Push-Pull is Flirting for Sociopaths
Source: Indexed, Jessica Hagy
One of the most insidious results of hookup culture is the retreat to the Principle of Least Interest – which says that the person who cares the least in a relationship is the one with the most power.
Although research shows that most college students would prefer a relationship over casual sex, it’s become uncool to feel that way. It’s most prevalent among guys, but girls also fake indifference about relationships. They go for the casual hookup hoping it will turn into something more.
Back in the days when traditional dating was the norm, playing hard-to-get was a viable strategy for women.
Both sexes derived high status from being in a steady relationship. A guy with a very attractive girlfriend was perceived as a winner in male-on-male competition, because he was selected by a girl with a lot of options. But assortative mating, then as now, was the norm, and for both sexes being part of a couple was generally preferable to being on the market.
Guys didn’t play hard-to-get, per se. It was just a question of how high they could aim. Women played hard to get in an attempt to appear more in demand. By acting like they had a lot of options, they were often able to secure attention (and subsequently commitment) from more attractive men.
Today, the default perception among young people is that relationships are hard to come by, and that many attractive people don’t want them. Certainly, the social script allows for both women and men to indulge in casual sex and avoid relationships, especially before they turn 30 or so. But the wealth of data describing the sexual behavior of Millennials suggests that only about 10-20% of the population prefers that lifestyle.
That leaves the other 80% resorting to tactics at direct odds with what they actually want. They require liquid courage to go through with the casual hookup. They avoid contact afterwards, even when they’re both interested. The fear of rejection and being made to look foolish in front of friends trumps the very real desire to connect.
“Oh you thought I was interested in you? That’s so sweet.”
Sometimes the desire to connect wins out, but even then showing interest feels dangerous. Guys and girls often resort to push-pull, sending a deliberately confusing and inconsistent series of signals to ostensibly drive the other person into a frenzy of desire and need. The technique was formally codified by sleazy pickup artists:
PUSH means pushing her away. Not physically (usually), but saying or doing things that imply that you’re not interested in her.
PULL is the opposite. When you’re hitting on her, you’re in “pull” mode.
Push/pull is based on the principle of what is called a tension loop. A tension loop creates unresolved emotional tension inside a woman, increases it, releases it by bringing closure to it, and then sparks it all over again.
…Push/pull is whenever you emotionally push a woman away from you…and then emotionally pull her back in…Master push/pull and you’ll leave women no choice but to feel attraction toward you.
The problem is that resorting to this strategy to stimulate interest is a relationship killer. Research shows that relationships characterized by push pull in the early days don’t last.
In The ups and downs of dating: Fluctuations in satisfaction in newly formed romantic relationships (Arriaga, 2001) , researchers found that fluctuations of security in the early days was fatal:
This research examined the association between relationship satisfaction and later breakup status, focusing on the temporal changes in satisfaction ratings of individuals in newly formed dating relationships.
…Individuals who exhibited greater fluctuation in their repeated satisfaction ratings were more likely to be in relationships that eventually ended, even after controlling for overall level of satisfaction. Individuals with fluctuating levels of satisfaction also reported relatively lower commitment.
A follow up study, Relationship perceptions and persistence: Do fluctuations in perceived partner commitment undermine dating relationships? (Arriaga, Reed, Goodfriend, Agnew, 2006), confirmed the results:
Individuals whose perceptions of partner commitment fluctuate over time were more likely to be in a relationship that eventually ended than were individuals whose perceptions remained relatively steady.
For individuals in recently initiated relationships, the association of fluctuation in perceived partner commitment with later breakup was significant regardless of the initial level of perceived partner commitment or the trend, and for all participants, it remained significant.
In short, you may be able to get the guy or girl using manipulation and the withdrawal of affection, but you won’t be able to keep them. The attraction is built on anxiety and a scarcity mindset, neither of which is conducive to trust or connection. People really don’t want to be treated that way. It’s Flirting for Sociopaths.
With all this bad behavior, how can a person hope to find someone who’s not into playing games and angling for power? They’re out there, and the more you reward that behavior, the more you’ll see it.
If a guy uses push-pull on you, the relationship is already over. Kick him to the curb and drive on.
If, on the other hand, a guy makes an effort to see you and you feel his affection, don’t play stupid games. Reward him with an equally honest, adult response.
Your only shot at a good relationship is with the second guy.
