1. Preparing to bid Girls farewell.
Just one more episode left, I’m so bereft. I offer thanks to brilliant illustrator Kyle Hilton for designing four pages of paper dolls suitable for framing!
From Vulture at New York Magazine:
As the first season of Girls nears it conclusion, we the public are forced to imagine a world without a constant source of television controversy and information about “the stuff that gets up around the side of condoms.” What will we argue about now? To tide you over until season two, Vulture’s Kyle Hilton created a series of Girls paper dolls — complete with party dresses, pixellated dick pics, and an accidental crack pipe — to help keep the debate alive at home.
Hit the link for printables for all four of your faves. Now if only Kyle Hilton would do the guys!
2. You Are Not Special
David McCullough, Jr. a high school teacher in Wellesley, MA, recently peppered his commencement address with declarations that none of the graduates is special. His “downer” speech has garnered national attention. An excerpt:
You are not special. You are not exceptional.
Contrary to what your soccer trophy suggests, your glowing seventh grade report card, despite every assurance of a certain corpulent purple dinosaur, that nice Mister Rogers and your batty Aunt Sylvia, no matter how often your maternal caped crusader has swooped in to save you… you’re nothing special.
Yes, you’ve been pampered, cosseted, doted upon, helmeted, bubble-wrapped. Yes, capable adults with other things to do have held you, kissed you, fed you, wiped your mouth, wiped your bottom, trained you, taught you, tutored you, coached you, listened to you, counseled you, encouraged you, consoled you and encouraged you again. You’ve been nudged, cajoled, wheedled and implored. You’ve been feted and fawned over and called sweetie pie. Yes, you have.
…do not get the idea you’re anything special. Because you’re not.
As someone who has often spoken out against the Self-Esteem Movement that took hold in the 90s and insured a Participant trophy for every boy and girl, it’s a shame he couched his speech in these terms – rather harsh for a celebration of real achievement, at least in some cases. Towards the close of his speech, he delivers his message in a more palatable format, but that part has been mostly lost in the media cacaphony:
You see, if everyone is special, then no one is. If everyone gets a trophy, trophies become meaningless. In our unspoken but not so subtle Darwinian competition with one another — which springs, I think, from our fear of our own insignificance, a subset of our dread of mortality — we have of late, we Americans, to our detriment, come to love accolades more than genuine achievement. We have come to see them as the point — and we’re happy to compromise standards, or ignore reality, if we suspect that’s the quickest way, or only way, to have something to put on the mantelpiece, something to pose with, crow about, something with which to leverage ourselves into a better spot on the social totem pole. No longer is it how you play the game, no longer is it even whether you win or lose, or learn or grow, or enjoy yourself doing it… Now it’s “So what does this get me?”
The thing is, I’m sure that Wellesley High School did graduate some extraordinarily high achieving kids, special kids who will probably go on to do some very interesting things. What we really need to do is distinguish and reward those kids whose self-esteem is built on real achievement, while witholding positive reinforcement for just showing up.
3. You Might Be Hawking Products in Facebook Ads Without Your Knowledge
Last Valentine’s Day, Nick Bergus found a product on Amazon that made him laugh out loud. It was a 55 gallon drum of personal lubricant. He hit the Facebook Like button and quipped:
For Valentine’s Day. And every day. For the rest of your life.
Before long, Facebook had turned it into an ad, paid for by Amazon. Nick found his profile shot and “endorsement” appearing all over Facebook, and many of his personal friends and acquaintances noticed as well. Awkward.
Apparently, in the fine print of the terms of service around “Like” – ing something on Facebook, you’re consenting to hawk any product you like if Facebook deems it profitable.
This is yet another way you can compromise your reputation to a potential employer or institution. And it’s yet another reason to hate Facebook.
{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
“You are not special”…
This guy is going to get excoriated for telling a simple truth. It would have been great if had said “you are not special snowflakes”.
Terrific post! I love the Girls dolls (just realized that their names all allitereate!) and share your sorrowthat the season is about to end.
I also love the Wellsey commencement speech and the cojones on the guy who made it! I’ve made the same point, including the rather pithy “if everyone is special, no one is special” point in those exact same words in staff meetings at every institution that’s employed me over the last two decades. It’s not the way to make friends and influence people.
You gotta wonder if maybe the current slacker epidemic isn’t a result of kids who’ve been fed this bullshit realizing that they really aren’t as special as people say they are and giving up rather than trying to meet unreasonable expectations.
The your not special guy is my new hero
J – ” I’ve made the same point, including the rather pithy “if everyone is special, no one is special” point in those exact same words in staff meetings at every institution that’s employed me over the last two decades. It’s not the way to make friends and influence people.”
True. I made the mistake of saying something similar early on during my time at a particular employer. It pretty much set the “mood” for my entire time there, and as you mentioned, it isn’t a great way to make friends.
“And it’s yet another reason to hate Facebook.”
Haha, like we needed another!
It pretty much set the “mood” for my entire time there, and as you mentioned, it isn’t a great way to make friends.
LOL. I hear that!
Girls, is not going ANYWHERE.
You folks have got the internetz so worked up, crackling with interest about it, that it’ll be like Breaking Bad. Ostensibly a one-run pony that “suddenly” gets renewed for 4 years.
Congratulations.
Susan,
Saw this on my FB news feed today about flow charts, and immediately thought of you:
http://xkcd.com/518/
@Tom.s
LOL! Funny you should say that, I’ve been trying to come up with a new chart post.
Wow, this is the kind of post you want to lock in a time capsule and dig up 30 years later.
I just read David Brooks’ column, where he talks about Dan Ariely’s morality research. Everyone thinks they are a good person, even if they don’t know what morality is. (2/3 of young people can’t identify a moral dilemma) So we commit sins without feeling guilty, because we are mostly a good person. But we don’t actually have any evidence that we are good people, it’s just a product of our culture where no one is allowed to judge anyone else. Just like everyone gets a trophy for showing up, everyone gets a “good person” sticker just for existing.
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/08/opinion/brooks-the-moral-diet.html?_r=1&partner=rssnyt&emc=rss
WTF!!??? I’m not special?!!!!…I’m going to cry in a corner now.
:p
Just like everyone gets a trophy for showing up, everyone gets a “good person” sticker just for existing.
Like in Eden before the fall!
@Ana
WTF!!??? I’m not special?!!!!…I’m going to cry in a corner now
Aw, Ana, you’re special to me and the rest of the HUS crowd!
Aw, Ana, you’re special to me and the rest of the HUS crowd!
Heh so cute. But your attempts of entitling me are futile I got the best anti self steem device ever invented by evolution: a mother.
After being brought up in a world that has a fundimental misunderstanding of self esteem and confidence, kids today need to be taught that they are not special so they can develop true self esteem and confidence …
You can never have real confidence without first building competence
Kids, you think you’re special? Something wonderful?
Prove it. DO great things. Talk is cheap. Deeds speak louder than words.
Of course, doing great things requires copious quantities of hard work….you know, that nasty stuff that the STEM students do instead of partying.
LMAO, Ana…and as my mother’s daughter, I’m cosigning!
@PP
kids today need to be taught that they are not special so they can develop true self esteem and confidence …You can never have real confidence without first building competence.
Another great comment. I’ve been enjoying your stuff. Glad to have you here.
LMAO, Ana…and as my mother’s daughter, I’m cosigning!
Yeah what would the world be without mothers reminding us that nothing we do is good enough and when they really can’t deny is good enough, we are just doing our job…
I’ve made the point before that this kind of ‘participation’ obsession is a by-product of feminism. As feminism seeks to build a world of ‘non-hierarchical power structures’ (talk about an oxymoron), it attempts to refurbish our civilization into a feminized ideal in which all are rewarded equally (which is how women tend to view things in groups of just women — the Female Social Matrix) instead of individuals being rewarded for achievement (which is how men tend to view things in groups of just men).
The easiest way to see this profound difference is to compare the contemporary Boy Scout and Girl Scout programs. The Boy Scouts have changed little since their inception, still rewarding achievement and personal development. Girl Scouts, on the other hand, have been re-imagined under a more feminist design. Now they reward participation far more than achievement (except cookie sales). In Boy Scouts you don’t get an award unless you earn it. In Girl Scouts you get one for just showing up.
I’m not saying that the participatory model is inherently bad. There are many social and cultural functions for which it is ideal, including literacy programs, evangelism, public health education, etc. But when it comes to the real making-civilization-work stuff, this kind of participatory model does little more than reward mediocrity and punish merit.
Great post.
@Ian Ironwood
I agree with you – the self-esteem curriculum that I saw installed in my kids’ schools was feminist PC garbage designed to promote the self-esteem of girls so that they could shout down the boys during math class in middle school.
I’ve told this story before but the most egregious example I ever saw was when a dog groomer borrowed my dog for a weekend grooming competition and returned him with a trophy that said Participant. She wanted him to have it. He had very high self-esteem as a result.
I’ve made the point before that this kind of ‘participation’ obsession is a by-product of feminism. As feminism seeks to build a world of ‘non-hierarchical power structures’ (talk about an oxymoron), it attempts to refurbish our civilization into a feminized ideal in which all are rewarded equally (which is how women tend to view things in groups of just women — the Female Social Matrix) instead of individuals being rewarded for achievement (which is how men tend to view things in groups of just men).
In a longer view, the self-esteem movement, feminism, the civil rights and anti-war movements, etc are all by-products of a grand pendulum sweep to the left that begins with the same Enlightment in Europe that lead to such things as the American Revolution and the abolition of slavery. Attempts to paint all of this with a broad brush are short-sighted and ignore the good. Eventually, in the long run, things will swing back–and hopefullly to center and not the extreme right.
the self-esteem curriculum that I saw installed in my kids’ schools was feminist PC garbage designed to promote the self-esteem of girls so that they could shout down the boys during math class in middle school.
IME as an educator I’ve seen self-esteem theory misapplied in all sorts of places, not just to girls’ math achievement. Most of the ethnic pride stuff, which emphasizes the past group achievements of people who may look like the student as opposed to individual achievement, fits this mold and is a misapplication of SE theory.
I would also see the triumph of many of these movements as a triumph of girliness as opposed to feminism. Early elementary education is a field dominated by young women who are just waiting for the day they have their own kids. They want to over-mother every kid they see. Past the fourth grade, there tends to be equal numbers of male and female teachers, and things become more reasonable. By high school, the female teachers tend to as tough minded as the guys. Dealing with adolescents tends to select out the girliest women.
I’ve told this story before but the most egregious example I ever saw was when a dog groomer borrowed my dog for a weekend grooming competition and returned him with a trophy that said Participant. She wanted him to have it. He had very high self-esteem as a result.
I’m LOL.
I agree, J. PeppermintPanda is really cool, for a former PUA.
I kid… he’s a great new commenter.
J, if I had more time, I would argue that the sweep to the left was spurred by the Industrial Revolution, and NOT the Age of Enlightenment.
I can not think of anything more inhibiting to the mind and the creativity originating from it, than the participatory model. It is so boring, not to mention criminal in my eyes. Little do these people know that they are encouraging short term gratification over long term gratification by employing this strategy. A dedicated engineer or scientist who spent hours on end perfecting his/her work, refining the details, making sure every assumption was justified and eliminating all bugs… is now told it is ok, JUST as good as that of the rest. True perfectionists are dying out, it’s definition reassigned to people with merely obsessive-compulsive behavior bearing the illusion they have talent.
Add in the short supply of role models in hard disciplines, and the innovation engine of a society may be at stake here.
You’re not getting the full picture. Teaching those responsibilities are still primarily the parents’ and entire family’s. If you don’t teach those basics at home, no formal group will impart them and lift responsibility for mom & pop who want to watch TV instead.
This is not news. This model of secular feminism has had iron-clad primacy in the west for at least thirty years. Rewarding mediocrity for that long a time IS what gives you an America that looks as it does, today.
About #2:
In my world there has been a lot of distance thrown by younger people at the Leather part of the community. Leather has long tradition and respect. However, in the new world of “everyone is welcome, come join us S&M” much of the Leather community has remained separate to some degree.
One reason younger people get pissed at Leather people is the concept of earned leather. You don’t just buy all your leather clothing and show up in it. You earn it (how is leather family and community dependent) and it becomes a symbol of the respect you earn. Sure, you can just buy leather and wear it (I generally wear boots out for example) but it’s not the same.
And that pissed some people (not all younger people) off.
While hearing someone, not quite rant but complain, abut this at SELF this past weekend it hit me.
Leather doesn’t get out participation trophies. You get respect and status and the symbols of them by work. So many kids figure they should get them by showing up.
Which oddly lead to me writing about triathlons in my FetLife journal and the fact I do them because they are hard. It seems a lot of people do tris to accomplish something in their 30s or later.
We want the trappings of work (a big salary, an M-dot tattoo, earned leather) but we’ve taught too many people showing up is the work instead of the beginning.
@Ian Ironwood
Except Girl Scouts do reward achievement in cookie sales. Maybe your last sentence should have except when it matters to the end of the sentence.
Which is what is happening to kids in general. They finish school and hit the world of work where their performance, not attendance, matters to their boss and all of a sudden the participation BS goes out the window.
Ramble, I’d be interested in hearing what you have to say because I’d be easily convinced that industrialization was a cofactor.
“They finish school and hit the world of work where their performance, not attendance, matters to their boss and all of a sudden the participation BS goes out the window.”
I do not understand why people think this is the case among younger people. Certainly we have a huge sense of entitlement, but we were raised by parents who told us college educations are the gateway to success as long as we worked hard in school. And many of us did work, and got several internships, and expected big things because we came of age during American prosperity, but graduated into the worst economy since the Great Depression and are now struggling.
I do think our generation has a strong of over-entitled smugness despite a lack of serious accomplishment, but we’ve been screwed mightily by this economy and that is in no way our fault.
In large my point, my own economic position is my own fault, but, meh, hopefully that will be fixed in the coming years.
Oh lord, I should really proof-read. That “in large my point” should have been deleted.
My own personal problem was substantial laziness and almost total lack of motivation. Throughout most of my primary education, the coursework was almost trivially easy. I had problems with grammar and English, I suppose, but I could easily comprehend non-fiction works. So they decided to place me in a Advanced Course for Science and assigned me a college level book.
Apparently I was expected to read this, but it was literally the first time I had EVER been academically challenged. I brought this problem to my mother…who promptly decided this was too challenging for an elementary school student and thought the whole program was bunk, and decided to do my paper for me.
Unfortunately my mother, like many UMC kids, was of the opinion that the Honors coursework was clearly enough and children didn’t need to worry about learning outside of school.
The result, of course, was that I didn’t give a damn about school, because it was trivially easy and engaged none of my interests. At one point in high school, I did less than a third of my homework for a physics class, goofed off during the entire class period (I believe most of that semester was recounting my sexual exploits and playing with magnets), and received an absolutely perfect score on the final.
People like this really need unique attention, not mass learning. I had utterly no idea how to develop my own interests, though, so I never read a ton, and THOUGHT I knew everything because I didn’t know how much I DIDN’T know.
It wasn’t until I was a junior in high school that I started to learn independently from serious academic books. I still didn’t like homework, but did enough to earn high marks. College courses were also trivially easy, with a number of professors noting that my writing was professional-grade. They tried to give me extra studies, but I lost interest when I spent an entire semester fiddling with a stats program and didn’t let me do ANYTHING.
Probably immature of me to abandon personal development at the time, but then again…I was 20. What the fuck was I supposed to know?
Now I have my own team of people at a Fortune 50 company. Good times ey?
@ADBG
As the mother of two brilliant slackers, your story gives me hope.
ADGB:
“I brought this problem to my mother…who promptly decided this was too challenging for an elementary school student and thought the whole program was bunk, and decided to do my paper for me.”
———-
So what was your mom’s grade for that Science paper?
J, I’d say let it be cautionary. My current position is not a great one and involved some very bad career years. My math and technological skills are far less developed than they otherwise could have been: I wasted a lot of time playing video games and posting online. Once my life started swinging into gear, that stuff fell by the wayside very fast.
If you are very smart and motivated, you can develop many skills quite quickly and blow everyone else out of the water. The problem is actually accepting a challenge: if you’ve been smart and have been bulldozing “challenges” all your life, you are not going to like a REAL challenge when you face it. That’s why some people don’t reward a child for being smart, reward a child for self-actualizing and trying hard. If you just tell them their smart, when they run into a challenge and can’t beat it easily they will start to think they are dumb and give up.
I’d say keep learning constantly and make sure your social circle is strong. Pick classes that interest you and talk to the teachers about the subject to see why they think it is important.
But do your best not to slack.
Nothing is permanent, though. If you’re smart, you’re smart, and once you pick up some quality life skills, ambition and solid perspective, you’re still going to quickly surpass other people in a lot of subjects.
@Alias
“So what was your mom’s grade for that Science paper?”
I do not remember if it was even graded. I do remember that I was removed from the program shortly thereafter and went back into mediocrity. What a wonderful world, ey? That was when I was, oh, 10. It wasn’t until 17 that the education system decided I needed to be put back into advanced classes.
OT but I found this story very interesting:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/bbcthree/2011/04/jono-lancaster-so-what-if-my-baby-is-born-like-me.shtml
@Wudang, 33
There’s a documentary online if you are interested:
http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/so-what-if-my-baby-is-born-like-me/
@ADBG
Numerous job interviews of younger people and experience with the ones we hired. Some classics include the guy who thought being hung over was a legitimate reason to call out sick (he called out more in one year than I have this century even including the four or so year since we put him on probation) and the woman whose mother called to complain about her daughter being reprimanded for costing us about $40k in incorrect printing by not following explicit directions.
Are all young people like this? No, I’ve seen counter-examples. Are too many, especially among the college educated? Yes, unless I’ve just only met the losers.
@ADBG
Most of my experience described above was prior to late 2008 so the economy wasn’t their problem in getting a job.
It was in their performance when they had a job and their abilities, drive, and expectations as demonstrated in job interviews in a good economy. I’ve had right out of college guys interviewing for sysadmin jobs expecting the four weeks vacation and $75k+ base salary I worked my way to having at 44 in a job where the resume to hire ratio is 1000:1 and we are always hiring because we can’t find enough people to do all the potential work.
As I said, I’ve interviewed people who expected that (except for my bonus, I never heard that expected and I’ll admit for more senior people it’s bigger than their salary in good years) right out of college. There is a strong disconnect in that expectation.
@Feral
Thanks. I´ve actually seen it.
Loved McCullough’s speech!
Despite being someone who has been railing against Facebook and is quite knowledgeable about privacy issues concerning Facebook, what you’ve shared here came as quite a shock to me.
That’s why some people don’t reward a child for being smart, reward a child for self-actualizing and trying hard. If you just tell them their smart, when they run into a challenge and can’t beat it easily they will start to think they are dumb and give up.
I cosign that sentiment and don’t believe in rewarding kids for things that are unearnd and/or out of the individual’s control. I think the problem with my kids is that they just don’t see the value of achieving in areas that don’t interest them. We raised them to be “rigged individualists” to a degree, and they refuse to “play the game.” At some point, reality will dawn on them; DH and I are waiting for that with baited breath. We will not be enabling this by financing it.
@INTJ
Me too! I had to laugh at the absurdity of that particular product, but seriously, if I “like” a pair of shoes, I may find myself working for free on a Zappo’s ad! Facebook seems very underhanded, and people need to know that. This guy may not be more than mildly annoyed, but a person’s job or reputation could easily be compromised. It’s important for people to remember that they are not Facebook’s paying clients, and they get no loyalty.
I love this blog. I read it despite I have no real interest (not only I am not a girl, not only I am married man, but in addition I am married man from different continent and country). It’s just yesterday I watched several american movies and suddenly realised how alien they are to me – with the older movies i felt they came from the same culture as mine, with the new ones i have the feeling like they came from far away, exotic place. I wonder whether it’s just me, or is it something which other people feel sometimes too.