Swearing Off Players, Once and For All

The Soul of a Player

Dear Susan,

I’m a nineteen year-old college sophomore, and at school I have found myself to only be attracted to alphas. Just so you know, I’m very independent and driven, both in school and work. I don’t drink much because I like to be in control of my own behavior. In other words, I’m a serious person, not someone who is looking to party and hook up every weekend. Just so you know, I’m a virgin waiting for the right relationship.

The summer before I started college, I friended a bunch of fellow freshmen on Facebook, including this guy named Joe. He messaged me and we started talking. I thought he was really cute, and pretty soon we were talking every day. He was going to be playing lacrosse at school, and of course I’ve always found athletes intriguing. He was funny and interesting but I could tell he was a player. I started to have feelings for him even though I knew it was stupid. When I met him in the fall, sparks flew. We made out once, which I thought was OK because we had been talking all summer, and I felt like I knew him pretty well.

Pretty soon he had a reputation as a total player. I had never been one to be dicked around so I pulled away. Nobody really knew about our little past, and as his reputation as a manwhore got around, I laughed with the crowd. I disliked him and was mad at myself for ever thinking he was cool. We were in one large class together, and after a couple of months he started waiting for me in the hallway. He texted me more and more, and after a while he started trying to make plans to hang out. My feelings for him were creeping back in, and my friends thought I should give him a chance because behind the manwhore there was a nice guy.

We went out a few times and one night he confessed how much he liked me. He said he hadn’t felt that way about anyone else at school, and he begged me to be his girlfriend, so I said yes. The next weekend we spent the day in the city and had a great time together. By this time finals were approaching. I didn’t hear much from him during that week, which I thought was odd, but chalked it up to the stress. I was hurt that he barely said goodbye when we left for winter break.

The day after Christmas, he texted me that he was done. I learned that some girl he had dated briefly in high school wanted him back. She renegged, though, and he called me to apologize. I spent the entire rest of break in agony over this idiot, who told me that girls are stressful. He expected us to be back together at school, and was annoyed that I wasn’t all over him. I was extremely angry and upset, but I had such strong feelings for him and we made out. Soon I heard that he had been telling everyone I gave him a blowjob, which was not true. When I tried to confront him about it he was “too busy” to talk. The next weekend he was all over another girl at a party, and even came up to me and said he can always get another girl blah blah blah.

We have many mutual friends, and over time we fell into a sort of friendship. He wanted to talk all the time about what a jerk he was in the past, and how he is trying to change his ways. I know better than to believe him, but the old feelings are still there, I just never admit them. We hung out over the summer sometimes, and he was always sweet and a really good friend. One night he mentioned that he needed a date for some dinner, and invited me. He acted like a total jerk that night, though. He later told my friend that I didn’t seem that into it. Since then he’s been kind of rude and distant. I’ve seen him once on campus, but he avoided me even when we were in the same room.

I absolutely can’t figure out why I like him or how to get over him. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t like me, or more importantly, why the hell I like him! I want to move on, but school has started, and I know I’ll be seeing him around a lot. Please shed some light on what I should do!

Sara

Dear Sara,

First of all, I give you credit for having the objectivity to know exactly what’s going on here. You aren’t deluding yourself about the kind of men you find attractive. Nor are you harboring unrealistic expectations about what Joe can offer you. For the past year, you have stayed strong and maintained your dignity. You have been played by Joe, it’s true, but it could have been a lot worse. In fact, while you continue to struggle with feelings of attraction and sexual chemistry, there’s little doubt in my mind that Joe leaves a string of broken hearts in his wake wherever he goes. You sensed from the start that Joe was a player, and it didn’t take him long to prove you right.

In my view, not all players are created equal. There are varying degrees of player behavior, and what separates them is generally the degree to which they knowingly deceive women. Some guys are born with considerable natural attractions. They’re good looking, conforming to society’s ideal for male beauty. They are often, though not always, athletic. They are generally gregarious, and seek the limelight. They’re often fussed over by their parents, who benefit vicariously from their sociability and athletic prowess. When a young man has had this experience growing up, it’s hardly surprising that he would attract others – both women and men. His character determines how he relates to others, and what his relationships look like. In my experience, players fall into three general categories with respect to character.

Player I

The most benign kind of player is the guy who knows he is good with women, and considers himself lucky. He is among the most desirable males, and enjoys the privileges of his rank, but he isn’t out to hurt anyone. He may be a genuinely good man who is responding to his good fortune. He grew up knowing how to please, and has smooth moves. Two generations ago, this young man would have “gone steady” with a pretty girl, and enjoyed the envy of his peers due to his regular access to sex. Today, he is free to hook up with as many women as his calendar allows, within reason. Often, little effort will be required on his part. He is naturally socially conspicuous, and he need do little more than respond to the sexual aggression of young women. He does not promise women a relationship, or imply a future connection if he knows that he is not interested. He is the only player who may be perfectly friendly the weekend after a hookup, even as he has his arm around someone new. He has nothing to hide, and nothing to be ashamed of.  Women will know him for his high number, but not for his douchey behavior. This makes him somewhat dangerous to women, because they may feel that he would be the perfect boyfriend if they could get him to commit. Men who learn how to be successful with women, and apply their knowledge ethically also fall into this group.

Player II

More common is the player who adopts a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” approach. He will generally be evasive about his friendships, relationships, history with women, etc. He understands that most women would prefer a relationship, and his goal is to get in and out before drama ensues. Drama is likely with Player II because he leads girls on and implies an emotional investment on his part when there isn’t one. Indeed, this type of player is often pursuing several women with this strategy at the same time. His goal is “multiple,” so he must juggle the rising expectations of women and manage the rumor mill so that his supply of sex with any one of them is not cut short. His goal is to maximize his sexual variety and experience, and he has little concern for the pain of others. Many of the men who fit into this category are not naturals, but have worked their way into the ranks with attitude and determination. Here you will also find the naturals who did not develop good character, either due to a lack of proper instillation of values, some kind of family dysfunction, or both. He’s best avoided, and is known for hurting women. However, he often has good guy friends, who will assist him by reassuring young women that he’s a great guy. He often misuses his friends, having them advocate for him with women, convincing everyone that this time he really, really likes the girl.

Player III

The worst possible sort of guy to get involved with, this player is an all-out cad. He has no inhibitions about lying to get what he wants, and has zero empathy for the women who fall into his trap. In fact, he enjoys ridiculing and demeaning his conquests. He may profess feelings of love and pursue a woman ardently, only to turn on a dime and lose interest overnight. He may be incredibly charming, but can turn ugly in his demeanor when challenged. He is manipulative and narcissistic. The worst of these players are true sociopaths. Men who dislike or even hate women, usually due to some early personal experience, generally fall into this category if they have natural or learned womanizing abilities.

In your letter you cite the following player behaviors by Joe:

• After building up what seemed like a promising start to a real relationship, he made out with you after weeks of daily conversation, only to arrive on campus and whore around, ignoring you.
• His manslut status was obvious enough that it became a source of jokes among fellow freshman.
• He made no special effort to communicate for two months.
• Suddenly, he was all about it, texting frequently, waiting for you after class, etc. As you opened your heart, he responded by acting legit, even offering a committed relationship.
• Almost immediately, he withdrew emotionally, though he was not honest about it. You were anxious about things feeling “off.”
• He texted you “I’m done” the day after Christmas.
• You learned that during the time he was your boyfriend, he had been having conversations with an ex, and probably hooking up as well.
• He came back and apologized only after she rejected him.
• He was peeved in January that you were not unconditionally focused on him.
• He lied about your sexual activity.
• Within a week he was hitting on other girls in front of you.
• Actively seeking revenge, he confronted you to make sure you knew he could get another girl.
• He feigned emotional depth in talking to you as a friend about his whoring past.
• When he brought you to a function as his date, he was rude and inconsiderate, but blamed you.
• He continues to punish you by being rude and incommunicative, hardly the behavior of a friend.

In my opinion, this track record definitively gives Joe Player III status. He’s incredibly selfish and manipulative. In fact, you know what? He’s ugly. He’s hideous. He’s a terrible human being. That’s how you get over him. The only way to get past falling for assholes is to look clearly and honestly at who they are, beneath the surface. The charm and chemistry that you feel is really just bait. It’s not real. It doesn’t indicate a person who is genuinely interested, or interesting, or fun, or caring. You’ve followed that path, and it was a dead end. When you look deep into Joe’s soul, there’s nothing there for you. There’s nothing there for anyone. Some players will settle down as they age, and will probably make good husbands and dads. This is most likely with the Player I’s. Some Player IIs will do this as well, but I would be very wary of committing to a man who had ever behaved so selfishly, even when young. Player III’s are unlikely to ever give their hearts to anyone. They will continue to seek conquests and validation throughout their lives, continuing to lack empathy and displaying a complete lack of relationship skills.

The way you get over Joe is to recognize him for the villain he is. Your friends meant well when they gave him the benefit of the doubt, but they were just rationanlizing his behavior because they care for you. Underneath the surface of Joe’s charm and beauty is a toxic soul. I congratulate you for having kept your distance physically from Joe. It will make the next weeks and months easier. Because you have mutual friends, and will be forced to see him, I recommend that you assume an attitude of complete indifference.

In the meantime, I suggest that you make a list of the qualities you are looking for in a man. Dig deeper. Recognize that at best, the men you find most attractive have strong incentives to remain unattached and maximize sexual variety. At worst, they exhibit poor character. Open your mind to new possibilities, but do not compromise on what a man is made of.

You’re offering a lot more than sex to a potential partner. You should expect the same in return.

Recommended Further Reading:

What Women Really Love About Bad Boys

How To Make Sure You Don’t Fall For a Player

This is What a Good Man Looks Like