Invasion of the Penii

New research reveals that highly sexualized advances from boys as young as middle school are the norm. 15 year-old boys are texting their peers for Fellate Dates:

A 15-year-old girl sits in high school English class when a text message pops up on her cellphone. It’s from a boy sitting across the room. He hardly knows her, but he likes her. Here’s how he chooses to get that message across:

Him: “So, are you good at hooking up?”

Her: “Um idk. I don’t really think about that.”

Him: “Well, I want my d–k in your mouth? Will you at least be my girlfriend.”

“Boys send X-rated propositions to girls in class. Crude photos, even nude photos, play a role once reserved for the handwritten note saying, “Hey, I like you.”

What’s especially alarming is that boys don’t get how offensive this is:

According to new research, boys who engage in this kind of sexualized behavior say they have no intention to be hostile or demeaning — precisely the opposite. While they admit they are pushing limits, they also think they are simply courting. They describe it as “goofing around, flirting,” said Catherine Steiner-Adair, a clinical psychologist and school consultant who interviewed 1,000 students nationwide for her new book, “The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and Family Relationships in the Digital Age.”

Another kid sent a girl this message on facebook:

“Your challenge is to go for weeks without d–ks in all four of your holes.” 

Four? 

Steiner-Adair doesn’t see these boys as predators. Rather, she says, their emotional needs have been neglected. In her view, hookup culture hurts them just as much as it hurts girls. Here’s how that text convo played out:

Steiner-Adair saw the string of texts between the 15-year-old girl in English class and her suitor. The girl described the conversation as “a stupid, disgusting exchange,” adding that it was “typical for the boys at our school.” Still, the girl became intrigued when the boy revealed in a subsequent note that he liked her. The girl wondered if she should tell him how his initial approach had offended her. Then she started to cry, questioning whether it was worth the effort.

It is very disturbing that this 15 year-old boy, who really likes this girl and wants to be her boyfriend, “introduces” his penis rather than himself. I’ve heard many accounts of boys cordially suggesting, “You can suck my dick if you want.” One young woman found this amusing – “Does he think it’s a hot fudge sundae? No thanks!”

Steiner-Adair says she’s been asked many questions that make it clear young people are taking their cues from porn:

One boy said, “I don’t get it — why would a woman get turned on by being choked?” A girl asked her if it was normal to have anal sex. 

“She said boys often expressed a desire for a deeper connection with girls, but felt confused about how to make it happen. They are yearning for intimacy that goes beyond biology. They just don’t know how to achieve it.”

Steiner-Adair and other experts have noted that technology “deletes the pause” between impulse and action. Regrettable actions occur with little forethought and sometimes big consequences.

What happens when these boys hit college? There have been several reports lately of penii making unwelcome and unwanted approaches. Not so long ago, this only happened with perverts at the public library, but apparently whipping out one’s johnson (figuratively and literally) is the new “Come here often?”

This shows how powerful our sexualized culture is. We’re feeding children very warped messages about sexuality and relationships. We have no right to complain about hookup culture when we’ve been looking the other way for their first 18 years.

Recall the Penn student in Kate Taylor’s NYXs article:

Kristy shared a story about a different kind of coercion. She had been making out with a guy at his house, not sure how far she wanted to go, when he stood up and told her, “Get down on your knees.”

At first she froze. “I was really taken aback, because I was like, no one has ever said that to me before,” she said. Then he said something like, “ ‘I think that’s fair,’ ” she recalled. When she still hesitated, he pushed her down.

“It was at that point that I was like, ‘I’ll just do it,’ ” she said. “I was like, ‘ “It will be over soon enough.’ ”

While Kristy’s response makes me want to bang my head against the wall, it’s the dude’s actions that really knock me for a loop. He went straight from making out, generally considered a fairly harmless, first base kind of activity, to ordering a girl onto her knees to fellate him. Then he physically pushed her down. 

I immediately wondered whether this might constitute sexual assault, so typed this into google search:

is pulling out your dick sexual assault

(It is such a good thing no one saw this over my shoulder at the coffee shop.)

Google responded with five pages of hits on that charmer Ken Hoinsky, who, in his Kickstarter profile for a seduction guide, wrote this:

Pull out your cock and put her hand on it. Remember, she is letting you do this because you have established yourself as a LEADER. Don’t ask for permission, GRAB HER HAND, and put it right on your dick.

By way of apology, Kickstarter has donated 25K to a non-profit for victims of sexual assault.

Here is a definition of sexual assault from SafeHorizon, a non-profit that seeks to protect youths from violence:

Sexual assault is a general term that includes any forced or unwanted sexual activity, including rape, incest, sexual abuse, and molestation. Sexual assault includes any forced or unwanted touching of an intimate part of the body, such as breasts, buttocks, or genitals.

When a man grabs your hand and places it on his penis without your consent, he is committing sexual assault by compelling you to touch him. Full stop. He will only avoid confirming consent if he doubts your willingness to proceed. Think for a moment about how incredibly selfish that is.

Why do men think this is OK, or even normal? If a woman’s into you, she’s going to want the D, and she knows how to find it. I have never in my life watched a man pull out his own penis, much less force my hand to it. This is not driver’s ed, folks, I know how to operate this thing when I want to take it for a spin. 

Consent need not be verbal, by the way. No one is suggesting a guy submit a request in triplicate with an attorney present. Most guys seem to be able to read subtle hints. Like your undoing his belt buckle, for instance. If he takes you by surprise, and you recoil, it’s too late, he’s already forced you to touch him, whether he backs off at that point or not. You have been assaulted.

Even whipping it out uninvited constitutes the crime of indecent exposure if she’s just not that into you. In my home state, a person can be charged if they:

(1)    exposed his or her genitals to one or more persons
(2)    did so intentionally
(3)    offended one or more persons 

Do not allow any guy to disrespect you in this way, and don’t disrespect yourself.

If a guy texts you something like this, it is not a compliment. Keep the text. I encourage you to report it, but you should keep a record of it in any case. 

If you’re making out with a guy and he pushes you onto your knees, leave immediately. If he shows you his penis, take a pic. Tell someone. And don’t ever give some guy a blowjob because it’s “easier” or “less awkward.” 

The only way men will learn that this behavior is inappropriate and illegal is if women demonstrate that this is not “goofing around” or “flirting,” much less courting. Somebody’s parents did a very bad job raising a son, but you shouldn’t pay the price.