Six Things That Make a Woman Bad in Bed

July 23, 2010

Dear Susan,

I am writing because I’ve been totally humiliated and I don’t know what to do. I recently found out my boyfriend had cheated on me, and I broke up with him for it. He actually claimed to want to stay together and work it out, and he acted genuinely sorry. I considered trying to make it work, but in the end I knew I could never feel the same way about him again. When I told him, he got really angry and he wound up saying that I was a “shitty lay.” I was devastated, because I always thought the sex was really good. He always said it was, and he sure acted like it was. I was a virgin when I met him, so obviously I didn’t have any techniques or anything.

After he said that, I was crushed, and confided it to a good friend, figuring she would reassure me that guys just use that as a parting shot when they’re pissed off. I was shocked when she told me that he had been complaining about my being “bad in bed” for the past year. I guess it was something he often said to his friends, and he had pulled her aside last summer and said the same thing. She tried to question him about what he meant, what was so bad, but he just said, “She just doesn’t do it for me. Her actions don’t turn me on. She sucks at sex.”

I am so embarrassed. I can hardly look at his friends. I also feel super awkward with my girlfriends. I thought I had this great relationship, and I had this being said about me. I know I just have to get over it. My real question for you is how do I know if I’m good in bed or not? What is so hard about it? I don’t want this to happen again, what should I do? I’m so ashamed.


Dear Anonymous,

Before I get to the practical advice part, I just want to say that is a terrible story. I’m so sorry that you have been humiliated in this way. Obviously, this guy behaved in a way that showed he had zero respect for your feelings. He sounds like a total jerk in general, and you’re well rid of him. The most important thing for you to learn from this experience is not that you lack sexual skills, but that you had a long-term relationship with someone who must have shown his true colors before now. I encourage you to go to the Best Posts page and read all the posts you can find on identifying men of good character. The most important thing is that you don’t repeat this experience, and part of that will depend on the men you choose.

OK, now to the question of what men find hot in bed. Obviously, I don’t have any real information about what your sex life looked like. There are two possibilities here. The first is that he has an unrealistic view of what to expect during sex. If he has either watched a lot of porn or had a large number of sexual partners (especially promiscuous ones), then he likely has expectations that are unrealistic about what good relationship sex looks like. That has nothing to do with you, so it’s not something you need to address. The second possibility is that due to inexperience, or perhaps a lack of communication during sex, you failed to do something that he wanted or expected. He bears equal responsibility for that, by the way.

I’ve always maintained that what a woman needs to be good at sex are Focus, Enthusiasm and Boldness. What can I say, they’ve always worked for me. However, my experience is too limited to allow me to speak with authority on this matter. I’ve done some research, and found, perhaps unsurprisingly, that this is a very popular topic on forums and blogs.

Here’s what men say are the most common mistakes that women make in bed. They are in the relative order of importance, based on how frequently they’re mentioned:

1. Passivity

Men refer to women who just “lie there” as Dead Fish, Dead Lay and Corpse. It’s not true that men just want an orifice and nothing else. Men want and need to know that the woman is really into having sex specifically with them.

“Show some enthusiasm. We want you to be as into it as we are. It makes us want to try new things and figure you out a bit.”

“The most boring thing a woman can do is not move. It’s even worse if she is totally silent.”

“Gyration is the ticket.”

“They call it bump, so bump.”

“There’s nothing worse than a chick that just lies there…might as well be doing it with a pillow.”

“Not moving her hips would pretty much kill it.”

“When she doesn’t touch you, but lets you do whatever.”

“Not giving feedback. Make some noise, something.”

You’ve got to meet a man halfway during sex. Participate.

2. Insecurity

Men lose desire for women who have no confidence in their physical attributes or sexual appeal.

“I hate it when a chick doesn’t want me to look at her body. Whether it’s turning out the lights or avoiding morning sex, my attraction for a girl takes a dive when she does that.”

“When she doesn’t trust her instincts. Some girls flop around like manatees, have all these crazy moves, think they are being so hot, but they’re a mess. It has to be real.”

“Unless it’s her first time, I hate when a girl acts all nervous or scared.”

“Any kind of worrying about their appearance. Some girls start worrying about what’s happening with their makeup. Gross.”

“A woman should learn to receive compliments. When I compliment a girl, and she contradicts it, I know the sex won’t be any good. If I tell you that you have a hot body, just smile like you know it’s true. Don’t go telling me I’m wrong!”

Feeling secure during sex has a lot to do with trust. This is one of the reasons that casual sex is very awkward and unnatural for many women.

3. Lack of creativity

Men have a strong preference for sexual variety. This is most easily met by having sex with different women. If you want a man to be monogamous, you need to find ways to keep things fresh and interesting.

“The sex is scripted – it’s the same thing each time. I’m not going to do this for the rest of my life.”

“I hate when a woman gets lazy in a relationship. It gets to be 10 minutes instead of 2 hours. It’s boring. Why bother?”

“Only wanting missionary.”

“Doggie style is always appreciated.” 😉

“It’s best when sex engages all five senses: touch, smell, taste, sound and vision.”

“Men are very visual. Give us something to look at. Woman on top is good for this.”

“Try something new and pay close attention to how I react. I’ll let you know if I like being touched a certain way.”

“Just do the unexpected. Men love surprises during sex.”

“Take a chance. Try something new. To be honest, if it hurts a little bit that gets me going.”

“Finding a new place to have sex always kick starts things.”

Approach sex with a desire to discover new things, and be receptive to your partner’s suggestions. If he asks for something that isn’t harmful, try it.

4. Making your needs subservient to his.

Men want women who 1) love sex 2) with them.

“Your own pleasure is the key – orgasm or bust. That’s really hot.”

“We get off on your enjoyment. Look us in the eye and tell us exactly what’s good.”

“Flip the script and get dominant. When a woman climbs on top of me and pins my wrists down that’s super hot.”

“Whatever you do, don’t fake an orgasm. It makes us both a loser.”

“I want a woman to go after what she needs.”

“I know that every woman is different. Yeah, I know where the clit is, but not how a particular woman wants me to touch it. You’ve got to say what you want. “

Let biology prevail here. The human may be the only female mammal capable of having an orgasm. Don’t waste that.

5. Lack of oral sex.

No explanation needed. It’s an important part of the repertoire for almost every guy.

“The hummer test is crucial.”

“If she won’t swallow it’s a turnoff.”


“Any kind of scraping sensation.”

“A good BJ includes more than a mouth. At least one hand.”

“If she likes giving head, or makes me believe she likes it with me, I’m psyched.”

“Don’t forget to give some attention to the boys.”

6. Rudeness

Rude or inconsiderate women will be that way during sex, so it’s caveat emptor here as far as I’m concerned. Here are examples of behaviors that are understandably off-putting from either sex.

“When she has any awareness whatsoever of her phone.”

“Texting or taking a call.”

“Not caring if I finish or not.”

“Getting oral and not reciprocating. If you won’t do it, you shouldn’t be getting it either.”

“When she acts distracted, like her mind is obviously elsewhere.”

“Bringing up something during sex that has nothing to do with sex.”

“Criticizing in a way that is not constructive.”

“Comparing me to any other guy, or referring to other sexual experiences.”

Anon, there’s lots of good stuff here. Most of the feedback from guys has to do with attitude, not any specific sexual skill. In fact, one guy actually said:

Whatever you do, don’t try the latest tip from Cosmo on touching my back door, or pulling on my balls. If you do some weird thing with your tongue, I’m also going to wonder what the hell you’ve been up to.

Guys can’t have it both ways. If you’re a virgin, you’re not a porn star, and vice versa. If you can be confident and generous in bed, you’ll learn what you need to know with a loving partner. That’s as much as any guy should hope for. A guy who demands more than that is not a keeper. But you’ve already learned that.



Girls: Is this a source of worry? Do you feel pressured to have amazing technique?

Guys: Do you have anything to add?

  • Robin

    I think you touched on this a in a couple of the tips, but I’ve always found communication is key. So long as there is communication things are fine… But men need to remember their own tips. Nothing turns me on more during than if I can elicit verbal reactions from my partner. Doesn’t matter if it’s a groan, hitch in breathing, ect – I hate when men are silent grunting beasts LOL!

    But unless a guy likes it, you gotta remember to keep it honest not pornish!

  • 1-5 are somethings that always have resonated with me and it never hit me until about a month back how #6 has messed with me before. One thing I consider rude is not kissing. I had a girl just recently actually that roomed with a friend from school. When it came to get down to the business, she said she didn’t like kissing on the lips. It kinda set me back, but I’m naked at this point so I saw the job must be finished. 4 hours later and I couldn’t go. She tried to diss me to her friend saying it took me forever and I was a bad lay, but I told mi amigo straight up. Hookers don’t kiss. Prostitutes don’t kiss. Pornstars don’t kiss. You know why? Cause a kiss is a connection and they have so many man in a week they don’t want to make that physical AND emotional connection. I can’t have a good romp with a girl who can’t put her lips to mine. Like hookers and prostitutes I wonder who that chick has been with and how many that she can’t kiss. Like wtf? Plus she didn’t give oral so it is an absolute decline downhill with that girl and I. So yeah under rudeness I consider adding not kissing as something undesirable

    • No question! Not kissing? I’ve heard from women before that guys aren’t into kissing during a random hookup. Perhaps they don’t want to pretend they’re in any way invested and give the girl the wrong impression? I’ve written before that this may come from porn. I’m quite surprised a woman would take this approach tho. Definitely implies an unsavory past. Hope you wrapped it up.

      • Too much porn.

      • Bob

        “I’ve heard from women before that guys aren’t into kissing during a random hookup.”

        You don’t kiss a whore.

        • I don’t think that view is exactly shared by the majority of men hooking up. Nearly every hookup starts with a makeout session.

    • verie44

      My question is: were you interested in a long-term relationship with this girl, or in more than just an extended hookup? If yes, it’s understandable that you’d want that kissing connection. If no, why do you feel the need to have that connection?

      • This would not even be an extended hook-up. This was a one night stand and we both knew it. Like I said before, hookers, prostitutes, and porn stars don’t kiss. You don’t kiss I have all rights to assume you are one of the three. Plus she gave no oral. Kissing during sex is the difference between having sex and having intercourse. One is between two people one is a clinica P in the V. That was P in the V sex. Completely no fun at all.

        • verie44

          So if it’s just a physical act, you’re both getting off & you don’t care about the other person really — why do you need the connection? It’s selfish if you think about it, if you’re encouraging that sort of bond with a normal girl when you have no intentions of seeing her for a long period of time. It sounds like this girl gave you exactly what you give other one-night stands.

        • “So if it’s just a physical act, you’re both getting off & you don’t care about the other person really — why do you need the connection?”

          Like I said before, I’m not sure what is confusing about it, and I’ll say again. Hookers, Prostitutes, and Porn stars don’t kiss. Maybe I implied it but I’ll state it explicitly. I don’t ever and have no desire to have sex with a Hooker, Prostitute or a Porn star. I’m a giving dude. Even if this is a one night stand, why would you want it to suck? If you don’t think kissing is involved in great sex then we are clearly on different wave lengths. Having no kissing is a clinical, boring, unsatisfying version of the old “in out”.

          “It’s selfish if you think about it, if you’re encouraging that sort of bond with a normal girl when you have no intentions of seeing her for a long period of time.”

          I don’t feel it is selfish at all to want to create a connection. We are creating a connection for that night. If she is woman enough to want to have a one night stand then have a proper one night stand. But, she wanted to demean herself to a hole. I can’t have sex with that.

          “It sounds like this girl gave you exactly what you give other one-night stands.”

          Really? You haven’t looked at any of my posts then. To give the equivalent I would have to stay in missionary, pump to orgasm, and roll off to the side and go to sleep. I wouldn’t really get girls if I acted that way don’t ya think? Every girl a man has sex with is an emotional connection. You have to feel something to have sex with a girl. The difference is we can have that feeling for one night.

        • It’s unfortunate when women get hurt after a one-night stand, or when they feel used. But this is not the fault of the man. A woman who goes into it knowing exactly what’s up has no reason to cry foul later. Women must take responsibility for their own emotional health. Many guys enjoy some intimacy in a casual encounter – they will spoon, want to sleep entwined, even do two hours of pillow talk in the morning. Women often make the mistake of thinking the guy finds them special, when in reality no commitment or expectations have been exchanged. If a woman wants or needs to know what to expect from a sexual encounter, it’s up to her to make the effort to understand how men think, and then to specifically ask the man she hooks up with.
          I don’t think you did anything wrong here. I think she sounds wacked. If a woman is having sex but avoids the intimacy of kissing, I don’t know why she just wouldn’t go the AAA battery route.

        • verie44

          I haven’t looked at your other posts. It’s good you don’t, but a lot of one-night stand guys do exactly what you said: missionary, pump to orgasm, then roll over & fall asleep. I guarantee that’s what she was expecting — shitty sex and really only wanted to get off.
          “If she is woman enough to want to have a one night stand then have a proper one night stand. But, she wanted to demean herself to a hole. I can’t have sex with that.”
          Why not? You’re pretending at the connection anyway — it’s not real — the person is a stranger. And she might have a definition of a one-night stand that is exactly that: a hole and a penis that results in each of you having a technical orgasm with no feelings involved. It sounds like she’s deliberately protecting her feelings, and I definitely don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. You were upset because it doesn’t fit with your definition of a one-night stand. But you don’t know her well enough to know what you’re getting beforehand. I mean, if you want a guaranteed amazing kissing connection every time, don’t have one-night stands, or at least don’t complain about it when the other person isn’t on your wavelength.

        • I guarantee that’s what she was expecting — shitty sex and really only wanted to get off.

          This doesn’t make sense. If she expected shitty sex, why would she even proceed? Shitty sex of the jackhammer variety followed by snoring is less fun than riding the NYC subway during a hot summer evening rush hour.
          Furthermore, shitty sex won’t get her off. That’s why it’s shitty.
          My own guess is that she wanted purely technical sex, preferably of the Cirque du Soleil variety, and she wanted to be in control. It was a poor match for Esca, who undoubtedly will run for the hills the next time a hookup refuses to kiss.

        • The Deuce

          Isn’t this whole thing a little bit like when women get upset after a 1-night stand because the guy didn’t commit? Even though she’s not a hooker or porn star, being in a one-night stand means she has exactly the same incentive not to kiss that they do. It’s casual sex. Caveat emptor.

          escarondito said that it makes him wonder how many guys she’s been with, but shouldn’t her willingness to engage in a 1-nighter have made him think about that already, if it was a problem for him? That seems like a bizarre concern to have for a 1-night partner.

        • Everything you say here makes a lot of sense. Here’s the thing: Esca is really a sheep in wolves’ clothing. Even in his one-night stands, he’s a sweetie pie and he wants to cuddle and connect. He’s happy to move along the next day, but he doesn’t want encounters that reek of emotional distance and the perhaps unfortunate truth that they’re just using each other. Because, let’s face it, casual sex is a masturbatory act. Nothing else is really possible with a stranger – any emotional display must be false.
          Esca needs to be in a LTR. That is his true nature. Not all of his hookups will be this disturbing to him, but it’s evidence he should note. He’s very young – 22 or so, I think. And he is most definitely not a man who wants to have sex with zero kissing.
          Sounds like she turned the tables on him and it freaked him out – for four hours. 🙂

        • verie44

          Okay, semantics again. Shitty sex = my definition of shitty (ie, no connection). Susan, you basically said what I said, that she was after a technical orgasm. And the Deuce said the same thing — why is that kissing connection important for a one-night stand?

        • I want casual sex to be like phenomenal meaningful sex. I can’t have it both ways I guess.

        • I don’t know. I think it’s a powerful instinctive behavior. Speaking biologically, it serves the purpose of testing DNA compatibility. I think it takes a lot to separate kissing from sex.

        • Bob

          “Furthermore, shitty sex won’t get her off. That’s why it’s shitty.”

          Gynocentricity, good start. Now throw in some shaming language and I win the pot…….

          “It was a poor match for Esca, who undoubtedly will run for the hills the next time a hookup refuses to kiss.”

          YES! Two points!

        • Isn’t gynocentricity (which I assume means caring only about your own orgasm?) a prerequisite for casual sex? Casual sex is one step up the ladder from the Fleshlight/Rabbit alternative. It’s masturbation with a second pulse in the room.
          Where is the shaming language? I totally support Esca in this complaint about his hookup’s failure to kiss. If I were Esca, I’d run for the hills if a hookup got just weird and unenjoyable like this one did.

        • 4 hours lol. I’m not a quitter. It was a challenge in my eyes.

        • whoah

          new to blog: I agree with Verie…she was protecting herself and just looking to get off, sometimes casual sex with a stranger can be hot, sometimes it can be blah, or just plain bad. Sex doesn’t have to be “emotional” to be good. The no-kissing rule girl was perfectly and safely within her rights. As Esc said earlier, he wanted his cake and to eat it too….good for her, lame on you.

        • I’m struggling to understand how I am being consistently looked at as lame on this issue.

          She wanted to lay there and be pumped, either she was nervous or that’s all she wanted but still, wtf is that?

          Maybe I should clarify. In my type of passionate sex there is kissing. I want a one-night stand to be full passionate sex.

          Her idea of a one-night stand is to lay there, let me do my thing, and be done with it. Uhhh?

          Still don’t get how I’m the lame? Cause she gina tricked me into a bad lay? Well, clap, clap, bravo for her then. Cause the way she pulled every other girl in the club away from me earlier in the night, I expected her to take out some jealous aggression all night long.

  • Aldonza

    I think this article forgot about people who just innately crave sensual things. The actively and enthusiastically enjoy giving and receiving pleasure. They usually love to cook, eat, be physically affectionate, wear sensuous clothing, listen to good music regularly, bask in the atmosphere of any lovely place and just *absorb* good things. Show me somebody who’s eyes roll back into their head when they dip fresh lobster into melted butter, bring it to their mouth and not care that the butter is dripping down their chin while they chew, eyes closed in gustatory ecstasy, and I’ll show you a good lover.
    My advice is to learn what pleasure feels like in and out of bed. Seek it out. Wear silk to bed, even if you’re alone. Rub scented lotions into your skin just to enjoy the wafting fragrance on your own body later. Eat good foods that bring you pleasure (as opposed to junk foods that do nothing for your body or soul.) Bring music into your life at least once a day.
    Further, to the OP, my guess is that being a virgin, you didn’t realize that *he* was likely the bad lover in the equation and he was projecting his own feelings of inadequacy on you. Even if you weren’t that “good”, you have inexperience as an excuse and you can still learn, but he’s still an asshat.

    • I think this is a good point. Most of us do far too little exploring our own appreciation of the sensual. I’ve always found sharing food sensual, but I have to say the image of the lover with butter on his chin and his eyes rolled back doesn’t do it for me LOL!

      • Aldonza

        OK, maybe not the butter on *some* chins…Darcy on food

        • I’d give a limb to make his eyes roll back in his head.

  • Robin

    I don’t think it was the ending shots that were the bad part – People say things in a break up that the other doesn’t want to hear and vice versa. What the truly horrid thing was that he went around telling mutual friends for a year that the sex was bad!
    If the sex isn’t great at the start there are two options IMO.
    1) Communicate better. You don’t have to have a sit down and say “Hun, I don’t like how we are doing in the bedroom. You do this that and the other wrong.” But you can give gentle tips during sex either verbal or non verbal. If movement is the issue a non verbal would be to guide the movements and show appreciation through verbal cues. If your comfortable with verbal, “Babe – It turns me on so much when you _____” I’ve used both and the sex has always gotten better.
    2) If the above doesn’t work or you don’t want to go through the hassle, then get out!

    • Honestly, just appreciative sounds when something feels right gets a lot across. Conversely, if something actually hurts, one can be tactful and say, “Ah, a little softer?” And making suggestions, as you say, or even proposing new things to try keeps things moving in the right direction.
      If you hate the way a person is doing something, you’re a fool to keep it to yourself. Over time it will just annoy the hell out of you. I know this from personal experience. Yikes. I hope he’s better all these years later.

  • Passer_By

    In answer to the general question, genuine and uninhibited enthusiasm will usually get you 90% of the way there. And that means enthusiasm for your own pleasure as well. The rest is just details to be worked out.

  • Vincent Ignatius

    Wow, she must have been really bad. I’ve had 3 virgins, and they were all decent in bad after a little bit of training. My hypothesis is that it can be explained by comfort. She probably never got quite comfortable with him and so the sex suffered. I’m not sure how to fix that without knowing more about her personal life. I would advise her to watch porn and pick up some technique from there, but don’t imitate the dirty talk and don’t watch post 2000 porn; it’s too violent. Watch 80s and 90s porn for good technique that won’t leave you gagging and won’t have the guy thinking that you’re a paid professional.

    Also, I don’t think he acted that bad. He was genuinely sorry and had an emotional outburt after she shot him down. Who knows how harsh her shooting down was? It sounds like they’re both pretty young too. I’m sorry. He definitely feels bad about hurting you.

    • Passer_By

      “Also, I don’t think he acted that bad. He was genuinely sorry and had an emotional outburt after she shot him down.”

      Well, it sounds like long before all that he was complaining about the sex with her to anyone and everyone who would listen (and probably even to some people who would have preferred not to have to listen). That’s pretty shitty. That would be akin to some gal telling all of her and her boyfriends’ acquaintances that her boyfriend has a small dick or some performance issue. Some things should just stay private between two people.

      • Exactly. And let’s not forget that she shot him down because he destroyed the trust in their relationship. Trust that, as it turns out, was not well founded.

    • Fascinating reply Vincent. I would never advise a woman to imitate porn stars. For starters that would mean going for “Anal DP” about 75% of the time. (Unfortunately, I’ve never seen porn from the 80s and 90s so can’t judge but I doubt it’s a good source for a young woman with little experience.) I will make one exception. For the best place to learn how to give good oral, check out gay porn. Just saying.
      You don’t think he acted that bad? I don’t think his calling her a shitty lay was the problem. The problem was that he’d been broadcasting that over beers for over a year. That meant that he never gave a shit, and also that he had no qualms about publicly humiliating her (not to mention causing her market value to drop for any guy listening).
      And this:
      I’m sorry. He definitely feels bad about hurting you.
      I think a shrink would find this interesting. It’s pretty clear who you identify with here.

      • Vincent Ignatius

        Porn from that era is a lot more like real sex. Porn now is something between sex and boxing. It really is very different. Take it from a man who has seen a ton of porn. They actively try to make the girls cry in a lot of the mainstream videos now. I don’t even want to know what they show in fetish videos. A culture that has spawned efukt has some serious sexual problems.

        But back to the issue. How close was this group of friends? He may have told one or two friends and one of those idiots blabbed his mouth to others. By the time he told her friend, it may have spread already. And I’m willing to bet he did it in hopes that she would take the hint to pull his girlfriend aside and maybe give her some pointers that he was afraid to give her himself. Can you tell I have some experience in the undergrad gossip game?
        Also, It’s not like girls aren’t sharing all sorts of informating that men would prefer they kept private. From what I know of girls, you’re much worse than we are about sharing sexual details.

        • I’m willing to bet he did it in hopes that she would take the hint to pull his girlfriend aside and maybe give her some pointers that he was afraid to give her himself.

          That’s a good point, I hadn’t considered it. It doesn’t let him off the hook, but it’s better than ridiculing her gratuitously. I did wonder whether the friend considered telling her. I don’t know what I would do in that case. I think I would have not mentioned it, if they seemed happy. I once had a dear friend’s fiance hit on me two weeks before the wedding, and I wrestled with whether to tell her. I didn’t, in fact I was a bridesmaid. They’ve been married a very long time, and have four kids. I have no idea if he cheats on her, but I didn’t want the responsibility of breaking them up.

  • Challenge

    One technique I’ve learned that helps virgins get better in bed: hold hands during sex.

    Every time it feels good for her – squeeze harder. By the time she comes, it should be a vice grip. Every time he gets closer, he squeezes harder back. It’s immediate tactile feedback, it’s hot while fostering intimacy, and doesn’t require awkward moans or squeaks if you’re not comfortable enough for that yet.

    Hell, many women freeze up, stop moving, and don’t make a sound for 30 seconds before they explode – guys who don’t know any better assume they did something wrong and stop there, frustrating both of them to no end.

    • Challenge, that’s a really awesome idea. I’ve never heard of it, but I’m going to try it. (Now… where’s me a virgin?)

      Seriously, Susan, I think you’ve pretty much hit all the most important points. The thing to remember, I think, is that every man is different. So it’s not about learning techniques. It’s about being attentive, focused, aware, and bold… as you’ve said. However, there’s one important (very, very important) technique that every woman should learn, and I’m a little surprised you didn’t mention it.


      Plain and simple, every woman could benefit from doing kegel exercises. When I go through my list of the best lovers I’ve had, the top 5 were all kegel masters. Sex with a woman who — pardon me — might as well be a silicone sleeve is pretty boring. Women who can vary the way they feel are much more interesting. (Not to mention, mastering kegels intensifies orgasms for the woman and makes them easier to have.)

      So I know you were listing things women do wrong in bed, but honestly, I consider not doing kegels to be bad in bed.

      • Good suggestion. I will never forget (in fact, referred to it recently, haha) the story you told about this. You had one partner that you said ruined you for all other women for a couple of years. She had such excellent control of her muscles that she could make you come while the both of you lay still. THAT is incredible. Talk about an endorsement for Kegels!

    • That is GREAT advice! I really, really like that. Challenge, welcome, thanks for leaving a comment. You know, women love hand holding in general. We really do. It is one of the ways we discern whether a guy wants us for more than sex. (Hand holders tend to be mushier than guys who tuck their fingers into the back of your waistband, for example.)
      Combining this reassuring and affectionate gesture with sexual pleasure could really make a huge difference to an inexperienced woman, I think. It’s also very generous that you take time and energy to make her comfortable and reassured.
      As for the freezing up just before orgasm, yup. We don’t even breathe in that moment.

      • I am a virgin. If and when, I may have to try this, haha. That sounds like a great tip.

        • Teleprompter, it’s so good to hear from you! Thanks for stopping by. If I recall correctly, you’re quite young – still in college? Don’t say IF. Say WHEN. Focus on the girls that are sitting out the whole hookup scene – they’re out there. And yes, I think this kind of behavior during sex cements the emotional connection, the support for your partner that is so important, especially when they are inexperienced. Two people who are equally inexperienced will figure it out just fine!

        • Yes, I am about halfway through college right now. Things are currently on the up and up on that front, actually. I will let you know how things go. I have done a lot in the last year socially, and I’m feeling much better currently, even if what is going on now with a good friend of mine doesn’t quite work.

          Ever since I started doing acting and improv, I have felt just so much more confidence in who I am and in my ability to express myself. People say if you learn how to act in a different way, you’ll change who you are, but I disagree. I believe that only by learning to act in a way that overcomes your insecurities, defensiveness, and anxiety can you accurately convey the person you really are. I’ve felt rather that when I was closing myself off from people, I was already acting differently, but rather not in an accurate way!

        • I’ve done a great deal of acting, and I agree with you. Acting doesn’t change who you are. Through learning to act and portray a wide variety of characters, you learn a great deal about your true nature. It’s also just a great experience learning to get up in front of other people and give a performance. It’s an incredibly generous act on the part of the actor. An improv is so freaking scary – honestly, if you can do that, can make yourself that vulnerable, you’re in great shape.
          BTW, I was already married when I started acting, but it was a veritable minefield for romantic drama among the singles. Stay with it.

  • If he has either watched a lot of porn or had a large number of sexual partners (especially promiscuous ones), then he likely has expectations that are unrealistic about what good relationship sex looks like.

    Probably the latter. In an environment that favors short-term sexual relationships, men will gravitate towards girls that are open to the latter. That means girls who are chaste and sexually inexperienced will fall by the wayside. I have a post in this vein that would be of interest to Hooking Up Smart readers:

    I like Vincent’s advice, to which I would add – don’t lie about your sex life to impress drunk douchebags at house parties.

    • Whoa, Ferdinand, that post is wild. What on earth? I’ve never heard of that before, but I can believe it. What a sad state of affairs when a virgin pretends to be a slut to impress a guy. I do know of some virgins who have claimed they’ve had a partner or two, just to prevent guys from freaking out. (In this era of sports for women, bleeding the first time isn’t a given by any means.)
      By the way, you raised another important point in that post – grooming and hygiene. I didn’t come across it when I was searching, but it goes without saying that it’s important, particularly if a woman hopes for oral. Everything I hear from guys tells me that they absolutely do not want the full bush – certainly not while they’re single or in their 20s. Some women rebel against this on principle, but I think that’s stupid. Women who understand and respect male preferences are going to have a larger number of potential mates to choose from.

  • “Flip the script and get dominant. When a woman climbs on top of me and pins my wrists down that’s super hot.”

    Just one man’s opinion, but this seems like standard advice to women and a pretty standard movie scene, but it doesn’t do anything for me. Maybe if the guy is submissive? What I would say is if you try this note how powerful his orgasm is when trying something new, don’t ask him if he liked it. We always like it, but that doesn’t mean the latest Cosmo advice was what we liked.

    The only way I would find that scenario really hot would be if it was in the context of her initiating sex (vs her saying “I’m taking over” after both already know sex is a given). He’s on the couch reading the paper or watching football, whatever, and she hops on top and gets everything started. But I still think a dominant guy will want to take the reins at some point in the process.

    I didn’t really get the “bounce” thing. Maybe it was lost in the translation. Seems to me if she can bounce around he’s not taking much control. Or is this a lowrider car fetish? I think the key thing for several of the items boils down to knowing that she is in to it. Best case she is into it and waking up the neighbors. But if it is “cheat proof” sex then maybe lovingly rub his back, caress his hair, whisper in his ear, etc. The advice on not faking it was good, too.

    Lastly, I think it was Stalin who said “Quantity has a quality all its own!”

    • Heh. The simple truth is that initiating sex is generally a good idea for women. Maybe it gets to be an issue later in the relationship, but once it’s been established that sex is part of the routine, changing the routine by initiating (especially at a different time than normal) will usually work.

  • Being inexperienced myself…I will file this all away for future reference. Having many male friends though I definitely agree that from everything I’ve heard BJs are a must. And since so many girls think it’s icky and are horribly unenthusiastic about the idea they’ve mentioned it. A lot.

  • VJ

    Again, one of those areas where marriage actually make the entire equation a whole lot simpler. It often becomes reduced to the simple ‘presence or absence’ model. 0’s & 1’s. The programing is thus rendered much more straight-forward. This said, I like the enthusiasm bit as I do the enjoyment one too. Plenty of this is basic biology, and we forget this at our peril. We can certainly ‘over think’ the problem too on occasion. We bring back by popular request the advice of ‘Herm & Dolly:’

    ‘So Herm you were recalling to someone that I was a bad lay?!’ Yep Doll, it was not that as much as you just sorta just laid there. Not much was happening. Sure Herm, then the kids started coming and I had to learn to move, quick! Or it just was not going to happen. Sure as shootin’ Doll Face, I was right there with you when we broke the 4min mile! We was really moving then. ‘And you were getting it more often then, right Herm? Sure enough, and with enough practice everyone was getting better at almost everything. Well until you had to slow up to premeditate there you old codger! Well, the old machinery just ain’t what it used to be. Well we’ve got more time now to give it more consideration I guess. Now what do you want to try next, Herm? How about one of those ‘love chairs’ Dolly? But that’s yet another carpentry project you’ll never quite get around to! Let’s just pull up a dining chair here and… It’s not the same?! Well it’s right here, right now old man, so come & get it while it’s still hot!!

    This has been the further semi-fictionalized lives of ‘Herm & Dolly’. Cheers, ‘VJ’

    • ExNewYorker

      Morning sex.
      I know that some women may feel that the just woken up look is the best on them, but trust me, just have a quick brush of teeth, and go for it.
      Now granted, because of jobs, etc, it can’t happen every day, but it’s a good way to get your guy in a good mood for the rest of the day…

      • ExNewYorker

        Oops: that should have been “the just woken up look in NOT the best on them”. Though truth be told, there’s a certain elemental aspect to it that makes it quite attractive to some of us guys…

        • Guys do seem to love morning sex. Sunday morning sex is the best of all. I agree with you about bed hair. If it’s messy but not sticking out in some weird way, it’s sexy.

    • HAHAHA! I love Herm and Dolly. We’ll consider this Episode 2. Keep em comin’!

  • Kurt

    It’s nice if the girl is on top and stares into the guy’s eyes for part of the time. Also, the lights should stay on. How can anyone see what’s going on at night if the lights are off?

    • Good point – eye contact! This is super intense. One woman asked me if it meant anything that her FWB suddenly wanted a lot more eye contact. Unbroken through sex in fact, and also afterwards. I don’t know, but I’d say that indicates that something is going on in his brain. That much eye contact would kind of freak me out!

      • Kurt

        It is also nice if a girl uses her hands while they are doing it. For example, if they are doing is missionary, she could grab the guy’s butt, hug him, or touch his face or chest or something.

        • Ah, face touching is good. It’s very personal. Stroking or cupping someone’s cheek is very intimate, and that would be super powerful during sex. Hey Kurt, I think you’ve got it goin’ on!

  • VJ

    Other old codger thoughts: No p0rn After 1970. This is a limiting condition, but once you see the variety out there, you’ll never regret the suggestion. And you’ll both go to bed happier, with smiles & peals of laughter too. Guaranteed. The costuming alone is enough to cause belly aches from this.

    Other things heard from ‘old wives’: ‘How come your happy pills all wear out by the time I get here?’

    This is the only reply:

    Cheers, ‘VJ’

  • rick

    You only get one chance to give it up the first time. It is sad to see young women give their virtue away for free to men whose character is unknown and untested.

    A piece of advice to the original writer:

    Don’t give it up unless you think the guy is a good candidate for marriage. It will take longer than a few dates to determine this.

    • It will take longer than a few dates to determine this.

      It certainly will. Excellent advice. A quality guy will actually appreciate waiting. Plus is ramps up the sexual tension something fierce.

  • Tanya uk

    The guy in that letter is a grade A asshole.

    I would recommend revenge… simply tell anyone who will listen he has a tiny d…..

    He will then feel the pain of humiliation and better still he will be ridiculed by his friends and no other girl will touch him.

    Most blokes dont measure their girlfriends worth by how skillful they are in the sack- you had a lucky excape my friend… now start texting!

    • Living well is the best revenge. That’s not a cliche for nothing. If she started badmouthing him in bed, it would be transparent and pitiful. I think the best revenge she could get is having a fulfilling sexual relationship with a higher quality guy next time around. It’s bound to get back to him, and he’ll feel threatened by it.
      The other problem with revenge is that it makes the person enacting it feel crappy. It’s impossible to move on if your focusing on making the ex jealous. She should focus on making herself happy instead.
      Just my opinion, and I’m not saying if the opportunity to make him miserable falls into her lap that she should resist….I just would hate to see her focus on this guy in any way.

  • I would recommend revenge…

    I shouldn’t do this, because I wouldn’t actually advise revenge. Not that the guy doesn’t have some blowback due, but in the end this stuff always gets messier and doesn’t work out as hoped.

    But strictly hypothetically if I were her and going for revenge, I think I would ask just one girlfriend very hush hush for technique advice and swear her to secrecy in advance*. As she’s busy sharing her favorite tricks, work in a few very innocent questions with wide eyes and a straight face (pick 2):

    What is the polite way to ask “is it in yet”?
    What should you do when they start crying after sex?
    That technique makes sense, but how can you do all that in just 2 minutes?
    Sex is great I guess, but how do you get past the whole sores on the penis thing?

    *This gives you plausible deniability, a greater sense of credibility, and still guarantees everyone will know (you told it to a girl friend).

    • HAHAHAHA! Oh man, if done subtly enough, that would get around in one weekend.

  • mgambale

    I wouldn’t stoop to his level by trying to get even. How many good guys are attracted to vindictive girls?

    That said, he’s a total jerk. I agree with Susan and the other posters who say that the inability or unwillingness to communicate accounts for most of the ways that a woman (or a man) could be blameworthy for poor performance in the sack. And it’s a two-way street. If your partner never tells you what they want then they shouldn’t feel entitled to get it.

    Silence aside, what I find most annoying are attempts at communication that aren’t constructive. Telling a partner that (s)he is “doing it wrong” or not “doing it like everybody else” does not help him or her. It’s better to say, “please do x” than it is to say “why do you do y, because that’s totally weird.” Even the Whore of Babylon had too few partners to be truly representative, so unless you’ve memorized the Kinsey Report, you shouldn’t presume to know common practices from weird ones.

  • PJL

    I hesitate to post this, but I was moved by your story & thought I’d share the broad outline of an analogous situation of my own. My assumption is that part of your embarrassment derives from his betraying you this part of your life. If it’s helpful, fine; if not, leave it.

    Well, a past girlfriend–when I was the definition of a “beta” (makes me want to cringe)–wanted a more physical relationship. For a number of reasons I didn’t want to make that commitment and preferred to continue getting to know one another. She, at least, knew what she wanted and publicly dumped me. One day later she very publicly–by which I mean very, very publicly–got that part of the relationship that she felt was missing. Because of her, people knew that she broke up with me because I wouldn’t, couldn’t, or didn’t perform. Really messed around with what I thought was right and wrong for a while.

    I never set the story straight. Some people always thought of me as a sad sap, but I learned very quickly who my friends were. That’s the only good thing that comes out of these experiences.

    Miss Walsh is not saying this–and I don’t take anyone to be saying it–but I would add that it’s not a good idea to go out an “learn” from this by racking up notches. For most men–at least my friends–a “wife” has a low notch count. Shallow? Maybe. Reality? Yes. So, inexperience should have been–to a good man–charming, at the very least. And no man I’ve ever met talks about his intimate life. He may let his boys knows he’s getting some, but that’s it. Anything more is low class.

    I always wonder how/why people worry about their sexual inexperience. I regret holding hands with that girl, much less anything else. If I could erase all my “experience” tomorrow, I would. This stuff isn’t jujitsu.

    “What should you do when they start crying after sex?”

    • PJL, it’s generous of you to share that story. I’ll second your suggestion not to go out and get sexy with a bunch of guys to “show him.” I once heard a guy say that he was super relieved his new girlfriend, who he was crazy about, was terrible at giving a blowjob. It proved that she was not this girl:

      P.S. From here on out, I hope everyone will call me Susan. I know I’m older than everyone else, but Miss Walsh or Ms. Walsh makes me feel like a teacher.

    • @PJL
      For most men–at least my friends–a “wife” has a low notch count. Shallow? Maybe. Reality? Yes. So, inexperience should have been–to a good man–charming, at the very least. And no man I’ve ever met talks about his intimate life. He may let his boys knows he’s getting some, but that’s it. Anything more is low class.

      Outstanding comment overall, but this point jumped out at me. What strikes me is that once you run all of this through the double standard filter, the results probably aren’t what the reader was thinking will happen.

      Her reputation as a girl guys want to be with wasn’t ruined by rumors that she is bad in the sack. Quality guys will be a bit put off at hearing anything about her and the other guy sexually, so she will take somewhat of a hit there. But if she leaves it be and acts with grace it will fade over time. And the pump and dumpers won’t be deterred because guys aren’t that way. They don’t rely on the opinions of others to determine attraction. I don’t think women can believe this but it is true. So whether she wants a quality guy or to be passed around the bar, she’ll be ok (but she really should choose which she wants).

      He on the other hand might take a much bigger hit. By lowering her value with gossip he shot himself in the foot regarding pre selection. Plus he now has a reputation for embarrassing girls about sex. I’m not a woman but I’m guessing the latter might throw some cold water on his close rate. But I’ve been surprised before.

      • Quality girls like the one that wrote to me will be totally put off by this guy’s telling tales out of school. Depending on how attractive/socially dominant this guy is, promiscuous girls will be eager to “rock his world” and get the good press they assume will come with that.

  • amanda

    A couple months ago I had a guy dump to me and never talk to me (like completely ignore me) because I was bad at oral and it was my first time. He asked if it was my first time, I didn’t answer him, and then he made me feel horrible about it. I was one of my worst experiences and I cried and felt soo sick.

    • What a douche! All I can say is that if he wants a pro, you are so much better off being cut loose. I know that doesn’t really help, but seriously. Making a girl feel bad because she hasn’t blown 50 guys? You didn’t ask my advice, but I’m going to just suggest that before you do that again, make sure that the relationship is 50/50. Not just you servicing the guy. You will enjoy it more, and therefore be better at it, if you are relaxed and secure in the relationship. In terms of how to: check out Honestly, if those guys don’t know how to do it, no one does.

    • You didn’t ask my advice, but I’m going to just suggest that before you do that again, make sure that the relationship is 50/50.

      Excellent advice, and I’ll add some further unsolicited advice.

      He clearly wasn’t a nice guy. So next time look carefully at what a guy is really like before you get anywhere near that kind of intimate with him. Don’t beat yourself up, but also don’t have the mental story that “he tricked me” or “how could I have known”. If you don’t acknowledge your own power to choose then you won’t be able to exercise it. And the choices you make now will influence the kinds of men you will find yourself attracted to moving forward. If you develop a taste for bad boys, that is ok so long as you are ok with that and honest with yourself about what that really means. But given how much this hurt you, I’m not convinced you are cut out for the bad boy world (and that is a good thing).

      One more thought, and I hesitate to say this but I think it is important. If you do decide to change course and start looking for good guys, make sure you don’t hold the bad results from your previous choices against them. When you meet the man of your dreams, make it a point not to decide you can’t do certain things with him because of hurt caused by poor choices you made in the past.

    • I just want to add that I really feel for your situation. That had to be an absolutely awful experience. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

  • RupertKluse

    This is a great article Susan! As a guy I completely agree with all six things. Although, the only thing I would add is her post-sex attitude. It is a turn off when a woman immediately covers up right after sex. I just had sex with you and now you’re afraid of me seeing you naked?? It shows insecurity when she acts embarrassed or disgusted after sex.

    • Hi RupertKluse, welcome! That’s a good point. Covering up when you’ve just had sexual intercourse implies that you feel some kind of shame. It may be shame about your body, but it can also come across as a sense of shame or regret about what you have just done. Talk about extinguishing the post-coital glow! Also, some men have actually complained to me that after sex, especially casual sex, they would actually like to cuddle and the woman is having none of it. I think this must be women trying to maintain an emotional distance, but it’s alienating behavior. If a woman needs to pull back after sex, or as Esca said above, not even kiss during sex, she has no business being casual about sex in the first place.

  • Amanda

    I’m not going to lie..I had a feeling he was a “Bad boy” based on the way he was acting in the beginning but I felt his behavior was changing and he was acting nicer towards me. But now I know that was just a lie to get laid…he probably knew it wasn’t working before so he had to convince me he was a “good guy.” And no..I didn’t want to do it and was pressured into it. I told him I thought it wasn’t the right time and I wasn’t ready. But you know what? He didn’t care. And I think I wanted to keep him so badly that I just did it. I haven’t had many relationships and I’m young so like..I don’t know- maybe I liked the attention and liked having a boy “like me.” It just sucks and I’m going back to school soon and have to see him.

    My advice to girls. NEVER let a guy pressure you like I did. I always thought this wouldn’t happen to me but when you get in that situation of being in the same bed with him the chances increase and increase. If you say no you are coming off as being a tease when ..I don’t believe I really meant to at all. I LOOKED like the bad guy when I believe it was him and I felt I had to do it to prove I wasn’t a tease.

    I have alwwayssss liked cocky, bad boys but I’m really going to try. I think there’s something wrong with me but whenever a guy is like too nice I ignore them and walk away and then when a guy teases me and is flirty I love it. I need to get out of this pattern!!!

    • I think this is always difficult when you have that kind of pressure. I’ve walked away from situations – one guy I was dating and a few guys just sort of hitting on me type deal – cause they wouldn’t leave me alone. They can think I’m a tease all they want but I’ve always been up front about where I stand on issues and they can deal with it or leave. It really serves to separate the good from the bad I find. It’s not always super romantic to pull back in the middle of a drunken make-out session and be like ‘this is as far as it goes’ but then I know there’s no miscommunication.

      So i fully agree with you – never compromise on something you feel strongly about. Stick to your guns. I would rather have the guy say I’m a tease and call me names or whatever then to do something I don’t want to do in that context. It shows his maturity and what an asshole he is if he does something like that.

      • One thing that works is to teasingly put the guy on alert from the start. So when a guy says “Can I come over?” at 2 am, don’t say “I’m tired,” say “Sorry, I’m not a 2 am kind of girl.” If he asks you to come over and watch a movie, you can jokingly say, “Um, yeah if that’s not code for hook up.” Put the onus on him to reassure you that his motives are good. Men expect that, at least quality ones do.
        There are ways of signaling your standards early so that no matter what happens, you can never be accused of being a tease. Of course, you have to be consistent. You can’t say these things and then dry hump on his bed the first time you hang out.

        • It’s true and I’ve been lucky in that whenever I do find myself in a drunken situation where the guy may be thinking hook-up possibility – it’s usually someone who has known me for awhile anyway so they already have an idea of my boundaries and they’ve always been good about it.

        • greenfieldnews

          So true. I dealt with a guy’s constant asking of late night “movie watching” by saying, maybe after you hang out with me in the daytime” He stalled out, I walked away without looking like a tease, and after a week, he and i actually did hang out in the daytime. and it went horribly on both ends (very differing politics/world views and not in the fun combative way) and volia. problem solved
          granted i learned this after having many bad almost hookups where gossip was spread that i was a terrible kisser, a blue-baller and many worse things. Live and learn.

        • Speaking of hookups, though not terrible ones, I cannot stop thinking of your leaving that flip flop behind! It cracks me up every time. I’ve decided it’s a modern day Cinderella story.

    • I have alwwayssss liked cocky, bad boys but I’m really going to try. I think there’s something wrong with me but whenever a guy is like too nice I ignore them and walk away and then when a guy teases me and is flirty I love it. I need to get out of this pattern!!!

      That’s a good idea. I’m glad you are determined to resist that kind of pressure. Take more time to get to know people. A good guideline is that a guy who is willing to wait until you are ready is not going to be a bad boy. He may not have the smooth moves of a player, but that’s a good thing.
      Having said that, it will go much easier for you if nice guys show up to flirt and tease.

  • Doug1

    I don’t know if anyone will read this on this old thread but there’s a huge gorilla in the room that hasn’t been mentioned in comments I don’t think, or if it was, not mentioned much.

    It’s hugely attractive to guys with sexual experience when he can make a girl easily or fairly easily orgasm. Especially from vaginal intercourse, whether warmed up first with oral or not. Now a whole lot of this is how turned on the girl is by the guy, and how much she’s able to surrender to him. For some girls that requires deep love; for others not. (I don’t think the later makes the girl a slut; she might not have acted on it too much out of relationships but it does make girls more inclined to be sluts in the current feminist atmosphere.)

    How much she can surrender to him is something a really skillful experienced may lover can certainly help along greatly with an inexperienced for virginal girl. But it’s also true that some girls, a minority, have deep hang ups with transferring trust. And most flavors of feminism hardly helps this partial (or more than that) power exchange even “in the bedroom”.

    However having said all that, I think there are real never and brain wiring and hormonal differences between girls as to how high their sex drives are. Many girls find theirs increases a lot in the middle twenties on out, and peaks in their early or mid thirties. Teen girls get all kinds of attention whore rushes from the power of their budding equipment over post pubescent guys of all ages, but most don’t have really high sex drives. Some do though.

    So anyway, if she can vaginally orgasm, which some reports say only about 30% of women can (though that may often be partly their partner) it’s hotter, and if she can’t orgasm at all even clitorally with him, or only can after a terrifically slow build up every t time, it’s simply less hot. Virgin girls with inexperienced partners or experienced ones who aren’t good, loving and patient teachers, shouldn’t be worried about this.

    These things even if they don’t yield to great technique and a compelling male sexual heat aren’t necessarily fatal with the right guy for this, but they’re less hot. Just like a very small penis on a guy is, unfortunately for him. (Though real size queen fetishing is almost certainly almost all psychological and heavily porn influenced, given that almost all vaginal nerve endings are within two inches of the surface.)

  • @Doug1
    First, of all, I agree about size queens. It’s all cultural. There really are very few nerve endings in the vaginal canal. However, a long penis hitting the cervix is quite painful. There is most definitely such a thing as too big for women.
    Second, the numbers for the ability to orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation are around 20-25%. There is no such thing as a vaginal orgasm – if the clit is near enough to the vaginal opening, intercourse may stimulate it enough to bring about orgasm. Studies show that women whose clit is more than 1 1/8 inch from their vaginal opening will not come via intercourse. FWIW, the best and most reliable way to bring a woman to orgasm is via oral sex.

  • I just read through this all and found it extremely useful. I just lost my virginity to a guy who has had a Lot of experience and obviously knows what he likes. He said it was bad and reading this helped a lot. I just have a question though, i agreed him giving him oral and vice versa and I also am not the type to lie there the whole time so any hints on why it might not have been as good for him as it was for me?

  • Barbie JO

    Someone has to say it; SIZE does matter. I’m in a unique position in that I was part of a sex study in which I had sex with 100 new lovers over the period of a year. I saw and heard everything and sometimes had to keep from laughing when guys tried to lay it on like they were some porn star or Casanova. Aside from knowing how to kiss (which is a big giveaway as to how good a guy will be in bed)m they have to know how to take control and make me feel “taken.” Penis size is such a touchy subject, but after having had 100 new lovers (some first time virgins) I can say, a longer (7-8″) and thicker girth (6″+) is the best. It stretches the interior muscles and can reach the back where the deep internal orgasms are triggered! I have had lovers where I lost count of my orgasms after 20 and others who could only get me off one time orally before pumping me for eternity only to have me feeling relieved when they finally had their orgasm.

    Larger visually attractive penises (no curves, no weird bends, circumcised, etc.) with a thick “helmet head” tend to draw us to them. I love sucking a large thick cock more than a small thin one. I’ve had 4″x4″ all the way to 11″x8″ and there is such thing as TOO MUCH too! My favorite size is beween 7 and 8 inches with a roch hard 6″ girth. My husband is 8″x6″ and maybe I’m spoiled and expected too much. He was part of the sexual study team and approved so I was not sneaking around. I’m a 32 year old MILF and everyt one of the guys expected me to be a wildcat in bed so I really pushed myself. Some wanted me to take them orally first and bring them to orgasm that way (what is it with the whole “girls have to swallow thing anyway?) and I always swallowed them. I would immediately begin pushing them to get erect again so we could make love right away and that caused a lot of stress for men. Intrestingly enough I found that men with smaller penises got hard a second time MUCH faster than the largely endowed guys did.

    Overall I and all of my friends prefer a larger penis that gets rock hard and the guy can potentially orgasm and ejaculate twice to make me feel very sensuous and good in bed!
    Thanks for reading my blather,
    Barbie JO
    Orange County, California

  • Bea

    I found that as a virgin I was nervous and afraid to try things because the first guy I ever fooled around with criticized everything I did.  He was used to loose girls and was far from a virgin so everything I did was sub-par.  Her ex sounds like as big of an ass as mine was.  However, with an older, more patient, and more mature partner I was able to learn how to do all the things I was curious about but always too afraid to try.  Turns out I didn’t hate to give blowjobs…the fear of messing them up (and yes, that is actually possible) kept me from attempting it…along with other things.  As a woman, we want to please our lover (and I’m sure the same is true for the opposite sex)…but it’s okay to say that you’ve never done something or aren’t sure how…ask for guidance.  I find that while they are explaining it to you, the verbalization of what you’re doing turns them on as much as what you’re doing.  🙂

    • @Bea
      Thanks for those words of support for less experienced women! I agree – with a loving partner it’s not difficult to find ways to please one another as long as you’re willing to talk about it. And yes, talking about it makes it more exciting!

  • Mike

    Late to the party. To the OP – i only have one thing to say.

    You did nothing wrong…. .HE’S A F((*#)ING IDIOT. He pisses me off and makes my blood boil. Stupid knobjob.

    Here’s the thing. If he actually cared, he would have talked to YOU about it sensitively. NOT his or your friends.

    This is the problem that chaffes me to no end in this day and age of internet and social networking and communications devices coming out of everyones ass and YET…

    If he had a problem with the sex he can only blame himself. You were a virgin, you’re scott free. You aren’t a preprogrammed robot that can dance a pole 3 months after gestating. I just finished this point in another post earlier today about taking the time to communicate with your partner ESPECIALLY if your partner is inexperienced. No two people will enjoy or be able to do the exact same sexual act with the same delivery, tone or mechanical motions. Patience, trust and honest open communication, and a fun sense of discovery.

    Don’t you dare feel sad or cry, don’t you dare.

    I wanna go kick this knobjobs face into the curb.

  • warmwoman

    While nobody is born a perfect lover and it’s okay to learn, I think her ex was of poor character. It’s not your fault, OP. I don’t care what anyone says. Communication is key here. My experience is that men and women who cheat didn’t bother outright telling the woman what they needed from her. If these conversation occurred, then there could be a solution. If your partner is seure, they won’t mind getting feedback and learning. In order to grow, we have to accept that we aren’t perfect.

    I always told my ex that “If you feel like you’re not getting enough sex or you feel that something could be improved, let me know.” I put it out there to help my partner feel comfortable to bring up the topic. As a woman, there are times when I’m too tired or stressed. I don’t want to be this way, but I put it out there to build communication and find ways to help create the mood when one of us isn’t…..

  • Anonymous

    I just don’t like giving head. I used to be really good and I halfway enjoyed it. I was even amended for swallowing which wasn’t a big problem for me, but now…I just don’t enjoy it as much as I used to and I feel bad for not being into it.

    • @Anonymous
      Lots of women are not really into it, but do it to please their partner. Wouldn’t you do that enthusiastically for someone you were crazy about?

  • Mike

    Probably don’t enjoy it now because of your experience. If you’re with someone who really cares for you and works to please you sexually, you’ll probably be more than happy to return the favor, especially if he’s like me and REALLY enjoys a good bj. You’ll feel so damn powerful and sexy making the poor guy squirm like crazy. Just listen to what he likes, employ your own style. You don’t have to get back on the horse right away.. just don’t write if off altogether.

    All in due time.

  • AP33

    RE: Esca’s situation – it’s possible someone may not want to kiss because (they’re embarrassed to say that) either they have a small cold sore, or they think they have bad breath, or they think that the other person does? I mean, no one can accurately guess what her reason was, we can’t read another person’s mind. Maybe she was involved with someone else and didn’t want to be emotionally cheating in her mind or something / or couldn’t. Maybe she thought you had a cold sore but didn’t want to mention it. There are many possible things.

  • AP33

    RE: being concerned about technique in bed …. it all comes down to someone being comfortable with themselves, their partner, and the two of them engaging in good communication skills. Respect, courtesy, consideration, acceptance and trust are necessary on both sides, whether it’s a one night stand or LTR. Otherwise it shouldn’t be happening. Neither partner should be engaging in anything they’re not comfortable with, or pressuring the other person to do anything – if either of those things are happening, consider that perhaps the sex shouldn’t be.

    I personally came across the Youtube channel & website for which I found immensely informative for virgins & experienced non virgins alike.

    How for anyone to be good in bed? Know your own body & what you like first & foremost and be able to communicate that in some manner, positively, constructively – show or ask or tell, whatever works for you & your partner at the time.

    RE: DVDs/videos people have mentioned, I would check out sex education books & videos (how to’s / tips) first before I would ever refer to porn, porn most often involves *staging* for the camera – acting and makeup & a story – not reality.

    Learn from: articles / tips / FAQ’s posted on healthy sex websites such as GoodVibrations in the US, and ComeAsYouAre & GoodForHer in Canada.

    RE: mention of some women not liking giving oral sex – there are the usual things one can consider that may help make it more appealing for a partner, such as for example: the man can shave or trim; he can wash/shower himself properly; he may have an infection or redness that needs addressing / has been neglected that’s an instinctive turnoff – healthy body parts are much more appealing; consider flavoured lubricant from the sex shop; try more foreplay before oral sex ; try another position for oral sex that she may find more comfortable; by all means touch her hair, next etc. while she’s going down on you and refrain from forcing / pushing her head toward your goal.

  • Anon1892

    4. Making your needs subservient to his.
    Men want women who 1) love sex 2) with them.

    Susan, that is the heading for #4 but then each of the anecdotes (except one) listed are about pleasing her, her having an orgasm. How is that making your (her) needs subservient to his? Sometimes, it does need to be all about HIM. And sometimes it does need to be all about HER. It doesn’t have to be perfect 50/50 each and every single time.
    In fact the about him / about her should even go as far as having the one tell the other exactly what they would like to have happen to them. And the giver should give it freely and happily, because if things are done correctly in the relationship, then the return “favors” should be just as good.

  • Jennifer

    That poor woman. What a total jerk; her friend should have told her sooner.

  • coolbeans

    Learning to be a good partner in bed takes a lot of practice. Not necessarily with tons of partners, but with few that you feel comfortable with. Your story reminds me of a similar experience I had. I was with a guy who told me the sex was good, but after we broke went around telling people that the sex was awful- even though it wasn’t to mutual friends I found out and it was really upsetting. He should have told you why he wasn’t pleased with your performance (esp. after a year together he owes you that much), and given you a chance to learn and try new things. The fact that he said you were bad and still was sticking around with you for a year shows that he’s a coward.

    Bottom line: sex takes time, trust, and comfort with the partner your with. For future relationships, keep this in mind. And in the mean time, think about what makes you orgasm, what turns you on. Try masturbation, explore your sexuality- some of the above mentioned posts are right. Both men and women like partners who are confident with themselves and their bodies to try new things. And if it is not working- speak up.

    Hope you have tons of great sex coming your way. Just remember to be safe.

  • Sophie

    I think what the girl Here needs is a bit of confidence boosting. I actually think it was not nice at all for her friend to be so blunt and go in to so much detail. Shows that people gossip tho. Agree about the communication problem. but confidence in yourself which would be Very hard to get over after this esp if you might not have friends who might help is going to be hard. i like the sensual ideas for feeling good in yourself. to just talk about sex tips – well i think they are good – but that’s not just what she needs atm. we don’t know all the details from this letter. it gives information and things to think about but is she really going to 1. feel like sex or doing these things now 2. have her confidence boosted and possibly act this way/do these things if she doesn’t feel like it, esp if its now confirmed she is ‘not good in bed’ by other people’s standards?

  • Tracy

    This is, by far, one of the best discussion threads I’ve seen on this type of situation. I’ve been in this situation before (not the public bullhorning of intimate information), but have definitely been on the receiving end of expectations in the bedroom.

    I agree with the whole notion of “due process”. Everything takes time and each person has to work to pleasure of the other at their own pace.

  • J

    All I can say is that I have a gf of 16 years and she’s always been boring as hell in bed. She will never change and I’ve tried everything. I tell her she’s attractive, I love her and all that. We’ve talked about it outside of the bedroom, I’ve bought her sexy clothes, I’ve suggested everything I can think of and it’s still like shagging a sack of potatoes every time. I could tell before we got to bed exactly what would happen and in what order.
    Like any man I have turned to porn and have realised that I actually enjoy doing it myself more than going through the motions with her.
    I have a house and child now so my advice is make sure that yours isnt a crap shag before you find yourself in my position. I won’t cheat so I’m stuck for the rest of my life.

  • anonymous

    I think every bit of this info is wrong. What is up with commited relationships now days where 2 ppl really care for and respect each other? I do not understand women who do not want that kind of relationship for themselves.

  • Lee

    To the OP, he was a waste of time. Like I read earlier you should live the most sexually fulfilled life you can. Hope it works out for you. Although I’m not sure about myself. I’m a 18yr old male virgin. I dont think I’ll be able to pleasure women. I’m not well endowed at all and not that attractive. I have however educated myself on how to pleasure women. I’ve learned so much, and am not done learning yet. I just wanna be an amazing lover, but doubt I’ll ever lose my virginity. How can I truly be amazing?

  • Will

    Talking should be the main point! My first experience with my current girlfriend was awful, she hit all the wrong points as mentioned above. But we talked about it and what she wanted, what i wanted, what i like in bed and what i dont. Try sharing a bottle of wine and talk about it in a non-intimate matter of fact kind of way, it actually turned into a turn on her saying how she liked to be stimulated without a giggle or embarrassed approach. Unfortunately she’s now created a monster because i cant get enough of her!

  • cassondra ibor

    what if you do not have a problem with any of those things and are still called Bad at Sex

  • Maria

    This is a reply to Challenge.

    Holding hands like that during sex is an excellent idea, this is something I just seemed to naturally do ever since the first time I had sex and every boyfriend. Not only does it give immediate feedback to the less experienced but I find it really hot feeling my partners tension building in a direct way like that every bf I’ve ever has commented about how hot they found it. I guess it came naturally because I like sex to much to be passive about it. It really works. My less experienced boyfriends include one virgin could get me off with his tongue by the 2nd time just by noticing when I squeezed harder.

    and for the girls if you do this to a guy he’ll unconsciously squeeze harder when he likes it which gives you an easy way he is the quieter sort.

  • Jake

    Most of all be present when sex is happening. We can always tell if you are doing it because you think you should be or don’t want to disappoint us. If a part of you dosen’t really want to be there but you are trying to mind over matter because you think you should, that is shitty beyond belief. Would rather you say, we are not matched sexually, I just want a relationship without sex, and if you are not good with that, you should not be with me.

  • Jake

    Talking about your past sex experiences is the biggest turnoff ever. Unless we ask, don’t tell us your orgasm score, men, (some of us) want to feel like we are what is important, if you start telling us about other guys you have been with, while in bed, well that lingers and never really goes away, even years later. Great sex is not in the moment, it is a culmination, a building of trust. If you are not relaxed and trying to control by letting us know you had this or that, well you are not present to your lover, you are distancing yourself from the moment and distancing your lover. Don’t claim you want intimacy if you are afraid.

  • John

    When she looks me in the eyes with a look of raw hunger, I know it is going to be mind blowing.

    Other than than, know yourself. Know what you need to please yourself, and be comfortable enough to give feedback. I give great oral to women because I enjoy making them happy. (Let me know if it is working or I will try changing it up until I find something that does. Conversely if I feel I am taking you to the edge I will work with it, and really try to lock into what your body is communicating. I love taking a woman to the edge, holding and then blowing you into orbit, but I need the right feedback. Help me, help you.)

    On the other side, guys get to the edge and have to be controlled to make it last. I will do what I can, but there is a critical juncture at which she’s going to blow, so work with it and when the time comes try to keep me on the edge of cumming until I am holding my breath for a minute and am looking almost frightened. Yes, there comes a point where a guy is in a near orgasm state, where it feels like electricity is pulsing up and down the spine, and if he stays there more than about 90 seconds some adrenaline kicks in–almost a survival reaction as though la petite morte will become la grande morte. It requires breaking the rhythm that will take me over, but not so much that I fall out of the near orgasm state.

    I love it when women are poly-orgasmic ejaculators. Yes, only a few seem to get there, but I had one girlfriend who went thermonuclear, and would explode 20 or 30 times in a session. It was such a joy to take her there, to literally blow her into an ecstatic state. If you have that ability you are lucky as hell, and let the guy take you there as any of us who love women, love to please you. (Maybe it is because guys are not polyorgasmic that we love it when are women are. It is the best type of vicarious pleasure.)

  • Rusty

    She takes a call from her fiance, and then can’t understand why I don’t have an erection afterwards.

  • Johanna

    I often wonder if I’m good in bed or not. I’m 23 and I’ve slept only with one guy, my current boyfriend that I met when I was 18. I ask for feed back from him quite often, but he usually has no complaints, he has one actually: more oral sex. I’ve paid attention to his reactions during sex and he seems to enjoy it, but I have this concern that he just wants to be nice and he won’t say if there’s something I need to work on. Of course durinf the first times of sex I was really shy, it took me like a year to be confident while staying on top, or to take the initiative myself or to do it doggy style (which is incredibly for the girl, at least for me it is) .

    And now comes the real problem that I wrote for. Before my boyfriend, I had this amazing relation with a guy that I met 9 years ago. It never happened anything between us (and by that I mean an actual relationship, not just sex, I was way too young), because there was always something coming up; I was too shy to be with him at that time, then he left the city to pursue his studies, in the meantime I met my boyfriend and after that I went to a different city for my studies and our paths didn’t cross very often.
    We were seeing each other really often during summers and occasionally in our city, when we were both home. And we both feel like we’re having this amazing connection, we get along so well and yet it never happened anything between us (except a little kiss when I was 15) because we both are in serious relationships. And he was always was open regarding his feelings for me, but I wasn’t because I do have this principle that it’s not okay to be more than friends since we’re both commited to other people.
    Over these past few days I was home for the holidays and I thought about him so often but he wasn’t able to come home and we only spoke on the phone and internet. I’ve thought about how would it be to sleep with him, hoping that maybe this would give us both some closure but I’m actually afraid to this because maybe it would be disappointing, maybe I won’t be good enough in bed and then what we have now would be ruined.
    So I’m having all these questions and fears without answers and this desire to be with this man that I’m on the same page with, but that can’t guarantee that we’ll be good in bed. This is why I ask for some advice!
    For those who are judgemental, don’t judge, it could always happen to you too. 🙂

  • kassie

    I really hate that my boyfriend takes calls and texts during sex. When my phone says I have a text, I ignore it, but then he says “are you gonna get that?” and when I say no, he gets annoyed. Why is he like that? If it was important, it would be a phone call, which is rarely is.

    • @kassie

      I really hate that my boyfriend takes calls and texts during sex.

      You should! Tell him to stop that right now. I have no idea what his problem is but you should not stand for that.

  • Akes

    my gf is hella boring in bed 85% of the time. I wouldnt say that every sexual relationship is perfect. But she doesn’t even try to make me feel good. she just lays there and does nothing. I mention things to her or try to encourage her to try new things. Sometimes, trying new things even turns her off completely, even though I’m not doing it in any mean way. For example I just say “how about we try another way? It can feel good for us both… once we find a good way to do it “. She only slowly began to like sex, i think she is just an extremely unsexual person to be honest. I dont know how to deal with that because personally im all about physical communication and sex, and I have trouble understanding how the person cannot be turned on. She was a virgin but we’ve been having sex for 7 months and it’s not like she’s new. Thing is, we were all brand spankin new at sex at one time or another, but i always took far more of an interest in sex when i was a noobie, than she does. I thought it was a good sign that she initiated sex maybe like 5 times since ive known her. Im starting to think maybe she doesn’t like me or im not making her happy in other ways.

  • Akes

    oh one more thing, she barely even touches me or makes a noise nor moves when we are having sex. like how can you honestly be so unenthusiastic

  • Anne

    My boyfriend made a pretty personal comment about my appearance just as we were about to have sex and ever since, I have felt even more insecure than usual, understandably I think. This guy is the first person I have ever slept with, but I wasn’t his first so I have always felt like I had something to live up to, but I have tried really hard to live up to everything he expects of me in the bedroom. That is all sex is about to me now- ” is what I’m doing pleasing him?” “Am I good enough?” I don’t necessarily enjoy it or look forward to it. One of your points says that insecurity is a turn off… but insecurity isn’t just something you can turn off. Anyway, he recently referred me to this page and told me to read points 1-6 as he strongly agreed with them. Now I feel horrible about myself and that I am simply not good enough. Is living up to someone’s fantasies the right thing to do if you don’t really want to do it? I want to please him, but I can’t just switch off my insecurities about myself and about sex, and suddenly become this constantly horny, dominating, adventurous, sex princess that he so wishes for. I suppose this is the same for any girl or guy out there- sure, sex and relationships are about compromise, but how far should we go to make our partners happy?

    • @Anne

      Dump that asshole! I cannot believe he would refer you to this post. He sounds like a selfish and cruel person. Find a man who will not criticize you before sex! Seriously, you can do better than this. You are not the problem, he is.

  • Kate Gor

    @ Anne
    I totally agree with the previous comment. No respect at all! If he is really dissatisfied with your sexual performance and had a true intension to improve it, he could have done it more gently. However, the issue you have raised is quite topical and has not been discussed here properly – self confidence your are all advocating for.
    You are discussing either technical attributes (some of them I found very useful thank you all a lot), which makes you feel technically proficient and racked; or just the necessity of being assertive.
    My current bf is a typical animal kind of guy. It was obvious from the first second we met and is highly supported by his six-pack-looks. So I can’t complain when he destroys me so that I can hardly move the next day.
    He is pretty straight forward so he has declared that I don’t always satisfy him and we are doing the same thing every time, meaning I’m boring in bed and not open to anything new. This is where I started thinking about the reasons. Simply he doesn’t inspire me. And I’m absolutely not self-confident with him because like in Anne’s case he makes comments about my appearance. How on earth can I enjoy him at the back after he said that my ass is soft ?!
    I don’t feel that he is having sex with ME. It seems like he is renting my vagina; pumps hard then rolls over and falls asleep.
    Here I want to clarify that I don’t look that bad, I try to maintain my body in a proper condition, regularly go to the gym. When I pass by handsome guys turn around although I’m usually dressed soberly
    As regards my sexual proficiency it is all complicated. I’ve had 13 partners, all absolutely different so I’ve learnt a bit from them all. And I really enjoy one-night stands. Don’t get me wrong here, it mostly happens on vacation as ‘I don’t shit where I eat’ and I somehow know how to make it look good for both of us. I even keep in touch with some of the guys I hooked up with as they turned out to be nice fellows.
    There are basically two reasons why I love it. First of all I decide who I’m going to be this night and I absolutely don’t care what a guy thinks about me, I don’t need him to like me or reveal my personality, I already know that he finds me attractive as he has chosen me among all other girls around – all these makes me extremely self-confident and liberated so I perform to kill. It is always incredibly passionate and emotional, full of surprises from me and the partner, which leads to the second reason – impress! and secure the place in the top five on a guy’s list. I never do anything slutty or what contradicts to my principles, but it’s a good ground to try something new. So till now I know what I like and what is more important – what I don’t like. I don’t like when guys go down on me. There is no particular reason for that or any bad experience. Simply don’t enjoy it that much, feel awkward at the time and a bit disgusted after. However my bf keeps swaying to 69, which immediately turns me off, though I don’t avoid giving a head.
    What I still can’t understand is why I am so under-performing when I’m in relationship. I strongly believe that emotionally one-night stand is nothing compared to sex with feelings with a person you are in love with. Moreover, after some time together you get to know each other’s preferences and the process of pleasing the partner as much as you can gets easier.
    But for some reasons I can’t be open and don’t feel confident with my bf. He doesn’t inspire me in bed at all, although I’m in love with him. And he is really good at sex, quite proficient (it looks like porn-educated 🙂 ).
    I’m elastic and have a very good stretch but all I think about is how I might look at the moment or do I have belly rolls he might notice. It ruins our intimate moments and relationship.
    And after each remark or comment regarding my look or sexuality I just clam up more.
    I guess it seems to him that I’m boring, unexperienced, and a bad lay. So I really need to work on my self-confidence with this particular guy in order to impress him every single time as I know I can

    For all the guys who think that their partner is a shitty lay: what do you do to make the girls feel confident? Do you give them enough proof that they are gorgeous, sexy and highly desirable? Coz sometimes the problem is not in the absence of experience but in the lack inspiration.

  • Sriracha Hot Sauce

    Kate Gor, your own boyfriend sounds just as much an a-hole as Anne’s.

    Dump him. But not immediately. Not before you spend at least one solid week insulting him like he has you.

    The kick his ass to the curb!

  • Kate Gor

    Thank you for the advice. I’m really considering this option as I’m almost fed up with the constant feeling of being not good enough

  • Lee Lewis

    It seems like a lot of men are pretty bad. I hope that the ladies know that not all men are like that. All I can say to you Kate is don’t let a guy make you feel not as good as you really are. Find another guy that makes you feel inspired and sexy.

  • Kate Gor

    Thank you Lee
    As I have noticed from my experience some guys simply don’t feel like saying nice things to ladies after they lock them into relationship. Either they just loose interest after they finally get what they were hunting for OR they don’t think it’s necessary to express the feelings or to tell the girl that they still think that she looks beautiful in the morning. And I’m wondering why both of this happens?
    It happened to me with my ex. After a break up it turned out that he was telling all his friends that he loved me desperately and found me gorgeous; and had never met such beautiful face in his life;
    But when we were together I never heard anything of that kind from him

  • Lee Lewis

    To be perfectly honest I don’t think I’d always remember to tell a woman that. I think it’s because we guys assume that you already know that we think you look great. Thats definitely something I need to keep in mind. I honestly don’t think we do it on purpose. We don’t usually show our affection through words and more so actions, or grunts haha. I’m not quite sure as I haven’t been in a relationship in a while.

  • Mireille

    @ Kate,

    It sounds like your BF is a real charmer. I’m certain that his less than appreciative words when it comes to your body can definitely be a factor in your lack of interest or investment in the sexual area. Women are attracted to men who like them, and when a guy starts commenting on your body in a very demeaning way, there goes your attraction or arousal. So he is a jerk, as he’s actually killing the behaviour he wants you to display. Classic lethal cluelessness.

    However, since you noticed yourself that you were more into it when sex was with strangers, have you thought seriously about what is behind that? Because from what you report, you basically become someone else during these encounters; you have lots of self-confidence. It’s a bit like you’re an actor performing the “adventurous girl” part, so you have more control. Whereas, when with the boyfriend with feelings involved, it all become tame and boring. So you have to maybe realise that some of your buttons might be that adrenaline rush that comes with the chase. Maybe that’s who you are and there is no need to fight it. But I don’t know. You seem to enjoy intimacy with the bf so it’s not all clear.

    I have to say, I can understand why your bf would be frustrated and find reasons to justify his lack of satisfaction in bed. If I were a man, I would be pissed that my gf “worked” to give the best sexual experience to ONSs and kept the “boring” parts for me just because it is sex with feelings. Really not fair. What I’m hearing in your comment is that you have some type of fear of intimacy where you can’t let go to be as passionate as you are with the randoes from ONSs. That’s something to figure out.

    Does your BF know about those ONSs? If yes, that could be a reason he is so vocal and hurtful in his grievances. Also, how attractive would you rate the guys you had ONSs with compared to your bf? Are they similar or different? You have to figure out whether you have a type as well and not try to fantasize sexual attraction where there is none.

    So yes, on one hand, making disparaging comments about a woman (or a mans) sex kills is not a great way to encourage them to improve, otoh, you have to examine what turns you on and talk about it with your partner. Also be fair to him, if you are not as into him as you are with randoes, leave the dude alone, you are not a match and there is no need to force it.

  • Sriracha Hot Sauce

    “As I have noticed from my experience some guys simply don’t feel like saying nice things to ladies after they lock them into relationship.”

    Been there, done that.

    One guy pursued me like mad, even pretending to be someone he wasn’t, in order to get me. Once he got me it was all down hill with “negs” and “instilling dread”.

    I was pretty naive at the time but once I got online and started reading I got clued into what he was trying to do and eventually kicked his ass to the curb.

  • Diana S.

    And to anyone who is in this situation

    I don’t think you should NEVER do anything that u are not comfortable with … no matter what your partner wants you to do .. there are a lot of guys who expect to much out of their new relationships/or people who are not used to trying different things. …that bf (hopefully soon to be ex-bf) is hurting you mentally and emotionally by trying to get you to contemplate on giving up what you want u feel during sex and how u wanted to be treated for what he wants. . Which is unexceptable… when you start having sex with someone you actually like( and want to be with )the sex is supposed to be more about how yall both FEEL towards eachother , which empowers the feeling of closeness… once you mess up on that it is VERY hard for you to feel close even though yall are basically phyisically entwined (to say the least). It may be hard but braking up would prob be the best solution , that guy seems very selfish, and is most likely not goin to change. I’ve dealt with those types of guys , and stickin with them is a prolonging the feelings you are having. . Sex will not cure lost/distressed/depressive emotions, no matter how much of a “sex princess” you are with him, you will not be happy taking on a different persona and not being u!! And the whole point of having sex is to be youself, to bare yourself to one another and apprecciate eachother for who you are… and if that’s not how u feel, then bye bye for him and move on and move up=D u can always do better!!!

    good luck,, hope my comment helped =]

  • Kate Gor

    Thank you so much for your try to look deeper into my problem

    As regards ONSs you are probably right that the rush contributes to excitement and satisfaction. However I don’t perform or don’t pretend to be someone I’m not. It’s just the self-confidence that drives me and acts as a trigger. Probably the line “I decide who I’m going to be this night” confused you a bit. What I mean here is that I’m rather flexible and can complement most of the guys I met, be it a mature dominant or a virgin 🙂

    My bf has no idea about ONSs or who I was with before him. Even when he asks I try to provide some general information avoiding too much details, as it will definitely piss him off.

    Most of the boys were very attractive; those who were not that handsome balanced it with their sexual proficiency at full. However I can’t live only on ONSs or on casual basis, that’s for sure. I need relationship and sex takes only 30% in it. ONSs may occur somewhere in between if I stay single for a long time.

    Moreover I find my current bf very good-looking, and extremely sexy; and I find hot a lot of things about him that immediately turn me on and it never takes him long to join me. But when it gets down to business I unclick. I don’t feel any connection between us as well as I don’t feel that I’m the one he really desires and is happy to have sex with. Moreover, when I cut him off because he is doing something he knows I don’t like or when it hurts – he gets angry and complains after, that I don’t satisfy him. I feel like a worse alternative to his right hand.

    It has never been so bad though. In the beginning I saw passion in his eyes, and of course acted accordingly so we both enjoyed. As I said we are both pretty fit so it used to be a long sex marathon with incredible emotions.

    To prevent comments about the transformation of relationship over time – we are together for 4 months! Out of which having sex for less than 3 months!
    After all these comments started to accumulate in my mind, I kept loosing my self-confidence and my performance gradually decreased. And we are entering the period when couples start to try all new stuff – I’m no longer inspired and he has already stamped me as ‘dull’.

  • Dim

    Would be great if you had a better title than “6 things that make you totally shit in bed”
    – I’d really like to send this to my GF but she’s bound to be totally offended by the title

  • Dim

    How am i supposed to send this to her without completely offending her?

    • How am i supposed to send this to her without completely offending her?

      Yikes, I have no idea. It’s not like a different title would work once she saw the content either. Maybe get her to click through the way you did?

  • A Definite Beta Guy

    For all the guys who think that their partner is a shitty lay: what do you do to make the girls feel confident? Do you give them enough proof that they are gorgeous, sexy and highly desirable? Coz sometimes the problem is not in the absence of experience but in the lack inspiration.

    This mindset is not the way I approached it.
    I suspect this mindset may not even work because it is supplicating.

    Proper presentation: “I am a sexual man. I enjoy sex and I enjoy lots of it. By the way, have you noticed the way your jeans compliments your ass? Because I can’t stop looking…you should probably accompany me to my bedroom”

    The proper mindset is more, this is a fun activity and I enjoy it, and it’s reallllllllyyyyyyyyy fun, and you look like you’re just right for the part. Rather than, I expect this of you, I encourage you to look attractive.

    Then as her curiousity gets the best of her, you can start offering the compliments and positive reinforcements.

    Flowering girl with compliments and expecting sex=fail

  • A Definite Beta Guy

    I should also add that the physical escalation needs to be in tandem with the emotional escalation even inside the relationship, IMO. Keep that dance going, keep that limerance re-igniting on occassion.

    Which sounds good, but I think this may be something that young women struggle with sometimes. This means:
    -no hour long skype conversations
    -no poems
    -no chocolates and flowers and random gifts
    -no staying up to watch the sunrise
    -no romantic beach walks

    Well, not often, anyways.

    All that happens more as the physical escalation happens more.

    I think a lot of younger women expect the emotional side to reach a maximum burn, with a very slight tapering, with the physical side tapering off much more…

    This does not seem useful in practice.

  • Ray

    My boyfriend and I just started our physical relationship. We went for about 3 hours and I came multiple times, he didn’t until he jerked off. Now this is after three hours of sex, blow jobs, and different positions. He said it was just because he had stamina but I want to know; was it because I was bad in bed?

  • Kate Gor

    @ Ray

    My friends ex bf is like that. They were together for 3 years and he never came, only after jerking off. And she is gorgeous and really good in bed (according to the feedback from all her previous and future partners). He explained it as a sort of physical disability, but curable (according to the doctors). So he simply doesn’t come when having sex with any girl.
    You should probably investigate has it just happened with you, or he has this issue with all the girls.

  • Lee Lewis


    Your bf may be skilled at not cumming. It’s happened to me before and Sometimes I don’t bother to finish. As long as I do what I have to do and lead her to an amazing time I’m fine. I’d like to learn your bf’s skill to have that level of stamina.

  • Ray

    @ Kate
    Thank you & I will check it out.
    @ Lee Lewis
    It’s not always a good thing, I was thinking I was bad in bed for about 2 of those hours

  • Lee Lewis

    @ Ray

    You shouldn’t have. He was enjoying himself through out the whole time I bet. Maybe he could be more vocal to let you know his enjoyment. I’d still want to be able to go 2 hours and not orgasm. That’s a goal of mine. I’ll reach it haha. Do what you feel he loves and you won’t have to worry about being bad. Relax and be in the moment.

  • Ray

    @ Lee
    Thank you, I really hope you’re right.

  • Lee Lewis

    @ Ray

    Never be afraid to ask what turns him on and let him guide you on how he would like it.

  • Man

    @Ray: There is a story of a guy with a similar problem in this book by renowned urologist Abraham Morgentaler: Why Men Fake It. He’s been probably psychologically conditioned to cum outside or while jerking off. Try to investigate his habits as well, to know if he uses or used porn in conjunction with his jerking off. If so that might cause further problems on the road ahead, unless he lets go of porn and masturbation: ED and Porn. If he’s functioning, however, it means it is probably nothing serious and just some psychological conditioning of masturbation. In this case he might need let go of masturbation so as to progressively rewire his reward circuitry in his mind to real sex. This is called <a href=""rebooting. In any case, he seems to be functioning properly and is probably nothing serious.

  • Tracy

    I agree with Man in the aspects he has posted. There is also the element of not allowing oneself to feel vulnerable enough to “let go” during intimacy. It can be very hurtful to the person that doesn’t feel they are pleasing you to allow you to experience the “ultimate”. There is also a need for dominance in this scenario — “I want to do it to YOU, but I don’t want you to see/feel/experience ME letting go”. If it recurs over and over, it can be a relationship killer because it leaves the unsatisfying partner feeling defeated and helpless to make it happen. He has accountability to be mutual in the experience, so I would voice my concerns early.

  • Jordan

    To me, a girl who communicates, verbally, during sex is a keeper. Just talk a little dirty. A few hot (R-rated) keywords will really get me going. Let the guy know that he’s making you feel good, and be as loud as you want, the louder the better. If something he’s doing just isnt doing it for you at the moment, let him know. And don’t say “don’t do this or that”, instead say “let’s try this now”. It’s so negative to tell someone not to do something, and can really kill the mood.

    Like I said, let them know that you’re enjoying it. It makes a guy feel better about himself if he knows he’s bringing you pleasure, and more confidence means more frequent and better quality sex.

    Change things up. This DOES NOT just mean alternating sexual positions. It means change EVERYTHING about how you have sex once in a while. Foreplay for example. If every time you commence sex by kissing, change it up. Just get on your knees and undo his pants and start performing oral, no kissing. To some girls, this may make you feel cheap or dirty, but I’m not saying do it every time you have sex. If you can’t sacrifice a little for your man sexually, then he’ll wonder what other ways you won’t sacrifice for him. Not to mention he’ll sacrifice more for you if he’s a keeper. You give a little, you get a little.

    So, if you’re changing up the beginning, and the middle (by changing positions), then that leaves the end. Let him “come to fruition” in different places. If he’s always erupting on your tummy, or inside of you if you’re on birth control, let him release into your mouth or on your face. This is a big no-no for a lot of girls, but I have to say it’s a huge turnoff for me personally when a girl isn’t willing to at least take it into her mouth. It’s not a deal breaker if she doesn’t swallow, but if she does it’s a HUGE turn on. If she enjoys it, or at least pretends to, then I think I just found my future wife. Haha!

    By changing it up, you fulfill a guy’s instinctual need to have sex with different women. Even though he’s making love to the same woman every time, subconsciously his mind will be tricked into thinking he’s “spreading his seed”. Do not be insulted and think that I’m saying that every guy has a need to cheat. I’m saying that long ago, in cavemen times, it was ingrained into the brains of males as a survival instinct to procreate with as many women as possible, to ensure survival of the species. I do not condone cheating in any way, I’m just pointing out a fact of life that some people have a hard time coping with. Your man’s brain is telling him to have sex with as many women as possible. Appease that need by changing it up, and you’ll have a very happy, very faithful man.

    Oral is obviously a must. And act like you’re enjoying it, even if you’re not. A guy does not want to look down while he’s getting a BJ and feel like he’s making you do a chore. And don’t be afraid of receiving it, too. Just because you may find your vagina unattracive doesn’t mean your partner does! Just be thankful he’s willing to do a little work for you and enjoy it!

    Also, don’t be afraid to be a little rough once in a while. Making love is great, but gentle, innocent sex can get boring and repetitive fast. Dig your nails into his back a little, he’ll tell you if you’re doing it too hard. Nibble on his ear and neck and let him do the same. Letting him spank you can be a lot of fun for both of you.

    Now some people, men and women, are into just completely weird, freaky things. I know this from years of stumbling onto porn that I wish I hadn’t afterward. They can include bondage, anal sex, anal things in general, fisting, abuse, rape role play, things with food, and probably a thousand other fetishes. While I personally am not into any of that, a lot of people are. If you’re ever with someone with a fetish that you think is just totally out of the question, then you will most likely have to find someone else. Never feel forced into doing something that you think is totally crazy and unappealing.

    As a final sidenote, one not mentioned in the article, I would like to bring up the subject of pubic hair. My personally philosophy on the matter is to let your partner decide what he OR SHE has to look at while he’s inside you or vice versa. Girls, do not be afraid to get a full bikini wax. You may not have to look at your ass hair (yuck!) but your man does if you’re having sex the right way. (Which is many ways, including doggy style!) You may be saying, “Well, I’m not MAKING him look at it!” What else do we have to look at?! Guys, your girl probably does not want to feel like a shag carpet is hitting her in the face every time she goes down on you. Ask her if she wants the hair gone, or just trimmed, or maybe she actually likes hair, which is unlikely. Just tell her to be honest and that it won’t hurt your feelings. This goes the same for you, girls. Shave it up and keep it up. Being lazy about your pubic hair, and sex in general, can be indicative of a lazy, stale relationship.

    As I said previously, communication is key. Everyone has their limits, but if you’re not willing to push them at least a little then you are depriving yourself and your partner of complete happiness. Anyone who says that sex isn’t a big part of life is probably just inexperienced and afraid. I’m here to tell you to face your fears! You just might enjoy it. (;

  • Jordan

    I wanted to add one more important thing that I thought of after posting, and it may be the most important of all: Expectations.

    Girls, you can’t expect a guy to last for 30 minutes or longer every single time you have sex. Studies show that the average male lasts only for about 8 minutes of pure intercourse. That’s not including foreplay. Even if you’re disappointed, you have to show encouragement for your guy. Tell him “That’s okay, we’ll try it again in a little while.” Typically it only takes about 30-40 minutes at the most for me personally to be ready again. And after ejaculating the first time, your guy’s little guy will be more de-sensitized, making for a longer session and hopefully more enjoyment for you.

    The worst thing you can do is to be rude about it or make your guy feel inadequate. This can cause a mental block in his head that makes him afraid that he’ll never be able to last, which then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. This can be a vicious cycle that can kill a relationship.

    Guys who have this problem, fear not. I had a lot of trouble lasting when I was first sexually active, around the age of 17. My average was maybe 30 seconds to two minutes. Sad, I know. Like all things, experience is key, and around 18 I started to get a lot better, and at 19, I had sex for six hours once. I’ve since learned that girls DO NOT enjoy having sex for that long, and I think I did it just to see if I could.

    Most girls are happy with around 20-40 minutes, and then they actually just want you to get off because they’re exhausted and unable to have another orgasm at that point. That being said, every girl is different, and I’m just going by what I have experienced as a 24 year old who’s been with a moderate amount of women (10, I’m not ashamed or bragging. It is what it is.) and has had sex well over a thousand times (Not exaggerating. I’ve dated a few girls who really liked sex.)

    Skimming through the comments, I see some girls wondering if their boyfriend isn’t attracted to them because he lasts for 2-3 hours on average. I also see some guys bragging about the same thing. This is a classic communication breakdown between men and women. The guy thinks that he’s impressing his girl by lasting over two hours, while the woman just wants it to end after the first hour, and doesn’t have the courage to tell him.

    Guys, most girls are not impressed by your feats of stamina. Unless you’re shooting a porno, there is no reason to be having sex for over two hours. (And that would be a pretty boring porno!)

    Girls who are experiencing this problem, tell your guy that you’re not in a sex marathon! Let him know that while you may be impressed with his stamina, that it can actually start to hurt after a while, and can actually be unenjoyable if you’ve already came. He will be more understanding than you think, and maybe even relieved that he doesn’t have to focus on holding it in for 3 hours every time.

    So women, keep those expectations in check, your time will come, pun intended. Guys who are having trouble lasting, just keep at it and do it with confidence. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

  • Jordan

    I hate to add a third consecutive post, but after reading Barbie-JO’s post I wanted to comment on penis size.

    Some guys are very self-conscious about their size. The only thing I can relate that to is breast size on girls. Some guys prefer large, D-cup breasts, while others prefer smaller more petite breasts.

    What’s important is to be comfortable with your own body. If a girl is having sex with you, then obviously she is okay with your penis size. Comparing yourself to other people will only harbor jealousy and resentment.

    Girls who are dating a guy with a small-than-average penis should reassure them that they are very happy with his member. Tell him it’s big, even if you’re lying! One of the few times lying is okay in a relationship. One very, very important thing: never, EVER tell him that you’ve had bigger. It will haunt his thoughts as long as you are with him. I’ve never personally had someone tell me this, maybe because I’m above average, just under 8″ with above average girth, but I’ve had friend who have and they were absolutely devastated. Girls, when it comes to penis size, dishonesty is the best policy.

    And the same goes for guys, in a way. If your girl has small breasts (An A or B-cup, in my opinion), you can’t lie and tell her they’re huge, she knows she has small breasts. Unlike penises, which are hidden away and are not hard in public, girls see other girls with bigger breasts every day. Just let her know that you love them, show them plenty of love, which shouldn’t be difficult, and that you actually prefer girls with smaller breasts and find bigger breasts gross. It will make her feel better about herself and will certainly score you some boyfriend points.

    I’d be happy if at least one person found any of my advice helpful. I know puberty can be a hard time for most people and I could have used a lot of this advice myself when I was younger.

  • Jordan

    Relating to the actual question in this article, that guy was a total moron and he deserves to be cheated on just to see how it feels.

    In a way, I guess I was lucky to be cheated on in a previous relationship. I know firsthand how terrible that can make you feel, and I would never even think of making anyone else feel that way. It was just months of stomach-turning darkness and depression, feeling like I was inadequate and not good enough.

    But after a while I started to realize that it wasn’t me. She was just a terrible person who had zero respect for me or anyone else, including herself.

    Anonymous, you are probably a beautiful girl with a lot to offer to a lucky guy somewhere down the road. Just have higher standards for the next one. No guy should ever insult you or make you feel bad about yourself in any way. If he does, then kick him to the curb and find someone else, because while you think you may be able to “fix” him, he will only get worse. Some people just have a bad nature and will never change.

    While I do think that sex is a HUGE aspect of a relationship, love is just as important. And love means making each other feel good, and genuinely caring about the other person. In a good, healthy relationship, you should be receiving compliments as often as you get them. A good guy should not need to be told to give compliments, and you shouldn’t accept anything less.

    Also, reading further down the comments, I see some people are insulting the article, saying that “giving head is gross”, and basically blaming men for all the world’s problems.

    Well, I have a little reality check for you girls: If you don’t give a guy what he wants, he’s going to find it elsewhere. He might leave you first or he might not. I personally would leave a girl before I found someone else, but I can’t speak for every guy. But if he communicates what he wants and you don’t give it to him, don’t be surprised when he cheats.

    If you’re never willing to compromise, sexually, then prepare yourself for a series of failed relationships and marriages. And if you just plain think sex is gross, then perhaps you should just pick up a bible and become a nun. Or you could marry a closeted gay man, he’ll think sex is gross, too. Just please learn to open up and be a human once in a while, all that sexual repression will drive you crazy.

    And finally, to the people who say porn is evil and will corrupt your mind, that is the most ludicrous thing I’ve ever heard. It’s thoughts like that that make teens and young adults hate themselves for enjoying porn and causes all sorts of self confidence issues. It’s not the porn that causes people problems, it’s the people who tell them they have a problem for looking at it. It’s a completely natural thing. Tens of thousands of years ago cavemen were drawing pictures of naked women inside their cave walls. There are entire ancient cities filled with pornographic imagery and statues. Don’t believe me? Look up the Wikipedia page on erotic art in Pompeii and Herculaneum.

    Again, sorry for so many consecutive posts, but I can’t stay silent when I read complete foolishness like that.

  • Lee Lewis


    What the hell? This is not a place where you come and talk shit about your wife. Theres a reason why she doesn’t have that passion for you anymore. I guarantee she loves sex, but not with YOU. Then to say you would want to fuck your ex gf, well I assume theres a reason she’s your ex. Also if you didn’t know women are sexually submissive. That means you have to take the lead in bed and be a man for christ’s sake. Stop complaining online and take action. Look at yourself and not blame her for your shortcomings. You should feel ashamed coming on here to say that. What woman would want sex with a man that resents her so much. She knows you do. Pathetic.

  • Ana

    Hi all,

    These two comments in 2010 really resonate with me:

    “RupertKluse July 25, 2010 at 5:46 am

    This is a great article Susan! As a guy I completely agree with all six things. Although, the only thing I would add is her post-sex attitude. It is a turn off when a woman immediately covers up right after sex. I just had sex with you and now you’re afraid of me seeing you naked?? It shows insecurity when she acts embarrassed or disgusted after sex.
    58 Susan Walsh July 25, 2010 at 8:00 am

    Hi RupertKluse, welcome! That’s a good point. Covering up when you’ve just had sexual intercourse implies that you feel some kind of shame. It may be shame about your body, but it can also come across as a sense of shame or regret about what you have just done. Talk about extinguishing the post-coital glow! Also, some men have actually complained to me that after sex, especially casual sex, they would actually like to cuddle and the woman is having none of it. I think this must be women trying to maintain an emotional distance, but it’s alienating behavior. If a woman needs to pull back after sex, or as Esca said above, not even kiss during sex, she has no business being casual about sex in the first place.

    ^^^ I am no longer a virgin but my first time was rushed (we started at 7pm and he had to leave for the airport sometime early next morning) so I felt pressured to stop early and despite giving him oral sex and riding him on top and such, he was very quick to get dressed and wouldn’t lay with me to cuddle without his clothes on. He said the a/c was too cold or whatever but I couldn’t help but feel sort of rejected.

    I live far from him because of work but what does this all mean? I probably wasn’t that great in bed because I had no idea what to expect but if it felt good I let him know. Urgh the whole experience kind of chipped away at my confidence.

  • Jennifer

    This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read. Having over 20 years of experience with men and relationships let me clear things up for you. Women are completely reactive to their men. A woman can be totally in love with a man so that their sex life is not of utmost importance and will tolerate it. BUT… I’m going to let the big secret out of the bag….. are you ready???? If you don’t know what your are doing or don’t have the equipment to take care of us… women won’t be good in bed. When women are feeling good, they lose all self control and go wild. So if your women sux in bed… more than likely it’s because you do!