Matthew Hussey on Men and Commitment

June 6, 2013

HusseyI just finished reading Matthew Hussey’s Get the Guyand I have to say it’s about the best book on dating and relationships I’ve ever read. I’m not alone – his rating on Amazon is a 4.8 out of 5. I strongly encourage you to buy it here. 

(Speaking of ratings, he’s adorable – sort of a cross between Ryan Gosling and Daniel Radcliffe.)

He started out running bootcamps as a dating coach for men, and it’s clear from his writing he is well versed in Game. However, smart guy that he is, he flipped over to running bootcamps for women, and has coached something like 100,000 of us at this point. And he’s only 26!

This guy is all about Girl Game, and he makes a great deal of sense. I agree with him on almost everything – my only nitpick is that some of his conversation starters sound really cheesy, but maybe when girls approach guys what they say isn’t actually very important. 🙂

I’ll be writing on several topics in the book that I found particularly strong or interesting. Today I want to share his explanation on how men view commitment, because it closely parallels a lot of the writing I’ve done here on short-term relationship guys vs. long-term relationship guys, cads vs. dads, etc. 

Hussey describes two distinct kind of men, whom he names Mr. Bachelor and Mr. Relationship. No matter what you do on your end, a man’s willingness to commit depends on the emotions he associates with commitment. These emotions may have any number of sources, but it doesn’t really matter – every man is either Mr. Bachelor or Mr. Relationship. It’s hard-wired, or baked in, or something, and you have no control over this.

For Mr. Bachelor, the idea of “settling down” conjures up an image of a bored couple sitting at home on a Friday night watching soap operas, or spending all day Saturday doing household chores. Committing to a relationship looks like the end of all the fun. This perception is reinforced because every guy has a friend who [describes this life].

Essentially, Mr. Bachelor suffers from FOMO, and Hussey describes his preoccupation with chasing variety, adventure and excitement in his 20s, figuring he’ll settle down and bite the bullet when he reaches his 30s. Predictably, in his 30s he realizes he still hasn’t surfed in Thailand or hiked in Nepal. And there’s still so much poon to slay! He figures he’ll still have it going on in his 40s, he should enjoy life while he’s still young!

In contrast, Mr. Relationship experiences these same desires very differently.

Even though Mr. Relationship might miss and even grieve his single life, he understands without a doubt that his perfect woman makes his life much better than it was before. 

Mr. Relationship loves sexual variety, adventure and excitement as much as Mr. Bachelor does, but Mr. Relationship associates these aspects of life with being in a relationship. To Mr. Relationship, having a steady girlfriend, fiancée or wife means having fantastic sex, since having a committed partner means having regular sex with someone who knows his every quirk and turn-on.

He views the woman in his life as someone with whom he can share amazing adventures and experiences. With her, he experiences companionship and the joy of going through life with someone who understands him at the deepest level. To him, relationships are the ultimate pleasure…the single life equals boredom, loneliness, and awkward ONSs with the occasional girl who doesn’t really know what turns him on sexually.

Hussey describes how two men with the same history will reflect very differently on their single days. Mr. Bachelor remembers the poker parties, the occasional unexpected ONS with a stranger, the freedom of not having to explain himself to anyone. Mr. Relationship recalls the endless weekends of boredom when there were no chicks around, the bad sex followed by the unpleasant morning discovery of a hungover stranger in the bed. He likes having girl stuff around the apartment. 

Mr. Bachelor and Mr. Relationship both have the same needs: sexual satisfaction, adventure, excitement. It’s not as if Mr. Bachelor needs more sexual partners or Mr. Relationship needs more intimacy and connection. It’s not that one guy needs a more adventurous lifestyle while another craves a more domestic lifestyle. The only difference between Mr. Bachelor and Mr. Relationship is the emotions they associate with commitment.

Let’s discuss. Here are some questions to start us off:

1. Do all men have the same “needs?” We tend to describe men as universally horny and preoccupied with sex most of the time. Does Mr. Bachelor actually want or need sex more than Mr. Relationship does? Does Mr. Relationship want or need connection more?

2. The data clearly shows that single men have sex less frequently than married men. Does Mr. Bachelor forfeit frequency for novelty while Mr. Relationship forfeits novelty for frequency?

3. Can these needs be met in different ways? Hussey suggests variety can occur both within and outside relationships.

4. How do emotions play a role? Do these divergent outlooks correspond with pessimism and optimism? Or cynicism and hope? 

5. Is Mr. Bachelor a good bet for marriage when he reaches his 40s? Or can no woman hope to hold his attention and suppress his “wanderlust?”

6. Should women who want to marry ever date Mr. Bachelor? If so, why? If not, why not?

7. Is there an analogous divergence of women? Ms. Bachelorette vs. Ms. Relationship? Or Ms. Career vs. Ms. Family? If so, how do these different types of women recall their single days?

Talk to me in the Comments!