Should I Have Sex With My Ex?
Dear Aunt Sue,
I just got home for the holidays and I know there’s going to be drama with my ex over the break. Everyone always says DO NOT hook up with your ex, so I figure it’s probably a stupid idea, but I’ve been thinking about him. We broke up at the end of the summer, and I’ve hooked up with a few guys at school, but I’m not over him. We hooked up over Thanksgiving and I was glad. I’m not really sure what he thinks right now. We talk sometimes but we don’t really talk about seeing other people. I want to see him, but I don’t want to start up something that will make me miserable later. I feel like no matter what I decide it’s gonna suck one way or the other. Tell me what to do!
Katie
Dear Katie,
It’s true that ‘ex sex’ is usually treated as potentially disastrous, or at the very least, unwise. Magazines are full of articles at this time of year cautioning girls not to get stuck in the past by hooking up with their ex over Thanksgiving or winter breaks. That’s because the experience can be very emotionally stressful; it occurs after a separation, and old feelings resurface. It can be difficult to sort out old feelings from new ones, and to figure out what it all means. And there are obviously times when sex with your ex is a really, really bad idea. Like if one of you has moved on emotionally but the other hasn’t. Or if he has treated you poorly; you don’t want to make yourself vulnerable with someone who isn’t careful with your feelings.
From your note, it sounds like you two broke up when it was time to head off to college. If that was the only reason you ended things, it’s not surprising that both of you would still feel emotionally invested. Even if there were other reasons for splitting, you’ve been through a major life transition this semester, and seeing your ex over break is part of going home. It’s the familiar, comfortable routine, like slipping on an old bathrobe and curling up with a good book. But it’s also new; you’ve both been away and had new experiences. When you see each other now, there are things about your being together that will feel really different than before.
There are no hard and fast rules about this in my view. Ideally, the two of you will talk about it and what it means, and decide together. But let’s face it, lots of ‘ex sex’ happens on impulse, against better judgment. Once, in a fit of sulking after being dumped, I called an old boyfriend and invited him over. He was psyched to be booty called, but right in the middle of the action, I burst into tears over the loss of the guy I really liked. Whoa. I have never seen an erection fall down in two seconds like that! He grabbed his pants and hightailed it outta there, and we never spoke again. Not a success.
