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Athol Kay Knows How to Get You In the Mood

As many of you are already aware, Athol Kay recently published his first book, The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011. For about the price of a movie ticket, you can learn what eluded even Sigmund Freud – the answer to the question, “What do women want?”

Kay isn’t the first to understand the nature of female sexuality, but he is the first to apply this knowledge to marriage in this particular way. As a blogger who frequently hears from both women and men who would like to improve their sex lives, he recognizes the difficulty that many married couples face in revving up and sustaining attraction for one another. Masters and Johnson may have highlighted the state of Americans’ sex lives, but Kay has laid out a concrete plan for improving them.

As the initial sexual frenzy of falling madly in love dissipates after a few years, women in particular may find their libidos ebbing. Kay is well aware that sex may be an afterthought, or even avoided, by women in particular, especially once children enter the family. I can certainly relate to that, and have had many conversations among my own friends over the years, commiserating that our husbands want sex too often.

I recall one occasion when I’d had a manicure and had chosen a dark, glittery maroon shade called In the Mood. My children were young then and I looked forward to spending that evening at Book Group with about a dozen other women. One of them admired my nails and asked me what the name of the color was. I shared it, waited a beat, and then said, “And I’m not.” Everyone laughed uproariously – there wasn’t a woman present who was in the mood, then or most nights. We were stressed out, exhausted, and sex had become a chore for many of us.

It’s a common practice in marital counseling for the therapist to suggest making sex a priority by scheduling it. Wednesday Night is Sex Night! If you can swing the expense of a sitter and date, that’s ideal, but either way it’s common for therapists to suggest pulling out your Blackberry and scheduling sex. The problem with this approach is that very often women feel less than enthused. If they wanted to have sex, there wouldn’t be a need to pencil it in. And if they need to write it down to abide by the commitment, it’s not something they’re looking forward to. It’s a Catch 22 for women, and the men are stuck, having no idea how to reignite their wives’ desire.

Enter Athol Kay. The beauty of Athol’s approach is that is makes husbands sexy to their wives again. By learning how to inspire and sustain attraction, largely by displaying masculine, dominant traits, men can throw aside the Blackberry and cut to the chase by being sexy. The beauty of this approach is that women only have to follow their own cues – when hubby is suddenly hot, being tired is not a dealbreaker. Suddenly, we’ve got a second wind!

Married Man Sex Life was written for men, but I found it chock full of insights that helped me understand my own nature. Reading Athol’s book, lots of things that I’ve never figured out, or even been aware of, suddenly made sense. It’s a highly informative and entertaining read. Read it to understand your own sexuality, read it to understand what you really want from your husband, and read it so that you can casually recommend it to him by exclaiming that this guy has figured out how husbands can get a lot more sex! (That should do the trick.)

MMSL is equally applicable to any long-term relationship, by the way. It deserves a place on the nightstand whenever your sex life could use a boost. Athol Kay has written a book that can put smiles of satisfaction on a great many faces.

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  • Benjamin Fox

    So, basically, this book is female Viagra realized and doesn’t require a prescription.

    …why isn’t this in your ‘recommended’ wheel?

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Benjamin Fox
      Yes, the book is Game layered onto a LTR/marriage, and I really like the mix of alpha and beta traits that Athol prescribes. He is one of the few Game writers that recognizes the female need for comfort in a relationship – and that comes from the beta side.

      It is in the wheel, of course! You may have to spin the wheel if it’s not front and center on your screen.

  • http://www.marriedmansexlife.com Athol Kay: Married Man Sex Life

    Thanks Susan, much appreciated.

  • http://theprivateman.wordpress.com/ The Private Man

    I recall one occasion when I’d had a manicure and had chosen a dark, glittery maroon shade called In the Mood. My children were young then and I looked forward to spending that evening at Book Group with about a dozen other women. One of them admired my nails and asked me what the name of the color was. I shared it, waited a beat, and then said, “And I’m not.” Everyone laughed uproariously – there wasn’t a woman present who was in the mood, then or most nights. We were stressed out, exhausted, and sex had become a chore for many of us.

    What I put in bold face is a huge issue. That your friends laughed uproariously puts the nail in the coffin. Imagine, they supported you in your lack of desire for physical intimacy with your husband.

    Why is that funny?

    Perhaps it’s time to spread the meme of “A sexually satisfied husband is a better father”.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Private Man

      That your friends laughed uproariously puts the nail in the coffin. Imagine, they supported you in your lack of desire for physical intimacy with your husband.

      Why is that funny?

      You misunderstand me. We were not laughing at our husbands, but at ourselves. Mothers of young children, especially in the first year of two of their lives, have naturally diminished sex drives, as our attention goes into caring for our young. There is some evidence that the male is also flooded with oxytocin during this time, enabling him to wait it out. I believe it’s unusual for marrieds to enjoy a great and fulfilling sex life during this stage. So really, we were commiserating, and there was some palpable relief in the air that we were all in the same boat.

      Women feel guilty if they don’t desire sex with their husbands, and have little control over it. Once again, we see that attraction is not a choice. The truth is that most husbands will benefit enormously from not “waiting it out” for too long. It doesn’t take much to flip that switch back on again for women, but it does require that the man exercise sexual leadership.

  • http://www.marriedmansexlife.com Athol Kay: Married Man Sex Life

    Not for nothing, but the comfort building is straight from The Mystery Method. Why I’m one of the few Game writers in the manosphere that thinks comfort building is good is beyond me.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    Athol, that’s a puzzle for me as well. I think there are two primary reasons for this:

    1. Many guys writing about Game are not focused on relationships, so the sexual conquest is the be all and end all.

    2. Many guys learning it are anxious to turn over a new leaf – from beta to alpha. They don’t consider, perhaps don’t want to consider, that their beta side is OK and even desirable to women. They should, because it’s the layering of traits the makes a man the whole package.

  • Workshy Joe

    Athol wrote:

    Not for nothing, but the comfort building is straight from The Mystery Method. Why I’m one of the few Game writers in the manosphere that thinks comfort building is good is beyond me.

    PUA lingo defines it thus:

    “The middle stage of seduction in the Mystery Method, where the girl is already attracted to you and the interaction requires more trust and rapport.”

    The reason that “comfort” is not even a consideration for the average man in 2011 is that most of us are so heavily socialized that it is already second nature.

    No-one had to teach me how to give Jane a hug or smile at her. Rather, I had to learn how to stand up to her and not take her shit when she was busting my balls.

  • Workshy Joe

    They don’t consider, perhaps don’t want to consider, that their beta side is OK and even desirable to women.

    “Beta” isn’t the right word there Susan. “Human” might be a better word.

    PUA Lingo:

    Beta Male is a term that comes from social biology and ethology. In animal hierarchies, there is often an alpha male who is the de facto leader of the group, who has first pick when it comes to food and mates. The beta is usually second in line, and will sometimes assume the role of alpha if the current alpha dies.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Workshy Joe
      Many threads have run off the rails over the alpha/beta debate. I don’t adhere to PUA lingo on this concept, nor does Athol. Since humans don’t follow the wolf pack model, and there is no limit on alphas, I think it’s reasonable to investigate the whole range of traits that produce success in a relationship.

      By the way, animal biologists have found that even in communities where there is only one alpha, e.g. some primates, the beta males choose not to fight him, but often seduce the females while the alpha male is preoccupied. Going to back our human forbears, these would be the men who stayed behind during hunts to protect the women and children. No doubt they fathered many offspring that way.

  • CSPB

    Practical Female Psychology for the Practical Man
    includes information on the Lover-Provider Dichotomy. It seems to me that this is similar to the Alpha & Beta traits that Athol discusses. The Alpha is the Lover and the Beta is the Provider. Women need and want both for the long term. The Alpha gets her and the Beta keeps her. A man needs both aspects in a successful LTR.

  • GudEnuf

    If they wanted to have sex, there wouldn’t be a need to pencil it in. And if they need to write it down to abide by the commitment, it’s not something they’re looking forward to.

    People procrastinate enjoyable things too. (pdf) That’s what the gift card industry is built on.

  • StrikeforceMorituri

    While I have downloaded MMSL to the Kindle I have yet to read Athol Kay’s book but am looking forward to it. As a single guy i’m sure it feeds a different target than myself, but I’m sure there are pointers to maintaining LTR’s with different women.

    I think a lot of men lose that “IT” factor after being with their spouse, or LTR because they get comfortable with the fact that they have someone in their life that they can finally let go and be themselves, unfortunately I think that they forget about the fact that they should always maintain the chase (attraction) that you woman seem to need and love.

    In many cases when women get their nails done and I notice (which I always do) I always make an effort to tell them that I like it and that it’s a colour that gets me going, In this case I let her internalise the fact the fact that her nails make her sexy to me, hence she’ll feel sexy and maybe she’ll act on it.

    I like the use of the term sexual leadership I’ll have to keep that in the back of my head at all times when i’m with my women.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @StrikeforceMorituri

      I always make an effort to tell them that I like it and that it’s a colour that gets me going, In this case I let her internalise the fact the fact that her nails make her sexy to me, hence she’ll feel sexy and maybe she’ll act on it.

      I like this. Having a man respond with sexual interest is definitely something that women will sit up and take notice of – it’s certainly a better strategy than not being very aware, or not bothering to comment. That goes both ways – women should vocalize their appreciation for their men regularly. I have found this is the small thing that brightens my husband’s mood at home more than anything else.

  • Anonymous

    I agree with the above comment from StrikeforceMorituri that making a woman feel sexy when she is with you, will make her want to show you more of her. Knowing that you truly, madly appreciate certain things about her body/outfit/behaviors will remove her inhibitions and will make her want to impress you even more.

    A male friend of mine told me a story of how he once let a female friend of his demonstrate her new clothes after she had gotten back from a day of shopping. He must of been good with his compliments, because apparently the demonstration turned into a striptease and something more.

    -Florence

  • Stephenie Rowling

    People procrastinate enjoyable things too. (pdf) That’s what the gift card industry is built on.

    That will explain why I only finish my stories when I have a date to do so. I love writing but for some reason I procrastinate it a lot. Thank goodness there are literary contest because I usually use their deadline date to finish my stuff regardless if I ended up sending it or not.

  • Julie

    It’s interesting that no one seems to be talking much about the impact of male circumcision on the sex lives of both men and women. Websites like “Sex as Nature Intended It” assert that foreskins make a big difference. That website is quite graphic, in an attempt to be educational. Maybe this is what lies behind the mystique of the “Latin Lover” and Alte’s love of German men?

  • Workshy Joe

    @Susan: I still maintain that its confusing as hell for men to hear about the wonders of beta-tude and how chicks dig “beta traits” in men. Its the wrong word.

    Affection and rapport are not the same thing as submission, passivity, supplication or ass-kissing. They don’t involve taking orders or taking shit. In short, they’re not beta.

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    “I like this. Having a man respond with sexual interest is definitely something that women will sit up and take notice of – it’s certainly a better strategy than not being very aware, or not bothering to comment.
    .
    Only (obvious) caveat – the guy has to compliment from a non-needy/non-pedestalizing frame.
    .
    “That goes both ways – women should vocalize their appreciation for their men regularly. I have found this is the small thing that brightens my husband’s mood at home more than anything else.”
    .
    Men spend most of their day up against people who want to criticize and judge them. It blows my mind why wives think men have any interest in that at home. Just a few enthusiastic “thanks, honey!”s can make a huge difference. Remember Gary Neuman’s survey of male cheaters found that the number one reason men had affairs was feeling unappreciated at home, and he relayed anecdote after anecdote of married men who got fed up with coming home from work and immediately being besieged with a list of faults and complaints.

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    “Only (obvious) caveat – the guy has to compliment from a non-needy/non-pedestalizing frame.”
    .
    IOW, he’s telling her she pleased him instead of being an orbiter. Been seeing way too many Facebook photos of women these days with guys (and girls) posting Hugo Schwyzer-esque “You look beautiful!!!” comments.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Badger

    I figured any guy who says “that color gets me going” is displaying a strong frame. A needy orbiter would be more Hugo-like, as you say. “Your nails look really pretty.” *gazes adoringly*

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    “I figured any guy who says “that color gets me going” is displaying a strong frame. A needy orbiter would be more Hugo-like, as you say. “Your nails look really pretty.” *gazes adoringly*”
    .
    That’s a great way to show the contrast. The man is framing it as pleasing to his sexual side. The needy wuss frames it all about her.

  • http://www.yesmrsrobinson.com Mrs. Robinson

    “Women deeply in love and in the early phases of passion, who feel that their partners desire and worship them, are more likely to have easy orgasms. For some women, the state of security offered by a committed relationship or marriage can allow the brain to reach orgasm more easily than with a new person. As the orgasm subsides, waves of oxytocin cause a woman’s chest and face to flush because the blood vessels expand. A glow of contentment and satisfaction surrounds her. Fear and stress are blocked. But how this all happens remains a mystery to men. Every has had the experience of lying in bed with a guy who asks, “Did you come?” Often, its just hard for him to tell.”

    –From “The Female Brain” by Dr. Louann Brizendine, M.D.

  • GudEnuf

    The slutwalks are coming to Susan’s hometown! I bet she’s excited.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      I can hardly wait. I may go down there and take some pics.
      Stephenie is right, this is hilarious:
      slut walk

      FUCK VICITM BLAMING!!!!

      And what is that graphic? Is that a man’s ass? Or just a feminist one?

  • Stephenie Rowling

    Heh did you read the sign? Sluts can’t spell victim. So funny and fitting :p

  • http://www.thoughtsfromtheboonies.blogspot.com Jason

    Well it looks like it’s wearing suspenders, so given the market demographic… obviously a man.

  • david cox

    there is a level of biological determinism here that i find disturbing…eg. “once again, we see that attraction is not a choice”….that’s the paradigm?…the beauty of being a human animal is that we have the wherewithal to modify biology by choice…you can release happiness chemicals in your brain by willing a smile, make yourself unhappy by frowning intentionally…using your will to modify your responses is a personal responsibility and people really do have the ability…but most of what i am reading here just assumes/suggests/requires that another take responsibility for it….

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @david cox
      Not at all. Women may find men attractive, but activate the cerebral cortex and keep their distance. Women of character and the ability to delay gratification will sort through the attractive men, i.e. the ones who are sexy, and disqualify the men who are unlikely to make them happy.

      In a marriage, if the man loses his sense of direction, the attraction will often dissipate. No matter how much the wife wants to be attracted to her husband, she cannot will it to be so. He must actively attract her. This is the male’s responsibility. Her responsibility is to select the male for commitment, and then give 100% to that relationship. Many women do stay with husbands they no longer find attractive, but many divorce. Athol is giving men a treasure map to getting back that sizzle.

  • david

    ok….thx….i admire your motives here….please may women rule the earth!…re:”she cannot will it to be so”….lol….sure she can!…’she’ desires it to be so; takes a few breaths and recalls in detail the last time she felt horny for the guy….presto!….it’s desiring it to be so part that is the stickler….most people would rather find a scapegoat; “it’s HIS evolutionary responsibility, to make me want me to want him so he doesn’t dump me coz monogamy is understood by modern science to be the optimum gene-enhancement strategy, AND, i used my character/cerebral cortex to select him for mansuetude”….lol….yours truly…..how do i change my monicker and add pic?….(first time blogger =me)

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @david
    You can add a pic by going to gravatar.com and creating a profile. You should be able to log in here and use any name you wish.

    You misconstrue my meaning. Attraction is not a choice for either sex, but both sexes should override the hindbrain to make good choices when there are red flags present.

  • david

    the terms “revving up”, “sustain”, and “inspire” all imply choice…..”he must actively attract her” implies female acquiescence to male choice….so, the “game” answer to Freud’s question is that females want males to manipulate their hindbrains?

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  • david

    http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/25/magazine/25desire-t.html?pagewanted=all…….”Talking about how her research might help women, she said that it could “shift the way women perceive their capacity to get turned on,” that as her lab results make their way into public consciousness, the noncategorical physiological responses of her subjects might get women to realize that they can be turned on by a wide array of stimuli, that the state of desire is much more easily reached than some women might think. She spoke about helping women bring their subjective sense of lust into agreement with their genital arousal as an approach to aiding those who complain that desire eludes them.”…….catering to narcissism is counter-productive to the evolution of the human psyche

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    david brings up a good point here. If you spend your days thinking up ways to rationalize and rebuff your husband’s advances, you’re not going to be as into it when the mood might try to worm its way into your tingle. Whereas if you think positively about your marital sex life you are going to be just a bit more “up” for it. No sane person would say a woman has to do it when she’s not in the mood every time; but a few concessions to your man’s drive might help you get in the mood faster when you do want it.
    .
    Why Athol says to “make sex instead of not sex the default option.”

  • david

    women are in fact turned on by a much wider array of stimuli than men but there is a culturally induced and condoned disconnect between their subjective and objective experience….they don’t know their own responses!…moreover, most don’t seem to WANT to know, it being so much easier, (and more powerful?), to fall back on antiquated gender roles, ie ‘it’s the male responsibilty to actively attract the female’….so her 100% commitment to LTR is to drop a ‘how to turn me on’ book in his lap!…lol…i would be willing to bet that the tactile stimulation and sexy colour of the manicure created an unacknowledged sexual response, one that could have been shared with the husband….ironic

  • Stephenie Rowling

    No sane person would say a woman has to do it when she’s not in the mood every time; but a few concessions to your man’s drive might help you get in the mood faster when you do want it.

    You probably are not familiar with the surrender wife movement. But she addresses the idea that wives should accept sex all the time, because no wanting to have sex doesn’t mean that you cannot get wet and aroused by your husband’s stimulation once you are accepting it. Feminists don’t like this concept at all.

  • david

    @stephanie……..i think wives in general in this culture would have a hard time with this concept since it gives up sex as a commodity in the way they have come to rely upon

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    “there wasn’t a woman present who was in the mood, then or most nights. We were stressed out, exhausted, and sex had become a chore for many of us.”
    .
    With my previous lady, I was getting a lot of “I’m too tireds.” I decided to test if it was a test or excuse or really exhaustion. So I started making my move right after dinner. Mission accomplished.

  • daffyyd

    male sex drive peaks in the morning, female in the evening with the median being 4PM……perhaps an enlightened culture would schedule things so that the genders could be together late afternoon….ohh!…NOW i understand ‘siesta’!

  • daffyyd

    hi again from the post-er formerly known as david!

  • http://forgetfulmuse.blogspot.com/ Thag Jones

    not wanting to have sex doesn’t mean that you cannot get wet and aroused by your husband’s stimulation once you are accepting it.

    Totally true. It’s like wake-up sex that you couldn’t exactly consent to, but it still feels damn good.

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    “You probably are not familiar with the surrender wife movement. But she addresses the idea that wives should accept sex all the time, because no wanting to have sex doesn’t mean that you cannot get wet and aroused by your husband’s stimulation once you are accepting it. Feminists don’t like this concept at all.”
    .
    I must admit this philosophy makes about as much sense as elimination communication. The man’s job is to be reasonably attractive to his wife, her job is to be reasonably attentive to his sexual needs (including no strategic witholding), and vice versa. There’s plenty of room in there for some legitimate “I’m tired tonight,” morning vs evening, and “now flip over”s. A statutory “shall issue” policy on poon is not necessary, nor is turning marital sex into a big power play.

  • http://www.yesmrsrobinson.com Mrs. Robinson

    More men than women complain about the quantity and quality (with stress on quality) of sex within a marriage. Game is for men who cannot deliver in the bedroom. Do you really think PUAs are delivering mind-blowing multiple orgasmic pleasure to their women? Their main concern is getting a 5 minute blow job and then bouncing.

    Listen to your woman, do what she wants, where she wants, and in with the rhythm that she wants, and she will be following you around like a lost puppy begging for me.

    Everything else is just “filler” for guys haven’t gotten her addicted to the D. And sure, if she really likes or loves you she will rationalize, “well, he makes me feel good in other ways and he’s so funny….” blah, blah, blah.

    See her for what learning how to sexually please a woman can do to her brain;

  • http://www.yesmrsrobinson.com Mrs. Robinson

    And yeah, good d*ck will make you wanna slap somebody!

  • daffyyd

    fascinating!…thx….i spent the decade of my thirties making women come and i learned things….one, that female desire is passive, selfish and directly proportionate to male desire for them; two, that gratitude and loyalty in women are ephemeral; the moment that male desire flags she will start complaining about hairs in the sink and off-load responsibility for mutual attraction to him exclusively; three, that on the whole, women are just TERRIBLE in bed, in doing anything active……..9 of 10 treated my cock like a shovel handle; if and when i gave gentle instructions on how to please me they were offended…..

  • meowww888

    i love athol!

  • Bob

    “2. Many guys learning it are anxious to turn over a new leaf – from beta to alpha. They don’t consider, perhaps don’t want to consider, that their beta side is OK and even desirable to women.”

    Men don’t consider that because they have learned that being a beta man is the root cause of their difficulties with women. It’s easy to figure out if you put yourself into the shoes of any beta man.