I Pissed Off a Gen Y Feminist
“All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.”
Arthur Schopenhauer, German Philosopher
With my latest post How to Stimulate Demand in a Relationship Recession, I made Mary Lingwall of Austin, Texas really angry. Check out her article here: Things That Piss Me Off: Relating Sexual Interactions to Economic Phenomena
Mary demands that I “shut the hell up.” While I can’t offer that, I will happily welcome a healthy debate. In the four months since I started Hooking Up Smart, I’ve actually been a little surprised by the lack of controversy. After all, I’m addressing head on questions about sexuality and relationships, and some of my views are not, er, shall we say, PC with the Gen Y Feminist crowd. So I thought it might be useful for me to clarify my views and respond to Mary’s objections.
I write Hooking Up Smart to address the rampant dissatisfaction among many young women with regard to their sex lives and their relationships. Having heard many stories of women feeling discouraged, even depressed about their experiences hooking up, I try to offer support, including my thoughts on how to best navigate the realities of the hookup culture while remaining true to yourself. (The About page of HUS includes my Mission Statement, which explicitly addresses the concerns of women who would like to be in a relationship.)
If you don’t want a relationship, and casual sex meets your needs, that’s cool. (In fact, Mary mentions at the top of her post that HUS is one of her favorite blogs, yay.) If what you want is casual sex it’s all good, because it’s easy to obtain, and a lot less time-consuming than a relationship. But if you want to have relationship sex, then your hooking up behavior probably shouldn’t look exactly like the girl’s who wants nothing to do with commitment. That’s why this blog is called Hooking Up Smart, rather than Don’t Hook Up.
Here are my responses to Mary’s specific objections:
1. “I am a young, fairly respectable girl, who could be okay with the possibility of being in some sort of relationship at some future point in my life. Wouldn’t this post inspire a girl like me? Hell no.”
Bitchslap That Dude to Make Him Heel
“Pay my respects to grace and virtue
Send my condolences to good
Give my regards to soul and romance
They always did the best they could
And so long to devotion
You taught me everything I know
Wave goodbye, wish me well
You’ve gotta let me go”
Brandon Flowers, The Killers, Human
Yeah, baby, the bitch is back! The March issue of Cosmopolitan proclaims that bitchiness is “The New Attitude That Drives Men Wild!” Cosmo urges girls to “summon their inner bitch,” and includes a feature called Bitch It Out!, complete with Bitch Tips.
Referring to A-Rod as Madonna’s drooling poodle, Cosmo professes embarrassment at his “glaring display of whippedness.” And it’s not her money, prestige or beauty that explains it. It’s “bitchiness.” Madonna once said, “I’m tough, ambitious and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.”
According to Cosmo, here’s why bitches are guy-magnets:
- Being ballsy and comfortable with oneself is a big turn-on.
- A woman who is self-assured is powerful.
- Bitchy is the opposite of needy. Guys gravitate toward women who are independent.
- A mysterious vibe subconsciously rattles guys and makes them take notice.
- A bitch is a prize worth seeking. For a guy, the thrill is in the hunt.
- The successful bitch is not aloof; she mixes equal parts confidence and openness.
So, is this advice legit? Cosmo is the best-selling women’s magazine in the world. Its circulation is 2.9 million in the U.S. alone. In Legally Blonde, Elle Woods called it “the bible.” On the other hand, I know from personal experience that Cosmo’s advice is often questionable. I once attempted Sex Tip #59, a move that involved straddling my guy, then precisely 22 seconds before he climaxed, reaching behind and yanking his balls upward at a 45 degree angle. His response: “Don’t do that again. Ever. Don’t do it.”
Now I take advice from Cosmo with some reluctance. I might want to get a second opinion before deciding that Bitchy is the new Black. I do research. Mostly, what I find is lots of women urging other women to get bitchy:
- After Jennifer Aniston called Angelina’s stealing Brad “a little inappropriate” and “uncool,” Rachel Johnson of the Sunday Times (UK) declared, “The situation called for some full-fat, industrial strength, venti-sized bitching. What she gave it was small, skinny and decaf. The strongest and funniest and best women are bitches who say it loud and proud. It’s when women stop being bitches that the trouble starts.”
- Julie Burchill of The Guardian laments that great bitching has been replaced by half-hearted hand-wringing and hypocrisy. “These days, women who might have once stood a chance of making decent bitches are whines, nags, snobs, and scolds instead. A classic bitch never feels threatened, and always feels superior.”
- Vanessa Richmond of the Canadian web magazine The Tyee says bitches fight fair, enforce their limits, stand their ground, and speak their mind honestly. “A bitch lives a brave, honest life and defends herself with a smart, sharp word.”
- Lulu Davidson, author of The Sexy Bitch book series, says “it’s about confidence, a willingness to take calculated risks, and a fondness for good times.”
- Caitlin Friedman, co-author of The Girl’s Guide to Being a Boss (Without Being a Bitch) notes that “Staying calm and unemotional when sticky issues arise takes confidence.”
Fair enough. But is the male population really ready to appreciate a pack of bitches? Once I get in touch with my inner bitch, and show her around, I doubt that she can be put away again very easily. For anecdotal evidence I turn to that brutal relationship marketplace, the college campus.
At one prominent university, fraternities conclude their rushing season with an event where women dominate and haze the men. The prospective pledges, wearing only their boxers, are led into a room where scantily clad girls haze them by straddling them, shouting orders and obscenities at them, calling them names and forcing them to perform humiliating tasks. Mind you, this is the event that is meant to win the pledge over. This humiliation at the hands of women is the culmination of weeks of courting. And these cocky, future Frat Stars seem to like it. (By the way, we’ll reserve judgment on those collegiate dominatrices for the time being. Suffice it to say that they feel powerful and in control with their feet on those freshman chests. One can hardly blame them for wanting to get a turn at calling the shots.)
Maybe it’s gotten just too damn easy for guys. Maybe there is no challenge left and they’re bored. Maybe they know they’re treating us like shit and they don’t want to get away with it anymore. Maybe we shouldn’t let them.
I know deep down you’re a bitch, and I mean that in the nicest possible way. Time to start acting like one?
