The Social Pathologist has a great new post about female hypergamy and its male cousin:
Everyone who has spent any time amongst the Manosphere blogs is by now familiar with the term hypergamy: the desire for women to marry up. Unfortunately, as far as I’m aware, there doesn’t appear to be a similar term for the equivalent male urge: the desire to marry more attractive, feminine women, i.e. younger, hotter, tighter.
As a blogger who has waded into the weeds frequently (and reluctantly) to discuss and debate the nature of female hypergamy, I appreciate how eloquently SP defuses the typical gender conflict:
Many manosphere commentators, especially the MRA crowd, fail to understand that female hypergamy is a natural instinct and not some perverted moral choice.
… They can’t seem to recognise that, when it comes to the human libido, the hypergamous impulse in women is equivalent to the (femogamous?) impulse in men.
Weaker minds, I feel, make a category error when dealing with hypergamy, attributing to it a moral dimension which really isn’t there. Hypergamy is the natural object of female sexuality. It’s not a choice, and therefore devoid of a moral dimension, but a hard wired instinct. It’s what women involuntarily feel in the presence of a suitable male. Women have about as much choice about their hypergamous natures as men do about their femogamous ones. It’s a fact of life and getting angry about it is about as idiotic as getting angry about the orbital motion of the planets or the unfairness of Plank’s constant.
I’ve argued, and strongly believe, that we are better designed for efficient reproduction today than at any other time in the past. Let’s look at the purpose that these natural attraction triggers serve for the sexes.
Q: Why are women most attracted to high status males?
A: Because high status demonstrates that a male has competed against other males and come out on top. This position of leadership and respect implies access to resources. The children of these men are much more likely to thrive and enjoy the benefits of prestige.
Q: Why are men most attracted to hot, young females?
A: Because they are fertile. Female standards of beauty: full lips, clear skin, bright eyes, lustrous hair – are all fertility cues.
If women went for low status males their children would be less likely to thrive.
If men went for unattractive, older females they’d be unlikely to impregnate them.
In other words, the system works from a biological point of view. Of course, humans can come along and muck things up, but that isn’t the point. Hypergamy is a good thing. Male desire for young flesh is a good thing. Both are good for homo sapiens.
However, instinct doesn’t really take our feelings into account. Mother Nature is a vicious bitch. Very few people are at the top of the ladder, and some people may never attract a sexual partner. Most of us fall in the middle somewhere, and many feel the unfairness of this. SP says it well:
In many ways the men complaining against hypergamy are akin to the “fat acceptance” crowd and their logic, when complaining about male femogamy. The fatties are constantly harping on about how there is something wrong with men for preferring thinner women. The MRA/MGTOW crowd are constantly asserting that there is something wrong with women for preferring higher status males. Both loser groups, being the neglected victims of natural human desires, want to punish or constrain normal people from having them. Social engineering is the preferred vehicle.
Much of the controversy centers on how to keep monogamous partners from straying into the arms of someone with more status, or a younger, tighter body. In my experience this is achieved via two strategies:
1. Choose the best raw material for marriage.
- Filter aggressively for character, including loyalty and faithfulness as demonstrated by past and present relationships and behavior.
- Never marry someone whose passion and love for you is uncertain. If you don’t start out with headboard banging chemistry, it’s unlikely to increase over time.
2. Nurture the bond between you attentively, with devotion and gratitude.
- Be what you want in a partner.
The other concern sure to show up in the comments (as it did at Social Pathologist) is that today women have greater freedom to pursue hypergamy than men have to pursue “femogamy.” Again, I think this misses the mark. Hypergamy is not a strategy, it’s an attraction cue.
What is different today is that women are free to employ a strategy of staying on the market by not marrying, or reentering it by divorcing. They have unrestrained opportunities to indulge hypergamous instinct, provided they can attract a high status male for commitment. Of course, most fail.
Similarly, men are free to employ a similar strategy of staying on the market or rentering it by pursuing younger, hotter women than the one they married. As couples age, men actually have the advantage. Of course, there is no guarantee that the male will be able to attract a hot young thing. Many fail.
As SP said, both male and female sexuality are hardwired, and devoid of a moral dimension. The only thing that counts is what we choose to do about that. We can only be successful if we accept it, work with it, and are grateful for what we have. The alternative of righteous indignation only serves to ensure that we remain alone.