This weekend Mr. HUS and I celebrated our 28th wedding anniversary. That sounds like an awfully long time, doesn’t it? It’s flown by, and I still feel 25 around him. Saturday night we toasted to another 28, which would put us at 83 and 85. I think we’ll get there.
People always say what hard work marriage is, but I haven’t found it so. There are challenges, even crises, but that would also be true if I were single. Having a partner to share my life with has made it better. Much better.
I attribute this success primarily to one thing:
I chose well.
Michelangelo chose the best Carrara marble for David, strong and pure. Had he chosen some attractive stone full of flaws, it wouldn’t have lasted. To build something that will endure, you must start with the best raw material.
Attractive and High EQ
The first time I ever set eyes on my husband, it was in an auditorium filled with 650 newly arrived students. He was several rows in front of me, down to the right. The first thing I noticed was his face. Attractive but not movie star quality, he had a gentle and attentive expression as he chatted with the person sitting next to him. His eyes were a pale blue green, with crows’ feet at the sides. Tall and lanky, he had a distinctive style. Though casually dressed, he looked very put together. (He would later show up in the Japanese edition of GQ in a series of candid photos depicting fashion on American campuses.) His hair was longish. Overall, the impression I had was of a very earnest man.
This first impression was eerily accurate, and still holds 30 years later.
Mr. HUS is very smart. Smarter than me, although he says that his intelligence is “sharp points,” while mine is “round.” He helped me through Statistics, I helped him through Marketing Strategy.
He’s witty and has a great laugh. Eliciting that laugh is one of life’s great pleasures for me. He has great intellectual curiosity. During our relationship, we have had many comfortable silences, but at the same time have never been at a loss for interesting conversation when we felt like it. If all else fails, “John or Paul?” is always worth discussing further. As an INTJ, he should not be a perfect match for an ENFJ, but it works.
My husband identifies strongly with his role as a provider. This was true even before we had kids, even when I earned a higher salary than he did. Though he works in an industry characterized by long hours, he has always put family first, refusing to go in on the weekends, and declining two job opportunities that would have sharply reduced his time with our children. Still, he is a hard worker and has instilled the necessity of purpose and productivity in them.
He has been a strong and steady presence in their lives, and they love and respect him enormously. They seek his counsel on all important matters, and my daughter trusts his judgment about men without fail.
There has not been a day in 28 years when my husband did not exchange “I love you’s” with each of us. He has defended and stood up for our family in myriad ways over the years.
My husband is honest and trustworthy. I have never had cause to doubt his loyalty or faithfulness.
- The only options he has ever referred to having were either put or call.
- He has never flirted with anyone under 80 or over 6 in my presence.
- Though he would never attempt to make me feel jealous, he enjoys when he orders the better dish in a restaurant and I experience Menu Envy.
- He does not tolerate temper tantrums, and he’s not much good with sulking either.
- He does not tolerate disrespect.
- He is direct and forthright, and he expects the same in return. No games, no manipulation. WYSIWYG.
- He has never criticized my personal appearance.
- He has never mocked, embarrassed or shamed me in public.
- He never dismisses my opinions, ideas, or concerns.
My husband had a…wild life with drugs, music, traveling, and it sounds like a significant number of sexual partners. He is definitely on the Alpha side of the spectrum…Unfortunately settled down life with me turned out to not make him as happy as he expected. I seemed to be more in love and attracted to him after the wedding while he became disappointed and unhappy. He started spending most of his time away from me…he started seeming distant and irritable. He wouldn’t really talk to me so one day I went through his things. I found something he’d written saying he found married life boring and he was thinking about having an affair…. I don’t have any evidence that he actually has, but he now keeps all his devices locked.…I would try to have talks about our relationship, but I would inevitably get emotional and start crying. He has no tolerance for this and usually just turns on the TV or just leaves the house. He also said it made him not attracted to me being depressed and complaining, and he didn’t want to be around me or have sex with me.
My advice is for this woman to understand that she may have married unwisely, to realize that the situation is ultimately out of her hands, and to accept that she needs to allow her husband to decide if he is willing to make the sacrifice required to domesticate himself or not.”