Guys who actually like relationships and are interested in having a girlfriend find it very frustrating and baffling when women balk at early commitment. It’s a recurring theme among the guy readers here, and in a recent comment thread reader HanSolo explained it with a metaphor:
To 80% accuracy women are like cats. Cats are not like dogs. Cats do not want to mate with dogs. So, you need to show a little more catlike behavior at first to get that pussy (-cat) interested in you. Remember how cats come up and sit on the lap of the person who ignores it and only once it’s decided it wants you does it want to be petted and start receiving the more “doglike” affection.
Not all women are more catlike but to men who tend to go overboard with too much affection too soon (that act too much like affectionate dogs that run up to their master when she gets home and bury her with attention), keeping that exaggerated metaphor in mind will help them to treat them in a less smothering and more balanced way.
HanSolo doesn’t like it that women do not appreciate eager, unconditional affection from the start, and he doesn’t quite understand why this should be so, but he does accept it:
I have developed a more catlike nature. The dog in me is always longing to get out with the right woman though and cover her with affection.
I have so much love waiting for the right woman.
I feel like I have built a dam to hold it back but the rains keep falling and the reservoir is always brimming to the top.
I want to find the woman who wants my love. That thirsts for it. Whose heart is a desert. Who will open the spillways and let me love her fully. Who will love me back. Completely, fully, with abandon.
Until then, I fuck the occasional pussy and wait.
Women fantasize about finding that kind of love with a man, as the Romance Literature industry attests. However, it should be noted that in female fantasy, this level of commitment and devotion from a man is hard won, not a thing to be given away lightly. Women understand this instinctively – we can be extremely interested in a guy, pinching ourselves over our good fortune in attracting this gorgeous man, only to find him unappealing and yes, creepy, within a date or two. His eagerness to be immediately and deeply in love sounds alarm bells.
Why do women discount and dismiss men who are eager to commit themselves right away?
1. Women understand the male role as the gatekeeper of commitment, just as we are the gatekeepers of sex.
In the same way that a man may question the long-term potential of a woman who grabs his junk on the first date, women are wary of men who are “emotionally promiscuous.”
Certain it is I liked her,
And boarded her i’ the wanton way of youth:
She knew her distance and did angle for me,
Madding my eagerness with her restraint,
As all impediments in fancy’s course
Are motives of more fancy; and, in fine,
Her infinite cunning, with her modern grace,
Subdued me to her rate: she got the ring;
Shakespeare, All’s Well That Ends Well
2. Some people are serial monogamists – the minute one relationship ends, they’re auditioning everyone in their sphere as a potential replacement.
A fellow SM may happily make the deal quickly, but most people want to take their time selecting a relationship partner, and they want to be evaluated and chosen with the same care.
3. A hasty attempt to elicit commitment has a vibe of desperation about it.
Like a used car salesman, he doesn’t want you to spend time looking under the hood, and he’s peevish if you want to think about the decision for a while. People with options tend to weigh them carefully, so rushing into a relationship implies a lack of options, and it carries the whiff of insecurity or fear.
4. Women expect to have to compete for a male, winning him over with our feminine wiles and enticing him into exclusivity as we successfully navigate his high standards.
Women do not want to be robbed of this opportunity to compete with other females. If there are no other females competing for him, a guy benefits from holding to his high standards in any case. Having low standards, or worse, none (like our friend in the comic above), is a turnoff to women.
5. There’s an expression women share: “How you get him is how you lose him.”
It’s often applied to situations where a guy cheats on his gf and then dumps her for the new girl. It’s a bad way to start a new relationship, because New Girl is now with Cheater Boyfriend.
The concept applies here as well – if a guy falls for women at the drop of a hat, even if you think he’s great, you’re going to wonder when that may happen again. When he runs out for beer? When he sees his ex over the holidays? When an attractive new woman joins his firm? Guys who go all in too soon are impulsive guys, and impulsive guys are unpredictable guys. They’re flighty.
6. Delaying intense intimacy, whether emotional or physical, is a woman’s best method of filtering out insincere and manipulative men.
The “cost” of sex is much higher for women than it is for men. Every sexual encounter carries the risk of pregnancy. In addition, women are far more likely to contract STDs then men are.
The cad’s tried and true mating strategy is lying about his feelings in order to get sex. He is willing to say almost anything to snag that innocent young thing who’s obviously looking for a boyfriend. Believing a man’s declarations of feeling when he’s known you a short time is a high risk move for women.
In addition, narcissistic men with low empathy are very good at Instant Love and sweeping women off their feet. They know the script, and they know how to play their part in the movie that is their life. They’re strictly on a short-term timetable – if they take much time you’ll figure out they have nothing to offer. In and out is the best strategy, so they tend to declare their “feelings” very quickly.
7. We worry about buyer’s remorse.
When a man commits very soon, he is in the state of lust or infatuation. He is certainly creating his own idea of his beloved as perfection. Most of us know this will wear off. The more you have exalted us, the farther we will fall, and then you will not want us anymore.
I should note that there are exceptions to this general female “rule.” I have known several couples who met, had sex within hours, and essentially started living together that first night. Those relationships are extremely symbiotic, but they appear to suit some people very well.
What have I missed? Girls, are you wary of guys who are “yours” from the first hello? Do you want to earn a man’s love? Or do you feel that’s just playing games, and you want him eager and willing from the start? What is the best way for a man who really does fall for you quickly to handle himself and increase your attraction to him?