Dear Susan,
I am writing because I’ve been totally humiliated and I don’t know what to do. I recently found out my boyfriend had cheated on me, and I broke up with him for it. He actually claimed to want to stay together and work it out, and he acted genuinely sorry. I considered trying to make it work, but in the end I knew I could never feel the same way about him again. When I told him, he got really angry and he wound up saying that I was a “shitty lay.” I was devastated, because I always thought the sex was really good. He always said it was, and he sure acted like it was. I was a virgin when I met him, so obviously I didn’t have any techniques or anything.
After he said that, I was crushed, and confided it to a good friend, figuring she would reassure me that guys just use that as a parting shot when they’re pissed off. I was shocked when she told me that he had been complaining about my being “bad in bed” for the past year. I guess it was something he often said to his friends, and he had pulled her aside last summer and said the same thing. She tried to question him about what he meant, what was so bad, but he just said, “She just doesn’t do it for me. Her actions don’t turn me on. She sucks at sex.”
I am so embarrassed. I can hardly look at his friends. I also feel super awkward with my girlfriends. I thought I had this great relationship, and I had this being said about me. I know I just have to get over it. My real question for you is how do I know if I’m good in bed or not? What is so hard about it? I don’t want this to happen again, what should I do? I’m so ashamed.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Before I get to the practical advice part, I just want to say that is a terrible story. I’m so sorry that you have been humiliated in this way. Obviously, this guy behaved in a way that showed he had zero respect for your feelings. He sounds like a total jerk in general, and you’re well rid of him. The most important thing for you to learn from this experience is not that you lack sexual skills, but that you had a long-term relationship with someone who must have shown his true colors before now. I encourage you to go to the Best Posts page and read all the posts you can find on identifying men of good character. The most important thing is that you don’t repeat this experience, and part of that will depend on the men you choose.
OK, now to the question of what men find hot in bed. Obviously, I don’t have any real information about what your sex life looked like. There are two possibilities here. The first is that he has an unrealistic view of what to expect during sex. If he has either watched a lot of porn or had a large number of sexual partners (especially promiscuous ones), then he likely has expectations that are unrealistic about what good relationship sex looks like. That has nothing to do with you, so it’s not something you need to address. The second possibility is that due to inexperience, or perhaps a lack of communication during sex, you failed to do something that he wanted or expected. He bears equal responsibility for that, by the way.
I’ve always maintained that what a woman needs to be good at sex are Focus, Enthusiasm and Boldness. What can I say, they’ve always worked for me. However, my experience is too limited to allow me to speak with authority on this matter. I’ve done some research, and found, perhaps unsurprisingly, that this is a very popular topic on forums and blogs.
Here’s what men say are the most common mistakes that women make in bed. They are in the relative order of importance, based on how frequently they’re mentioned:
1. Passivity
Men refer to women who just “lie there” as Dead Fish, Dead Lay and Corpse. It’s not true that men just want an orifice and nothing else. Men want and need to know that the woman is really into having sex specifically with them.
“Show some enthusiasm. We want you to be as into it as we are. It makes us want to try new things and figure you out a bit.”
“The most boring thing a woman can do is not move. It’s even worse if she is totally silent.”
“Gyration is the ticket.”
“They call it bump, so bump.”
“There’s nothing worse than a chick that just lies there…might as well be doing it with a pillow.”
“Not moving her hips would pretty much kill it.”
“When she doesn’t touch you, but lets you do whatever.”
“Not giving feedback. Make some noise, something.”
You’ve got to meet a man halfway during sex. Participate.
2. Insecurity
Men lose desire for women who have no confidence in their physical attributes or sexual appeal.
“I hate it when a chick doesn’t want me to look at her body. Whether it’s turning out the lights or avoiding morning sex, my attraction for a girl takes a dive when she does that.”
“When she doesn’t trust her instincts. Some girls flop around like manatees, have all these crazy moves, think they are being so hot, but they’re a mess. It has to be real.”
“Unless it’s her first time, I hate when a girl acts all nervous or scared.”
“Any kind of worrying about their appearance. Some girls start worrying about what’s happening with their makeup. Gross.”
“A woman should learn to receive compliments. When I compliment a girl, and she contradicts it, I know the sex won’t be any good. If I tell you that you have a hot body, just smile like you know it’s true. Don’t go telling me I’m wrong!”
Feeling secure during sex has a lot to do with trust. This is one of the reasons that casual sex is very awkward and unnatural for many women.
3. Lack of creativity
Men have a strong preference for sexual variety. This is most easily met by having sex with different women. If you want a man to be monogamous, you need to find ways to keep things fresh and interesting.
“The sex is scripted – it’s the same thing each time. I’m not going to do this for the rest of my life.”
“I hate when a woman gets lazy in a relationship. It gets to be 10 minutes instead of 2 hours. It’s boring. Why bother?”
“Only wanting missionary.”
“Doggie style is always appreciated.” 
“It’s best when sex engages all five senses: touch, smell, taste, sound and vision.”
“Men are very visual. Give us something to look at. Woman on top is good for this.”
“Try something new and pay close attention to how I react. I’ll let you know if I like being touched a certain way.”
“Just do the unexpected. Men love surprises during sex.”
“Take a chance. Try something new. To be honest, if it hurts a little bit that gets me going.”
“Finding a new place to have sex always kick starts things.”
Approach sex with a desire to discover new things, and be receptive to your partner’s suggestions. If he asks for something that isn’t harmful, try it.
4. Making your needs subservient to his.
Men want women who 1) love sex 2) with them.
“Your own pleasure is the key – orgasm or bust. That’s really hot.”
“We get off on your enjoyment. Look us in the eye and tell us exactly what’s good.”
“Flip the script and get dominant. When a woman climbs on top of me and pins my wrists down that’s super hot.”
“Whatever you do, don’t fake an orgasm. It makes us both a loser.”
“I want a woman to go after what she needs.”
“I know that every woman is different. Yeah, I know where the clit is, but not how a particular woman wants me to touch it. You’ve got to say what you want. “
Let biology prevail here. The human may be the only female mammal capable of having an orgasm. Don’t waste that.
5. Lack of oral sex.
No explanation needed. It’s an important part of the repertoire for almost every guy.
“The hummer test is crucial.”
“If she won’t swallow it’s a turnoff.”
“Teeth.”
“Any kind of scraping sensation.”
“A good BJ includes more than a mouth. At least one hand.”
“If she likes giving head, or makes me believe she likes it with me, I’m psyched.”
“Don’t forget to give some attention to the boys.”
6. Rudeness
Rude or inconsiderate women will be that way during sex, so it’s caveat emptor here as far as I’m concerned. Here are examples of behaviors that are understandably off-putting from either sex.
“When she has any awareness whatsoever of her phone.”
“Texting or taking a call.”
“Not caring if I finish or not.”
“Getting oral and not reciprocating. If you won’t do it, you shouldn’t be getting it either.”
“When she acts distracted, like her mind is obviously elsewhere.”
“Bringing up something during sex that has nothing to do with sex.”
“Criticizing in a way that is not constructive.”
“Comparing me to any other guy, or referring to other sexual experiences.”
Anon, there’s lots of good stuff here. Most of the feedback from guys has to do with attitude, not any specific sexual skill. In fact, one guy actually said:
Whatever you do, don’t try the latest tip from Cosmo on touching my back door, or pulling on my balls. If you do some weird thing with your tongue, I’m also going to wonder what the hell you’ve been up to.
Guys can’t have it both ways. If you’re a virgin, you’re not a porn star, and vice versa. If you can be confident and generous in bed, you’ll learn what you need to know with a loving partner. That’s as much as any guy should hope for. A guy who demands more than that is not a keeper. But you’ve already learned that.
xoxo
Susan
Girls: Is this a source of worry? Do you feel pressured to have amazing technique?
Guys: Do you have anything to add?
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{ 102 comments… read them below or add one }
I think you touched on this a in a couple of the tips, but I’ve always found communication is key. So long as there is communication things are fine… But men need to remember their own tips. Nothing turns me on more during than if I can elicit verbal reactions from my partner. Doesn’t matter if it’s a groan, hitch in breathing, ect – I hate when men are silent grunting beasts LOL!
But unless a guy likes it, you gotta remember to keep it honest not pornish!
1-5 are somethings that always have resonated with me and it never hit me until about a month back how #6 has messed with me before. One thing I consider rude is not kissing. I had a girl just recently actually that roomed with a friend from school. When it came to get down to the business, she said she didn’t like kissing on the lips. It kinda set me back, but I’m naked at this point so I saw the job must be finished. 4 hours later and I couldn’t go. She tried to diss me to her friend saying it took me forever and I was a bad lay, but I told mi amigo straight up. Hookers don’t kiss. Prostitutes don’t kiss. Pornstars don’t kiss. You know why? Cause a kiss is a connection and they have so many man in a week they don’t want to make that physical AND emotional connection. I can’t have a good romp with a girl who can’t put her lips to mine. Like hookers and prostitutes I wonder who that chick has been with and how many that she can’t kiss. Like wtf? Plus she didn’t give oral so it is an absolute decline downhill with that girl and I. So yeah under rudeness I consider adding not kissing as something undesirable
escarondito´s last [type] ..Inception I loved the movie but
I think this article forgot about people who just innately crave sensual things. The actively and enthusiastically enjoy giving and receiving pleasure. They usually love to cook, eat, be physically affectionate, wear sensuous clothing, listen to good music regularly, bask in the atmosphere of any lovely place and just *absorb* good things. Show me somebody who’s eyes roll back into their head when they dip fresh lobster into melted butter, bring it to their mouth and not care that the butter is dripping down their chin while they chew, eyes closed in gustatory ecstasy, and I’ll show you a good lover.
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My advice is to learn what pleasure feels like in and out of bed. Seek it out. Wear silk to bed, even if you’re alone. Rub scented lotions into your skin just to enjoy the wafting fragrance on your own body later. Eat good foods that bring you pleasure (as opposed to junk foods that do nothing for your body or soul.) Bring music into your life at least once a day.
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Further, to the OP, my guess is that being a virgin, you didn’t realize that *he* was likely the bad lover in the equation and he was projecting his own feelings of inadequacy on you. Even if you weren’t that “good”, you have inexperience as an excuse and you can still learn, but he’s still an asshat.
“Also, I don’t think he acted that bad. He was genuinely sorry and had an emotional outburt after she shot him down.”
Well, it sounds like long before all that he was complaining about the sex with her to anyone and everyone who would listen (and probably even to some people who would have preferred not to have to listen). That’s pretty shitty. That would be akin to some gal telling all of her and her boyfriends’ acquaintances that her boyfriend has a small dick or some performance issue. Some things should just stay private between two people.
I don’t think it was the ending shots that were the bad part – People say things in a break up that the other doesn’t want to hear and vice versa. What the truly horrid thing was that he went around telling mutual friends for a year that the sex was bad!
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If the sex isn’t great at the start there are two options IMO.
1) Communicate better. You don’t have to have a sit down and say “Hun, I don’t like how we are doing in the bedroom. You do this that and the other wrong.” But you can give gentle tips during sex either verbal or non verbal. If movement is the issue a non verbal would be to guide the movements and show appreciation through verbal cues. If your comfortable with verbal, “Babe – It turns me on so much when you _____” I’ve used both and the sex has always gotten better.
2) If the above doesn’t work or you don’t want to go through the hassle, then get out!
No question! Not kissing? I’ve heard from women before that guys aren’t into kissing during a random hookup. Perhaps they don’t want to pretend they’re in any way invested and give the girl the wrong impression? I’ve written before that this may come from porn. I’m quite surprised a woman would take this approach tho. Definitely implies an unsavory past. Hope you wrapped it up.
Fascinating reply Vincent. I would never advise a woman to imitate porn stars. For starters that would mean going for “Anal DP” about 75% of the time. (Unfortunately, I’ve never seen porn from the 80s and 90s so can’t judge but I doubt it’s a good source for a young woman with little experience.) I will make one exception. For the best place to learn how to give good oral, check out gay porn. Just saying.
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You don’t think he acted that bad? I don’t think his calling her a shitty lay was the problem. The problem was that he’d been broadcasting that over beers for over a year. That meant that he never gave a shit, and also that he had no qualms about publicly humiliating her (not to mention causing her market value to drop for any guy listening).
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And this:
I’m sorry. He definitely feels bad about hurting you.
I think a shrink would find this interesting. It’s pretty clear who you identify with here.
Exactly. And let’s not forget that she shot him down because he destroyed the trust in their relationship. Trust that, as it turns out, was not well founded.
I think this is a good point. Most of us do far too little exploring our own appreciation of the sensual. I’ve always found sharing food sensual, but I have to say the image of the lover with butter on his chin and his eyes rolled back doesn’t do it for me LOL!
In answer to the general question, genuine and uninhibited enthusiasm will usually get you 90% of the way there. And that means enthusiasm for your own pleasure as well. The rest is just details to be worked out.
Honestly, just appreciative sounds when something feels right gets a lot across. Conversely, if something actually hurts, one can be tactful and say, “Ah, a little softer?” And making suggestions, as you say, or even proposing new things to try keeps things moving in the right direction.
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If you hate the way a person is doing something, you’re a fool to keep it to yourself. Over time it will just annoy the hell out of you. I know this from personal experience. Yikes. I hope he’s better all these years later.
Too much porn.
escarondito´s last [type] ..Everything is Practice- A Spike Lee Short
Wow, she must have been really bad. I’ve had 3 virgins, and they were all decent in bad after a little bit of training. My hypothesis is that it can be explained by comfort. She probably never got quite comfortable with him and so the sex suffered. I’m not sure how to fix that without knowing more about her personal life. I would advise her to watch porn and pick up some technique from there, but don’t imitate the dirty talk and don’t watch post 2000 porn; it’s too violent. Watch 80s and 90s porn for good technique that won’t leave you gagging and won’t have the guy thinking that you’re a paid professional.
Also, I don’t think he acted that bad. He was genuinely sorry and had an emotional outburt after she shot him down. Who knows how harsh her shooting down was? It sounds like they’re both pretty young too. I’m sorry. He definitely feels bad about hurting you.
OK, maybe not the butter on *some* chins…Darcy on food
One technique I’ve learned that helps virgins get better in bed: hold hands during sex.
Every time it feels good for her – squeeze harder. By the time she comes, it should be a vice grip. Every time he gets closer, he squeezes harder back. It’s immediate tactile feedback, it’s hot while fostering intimacy, and doesn’t require awkward moans or squeaks if you’re not comfortable enough for that yet.
Hell, many women freeze up, stop moving, and don’t make a sound for 30 seconds before they explode – guys who don’t know any better assume they did something wrong and stop there, frustrating both of them to no end.
Porn from that era is a lot more like real sex. Porn now is something between sex and boxing. It really is very different. Take it from a man who has seen a ton of porn. They actively try to make the girls cry in a lot of the mainstream videos now. I don’t even want to know what they show in fetish videos. A culture that has spawned efukt has some serious sexual problems.
But back to the issue. How close was this group of friends? He may have told one or two friends and one of those idiots blabbed his mouth to others. By the time he told her friend, it may have spread already. And I’m willing to bet he did it in hopes that she would take the hint to pull his girlfriend aside and maybe give her some pointers that he was afraid to give her himself. Can you tell I have some experience in the undergrad gossip game?
Also, It’s not like girls aren’t sharing all sorts of informating that men would prefer they kept private. From what I know of girls, you’re much worse than we are about sharing sexual details.
Challenge, that’s a really awesome idea. I’ve never heard of it, but I’m going to try it. (Now… where’s me a virgin?)
Seriously, Susan, I think you’ve pretty much hit all the most important points. The thing to remember, I think, is that every man is different. So it’s not about learning techniques. It’s about being attentive, focused, aware, and bold… as you’ve said. However, there’s one important (very, very important) technique that every woman should learn, and I’m a little surprised you didn’t mention it.
Kegels.
Plain and simple, every woman could benefit from doing kegel exercises. When I go through my list of the best lovers I’ve had, the top 5 were all kegel masters. Sex with a woman who — pardon me — might as well be a silicone sleeve is pretty boring. Women who can vary the way they feel are much more interesting. (Not to mention, mastering kegels intensifies orgasms for the woman and makes them easier to have.)
So I know you were listing things women do wrong in bed, but honestly, I consider not doing kegels to be bad in bed.
Hambydammit´s last [type] ..Slasher Films and Christianity
Probably the latter. In an environment that favors short-term sexual relationships, men will gravitate towards girls that are open to the latter. That means girls who are chaste and sexually inexperienced will fall by the wayside. I have a post in this vein that would be of interest to Hooking Up Smart readers:
http://www.inmalafide.com/2010/07/20/the-sheep-in-wolfs-clothing/
I like Vincent’s advice, to which I would add – don’t lie about your sex life to impress drunk douchebags at house parties.
Ferdinand Bardamu´s last [type] ..Video Game Friday- gamers – manginas extraordinaire- reloaded
“Flip the script and get dominant. When a woman climbs on top of me and pins my wrists down that’s super hot.”
Just one man’s opinion, but this seems like standard advice to women and a pretty standard movie scene, but it doesn’t do anything for me. Maybe if the guy is submissive? What I would say is if you try this note how powerful his orgasm is when trying something new, don’t ask him if he liked it. We always like it, but that doesn’t mean the latest Cosmo advice was what we liked.
The only way I would find that scenario really hot would be if it was in the context of her initiating sex (vs her saying “I’m taking over” after both already know sex is a given). He’s on the couch reading the paper or watching football, whatever, and she hops on top and gets everything started. But I still think a dominant guy will want to take the reins at some point in the process.
I didn’t really get the “bounce” thing. Maybe it was lost in the translation. Seems to me if she can bounce around he’s not taking much control. Or is this a lowrider car fetish? I think the key thing for several of the items boils down to knowing that she is in to it. Best case she is into it and waking up the neighbors. But if it is “cheat proof” sex then maybe lovingly rub his back, caress his hair, whisper in his ear, etc. The advice on not faking it was good, too.
Lastly, I think it was Stalin who said “Quantity has a quality all its own!”
Dalrock´s last [type] ..Random acts of kindness
Heh. The simple truth is that initiating sex is generally a good idea for women. Maybe it gets to be an issue later in the relationship, but once it’s been established that sex is part of the routine, changing the routine by initiating (especially at a different time than normal) will usually work.
Hambydammit´s last [type] ..Slasher Films and Christianity
Being inexperienced myself…I will file this all away for future reference. Having many male friends though I definitely agree that from everything I’ve heard BJs are a must. And since so many girls think it’s icky and are horribly unenthusiastic about the idea they’ve mentioned it. A lot.
reformed_tomboy´s last [type] ..Stop making excuses
Again, one of those areas where marriage actually make the entire equation a whole lot simpler. It often becomes reduced to the simple ‘presence or absence’ model. 0′s & 1′s. The programing is thus rendered much more straight-forward. This said, I like the enthusiasm bit as I do the enjoyment one too. Plenty of this is basic biology, and we forget this at our peril. We can certainly ‘over think’ the problem too on occasion. We bring back by popular request the advice of ‘Herm & Dolly:’
‘So Herm you were recalling to someone that I was a bad lay?!’ Yep Doll, it was not that as much as you just sorta just laid there. Not much was happening. Sure Herm, then the kids started coming and I had to learn to move, quick! Or it just was not going to happen. Sure as shootin’ Doll Face, I was right there with you when we broke the 4min mile! We was really moving then. ‘And you were getting it more often then, right Herm? Sure enough, and with enough practice everyone was getting better at almost everything. Well until you had to slow up to premeditate there you old codger! Well, the old machinery just ain’t what it used to be. Well we’ve got more time now to give it more consideration I guess. Now what do you want to try next, Herm? How about one of those ‘love chairs’ Dolly? But that’s yet another carpentry project you’ll never quite get around to! Let’s just pull up a dining chair here and… It’s not the same?! Well it’s right here, right now old man, so come & get it while it’s still hot!!
This has been the further semi-fictionalized lives of ‘Herm & Dolly’. Cheers, ‘VJ’
Morning sex.
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I know that some women may feel that the just woken up look is the best on them, but trust me, just have a quick brush of teeth, and go for it.
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Now granted, because of jobs, etc, it can’t happen every day, but it’s a good way to get your guy in a good mood for the rest of the day…
Oops: that should have been “the just woken up look in NOT the best on them”. Though truth be told, there’s a certain elemental aspect to it that makes it quite attractive to some of us guys…
It’s nice if the girl is on top and stares into the guy’s eyes for part of the time. Also, the lights should stay on. How can anyone see what’s going on at night if the lights are off?
Other old codger thoughts: No p0rn After 1970. This is a limiting condition, but once you see the variety out there, you’ll never regret the suggestion. And you’ll both go to bed happier, with smiles & peals of laughter too. Guaranteed. The costuming alone is enough to cause belly aches from this.
Other things heard from ‘old wives’: ‘How come your happy pills all wear out by the time I get here?’
This is the only reply: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JBfjPO7B8o
Cheers, ‘VJ’
You only get one chance to give it up the first time. It is sad to see young women give their virtue away for free to men whose character is unknown and untested.
A piece of advice to the original writer:
Don’t give it up unless you think the guy is a good candidate for marriage. It will take longer than a few dates to determine this.
That’s a good point, I hadn’t considered it. It doesn’t let him off the hook, but it’s better than ridiculing her gratuitously. I did wonder whether the friend considered telling her. I don’t know what I would do in that case. I think I would have not mentioned it, if they seemed happy. I once had a dear friend’s fiance hit on me two weeks before the wedding, and I wrestled with whether to tell her. I didn’t, in fact I was a bridesmaid. They’ve been married a very long time, and have four kids. I have no idea if he cheats on her, but I didn’t want the responsibility of breaking them up.
I’d give a limb to make his eyes roll back in his head.
That is GREAT advice! I really, really like that. Challenge, welcome, thanks for leaving a comment. You know, women love hand holding in general. We really do. It is one of the ways we discern whether a guy wants us for more than sex. (Hand holders tend to be mushier than guys who tuck their fingers into the back of your waistband, for example.)
Combining this reassuring and affectionate gesture with sexual pleasure could really make a huge difference to an inexperienced woman, I think. It’s also very generous that you take time and energy to make her comfortable and reassured.
As for the freezing up just before orgasm, yup. We don’t even breathe in that moment.
Good suggestion. I will never forget (in fact, referred to it recently, haha) the story you told about this. You had one partner that you said ruined you for all other women for a couple of years. She had such excellent control of her muscles that she could make you come while the both of you lay still. THAT is incredible. Talk about an endorsement for Kegels!
Whoa, Ferdinand, that post is wild. What on earth? I’ve never heard of that before, but I can believe it. What a sad state of affairs when a virgin pretends to be a slut to impress a guy. I do know of some virgins who have claimed they’ve had a partner or two, just to prevent guys from freaking out. (In this era of sports for women, bleeding the first time isn’t a given by any means.)
By the way, you raised another important point in that post – grooming and hygiene. I didn’t come across it when I was searching, but it goes without saying that it’s important, particularly if a woman hopes for oral. Everything I hear from guys tells me that they absolutely do not want the full bush – certainly not while they’re single or in their 20s. Some women rebel against this on principle, but I think that’s stupid. Women who understand and respect male preferences are going to have a larger number of potential mates to choose from.
The guy in that letter is a grade A asshole.
I would recommend revenge… simply tell anyone who will listen he has a tiny d…..
He will then feel the pain of humiliation and better still he will be ridiculed by his friends and no other girl will touch him.
Most blokes dont measure their girlfriends worth by how skillful they are in the sack- you had a lucky excape my friend… now start texting!
HAHAHA! I love Herm and Dolly. We’ll consider this Episode 2. Keep em comin’!
Good point – eye contact! This is super intense. One woman asked me if it meant anything that her FWB suddenly wanted a lot more eye contact. Unbroken through sex in fact, and also afterwards. I don’t know, but I’d say that indicates that something is going on in his brain. That much eye contact would kind of freak me out!
It certainly will. Excellent advice. A quality guy will actually appreciate waiting. Plus is ramps up the sexual tension something fierce.
I would recommend revenge…
I shouldn’t do this, because I wouldn’t actually advise revenge. Not that the guy doesn’t have some blowback due, but in the end this stuff always gets messier and doesn’t work out as hoped.
But strictly hypothetically if I were her and going for revenge, I think I would ask just one girlfriend very hush hush for technique advice and swear her to secrecy in advance*. As she’s busy sharing her favorite tricks, work in a few very innocent questions with wide eyes and a straight face (pick 2):
What is the polite way to ask “is it in yet”?
What should you do when they start crying after sex?
That technique makes sense, but how can you do all that in just 2 minutes?
Sex is great I guess, but how do you get past the whole sores on the penis thing?
*This gives you plausible deniability, a greater sense of credibility, and still guarantees everyone will know (you told it to a girl friend).
Dalrock´s last [type] ..Random acts of kindness
I wouldn’t stoop to his level by trying to get even. How many good guys are attracted to vindictive girls?
That said, he’s a total jerk. I agree with Susan and the other posters who say that the inability or unwillingness to communicate accounts for most of the ways that a woman (or a man) could be blameworthy for poor performance in the sack. And it’s a two-way street. If your partner never tells you what they want then they shouldn’t feel entitled to get it.
Silence aside, what I find most annoying are attempts at communication that aren’t constructive. Telling a partner that (s)he is “doing it wrong” or not “doing it like everybody else” does not help him or her. It’s better to say, “please do x” than it is to say “why do you do y, because that’s totally weird.” Even the Whore of Babylon had too few partners to be truly representative, so unless you’ve memorized the Kinsey Report, you shouldn’t presume to know common practices from weird ones.
My question is: were you interested in a long-term relationship with this girl, or in more than just an extended hookup? If yes, it’s understandable that you’d want that kissing connection. If no, why do you feel the need to have that connection?
This would not even be an extended hook-up. This was a one night stand and we both knew it. Like I said before, hookers, prostitutes, and porn stars don’t kiss. You don’t kiss I have all rights to assume you are one of the three. Plus she gave no oral. Kissing during sex is the difference between having sex and having intercourse. One is between two people one is a clinica P in the V. That was P in the V sex. Completely no fun at all.
escarondito´s last [type] ..Everything is Practice- A Spike Lee Short
So if it’s just a physical act, you’re both getting off & you don’t care about the other person really — why do you need the connection? It’s selfish if you think about it, if you’re encouraging that sort of bond with a normal girl when you have no intentions of seeing her for a long period of time. It sounds like this girl gave you exactly what you give other one-night stands.
“So if it’s just a physical act, you’re both getting off & you don’t care about the other person really — why do you need the connection?”
Like I said before, I’m not sure what is confusing about it, and I’ll say again. Hookers, Prostitutes, and Porn stars don’t kiss. Maybe I implied it but I’ll state it explicitly. I don’t ever and have no desire to have sex with a Hooker, Prostitute or a Porn star. I’m a giving dude. Even if this is a one night stand, why would you want it to suck? If you don’t think kissing is involved in great sex then we are clearly on different wave lengths. Having no kissing is a clinical, boring, unsatisfying version of the old “in out”.
“It’s selfish if you think about it, if you’re encouraging that sort of bond with a normal girl when you have no intentions of seeing her for a long period of time.”
I don’t feel it is selfish at all to want to create a connection. We are creating a connection for that night. If she is woman enough to want to have a one night stand then have a proper one night stand. But, she wanted to demean herself to a hole. I can’t have sex with that.
“It sounds like this girl gave you exactly what you give other one-night stands.”
Really? You haven’t looked at any of my posts then. To give the equivalent I would have to stay in missionary, pump to orgasm, and roll off to the side and go to sleep. I wouldn’t really get girls if I acted that way don’t ya think? Every girl a man has sex with is an emotional connection. You have to feel something to have sex with a girl. The difference is we can have that feeling for one night.
escarondito´s last [type] ..Everything is Practice- A Spike Lee Short
I hesitate to post this, but I was moved by your story & thought I’d share the broad outline of an analogous situation of my own. My assumption is that part of your embarrassment derives from his betraying you this part of your life. If it’s helpful, fine; if not, leave it.
…
Well, a past girlfriend–when I was the definition of a “beta” (makes me want to cringe)–wanted a more physical relationship. For a number of reasons I didn’t want to make that commitment and preferred to continue getting to know one another. She, at least, knew what she wanted and publicly dumped me. One day later she very publicly–by which I mean very, very publicly–got that part of the relationship that she felt was missing. Because of her, people knew that she broke up with me because I wouldn’t, couldn’t, or didn’t perform. Really messed around with what I thought was right and wrong for a while.
…
I never set the story straight. Some people always thought of me as a sad sap, but I learned very quickly who my friends were. That’s the only good thing that comes out of these experiences.
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Miss Walsh is not saying this–and I don’t take anyone to be saying it–but I would add that it’s not a good idea to go out an “learn” from this by racking up notches. For most men–at least my friends–a “wife” has a low notch count. Shallow? Maybe. Reality? Yes. So, inexperience should have been–to a good man–charming, at the very least. And no man I’ve ever met talks about his intimate life. He may let his boys knows he’s getting some, but that’s it. Anything more is low class.
…
I always wonder how/why people worry about their sexual inexperience. I regret holding hands with that girl, much less anything else. If I could erase all my “experience” tomorrow, I would. This stuff isn’t jujitsu.
…
“What should you do when they start crying after sex?”
Hilarious.
A couple months ago I had a guy dump to me and never talk to me (like completely ignore me) because I was bad at oral and it was my first time. He asked if it was my first time, I didn’t answer him, and then he made me feel horrible about it. I was one of my worst experiences and I cried and felt soo sick.
It’s unfortunate when women get hurt after a one-night stand, or when they feel used. But this is not the fault of the man. A woman who goes into it knowing exactly what’s up has no reason to cry foul later. Women must take responsibility for their own emotional health. Many guys enjoy some intimacy in a casual encounter – they will spoon, want to sleep entwined, even do two hours of pillow talk in the morning. Women often make the mistake of thinking the guy finds them special, when in reality no commitment or expectations have been exchanged. If a woman wants or needs to know what to expect from a sexual encounter, it’s up to her to make the effort to understand how men think, and then to specifically ask the man she hooks up with.
I don’t think you did anything wrong here. I think she sounds wacked. If a woman is having sex but avoids the intimacy of kissing, I don’t know why she just wouldn’t go the AAA battery route.
Guys do seem to love morning sex. Sunday morning sex is the best of all. I agree with you about bed hair. If it’s messy but not sticking out in some weird way, it’s sexy.
Living well is the best revenge. That’s not a cliche for nothing. If she started badmouthing him in bed, it would be transparent and pitiful. I think the best revenge she could get is having a fulfilling sexual relationship with a higher quality guy next time around. It’s bound to get back to him, and he’ll feel threatened by it.
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The other problem with revenge is that it makes the person enacting it feel crappy. It’s impossible to move on if your focusing on making the ex jealous. She should focus on making herself happy instead.
Just my opinion, and I’m not saying if the opportunity to make him miserable falls into her lap that she should resist….I just would hate to see her focus on this guy in any way.
HAHAHAHA! Oh man, if done subtly enough, that would get around in one weekend.
PJL, it’s generous of you to share that story. I’ll second your suggestion not to go out and get sexy with a bunch of guys to “show him.” I once heard a guy say that he was super relieved his new girlfriend, who he was crazy about, was terrible at giving a blowjob. It proved that she was not this girl:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tpQqH4H_SUQ
P.S. From here on out, I hope everyone will call me Susan. I know I’m older than everyone else, but Miss Walsh or Ms. Walsh makes me feel like a teacher.
What a douche! All I can say is that if he wants a pro, you are so much better off being cut loose. I know that doesn’t really help, but seriously. Making a girl feel bad because she hasn’t blown 50 guys? You didn’t ask my advice, but I’m going to just suggest that before you do that again, make sure that the relationship is 50/50. Not just you servicing the guy. You will enjoy it more, and therefore be better at it, if you are relaxed and secure in the relationship. In terms of how to: check out youporngay.com. Honestly, if those guys don’t know how to do it, no one does.
It is also nice if a girl uses her hands while they are doing it. For example, if they are doing is missionary, she could grab the guy’s butt, hug him, or touch his face or chest or something.
@PJL
For most men–at least my friends–a “wife” has a low notch count. Shallow? Maybe. Reality? Yes. So, inexperience should have been–to a good man–charming, at the very least. And no man I’ve ever met talks about his intimate life. He may let his boys knows he’s getting some, but that’s it. Anything more is low class.
Outstanding comment overall, but this point jumped out at me. What strikes me is that once you run all of this through the double standard filter, the results probably aren’t what the reader was thinking will happen.
Her reputation as a girl guys want to be with wasn’t ruined by rumors that she is bad in the sack. Quality guys will be a bit put off at hearing anything about her and the other guy sexually, so she will take somewhat of a hit there. But if she leaves it be and acts with grace it will fade over time. And the pump and dumpers won’t be deterred because guys aren’t that way. They don’t rely on the opinions of others to determine attraction. I don’t think women can believe this but it is true. So whether she wants a quality guy or to be passed around the bar, she’ll be ok (but she really should choose which she wants).
He on the other hand might take a much bigger hit. By lowering her value with gossip he shot himself in the foot regarding pre selection. Plus he now has a reputation for embarrassing girls about sex. I’m not a woman but I’m guessing the latter might throw some cold water on his close rate. But I’ve been surprised before.
Dalrock´s last [type] ..Random acts of kindness
Ah, face touching is good. It’s very personal. Stroking or cupping someone’s cheek is very intimate, and that would be super powerful during sex. Hey Kurt, I think you’ve got it goin’ on!
Quality girls like the one that wrote to me will be totally put off by this guy’s telling tales out of school. Depending on how attractive/socially dominant this guy is, promiscuous girls will be eager to “rock his world” and get the good press they assume will come with that.
You didn’t ask my advice, but I’m going to just suggest that before you do that again, make sure that the relationship is 50/50.
Excellent advice, and I’ll add some further unsolicited advice.
He clearly wasn’t a nice guy. So next time look carefully at what a guy is really like before you get anywhere near that kind of intimate with him. Don’t beat yourself up, but also don’t have the mental story that “he tricked me” or “how could I have known”. If you don’t acknowledge your own power to choose then you won’t be able to exercise it. And the choices you make now will influence the kinds of men you will find yourself attracted to moving forward. If you develop a taste for bad boys, that is ok so long as you are ok with that and honest with yourself about what that really means. But given how much this hurt you, I’m not convinced you are cut out for the bad boy world (and that is a good thing).
One more thought, and I hesitate to say this but I think it is important. If you do decide to change course and start looking for good guys, make sure you don’t hold the bad results from your previous choices against them. When you meet the man of your dreams, make it a point not to decide you can’t do certain things with him because of hurt caused by poor choices you made in the past.
Dalrock´s last [type] ..Random acts of kindness
I just want to add that I really feel for your situation. That had to be an absolutely awful experience. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
Dalrock´s last [type] ..Random acts of kindness
This is a great article Susan! As a guy I completely agree with all six things. Although, the only thing I would add is her post-sex attitude. It is a turn off when a woman immediately covers up right after sex. I just had sex with you and now you’re afraid of me seeing you naked?? It shows insecurity when she acts embarrassed or disgusted after sex.
Hi RupertKluse, welcome! That’s a good point. Covering up when you’ve just had sexual intercourse implies that you feel some kind of shame. It may be shame about your body, but it can also come across as a sense of shame or regret about what you have just done. Talk about extinguishing the post-coital glow! Also, some men have actually complained to me that after sex, especially casual sex, they would actually like to cuddle and the woman is having none of it. I think this must be women trying to maintain an emotional distance, but it’s alienating behavior. If a woman needs to pull back after sex, or as Esca said above, not even kiss during sex, she has no business being casual about sex in the first place.
I’m not going to lie..I had a feeling he was a “Bad boy” based on the way he was acting in the beginning but I felt his behavior was changing and he was acting nicer towards me. But now I know that was just a lie to get laid…he probably knew it wasn’t working before so he had to convince me he was a “good guy.” And no..I didn’t want to do it and was pressured into it. I told him I thought it wasn’t the right time and I wasn’t ready. But you know what? He didn’t care. And I think I wanted to keep him so badly that I just did it. I haven’t had many relationships and I’m young so like..I don’t know- maybe I liked the attention and liked having a boy “like me.” It just sucks and I’m going back to school soon and have to see him.
My advice to girls. NEVER let a guy pressure you like I did. I always thought this wouldn’t happen to me but when you get in that situation of being in the same bed with him the chances increase and increase. If you say no you are coming off as being a tease when ..I don’t believe I really meant to at all. I LOOKED like the bad guy when I believe it was him and I felt I had to do it to prove I wasn’t a tease.
I have alwwayssss liked cocky, bad boys but I’m really going to try. I think there’s something wrong with me but whenever a guy is like too nice I ignore them and walk away and then when a guy teases me and is flirty I love it. I need to get out of this pattern!!!
I think this is always difficult when you have that kind of pressure. I’ve walked away from situations – one guy I was dating and a few guys just sort of hitting on me type deal – cause they wouldn’t leave me alone. They can think I’m a tease all they want but I’ve always been up front about where I stand on issues and they can deal with it or leave. It really serves to separate the good from the bad I find. It’s not always super romantic to pull back in the middle of a drunken make-out session and be like ‘this is as far as it goes’ but then I know there’s no miscommunication.
So i fully agree with you – never compromise on something you feel strongly about. Stick to your guns. I would rather have the guy say I’m a tease and call me names or whatever then to do something I don’t want to do in that context. It shows his maturity and what an asshole he is if he does something like that.
reformed_tomboy´s last [type] ..Thats Life
That’s a good idea. I’m glad you are determined to resist that kind of pressure. Take more time to get to know people. A good guideline is that a guy who is willing to wait until you are ready is not going to be a bad boy. He may not have the smooth moves of a player, but that’s a good thing.
Having said that, it will go much easier for you if nice guys show up to flirt and tease.
One thing that works is to teasingly put the guy on alert from the start. So when a guy says “Can I come over?” at 2 am, don’t say “I’m tired,” say “Sorry, I’m not a 2 am kind of girl.” If he asks you to come over and watch a movie, you can jokingly say, “Um, yeah if that’s not code for hook up.” Put the onus on him to reassure you that his motives are good. Men expect that, at least quality ones do.
There are ways of signaling your standards early so that no matter what happens, you can never be accused of being a tease. Of course, you have to be consistent. You can’t say these things and then dry hump on his bed the first time you hang out.
I haven’t looked at your other posts. It’s good you don’t, but a lot of one-night stand guys do exactly what you said: missionary, pump to orgasm, then roll over & fall asleep. I guarantee that’s what she was expecting — shitty sex and really only wanted to get off.
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“If she is woman enough to want to have a one night stand then have a proper one night stand. But, she wanted to demean herself to a hole. I can’t have sex with that.”
Why not? You’re pretending at the connection anyway — it’s not real — the person is a stranger. And she might have a definition of a one-night stand that is exactly that: a hole and a penis that results in each of you having a technical orgasm with no feelings involved. It sounds like she’s deliberately protecting her feelings, and I definitely don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. You were upset because it doesn’t fit with your definition of a one-night stand. But you don’t know her well enough to know what you’re getting beforehand. I mean, if you want a guaranteed amazing kissing connection every time, don’t have one-night stands, or at least don’t complain about it when the other person isn’t on your wavelength.
This doesn’t make sense. If she expected shitty sex, why would she even proceed? Shitty sex of the jackhammer variety followed by snoring is less fun than riding the NYC subway during a hot summer evening rush hour.
Furthermore, shitty sex won’t get her off. That’s why it’s shitty.
My own guess is that she wanted purely technical sex, preferably of the Cirque du Soleil variety, and she wanted to be in control. It was a poor match for Esca, who undoubtedly will run for the hills the next time a hookup refuses to kiss.
I am a virgin. If and when, I may have to try this, haha. That sounds like a great tip.
Teleprompter´s last [type] ..Leviathan
It’s true and I’ve been lucky in that whenever I do find myself in a drunken situation where the guy may be thinking hook-up possibility – it’s usually someone who has known me for awhile anyway so they already have an idea of my boundaries and they’ve always been good about it.
reformed_tomboy´s last [type] ..Thats Life
Teleprompter, it’s so good to hear from you! Thanks for stopping by. If I recall correctly, you’re quite young – still in college? Don’t say IF. Say WHEN. Focus on the girls that are sitting out the whole hookup scene – they’re out there. And yes, I think this kind of behavior during sex cements the emotional connection, the support for your partner that is so important, especially when they are inexperienced. Two people who are equally inexperienced will figure it out just fine!
Isn’t this whole thing a little bit like when women get upset after a 1-night stand because the guy didn’t commit? Even though she’s not a hooker or porn star, being in a one-night stand means she has exactly the same incentive not to kiss that they do. It’s casual sex. Caveat emptor.
escarondito said that it makes him wonder how many guys she’s been with, but shouldn’t her willingness to engage in a 1-nighter have made him think about that already, if it was a problem for him? That seems like a bizarre concern to have for a 1-night partner.
Yes, I am about halfway through college right now. Things are currently on the up and up on that front, actually. I will let you know how things go. I have done a lot in the last year socially, and I’m feeling much better currently, even if what is going on now with a good friend of mine doesn’t quite work.
Ever since I started doing acting and improv, I have felt just so much more confidence in who I am and in my ability to express myself. People say if you learn how to act in a different way, you’ll change who you are, but I disagree. I believe that only by learning to act in a way that overcomes your insecurities, defensiveness, and anxiety can you accurately convey the person you really are. I’ve felt rather that when I was closing myself off from people, I was already acting differently, but rather not in an accurate way!
Teleprompter´s last [type] ..Leviathan
Everything you say here makes a lot of sense. Here’s the thing: Esca is really a sheep in wolves’ clothing. Even in his one-night stands, he’s a sweetie pie and he wants to cuddle and connect. He’s happy to move along the next day, but he doesn’t want encounters that reek of emotional distance and the perhaps unfortunate truth that they’re just using each other. Because, let’s face it, casual sex is a masturbatory act. Nothing else is really possible with a stranger – any emotional display must be false.
Esca needs to be in a LTR. That is his true nature. Not all of his hookups will be this disturbing to him, but it’s evidence he should note. He’s very young – 22 or so, I think. And he is most definitely not a man who wants to have sex with zero kissing.
Sounds like she turned the tables on him and it freaked him out – for four hours.
I’ve done a great deal of acting, and I agree with you. Acting doesn’t change who you are. Through learning to act and portray a wide variety of characters, you learn a great deal about your true nature. It’s also just a great experience learning to get up in front of other people and give a performance. It’s an incredibly generous act on the part of the actor. An improv is so freaking scary – honestly, if you can do that, can make yourself that vulnerable, you’re in great shape.
BTW, I was already married when I started acting, but it was a veritable minefield for romantic drama among the singles. Stay with it.
Okay, semantics again. Shitty sex = my definition of shitty (ie, no connection). Susan, you basically said what I said, that she was after a technical orgasm. And the Deuce said the same thing — why is that kissing connection important for a one-night stand?
I want casual sex to be like phenomenal meaningful sex. I can’t have it both ways I guess.
escarondito´s last [type] ..Everything is Practice- A Spike Lee Short
“I’ve heard from women before that guys aren’t into kissing during a random hookup.”
You don’t kiss a whore.
“Furthermore, shitty sex won’t get her off. That’s why it’s shitty.”
Gynocentricity, good start. Now throw in some shaming language and I win the pot…….
“It was a poor match for Esca, who undoubtedly will run for the hills the next time a hookup refuses to kiss.”
YES! Two points!
I don’t know. I think it’s a powerful instinctive behavior. Speaking biologically, it serves the purpose of testing DNA compatibility. I think it takes a lot to separate kissing from sex.
Isn’t gynocentricity (which I assume means caring only about your own orgasm?) a prerequisite for casual sex? Casual sex is one step up the ladder from the Fleshlight/Rabbit alternative. It’s masturbation with a second pulse in the room.
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Where is the shaming language? I totally support Esca in this complaint about his hookup’s failure to kiss. If I were Esca, I’d run for the hills if a hookup got just weird and unenjoyable like this one did.
I don’t think that view is exactly shared by the majority of men hooking up. Nearly every hookup starts with a makeout session.
So true. I dealt with a guy’s constant asking of late night “movie watching” by saying, maybe after you hang out with me in the daytime” He stalled out, I walked away without looking like a tease, and after a week, he and i actually did hang out in the daytime. and it went horribly on both ends (very differing politics/world views and not in the fun combative way) and volia. problem solved
granted i learned this after having many bad almost hookups where gossip was spread that i was a terrible kisser, a blue-baller and many worse things. Live and learn.
Speaking of hookups, though not terrible ones, I cannot stop thinking of your leaving that flip flop behind! It cracks me up every time. I’ve decided it’s a modern day Cinderella story.
4 hours lol. I’m not a quitter. It was a challenge in my eyes.
escarondito´s last [type] ..Labelling
new to blog: I agree with Verie…she was protecting herself and just looking to get off, sometimes casual sex with a stranger can be hot, sometimes it can be blah, or just plain bad. Sex doesn’t have to be “emotional” to be good. The no-kissing rule girl was perfectly and safely within her rights. As Esc said earlier, he wanted his cake and to eat it too….good for her, lame on you.
I’m struggling to understand how I am being consistently looked at as lame on this issue.
She wanted to lay there and be pumped, either she was nervous or that’s all she wanted but still, wtf is that?
Maybe I should clarify. In my type of passionate sex there is kissing. I want a one-night stand to be full passionate sex.
Her idea of a one-night stand is to lay there, let me do my thing, and be done with it. Uhhh?
Still don’t get how I’m the lame? Cause she gina tricked me into a bad lay? Well, clap, clap, bravo for her then. Cause the way she pulled every other girl in the club away from me earlier in the night, I expected her to take out some jealous aggression all night long.
escarondito´s last [type] ..Scritp-a-thon- Day 17
I don’t know if anyone will read this on this old thread but there’s a huge gorilla in the room that hasn’t been mentioned in comments I don’t think, or if it was, not mentioned much.
It’s hugely attractive to guys with sexual experience when he can make a girl easily or fairly easily orgasm. Especially from vaginal intercourse, whether warmed up first with oral or not. Now a whole lot of this is how turned on the girl is by the guy, and how much she’s able to surrender to him. For some girls that requires deep love; for others not. (I don’t think the later makes the girl a slut; she might not have acted on it too much out of relationships but it does make girls more inclined to be sluts in the current feminist atmosphere.)
How much she can surrender to him is something a really skillful experienced may lover can certainly help along greatly with an inexperienced for virginal girl. But it’s also true that some girls, a minority, have deep hang ups with transferring trust. And most flavors of feminism hardly helps this partial (or more than that) power exchange even “in the bedroom”.
However having said all that, I think there are real never and brain wiring and hormonal differences between girls as to how high their sex drives are. Many girls find theirs increases a lot in the middle twenties on out, and peaks in their early or mid thirties. Teen girls get all kinds of attention whore rushes from the power of their budding equipment over post pubescent guys of all ages, but most don’t have really high sex drives. Some do though.
So anyway, if she can vaginally orgasm, which some reports say only about 30% of women can (though that may often be partly their partner) it’s hotter, and if she can’t orgasm at all even clitorally with him, or only can after a terrifically slow build up every t time, it’s simply less hot. Virgin girls with inexperienced partners or experienced ones who aren’t good, loving and patient teachers, shouldn’t be worried about this.
These things even if they don’t yield to great technique and a compelling male sexual heat aren’t necessarily fatal with the right guy for this, but they’re less hot. Just like a very small penis on a guy is, unfortunately for him. (Though real size queen fetishing is almost certainly almost all psychological and heavily porn influenced, given that almost all vaginal nerve endings are within two inches of the surface.)
@Doug1
First, of all, I agree about size queens. It’s all cultural. There really are very few nerve endings in the vaginal canal. However, a long penis hitting the cervix is quite painful. There is most definitely such a thing as too big for women.
Second, the numbers for the ability to orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation are around 20-25%. There is no such thing as a vaginal orgasm – if the clit is near enough to the vaginal opening, intercourse may stimulate it enough to bring about orgasm. Studies show that women whose clit is more than 1 1/8 inch from their vaginal opening will not come via intercourse. FWIW, the best and most reliable way to bring a woman to orgasm is via oral sex.
I just read through this all and found it extremely useful. I just lost my virginity to a guy who has had a Lot of experience and obviously knows what he likes. He said it was bad and reading this helped a lot. I just have a question though, i agreed him giving him oral and vice versa and I also am not the type to lie there the whole time so any hints on why it might not have been as good for him as it was for me?
Someone has to say it; SIZE does matter. I’m in a unique position in that I was part of a sex study in which I had sex with 100 new lovers over the period of a year. I saw and heard everything and sometimes had to keep from laughing when guys tried to lay it on like they were some porn star or Casanova. Aside from knowing how to kiss (which is a big giveaway as to how good a guy will be in bed)m they have to know how to take control and make me feel “taken.” Penis size is such a touchy subject, but after having had 100 new lovers (some first time virgins) I can say, a longer (7-8″) and thicker girth (6″+) is the best. It stretches the interior muscles and can reach the back where the deep internal orgasms are triggered! I have had lovers where I lost count of my orgasms after 20 and others who could only get me off one time orally before pumping me for eternity only to have me feeling relieved when they finally had their orgasm.
Larger visually attractive penises (no curves, no weird bends, circumcised, etc.) with a thick “helmet head” tend to draw us to them. I love sucking a large thick cock more than a small thin one. I’ve had 4″x4″ all the way to 11″x8″ and there is such thing as TOO MUCH too! My favorite size is beween 7 and 8 inches with a roch hard 6″ girth. My husband is 8″x6″ and maybe I’m spoiled and expected too much. He was part of the sexual study team and approved so I was not sneaking around. I’m a 32 year old MILF and everyt one of the guys expected me to be a wildcat in bed so I really pushed myself. Some wanted me to take them orally first and bring them to orgasm that way (what is it with the whole “girls have to swallow thing anyway?) and I always swallowed them. I would immediately begin pushing them to get erect again so we could make love right away and that caused a lot of stress for men. Intrestingly enough I found that men with smaller penises got hard a second time MUCH faster than the largely endowed guys did.
Overall I and all of my friends prefer a larger penis that gets rock hard and the guy can potentially orgasm and ejaculate twice to make me feel very sensuous and good in bed!
Thanks for reading my blather,
Barbie JO
Orange County, California
I found that as a virgin I was nervous and afraid to try things because the first guy I ever fooled around with criticized everything I did. He was used to loose girls and was far from a virgin so everything I did was sub-par. Her ex sounds like as big of an ass as mine was. However, with an older, more patient, and more mature partner I was able to learn how to do all the things I was curious about but always too afraid to try. Turns out I didn’t hate to give blowjobs…the fear of messing them up (and yes, that is actually possible) kept me from attempting it…along with other things. As a woman, we want to please our lover (and I’m sure the same is true for the opposite sex)…but it’s okay to say that you’ve never done something or aren’t sure how…ask for guidance. I find that while they are explaining it to you, the verbalization of what you’re doing turns them on as much as what you’re doing.
Late to the party. To the OP – i only have one thing to say.
You did nothing wrong…. .HE’S A F((*#)ING IDIOT. He pisses me off and makes my blood boil. Stupid knobjob.
Here’s the thing. If he actually cared, he would have talked to YOU about it sensitively. NOT his or your friends.
This is the problem that chaffes me to no end in this day and age of internet and social networking and communications devices coming out of everyones ass and YET…
If he had a problem with the sex he can only blame himself. You were a virgin, you’re scott free. You aren’t a preprogrammed robot that can dance a pole 3 months after gestating. I just finished this point in another post earlier today about taking the time to communicate with your partner ESPECIALLY if your partner is inexperienced. No two people will enjoy or be able to do the exact same sexual act with the same delivery, tone or mechanical motions. Patience, trust and honest open communication, and a fun sense of discovery.
Don’t you dare feel sad or cry, don’t you dare.
I wanna go kick this knobjobs face into the curb.
@Bea
Thanks for those words of support for less experienced women! I agree – with a loving partner it’s not difficult to find ways to please one another as long as you’re willing to talk about it. And yes, talking about it makes it more exciting!
While nobody is born a perfect lover and it’s okay to learn, I think her ex was of poor character. It’s not your fault, OP. I don’t care what anyone says. Communication is key here. My experience is that men and women who cheat didn’t bother outright telling the woman what they needed from her. If these conversation occurred, then there could be a solution. If your partner is seure, they won’t mind getting feedback and learning. In order to grow, we have to accept that we aren’t perfect.
I always told my ex that “If you feel like you’re not getting enough sex or you feel that something could be improved, let me know.” I put it out there to help my partner feel comfortable to bring up the topic. As a woman, there are times when I’m too tired or stressed. I don’t want to be this way, but I put it out there to build communication and find ways to help create the mood when one of us isn’t…..
I just don’t like giving head. I used to be really good and I halfway enjoyed it. I was even amended for swallowing which wasn’t a big problem for me, but now…I just don’t enjoy it as much as I used to and I feel bad for not being into it.
Probably don’t enjoy it now because of your experience. If you’re with someone who really cares for you and works to please you sexually, you’ll probably be more than happy to return the favor, especially if he’s like me and REALLY enjoys a good bj. You’ll feel so damn powerful and sexy making the poor guy squirm like crazy. Just listen to what he likes, employ your own style. You don’t have to get back on the horse right away.. just don’t write if off altogether.
All in due time.
@Anonymous
Lots of women are not really into it, but do it to please their partner. Wouldn’t you do that enthusiastically for someone you were crazy about?
RE: Esca’s situation – it’s possible someone may not want to kiss because (they’re embarrassed to say that) either they have a small cold sore, or they think they have bad breath, or they think that the other person does? I mean, no one can accurately guess what her reason was, we can’t read another person’s mind. Maybe she was involved with someone else and didn’t want to be emotionally cheating in her mind or something / or couldn’t. Maybe she thought you had a cold sore but didn’t want to mention it. There are many possible things.
RE: being concerned about technique in bed …. it all comes down to someone being comfortable with themselves, their partner, and the two of them engaging in good communication skills. Respect, courtesy, consideration, acceptance and trust are necessary on both sides, whether it’s a one night stand or LTR. Otherwise it shouldn’t be happening. Neither partner should be engaging in anything they’re not comfortable with, or pressuring the other person to do anything – if either of those things are happening, consider that perhaps the sex shouldn’t be.
I personally came across the Youtube channel & website for http://dodsonandross.com/ which I found immensely informative for virgins & experienced non virgins alike.
How for anyone to be good in bed? Know your own body & what you like first & foremost and be able to communicate that in some manner, positively, constructively – show or ask or tell, whatever works for you & your partner at the time.
RE: DVDs/videos people have mentioned, I would check out sex education books & videos (how to’s / tips) first before I would ever refer to porn, porn most often involves *staging* for the camera – acting and makeup & a story – not reality.
Learn from: articles / tips / FAQ’s posted on healthy sex websites such as GoodVibrations in the US, and ComeAsYouAre & GoodForHer in Canada.
RE: mention of some women not liking giving oral sex – there are the usual things one can consider that may help make it more appealing for a partner, such as for example: the man can shave or trim; he can wash/shower himself properly; he may have an infection or redness that needs addressing / has been neglected that’s an instinctive turnoff – healthy body parts are much more appealing; consider flavoured lubricant from the sex shop; try more foreplay before oral sex ; try another position for oral sex that she may find more comfortable; by all means touch her hair, next etc. while she’s going down on you and refrain from forcing / pushing her head toward your goal.
4. Making your needs subservient to his.
Men want women who 1) love sex 2) with them.
Susan, that is the heading for #4 but then each of the anecdotes (except one) listed are about pleasing her, her having an orgasm. How is that making your (her) needs subservient to his? Sometimes, it does need to be all about HIM. And sometimes it does need to be all about HER. It doesn’t have to be perfect 50/50 each and every single time.
In fact the about him / about her should even go as far as having the one tell the other exactly what they would like to have happen to them. And the giver should give it freely and happily, because if things are done correctly in the relationship, then the return “favors” should be just as good.
That poor woman. What a total jerk; her friend should have told her sooner.
Learning to be a good partner in bed takes a lot of practice. Not necessarily with tons of partners, but with few that you feel comfortable with. Your story reminds me of a similar experience I had. I was with a guy who told me the sex was good, but after we broke went around telling people that the sex was awful- even though it wasn’t to mutual friends I found out and it was really upsetting. He should have told you why he wasn’t pleased with your performance (esp. after a year together he owes you that much), and given you a chance to learn and try new things. The fact that he said you were bad and still was sticking around with you for a year shows that he’s a coward.
Bottom line: sex takes time, trust, and comfort with the partner your with. For future relationships, keep this in mind. And in the mean time, think about what makes you orgasm, what turns you on. Try masturbation, explore your sexuality- some of the above mentioned posts are right. Both men and women like partners who are confident with themselves and their bodies to try new things. And if it is not working- speak up.
Hope you have tons of great sex coming your way. Just remember to be safe.
I think what the girl Here needs is a bit of confidence boosting. I actually think it was not nice at all for her friend to be so blunt and go in to so much detail. Shows that people gossip tho. Agree about the communication problem. but confidence in yourself which would be Very hard to get over after this esp if you might not have friends who might help is going to be hard. i like the sensual ideas for feeling good in yourself. to just talk about sex tips – well i think they are good – but that’s not just what she needs atm. we don’t know all the details from this letter. it gives information and things to think about but is she really going to 1. feel like sex or doing these things now 2. have her confidence boosted and possibly act this way/do these things if she doesn’t feel like it, esp if its now confirmed she is ‘not good in bed’ by other people’s standards?
This is, by far, one of the best discussion threads I’ve seen on this type of situation. I’ve been in this situation before (not the public bullhorning of intimate information), but have definitely been on the receiving end of expectations in the bedroom.
I agree with the whole notion of “due process”. Everything takes time and each person has to work to pleasure of the other at their own pace.
All I can say is that I have a gf of 16 years and she’s always been boring as hell in bed. She will never change and I’ve tried everything. I tell her she’s attractive, I love her and all that. We’ve talked about it outside of the bedroom, I’ve bought her sexy clothes, I’ve suggested everything I can think of and it’s still like shagging a sack of potatoes every time. I could tell before we got to bed exactly what would happen and in what order.
Like any man I have turned to porn and have realised that I actually enjoy doing it myself more than going through the motions with her.
I have a house and child now so my advice is make sure that yours isnt a crap shag before you find yourself in my position. I won’t cheat so I’m stuck for the rest of my life.
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