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Susan, I've been banned from his blog, but I thought you might find my rebuttal interesting to read:
http://butterflysquash.wordpress.com/2010/02/19…

We're the first person we talk to in the morning and the last at night, we talk about our family issues that not alot of ppl know about. We know eachothers friends and my family loves him and i know his family too. He was my date to a rlly important event, we hold hands in public, when we hang out we're not all physical. And i want to ask him if we could be exclusive but i'd rather stay like this than loose him. He's an amazing guy and he definently deserved better than me. I'm not one to give out my heart easily because i know ill only get it back broken or have to break someone elses. I've always been the one giving advice but ill admit when i need some. Please help, is it just a hook up or could there be something more going on?

Commitment does have its advantages.

The temptation to start to expect what we want, to see signs that we are close to getting what we want, is huge.

Hi Susan,

Just a quick note:

Be encouraged! You’re doing a great job. You’ve got an important message. Often, it’s the case that the “dissenters” and “arguers” are the most vocal while those who are benefiting from your messages remain silent…but don’t let that deter you. Your voice is needed.

And, if I can ever do anything for you, don’t hesitate to ask.

Warmly,
Calle

@Angelo
I’m not at all surprised by the study you linked to, at least in terms of women underreporting their sexual histories. In fact, I’ve read that this does not disappear even when surveys are anonymous. I am a bit surprised that men do not overreport to any great degree.
As Fisher says, the fact that women do not want to own up to their sexual experiences demonstrates that women view at least some of them as indiscretions.

Facebook (15)

look it up I am not a woman

Oh I wanted to suggest something you can deal with (even though I’m sure you probably don’t need anymore ideas)
Sex: right or privilege? I noticed that conservatives tend to look at sex as a privilege something you can only have till you fulfill certain obligations: commitment, marriage, certain age or economical status and so on, while liberals see sex as a right, something you should be able to have everytime you are horny and society should provide the means for you to do it safely: free condoms, birth control, easy access to abortion and so on. How do you think this affects Hook Up culture? That is if you agree with me.

I have more ideas if you think that would help, but tell me if you prefer this or email.

se você for capaz de amar, leia sobre a” Felicidade”, você vai se sentir uma outra pessoa, feliz, mais disposição para o trabalho. APELO FUNDAMENTAL PELA ”FELICIDADE”…

Hi Susan,

I’m a big fan of your site, and I was wondering if I could ask you for some advice. Three months ago, my boyfriend broke up with me (the relationship was long-distance, and he wasn’t handling it very well, but there was nothing actually wrong in the relationship, we never even fought). The breakup took me by surprise, and I was devastated. I’m doing a lot better now, but it’s been months, and I feel like I should be over him by now. I keep going out and hooking up with other guys, I guess to try and force myself to get over him, but I don’t like any of these guys and being with someone else just reminds me that I don’t have him. Every time I do it I spend the next few days feeling ashamed and depressed and I tell myself that I won’t do it again, but then I do anyway.

I just miss my ex so much, I was head over heels for him and there was nothing about him that I didn’t like – he was smart, sweet, caring, genuine, attractive, funny, interesting, and amazing in bed, and I just feel like I’m never going to find anyone else like that. I know I’m not ready to be in another relationship right now, and I know I have to stop hooking up with guys I don’t even like, but I just keep doing it, I don’t know why.

Any advice you can offer would be a great help.

Sarah,
.
I can empathize with your situation (well not with the hooking up with guys part but you get what I mean). I wrote a post on this issue that tried to address both sides of the issue, inspired by my own breakup and that of a HUS reader known as Robinson.
.
http://badgerhut.wordpress.com/2011/05/06/moving-on-and-when-to-do-it/
.
“I just miss my ex so much, I was head over heels for him and there was nothing about him that I didn’t like – he was smart, sweet, caring, genuine, attractive, funny, interesting, and amazing in bed, and I just feel like I’m never going to find anyone else like that.”
.
This breaks my heart and I wish I had more to say to you. It’s the male nature to immerse himself into work, hobbies or other life’s work to clean out the memories and form a self-image absent the ex-partner (sometimes a “slump-busting” roll in the hay has its purpose), and this is usually effective as a prescription. Unfortunately I lack the knowledge to recommend a similar course of action for a woman, except that casual sex does NOT seem to have the same effect on girls.
.
It doesn’t mean much to say this now, but you’ll come to learn that there are other great men in the world, and also that some relationships just turn out to have been meant only for a certain time in your life.

I met a guy recently who was pursuing fast (red flag) – on the 2nd date, he didn’t waste time letting me know that he liked being single, kids are grown, he has many personal interests and not into marriage – he doesn’t have a healthy relationship with his grown daughter or ex wife (red flag). He pushed very hard for my life story and thoughts on finances – he was being slick, but I was smart and responded just enough to get him off the subject. 2 days later, on our 3rd date, he immediately informed me he had to hurry back home to call his ex-girlfriend of 7 years – they broke up recently and he wanted to see where that was going to go and that he didn’t think he was ready for a serious relationship and that he picked up that I didn’t really need anyone in my life (laughing). So, I wished him good luck with things and went on my way; left me with a headache – maybe he thought I would be an easy rebound, as we’re neighbors – seems he’d been watching me for a while. So glad I dodged that bullet.

OmegaMan,

I can’t speak for Susan’s thoughts, but as a relationship guy with emotional needs I was equally heartbroken that the SMP was so messed up when I was in college. It’s all pretty much moved sexuality to the forefront of the dating process, where if a man or a woman is not sufficiently attractive in the first impression they are written off. It is sad.

Susan/Badger > Thanks for your feedback. Sorry, I might have given the impression that I was still single, but I did meet that special someone and (eventually) convinced her to marry me. But I wish I had met her back then. She had the requisite “bad boyfriend” in college. My experience was the opposite — a handful of first dates that went nowhere. I’m about a 5 on the attractiveness scale and never had much luck meeting girls. I spent most of my 20s single, frustrated, and unable to understand women’s behavior. The hookup scene only confounded things. I’m rather sensitive, and sex could never be just a meaningless act for me. I almost wrote off relationships completely, but met my now wife when I wasn’t even looking anymore. She was very open-minded when we met, given my lack of experience with relationships. I guess I got lucky. The thought of ever being single again is incentive enough to work hard in my marriage.

Susan > I have a B.A. in economics, and appreciate the social science aspect of your various threads. I’d like to email you some more thoughts on the hookup scene from my POV if that’s ok. Again, you’re fighting the good fight with this website. Young women are the ones most impacted by this whole sorry state of affairs. And I can’t say I admire the average guy these days, maybe because I never felt like one of them. I wasn’t interested being successful with X number of women, just with one. It took a long time just for that to happen.

P.S. > I changed my screen name slightly. I was unaware that a certain blogger goes by Omega Man. I didn’t want to be confused with him, though he has my sympathy!

Hi, Susan.

Thank you for your work and this informative website.  This site should also win awards for having the most interesting comment section.   Your engagement is superb!  This is also the first time I’ve felt this obligation to come out from lurking.  Kate Bolick’s article in the Atlantic magazine led to me this site.  Kate was spot on in her praise.

I’m a college age male engineering student who is in more desperate need of understanding than success (regarding the opposite sex and relationships).  There is much that I am starting to understand about my generation.  You’ve greatly improved my understanding of the dynamics between the sexes.  I’m greatly indebted.  Now, I hope to understand the racial dynamics of relationships.  I’m (very) multiracial, which for me adds more confusion and anxiety in a very segregated campus dating culture.  However, I do realize there are much larger obstacles from what I’ve seen in my peers.  You’ve opened my eyes to those dynamics (or market forces).

Thanks,

someINTP

Hi Susan,

I just discovered your site and love it, and was wondering if you’re writing a book (or if not, if you’d given any thought to doing so)? I’d definitely buy it for my teenage relatives if you did!

Diana

Hi Susan,

I am really impressed by this blog and the level of thought and care you have put into it.  Just the research listed alone is a very valuable resource. Thank you.

As someone who has been paying close attention to hook up culture, do you think that there any movement (or desire) to change it, or at least cultivate viable alternatives? I don’t mean pledges of chastity or formal non-hooking up social groups. While I am sure that may work for some young people it probably would not appeal to the majority of kids just longing to connect with someone. I hear the dissatisfaction in many of your readers words. I wonder how people could impact this culture or create their own that would be more satisfying.

There is a very interesting article on the changing role of women and men in society and it cites the “sexual economy” happening on college campuses. Hooking up extends well into adulthood for many, and reaches back into middle school. I do not have a moral problem with hooking up, but I feel sad about how many people follow this practice and are unhappy about it. What are your thoughts on this? Has this culture changes since you started tracking it? If you state this information somewhere else, feel free to send me a link.

Thank you,

Coley

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/11/all-the-single-ladies/8654/

I read the Article in The Atlantic yesterday which led me to look up your site.  After reading some of the points; I do feel this site could be useful to both young men and especially young women entering their adult sexual lives.

My reason is that I am a father of teenage girl on the cusp of being a young woman, and I spend a lot of time with her trying to prepare her for the beginning of her dating life with men.   Like all men, I had to learn how to navigate the dating world of women.  It was not easy or fun, and realistically, I hope that I can at least “guide” my daughter to understand what is a “good choice” and what is a “bad choice” in terms of men.

When she was a little younger, we watched the TV series “Gilmore Girls” together as a father/daughter show.  I really liked that it showed a young girl beginning life, and having the “good boyfriend-Dean”, and then, the “bad boyfriend-Jess”, and I tried to use that as a way to describe that men will come into your life, and you really have to be “judgemental” as a girl about them.  Sometimes…you will find “nice guys”  like Dean but, your attraction to them will not grow. (That’s okay.  Break up nice, and move forward.) 

Sometimes you will find “bad boys”like Jess, who you find attractive because they temporarily symbolize (strength and danger).  Some of those “bad boys” are just men acting a little tough to attract girls…and they will mellow and maybe channel themselves in positive ways..  Others, are just “broken little boys” on their way to becoming “cirminals”.  You can’t “Fix” these losers!  And you have to learn to cut these out of your life quick before they damage you emotionally, and possibly physically.

The most basic thing I am concerned about is “sexual safety” which is the right of my daughter to say “no” in any dating relationship, and for the “boys/men” to understand and respect her right to say “no”.   This is a message that needs to get out to both, young men and young women more forcefully. 

The “hooking up” culture does not offer this kind of safety to women, and I fear that too many “quite rapes” which are redefined as “hook ups”  are occrurring, especially when alcholic impairment is involved.  If a girl leaves a party or campus event of bar with a “casual stranger”, and ends up in a quiet location, she is at risk….period.

It is unfortunate that we do not see on TV any shows (reality or otherwise) where young adults in a sexual situation say “no, I want to stop”.  Instead all the shows seem to show “the passionate hookup” and “no consequences”.  How many of these “bar to bed hookups” resulted in a sexually transmitted “surprise present” being given to one of the particpants? 

This is the message that must be shared with both young men, and young women.  Unfortunately, I feel that too many young men are “losing the guidance’ of older men in their lives, and even religion, in terms of respecting the rights of young women.  It is a combination of many things, from family breakdown, to violent video games that encourage excessive bad actions, to music that devalues women, to the loss of religious guidance.  Taken together; the result is a less safe environment for young women and young men to navigate the basic process of getting to know eachother in terms of  personal relationships.

I feel as a father, that I must impart to my daughter the ability to be more descriminating in her overall choices in men.  I often tell my daughter “It takes 1 bad boy to wreck 10 good girls”., not from fear but, from real world experience.  One of her recent “suitors” has a Facebook page where his lists his “Likes”, and “Hot Chicks” is prominently listed.  I know as a teenage boy, I also was attracted to “pretty girls”, but, the fact this this boy would prominently display his “Likes” on Facebook towards girls should demonstrate that he is “looking for easy scores”, and my daughter should not “play in his game”.    Thankfully…this time…she took my advice.

Good luck to all the daughters out there.  We want you all to grow up to be happy, successfull women with future familes of your own, and hope you will not become damaged as you search for a person who can be a strong “spiritual” and “physical” male partner in your life.

Susan-Smart site, smart gal. My son told me about “hooking up” or at least detailed more of what I’d read around the time Tom Wolfe’s “I am (?)” (don’t recall title; very forgettable TW novel. Timmons? Anyway, “hooking up” sounds like something cooked up by guys, in fact it’s what gay dudes used to tell me they did pre-AIDS (late 70s). I said as much, and my son said in reality most of the chicks he knew reacted like they would have in my day-feeling ripped off, emotionally bereft, partially confirmed in their sexuality but paying a lot for it.

@ 45 Kari Hurtta; Preview-button gives completely different result than a final post.

( A morning coffee is ready. Nobody else is woken up. )

i was wondring if older adults ( 30+) are participating in the” hook-up” culture trend?

Hi Susan!
I need help! I just moved to NYC after finishing college (I’m 23). I don’t know many people here, and the ones I do know are very much home buddies, so I am not meeting a lot of new people, friend wise, or guy wise, through them. I’m actually pretty outgoing and love people, so being without too many friends in the city is new to me. So, I decided to take matters into my own hand by joining an online dating site. But now that I am on it, I am further confused by what would be “appropriate behavior” i.e. ladylike. Taking a lot of my advice from “He’s just not that into you” I usually like when a guy chases and does the work – though I somehow still never followed that fully. Wouldn’t that seem counter- intuitive to a dating site though, to sit back and let people email you. I was emailing with one guy, who seemed really cute and nice, so I was forward and asked him to add me on Facebook. Then we chatted there, he would sometimes start the conversations, and he did ask questions, so I hinted a few times to him some stuff, like “where is the best place to get a taco in this city” or “busy week this week?” – he didn’t get the hint, or maybe didn’t want to. I know he is very busy with med school exams a week away, so I finally told him “will we be pen pals then until you’re done with school?” he laughed and said maybe till end of 2011 so then I just said, “I know your are busy with exams, but if you ever want to grab coffee, let me know” and gave him my digits, he seemed interested gave me his number back and said he will make time to have coffee or drinks. This was all last night, and mind you, this whole conversations and chats took place in less than a week. Maybe I just don’t have patience to let the guy come to his own and ask me out? I am eager to see what happens with this boy, for example, if he does actually text me. But regardless, I feel bad for being so forward. What are the rules for online dating? (Besides all the “safety” rules one should follow)

Some background: I think my biggest faults are that I can be too forward because I have no patience, and that I can friendzone guys very easily and sometimes do so unintentionally as I try to make myself and them feel more at ease.

Thanks for your help!

Hi Susan!

I am a 22yo girl, in my fourth year of attending Northeastern University, and I have been reading your blog since I stumbled across it in Google (probably while googling something along the lines of “does he like me??!!!”). Anyways, I have experienced today’s hookup culture firsthand, like your daughter and her friends, but I was not prepared for it at all. My mother never went to college, never slept with anyone except my father; I don’t have an older sibling or cousin I could ever talk to. So I am really thankful for your blog in that aspect. I am so glad that I never caved into joining the hookup culture just because I felt compelled to or anything. I have stuck to my values and have had sex with only the three amazing boyfriends I’ve had (beginning after high school). Anyways, this is just to thank you for always being the motherly/reasonable voice during the most volatile time in my life. And if you still have those discussion dinners with your daughters/her friends/other young women, I would absolutely LOVE to be a part of them, since I am so close by!

Thank you again!!

Rachel

Hello, I am interested in having you on a guest on my radio show which I linked to. I cover a wide range of topics as you can see and I deal with many of the same issues covered in your blog. I can’t seem to get your e-mail connection to work.

Please send me an e-mail if you are interested. Thanks.