we’re almost always ready for a relationship with the right girl, but it can take us boys a little time to figure out that you are indeed that person, and it might be worth hanging around a while to figure out if that’s the case. I’m not saying that she should jump in the sack (again) with this guy, and give him so much milk that he never even has to think about even renting the cow, but at some point sex should come into the picture, because that’s part of getting to know someone with whom you want to build a relationship.

There’s also an argument that says that if the sex is good, and there is suddenly a dearth of that sex, the gears in his head might start moving quicker, and she’ll have her answer even sooner.

All that being said, she definitely should avoid a friends-with-benefits situation, which works for no one (unless the sex is really really good—in which case, God help her).

Ask A Dude, College Candy, Am I Wasting My Time?

This in response to a girl who had a brief convo the morning after with a guy.

He said ” I don’t want to put a title on things yet. I’m going to see hot girls, and you’re going to see hot guys.” I told him that we could just let things figure themselves out.

You are wasting your time. If he wanted you, it wouldn’t matter if there were other hot girls. Hell, it wouldn’t matter if Heidi Klum walked by. But I think deep down you know this. You can and will find someone better.

And another one, from a woman who asks: “How do I straddle this line between, frankly, being horny and still feeling special and not like a hook up?”

There is a big difference between being “too forward” (which men tend to find undeniably sexy) and being “too rushed.” If you’re the former (a confident, outgoing woman who is not afraid to make the first move), and a guy isn’t into you… then there is something wrong with him (not you). If it’s the latter (which it sounds like it might be), there is still time to turn things around.

The real question to ask is… what do you want right now? If you really want immediate sexual relief and the meeting of your needs… than stop psychoanalyzing what this guy thinks of you and get some (safely), with zero mental strings attached. But if you want to evolve into something more, then you might need to pull on the reigns (slightly), and try meeting in environments that won’t equate drunkenness or spooning. If you don’t want to feel like just another horny hook up, then stop being one.

Bobby Rio, at TSB Magazine, tackled a question left by a guy at Leftos:

This in response to a guy who has waited three weeks and is getting very impatient.

How you should handle it:

1. Rinse, Wash, Repeat.

Just keep going for it. Don’t talk about it. Just go for it. If she stops you, then stop. But if you continue fooling around, go for it again a little later on. Avoid talking about it. The more time you talk about it, the more she will mentally commit to holding out.

If you make her state “I’m not ready” then she’ll feel committed to waiting. However, if you just keep going for it without addressing it, you are likely to catch her at a moment of weakness where she is just too horny to resist.

2. Vaguely assure her you’re not sleeping with anyone else.

This is a fine line because part of holding the power in a relationship is letting the woman assume you’re seeing other people, which subconsciously makes her fight for your attention. And I usually advise never revealing too much information early on in a relationship.

But sometimes it is necessary to give a woman some sense of security. This is especially the case if she has reason to believe you’re a player who might be using her for sex. Don’t come right out and say “I’m not sleeping with anyone else.” Let her come to the conclusion through her own wits. This way it is implied and you’re not making her any promises for the future.

3. Freeze out.

A “freeze out” is when you get really cold with a girl. This means you get distant and stop answering her calls so quickly. Maybe you don’t text her back right away. You’re not as available to hang out. This will put the pressure on her to make the decision to sleep with you. If she senses that she may lose you, she will be more willing to use sex to keep you.

(Editor note: Soooooooo douchey!)

Last but not least, some words of wisdom from men who have commented on this issue here at HUS:

Dilithium:

On sex with nice guys:

Don’t command a performance that he can’t (yet) deliver.  Suppose you do indulge the urge to grab his crotch and say “All right, big boy, let’s give it a go!”  You might think of this as giving the ultimate compliment, fulfilling every young man’s dream; but the most likely result in your nice guy is panic. You might not realize that you’ve put him in a tough spot: as he sees it, he now has to deliver a performance that he has little or no experience giving. You’ll be better off if you don’t frame the situation in such a way that he’s giving a high-stakes command performance.  Make it absolutely clear that you’re not going to grade and criticize his every move, and that you welcome the spirit of whatever he wants to try. And try some stuff yourself! Nice guys, unlike alpha jocks, are usually very receptive to women taking the initiative.

On virginity and cads:

When you say “Now I’m looking forward to losing my virginity to someone I love,” I think you may be on a good path.  Think of the image of yourself holding a really fine bottle of wine, maybe with a case in reserve.  If you really appreciate wine, then you wouldn’t just serve it alongside a take-out cheeseburger, would you?


Hambydammit:

The single woman who rocks a man’s world in bed is MORE LIKELY to get into a relationship than the one who just lays there. Women who hook up and perform well are the ones guys go to for repeat performances. Repeat performances are what we call a “casual relationship.” Casual relationships sometimes lead to serious relationships.

Sex is the most effective and valuable currency with which women can buy long term relationships. As you say, there are consequences to both giving freely and holding back constantly. It doesn’t feel romantic to think about sex as currency, but it is, and the women who can get over the loss of magic fairy tale love generally have much more successful relationships.

Sexual compatibility is one of the things a guy is looking for BEFORE he will commit. Yes, it’s true that there’s a small group of guys who will wait several months to have sex, but it’s a small group.

The trick to it is being brave enough to keep things at arms length right now. Once or twice a week is enough, or she won’t be able to keep it “casual” for long. No hanging out everyday. It’s not wrong to give a man sex before getting a commitment. It is a bad idea to give a man *EVERYTHING* he’d get from a committed relationship without a commitment. So… say no to the bootie calls some of the time. Be busy more than you’re available. Don’t answer every time he calls. Meet him on his own ground until he wants to escalate. In the meantime, don’t keep all your eggs in one basket. See if there’s someone better out there, but don’t worry too much that you get to have orgasms while you look. That’s a good thing.

Passer By:

With today’s sexual permissiveness, if you find a woman who was very chaste, you stand a good chance of ending up in a sexless marriage with a woman with a very low sex drive. Sort of damned if you do and damned if you don’t, I guess.

Ex New Yorker:

The problem is working backwards, trying to get the relationship AFTER the hookup. That’s hard to do, particularly if the guy in question has cad-like tendencies. That’s not to say all hookups are bad. Not everyone wants a relationship, I imagine, but to look for a relationship via hookups is a recipe for being strung along by the many cads out there who have no compulsion against being jerks.

“Trust, but verify.” It requires some work and patience, but anything worthwhile takes some work. A guy pretending to offer signals of caring isn’t going to hang around for that long if he can’t get the quick sex. And frankly, shouldn’t the women be taking some time to figure the guy out, to learn about his friends and family, seeing how he acts with other people in his life and work?

VJ:

Sex is a natural expression of love, and has been since the dawn of time. Denying that essential part of humanity in yourself & others for perhaps decades at a time is bound to yes, warp your perspective of both sex, relationships, and relationships with the opposite sex.

Re meaningless, dead end sex with a cad:

Actions have their consequences. Even for the mindless fun stuff. So ‘keep banging him’ might be the recipe for near term fun, but long term greater disappointment. Bottom line? Is it worth the effort to waste your time like this? Is the sex that good & needed? Are there no vibrators to be had? Batteries?  The mind boggles. So Just Keep on banging the wrong guys. Yeah, that’s the ticket to success!

Vjatcheslav:

It doesn’t matter too much who starts the virtuous circle of awesome (and much) sex in exchange for emotional care and tenderness, as long it gets started. Probably it’s best to start with an emotional connection, both because of the greater risk the woman has by having sex and because sex seems to be much better when done with someone you care for.

Omega Man:

If you are a virgin, and insist on staying that way until marriage, a guy may also decide you are a poor risk as a long term relationship partner. Sex is pretty important and he will have no idea what a sexual relationship with you would be like until he is fully committed.

Novaseeker:

There will always be guys who will tell women what they want to hear and so something else later on (this is not new, really … cads have always existed). The difference today is that sex is front-loaded into relationships. It seems to me that the simple way to change that is for women to be less eager sexually early on in relationships until a relationship has been established which she is comfortable with. That seems like a much less risky approach than expecting men to be forthcoming, if in fact they are seeking sex for its own sake.

BSG:

From personal experience, if a guy shows interest in a relationship first, her attraction for him falls off a cliff. With the woman that I ended up marrying, I waited six months to call her my girlfriend. Eagerness to settle or commit can be a major turnoff for women. So long as he is honest about things, why complain?

notagentleman:

Saying the R-word only after two months makes you appear desperate. Wait four months more without even mentioning the “relationship” word. Take things easy. Have fun and try not to think about the future (or at least, try not to tell him anything about the future). Keep things casual, fun and nice.

There’s lots of excellent food for thought here, though no easy answers. I will say that the old “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” standard is out the window. If you respect yourself enough to make intelligent choices about who you share your body with, you won’t escape mistakes, but you should be OK. There never were any guarantees around sex and relationships, it’s always been high stakes one way or the other.

What do you think? Do you worry that having sex too soon will ruin things? Do you care? Guys, do you respect a woman for waiting? How long are you willing to hang in there?

  • Robin

    I always seem to be stumbling on something new in your blog! This is a wonderful look at it and the comments educational as well.

    I struggled with this when I met my guy recently – I liked him, had been in a sexless relationship for 3 years and was really jonesing for sex. I don't want a relationship now, but if I give it up too early does it kill the chance later?

    I took my honesty policy and went for it. I told him I wasn't looking for a relationship, but found him sexually attractive and made the 1st move for a hook up 1 week after meeting him. Ironically, our friendship has grown more than I would personally like it to have considering I was really just looking for a no strings attached boy toy. But this also gives me hope that I can have fun relationships with out sex messing things up. We talk almost every day, usually him initiating it, hang out in non sexual situations and he's helping me get off my procrastinating ass and get everything in line for school. So there's a great balance between the friendship and the hook up, which IMO bodes well if I decide in the future that I want a relationship out of it or if I decide to pull things back to a friendship.

    I think what it comes down to in the end is making the right choice when it comes to the man 🙂 I think so far mine was a good one – I'll let you know in a few months if it really turns out that way or not! LOL!

    • Robin, I think this sounds like a great situation so far! I often hear stories like this one – the woman says up front she is not looking for anything serious, and the relationship grows nicely, including real emotional intimacy. It makes me wonder if saying that up front frees a guy from the pressure that a girl is going to try and get him to commit. Of course, you never know until you try it, and it can obviously go the other way too. It's risky.

  • Nate

    What exactly is a cad/asshat? I have read this word many times on here. Is it a jerk/player?

  • This for me summarizes all rules of dating:
    Easy come, easy go.
    If you treat yourself like a commodity, or a product on the shelf, expect me to treat you the same way. I will view a dinner date as a transaction.
    If you want a committed loving LTR, then you need to hold back the goods. If you’re a whole package, I’ll assume the sex is good and not really worry if the first instance is not mind-blowing. People learn and sex isn’t rocket science.
    But sluts? Women who spend years getting played by idiots, and then want me to commit because they know a few things in the sack? You’ve got to be kidding: they’re the sexual equivalent of junk bonds.

    • Women who spend years getting played by idiots, and then want me to commit because they know a few things in the sack? You’ve got to be kidding: they’re the sexual equivalent of junk bonds.

      LOL, great expression!

  • David

    I don’t think I agree with you about the douchey comment re ‘freeze out’.

    Whether you are having sex or not, the idea is to be HAVING FUN and enjoying yourself and each other. So yeah, let the sexual tension build up, while enjoying each other’s good conversation etc, but if you stop having fun, it’s time to start moving on.

    What I suspect might be happening, which I think happens all too often these, is that the guy gives the girl far too much selfless attention (guys typically being a source of boundless energy), and she ends up losing respect for him (as well as him losing respect for himself). The guy needs to direct his attention else where, and allow her to ‘chase him’ for a bit. What’s important to remember here, is that it’s fun and satisfying also for the woman to treat the man.

    So sure, it’s fine to hold out the sex, but you’ve got to pay attention to the guy in other ways, reassure him of your respect for him. (can do things like massages, cooking him a meal, cute kisses on the cheek etc).

    • @David,
      Thanks for leaving a comment, I think that’s actually great advice.

  • Tom

    @ capo

    “Furthermore, if a girl is fast to hook up with guys and behaves similarly with me I will consider a relationship if other criteria are met. I will monitor for suspicious behavior much more, though. I won’t tolerate her keeping up with exes, having male friends, or even engaging in occasional girls nite outs, if we are supposed to be exclusive.”
    __________________-
    I agree to a point. After a while you may sense she REALLY is into you and has changed.. the parinoid behavior of checking up on her will subside with time.

  • Tom

    @ susan
    “Handsome? This is very subjective for women. Stop looking for George Clooney and start appreciating qualities like humor, brains, curiosity, honor, integrity, honesty, generosity. These are the things that make life with a partner rewarding.
    ____________________
    Great advice for both men and women. I have been with more physically attractive women than my SO, but never more attractive inside. I have a great combination in my gf. Pretty enough and full of life, humor intellect, honesty etc. Actually physically she is more attractive to me as time goes by.

    • @Tom
      Your SO is very lucky to have you. You appreciate her for her full heart and generous spirit. I give you enormous credit for valuing her without judging her, and I wish more men were able to do this. There would be many more happy couples.

  • A

    Why does it have to be the woman who slows things down? Just because I enjoy sex and am happy to have it early on does not mean I would immediately cheat if I enter a commited relationship or wouldnt want one. If men are capable of being promiscuous then settling down when they meet ‘the right girl’ can’t it be the same for woman?

    Argh, the double standards are confusing and make me angry.

    • @A
      The woman slows things down because she has the precious resource: eggs. This means she is biologically programmed to be very selective about who she has sex with, lest she get impregnated by a loser who will not assist with raising the offspring. The fact that we now have birth control, and are post Sexual Revolution makes absolutely no difference to biology. The male’s sperm is plentiful, and he wants to get it into as many women as he can and impregnate them. In this way, his genes dominate and are reproduced within the population.

      All of this means that men can have sex without bonding, duh. Women are much more likely to desire emotional intimacy with sex, and overwhelming prefer sex with a favored male. Your mileage may vary.

  • C

    I think there is a huge link missing in this discussion – and that is the chemical and emotional reaction that goes on in a women’s head after sex. It is biologically impossible for us to “be cool” after we do it. If we act like we are, than its either just an act, or we’ve turned that part of ourselves off somewhere along the way – which c’mon boys – you don’t want either!

    Is it really impossible to find a hot, smart, together guy who just likes a hot, smart, together girl enough for them to date , say “lets keep this thing exclusive so that we can do it guilt free”, and THEN rock each other’s worlds with mind blowing sex? I mean, fuck, is this really all that’s left? Is guilt-ridden sex followed by manipulation and falseness really the only route left for women to get a guy?

    I just turned 25 and have found a huge , sudden dearth of suitable men. My whole life I’ve been surrounded by attentive, sexy gentleman – and today the pickings are slim. I think it might be sadly true that good guys settle down early, and the leftovers are scumbags (and walking STDs). I would rather wait for the divorces 10 years from now.

    Just a word for the wise – if you start your relationship off with games, distrust, and self-denial – the likelihood that its going to be the rock-solid, life-altering, mind-blowing, orgasm-inducing relationship that you want and deserve – is pretty damn slim.

  • I tend to agree with the overall “evolutionary picture”, but I think there a few puzzle pieces missing from it that it might be beneficial to add.

    Yes, eggs and pregnancy time are limited while sperm is abundant and fast. And it’s true women like to select men (I didn’t say “a man”) who will bring them deer meet and berries. But, let me ask this- if it is good to have one man who brings you deer and berries… would it not be even better to have… TWO such men?

    Let’s take a cave woman named Lena. She has her “Primary” man, Og. Og is faithful and devoted just to her, exactly as all our scruffy hook-up guys in many of these articles are not. Og brings as much deer and berries as he can and is loyal only to her. But while he’s out hunting, Lena has a second man, Crom. Crom is so dark and handsome and roguish! They have sex on the bearskin rugs while Og is out. Of course Lena uses her whiles on both, and both think they are her favorite. Both bring her deer and berries. She has twice as much food if she’d just relied on one or the other.

    Women have a powerful advantage in our cave society- _they know their children are their children_. If the baby comes out of the woman’s body, genetically, she knows that 50% of that DNA is hers. She doesn’t have to worry about that. Og and Crom, however, have _some_ idea about each other, but what can they do about it? Kill the kids of their rival? Those kids COULD be theirs!

    This gets, deep in the heart of things, at the Cuckolded Man’s worst genetic fears. Lets say Og has blond hair, and Crom has dark hair. As Og grows old on his deathbed, he notices all his sons and daughters have dark black hair, like Crom. Deep in his heart he feels that his rival has bested him-and for the sake of our story, we will know he is right. He will go into the blackness with no heirs, his DNA wiped from the earth. How could he have been such a fool?! How could he have spent all that energy hunting deer and berries when this strumpet was secretly spreading her legs for that dark-haired Crom? And yet, can we objective observers really blame her for her slutty strategy? Her children ate twice as well since she played Og and Crom off each other.

    Maybe men can’t comprehend the desire women have for commitment- but I will come back and say just as much, WOMEN can’t comprehend the deep-seated genetic dread of living your entire life supporting offspring that aren’t even yours and dying with no heirs. Women CAN’T have that experience, so of course they wouldn’t innately relate to it. If children come out of their body, they have heirs.

    So what I am sort of hinting at here is that monogamy is as much a man’s invention as a woman’s, probably more. If Og were to say “Do you promise promise promise never to accept the DNA of one of my rivals?!”, does Lena remotely feel that same desperation? No. Her DNA is secure no matter how many men she sleeps with. She promises she won’t spread her legs for one of his rivals, but honestly all the incentives are there to do it, as long as she can keep it secret, maybe even if the secret comes out. (Twice the meat and berries, more men worrying they MIGHT be the father means more protection and less baby-cide.)

    So monogamy is the only thing even CLOSE to genetic insurance for males, and there’s always the deep-seated dread she’ll cheat and sleep around, because the incentives of doing so if she can get away with it all work in her favor. With the breakdown of monogamy into the hook-up culture, the idea that she will sleep around and there’s nothing we can do about it grows. So what, genetically, becomes the only remaining strategy for men? “Can’t win, don’t try.” SPRAY AND PRAY. “Put your sperm everywhere as fast and hard as you can, because let’s be honest, all the other guys are doing it, and what slut is going to settle down for me and ONLY me?” When the idea of monogamy becomes a joke, men simply can’t afford to buy into it… their DNA tells them they’ll end up spending their lives and fortunes raising the bastard children of the Bad Boys we all “know” women secretly like more.

    Of course as an enlightened society, with birth control and DNA tests, we can outgrow it. But like yous aid, our DNA doesn’t know that. And as we relax our social rules, it seems like we just melt into this lowest common denominator.

  • Jon

    I don’t think less of a woman if she sleeps with me quickly. If she’s known to be a “good girl” I even take it as a huge compliment.

    There is definitely a risk that I’ll loose interest if she waits too long, and I won’t consider a committed relationship unless we’re already having sex on a somewhat regular basis.

    If I get the impression that she wants to but won’t for some reason, then I take that as a warning sign that she has sexual hangups that some other guy can help her work through. Hooray for sexually liberated women! 🙂

    • @Jon

      Very interesting comment! So you don’t ever judge women for being slutty? May I ask how old you are? I’m trying to get a sense of the difference between college aged guys and post grad guys.

  • Jon

    I’m 36 years old.

    Judging women because they have sex for no reason other than that they want to seems counterproductive, and restricting sex to the context of a relationship or requiring some arbitrary waiting period takes a lot of the fun out of life.

    If I want to have a rich and fulfilling sex life, which belief is more useful?

    a) A woman who wants to go to bed with me quickly must be damaged, easy or a slut.

    b) A woman who wants to go to be with me quickly must find me attractive, interesting and arousing and clearly has excellent taste in men.

    I vote for b.

    • @Jon

      If I want to have a rich and fulfilling sex life, which belief is more useful?

      a) A woman who wants to go to bed with me quickly must be damaged, easy or a slut.

      b) A woman who wants to go to be with me quickly must find me attractive, interesting and arousing and clearly has excellent taste in men.

      I vote for b.

      If all men, or even most men felt that way, then the SMP would be very different. I did notice, though, that you set the goal as a rich and fulfilling sex life. What about a rich and fulfilling, emotionally intimate relationship with a partner?

  • Jon

    I’m not sure what “SMP” means, so I hope it being different is a good thing…

    I find that I don’t need to make finding an emotionally intimate relationship a goal since most available women I meet have that as their goal. If we’re both primarily looking for emotional fulfillment then there is a very real danger that we’ll spend all of our time cuddled up on the couch watching The Notebook and eating ice cream and while our need for physical intimacy goes unmet. 😉

    If a relationship is going to be equitable, both parties should be getting their needs met. In the process of meeting a woman’s emotional needs, I can find fulfillment also, and I would hope that meeting my physical needs is enjoyable for the woman too.

    You might be familiar with the phrase “Men look for sex and find love. Women look for love and find sex.” Some people think that sucks, but I don’t see a problem with it. The differing priorities make sure that both needs are addressed, and it implies that both genders have needs that they would tend to neglect without the other.

    • @Jon

      Thanks for responding. I like that phrase, I think it’s accurate. You sound like a catch!

  • Jon

    Never mind about the “SMP” thing. I just noticed the glossary.

  • casey

    man this is disgusting. maybe i’m old fashioned but i was taught that sex should be an expression of love. you dont love a person after three hours lol. i dont think you have to wait till marriage, but at least wait for an actual relationship! ive had many men try to have sex with me within hours or days of meeting me and its just a turn off. i dont have to have sex with a man to “keep him interested” as some people suggest. if thats all hes interested in, he can gladly gtfo and stop wasting my time.

    women and men are both despicable these days. women complain that men are jerks and a-holes and so on, yet women ALLOW guys to treat them this way. girls are dancing on table tops with their tatas out and wondering why they get no respect. men objectify women on a daily basis, offer them no romance, no chivalry, and they get all shocked when the woman cheats on them, doesn’t respect them, or hold them in high esteem. a guy a went on ONE DATE with (and did not have sex with) actually texted me at 8 am saying “woke up hard. wish u were here to blow me” wtf?!

    seriously a dude complained about not having sex for 3 WEEKS?!? this mentality honestly makes me just wanna curl up in a ball and never date anyone again. I’m 23 and I feel most of the men around my age I meet are filthy and disrespectful.

  • Kelly

    Thanks for that Casey, you are so spot on. I am also 23 and sick of the expectation that I have to put out to keep a guy’s interest. In my opinion I am smart, attractive, successful and fun. I think I’m worth being exclusive with and I want a guy who thinks so too. Nothing to do with trying to trap a guy into a relationship, I just know I’m not cut out for casual sex. I don’t get the whole “we need to be having sex consistently before I’ll commit”. I don’t think we are talking about marriage here so what is the big deal about offering your partner and yourself some respect and security and giving it a chance. Sex is much better under those circumstances anyway.

  • knobetter

    As a 60-yo man who has been married three times, had a dozen relationships and many dozen hookups (I came of age during the Summer of Love), I am both amused and appalled at the double standards. While I am merely disgusted, but unsurprised, at the responses of the men, most of whom intimate that they are getting it a lot but don’t think women should, I am shocked at the women who seem to think these guys’ attitudes are reasonable. Obviously, the need to marry is so important to your construct of self fulfillment that you’ll buy into the double standard for the sake of peace. Neville Chamberlain would be proud of you.

    I’ll merely say that trading your hopes, dreams, and intellectual and ethical integrity to land a man is short sighted. Happiness is not a white picket fence, but the joy of either painting it or watching it rot with someone who fits with who you are. You’re not going to find that if you don’t know who you are, or try to fit someone else’s idea.

  • Smoore

    As a 23-year-old guy in college who is still a virgin by commitment, I can say that if a girl tried to have sex with me I would leave her. There are a few of us guys out there who still want to wait til marriage to come together. Personally, I wish there were a few girls out there like that. I wish women today had the decency and self-respect to turn down a man who wants to sleep with her. I can guarantee that you will never be able to trust a man completely if he has slept with someone other than you. Exceptions being he was married and his wife cheated on him or he was married and his wife died.

    In the process, the waiting isn’t fun. Knowing you’re the odd man out is frustrating because you don’t know. But knowing that you’ll have the best marriage out of all of your friends because you’re the only one who is that committed to his wife makes it all worth it.

    • I can guarantee that you will never be able to trust a man completely if he has slept with someone other than you.

      You’re wrong in my case. What will you give me?

      But knowing that you’ll have the best marriage out of all of your friends because you’re the only one who is that committed to his wife makes it all worth it.

      Whether you have a better marriage than your friends will have little to do with virginity. Didn’t you see the comment of the man who married a virgin and from the start she wondered what sex with other men would be like? She cheated on him and they divorced.

  • Eden

    Oh god, this article and the comments are unbelievable! While people here are out fucking their 20s (and maybe 30s) away on meaningless, directionless, relationless hook-ups, I’ve been doing the real work of adulthood. Married straight out of college to the only serious boyfriend I ever had (and vice versa), both virgins when we got married (yeah, we’re religious), now have five great kids. We’ve been married eleven years (I’m 33), and guess what? We figured out the sex: oral, anal, bjs, vibrators, orgasms all around. Neither of us have emotional crap from past exes, STDs, regrets, etc. Who the heck says “I need to have sex with you to see if we’re compatible before I commit?” Someone who wants sex and doesn’t want to commit. My husband isn’t perfect, but then neither am I. We work at our relationship, we don’t second-guess or pine about what could have been if we had only fucked around with other people when we could have. We’re busy raising up the next generation to keep our sorry-ass civilization going…and you know how we’re doing that? By not buying into all this crap, by passing down our values to our children (yeah, we homeschool), and by generally calling out our culture’s shit for what it is. So go muck around in the pig-sty some more until you figure out through trial and error what the world’s major religions figured out a long time ago. And incidentally, it’s obvious which gender gets screwed over the most–by far–in our sexual free-for-all culture (talk about a devaluing of “currency”).

  • Eden

    So, I just reread my first post and realized that it was basically a self-righteous rant…so let me say that I stand by everything I just said, but yeah, I could have said it a bit milder.

  • Morgasm

    “When Should You Agree to Sex? Guys Tell It Straight”

    This title makes it sound like its always the guy who initiates or proposes sex first. That couldn’t be further from the truth.

  • Eden

    *more mildly.

  • Man

    Guys, do you respect a woman for waiting?

    I fully endorse comment #1 by “Il Capo” which basically means that the less “virgin” she is, the less I will be willing to wait.

  • Melanie

    At least 20 of my extended relatives and cousins all waited until they were married to have sex…both were virgins on the wedding night. They are all still married 15 years later and very happy and the few I’m close enough to have spoken to, say they have great sex lives. Interesting anyway…(there’s a lot of stereotypes about waiting and sexual compatibility) but I’ve seen first-hand that it works

  • Eve’s child

    I got into a relationship at 17, we were both virgins and had sex after 6months of dating. After a year he cheated and experimented with other girls. I waited and after two years (I had no interest in other guys and was okay for him to experiment because I wanted to be chosen by someone who knows what is “out there” and of course I was helplessly in love with him) we got back together. He treated me like I was worthless and called me a slut etc (I was a virgin when I met him and he was the only guy I have ever been with…at the time). Long story short,after 3years of some happiness and more abuse, I left him and waited 3years to date again. I found that the whole dating world had gone bonkers and sex was on demand. I was naturally scared. I dated quite a lot because I ran from guys who wanted sex till I found a guy who just wanted to know me. After a month, I just wanted to be with him all the way. We had amazing time together and my look on relationships simply changed. I realised that he didn’t meet my needs. I will be left horny every time whiles I did everything he wanted in bed. He also became distant (intimate wise) but we hang out all the time and he even took me to meet his family (they lived in another country). Things just never progressed after and he moved back home and I moved to s different country. We are still close and I visit him.

    Am 26 now, and I have had 3 sexual partners all together. It’s been a while since I had sex and I just want to have sex with a guy who will be exclusive casual with me(I only date during the summer so I can focus on my studies without the drama of relationships). I met this guy (I’ll call him Mr. Right now) who tried to have sex with me on our first date. I turned him down, but not too much because I fancy the pants off him. The problem is, I have never even kissed on a first date prior to this guy and I don’t want him to think I am a slut etc because I kissed him but I want to sleep with him on the second date (the only reason I didn’t on the first was because i was scared and didn’t want him to think I was a slut).

    Is there any advise for someone like me? Like a way forward? I get an awful lot of dates and currently, I have a date with another guy in couple of days because Mr. Right now seemed to have taken a step back and I don’t want to be a girl that waits around for a guy. To what extend is it okay to be honest with yourself and take what you want? If the date with the other guys goes well I may replace Mr. Right now.

    I don’t want to be 30 and sexually frustrated borderline desperate, I also don’t want to be a “hand me down” to my future partner. What do I do? Am currently not interested in LTR because I am inbetween countries (I have been for the past 8years and long distance relationships have not worked out too well). I should be settled in one country (am British, but currently living in a Scandinavian Country. I date when come home for the summer) by 2014/15. Any advice.

    It’s pretty long so thanks for reading and the comments.

  • EM

    Here’s my take on this, and generally this & other similar websites. Its my opinion and I’ll give you my reasons in a moment. In one sense, its good, when it happens, to have serious discussion & sharing on relationship topics & advice, sexuality, intimacy. Having open, and mature discussion is usually beneficial. However, talking hookups, casual sex, humping & dumping, cheapens all of us. Yes, I know it happens. It happens often, and its becoming exponentially more common every few years. But does that make it ‘right’? Just because its happening doesn’t mean we should condone it.

    I sound like the morality police; believe it or not, I do not judge people here. I just express how all of this and what I see & hear & read make me feel. It makes me sad for young people who view relationships like this.

    Why? Perhaps because I’m a hypocrite. I’m 43. When I was growing up in the 80s, a plenty decadent decade, I was promiscous, had lots of casual hookups, jumped around from one woman to another, and so on & so forth. As a decent-looking man who has had his share of sexual experiences & escapades, I can tell you I’m not in the least more happier or content with life because of it. Promiscuity & sexual ‘easiness’ in men & women is not something to be proud of. Its damaging to you emotionally even if you don’t realize it. I see it in many of my friends, peers, and you can see it in the celebrities. Really how many people are genuinely content in their relationships?

    Its not that I want to sit here & shake my finger at everyone or condemn anyone. I cannot, because I have done the same thing. Its precisely because of my experience, though, that I encourage people to remain celibate until they are in a serious, committed relationship that is long term and healthy for them emotionally & psychologically. Most surveys & common sense tell you that people who have had just a few/handful of serious relationships tend be be much happier & content than those who have slept around or been more sexually active/promiscous. They have more self-respect.

    I realize that I may be dismissed here, yet I feel compelled to say something b/c I truly wish I had exercised better self-control & discipline when I was younger. I would have felt better about myself and would have been a person of better charachter. We influence each other and perhaps its a self-fulfilling prophecy how we keep promoting the hookup culture how it propagates itself.