Reader Steve wrote recently to request a post written specifically for the guys – What do women find sexy?
I’ve been thinking about it for a week or so, and the answer is not complicated. Women are sexually attracted to men who exhibit social dominance. What’s very complicated is the implementation of that objective. Many men have trouble knowing how to go about getting social dominance.
- How can I be confident with women if I don’t have a lot of experience with them?
- How can I compete with the guys who seem to naturally dominate a group like they were born to it?
- Does being socially dominant mean turning into an asshole?
Telling a guy to become socially dominant is not helpful. Mystery provided a lot of instructional material when he wrote the Mystery Method, but it’s outdated and has other limitations:
1. It was written for picking up women in bars and clubs, and it focused on short-term success, i.e. getting beautiful women into bed. There are many men who would like to meet a quality woman for a long-term relationship, and for them it’s beneficial to focus on Day Game and women who are not “hired guns.”
2. Mystery is a magician, and he perfected openers and routines using magic and card tricks. Today there’s nothing more pathetic than a guy in a bar whipping out a deck of cards or offering to read your palm.
3. MM also requires a lot of time in the field, a lot of resources, and a lot of practice getting rejected. It can be extremely effective, but let’s face it, most guys are not going to undertake a program of sarging in bars every night for months to pull off the kind of transformation that Neil Struass did.
I’d been thinking this over and trying to come up with concrete, useful information to share with guys, but nothing was really getting cemented in my brain. Yesterday, I was flying home to Boston when I noticed that the TV screen in front of me was tuned to the Food Network. I know the cooking shows are wildly popular, but I haven’t ever watched any of them. There was an OK looking guy, nothing special, talking to the camera and assembling ingredients on a counter. Meh. He put some tuna steaks on a grill to sear, then picked up an onion in one hand and a chef’s knife in the other. He proceeded to dice that onion into perfect little squares in about 15 seconds. The knife flew so fast it was almost a blur. He then did the same thing with a bunch of celery. Then a cucumber. I was riveted.
This guy, Bobby Flay, was masterful. I know that there’s nothing special about dicing vegetables quickly. It’s basic training for cooks. But there was something about his body language, the way he held and wielded his tools, that was really hot. I put on my earphones and watched the rest of the show – God, he was sexy.
Next up was this clown:
The minute I saw this head I knew he could never be sexy. I can’t even tell you how not my type this guy is. I watched him handle lamb loin chops with his catcher’s mitt hands. Then I watched him mix up a vinaigrette. Nuthin. Finally, he gently folded dough over caramelized pears to make a strudel. He lovingly tucked the ends under with those fat, beefy fingers.
It doesn’t matter what a guy looks like. Guy Fieri is proof of that. It doesn’t matter what he does for a living or in his spare time. What matters can be summed up in two words:
In that order. This is what you need to be socially dominant. There are a million ways to accomplish this. It does not matter what you are interested in. What matters is that you absolutely love it. And that you are very, very good at it (or working to get very good at it). Once you have this in place, you must display and share your expertise to achieve dominance. Mystery wrote about this as Demonstrating Higher Value than other men. You’re probably thinking “Give me a break, these guys are natural performers, they were super confident to begin with!” That may be true. What’s important is that their confidence (and their comfort) comes directly from their skill.
When I was in grad school, my roommate and I decided to throw a rager in the spring of our first year. We distributed about 200 invitations that said “Wicked. Party. Come.” There was one guy who everyone knew was really into music – kind of like John Cusack in High Fidelity. He’d worked in the record industry, and he offered to help make a mix. He invited me over one night to choose some songs, and as I entered his room I saw about 40 linear feet of LPs. In modern day terms, that would be a couple of thousand CDs. I don’t know what his filing system was, but as we discussed possible choices, he went straight to each album and pulled it out. He really, really knew music. I distinctly remember thinking how HOT that was. He was suddenly so much hotter than he was in Econ! He knew it too – he was really on top of his game that night, and he pounced, haha. (Reader, I married him.)
Did you know that pregnant women often get crushes on their male OBs? And that mothers of newborns find male pediatricians adorable? It’s a cliche that every university has some old goat professor who has a way of seducing students. And female patients often crush on their male therapists (contrary to popular belief, this is not transference).
Women find it intoxicating when a man derives authority through mastery. However, just being an expert is not enough. If you’re amazing at World of Warcraft, but the only people who know it are other guys online, it really isn’t going to help you get chicks. You must find a way to display your skill, a way to strut your stuff in front of women. Again, it doesn’t matter what you love to do, what matters is that you find a way to share what you know.
Some interests are easier to display than others. If you’re into fly fishing, that’s a cool thing to talk about on a date, but you’ll have to find a woman who loves the outdoors to demonstrate your expertise. Still, your passion and mastery can be communicated in conversation, and you can present authority that way.
Anything can be sexy. I’ve personally observed men achieve social dominance via the following interests:
- collecting Mission-style antiques/junk
- dog love
- U.S. Presidents
- political activism
- brewing own beer
- playing guitar (Duh, you can get away with this even if you’re broke as a joke.)
Of course, not everyone will be equally enchanted by the brew you haul out of your bedroom closet. Which brings me to the last crucial ingredient:
You need to identify and meet like-minded people. Once you have figured out what you like, and worked on getting good at it, you need to find people who like the same thing. OK, fly fishing might be tough. So join the Appalachian Mountain Club and go on some group hikes. A woman who loves the outdoors will probably be thrilled to fantasize about standing in a cold Montana river as you show her how to bounce the fly on top of the water.
If you can meet women who share your interests, you can also benefit from social proof as they witness the respect you command from others in that particular community.
This bears repeating: It does not matter what you are interested in! A poetry slam, acting in community theater, old books, quarks, jazz, hoops. If you can find a way to include a woman in your interest, you will earn serious cred by virtue of your expertise.
Passion. Mastery. Display. Compatibility.
It sounds like a lot, I know. But the truth is, women respond to social dominance, not specific subject matter. If you can find a way to share what makes you tick, you will exude confidence, and you will get laid, er, I mean, female attention.