About
Mission Statement
HookingUpSmart.com aims to support women and men in their search for meaningful relationships by providing strategic insight, guidance, and perspective as they manage their social and sexual interactions. It’s a place to laugh, learn and commiserate about everything related to romance and longing.
About Me, Susan Walsh
Strategy Consultant
Since earning my MBA in 1983 from The Wharton School, I have worked with companies and non-profit organizations to identify key challenges and opportunities, and formulate winning strategies. Launched in November, 2008, Hooking Up Smart brings together my passion and concern for young women with a professional, practical and systematic problem-solving approach.
Cool Mom
I came of age during the 70s and 80s, witnessing (and enjoying) the effects of the sexual revolution. Our generation straddled the line between traditional dating and hooking up, and I’ve experienced the pros and cons of each. In recent years, I’ve been a mentor and counselor to young women trying to navigate the hookup culture and find love in a hostile climate. I’ve learned firsthand that smart, young women are capable of great things armed with encouragement and good information.
What is Hooking Up?[1. Bogle, Kathleen A. Hooking Up: Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus. New York: New York University Press, 2008.]
- Hooking up is a term to describe a sexual encounter between two people. It is a deliberately vague expression, and can mean making out, having intercourse, or anything in between.
- Hooking up has replaced traditional dating on college campuses, and has also become prevalent in the general population and culture. The hallmark of hooking up is the clear understanding between both parties that the encounter will be free from any expectations for further contact. It is designed to avoid the possibility of commitment. However, hooking up is still the primary pathway to a potential romantic relationship.
- The hookup script reverses the sexual norm; the pair becomes sexual first, before emotional intimacy or a relationship is established.
Hooking Up Stats
- 91% of students report that hooking up is very common or fairly common on their campuses.[2. Glenn, Norval and Marquardt, Elizabeth. "Hooking Up, Hanging Out and Hoping for Mr. Right - College Women on Mating and Dating Today." Institute for American Values. July, 2001.]
- 87% of college students report having hooked up.[3. Kahn, Fricker, Hoffman, Lambert, Tripp and Childress. "Hooking up: Dangerous new dating methods?" American Psychological Association Symposium: Sex, unwanted, sex, and sexual assault on college campuses. 2000.]
- 73% of girls wish dating was more common.[4. "The Truth About Hooking Up." Cosmopolitan. October, 2008: 190-1.]
- 12% of hookups eventually lead to relationships.[5. Hayes, Allison, McManus, Brian and Paul, Elizabeth. "Hookups: Characteristics and Correlates of College Students' Spontaneous and Anonymous Sexual Experiences." The Journal of Sex Research. February, 2000.]
- 60% of sexually active teenagers will at some point have sex with someone they are not dating.[6. Manning, Giordano, and Longmore. "Hooking up: The relationship contexts of 'non-relationship' sex." Journal of Adolescent Research, 21(5), 2006: 459-483.]
- 49% of students who have intercourse during a hookup never see the other person again.[7. Bogle, Kathleen A. Hooking Up: Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus. New York: New York University Press, 2008.]
- 61% of women who say hooking up makes them feel desirable also say it makes them feel awkward.[8. Glenn, Norval and Marquardt, Elizabeth. "Hooking Up, Hanging Out and Hoping for Mr. Right - College Women on Mating and Dating Today." Institute for American Values. July, 2001.]
- 44% of the time guys have an orgasm during a hookup, while girls have orgasms only 19% of the time.[9. "The Truth About Hooking Up." Cosmopolitan. October, 2008: 190-1. England, Paula, PhD, Professor of Sociology, Stanford University.]
- 12% of women say that it is sometimes easier to have sex with a guy they don’t know than to make conversation.[10. Glenn, Norval and Marquardt, Elizabeth. "Hooking Up, Hanging Out and Hoping for Mr. Right - College Women on Mating and Dating Today." Institute for American Values. July, 2001.]
Please feel free to contact me using the form below. I welcome all questions, comments and feedback!
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Hey Susan,
Us at Leftos have really enjoyed your blog ever since we came across it. In the middle of this coming January, we'll be launching new designs and features for Leftos.com. Along with this launch, we are going to be changing our company's blog to be more of a resource. One of the things we're going to do is take popular questions asked by Leftos users on the site and have guest bloggers answer them. We'd love to have you guest blog once or twice.
If you're interested, please email Ken@Leftos.com and he'll be able to explain more about it.
Thanks
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Susan, I've been banned from his blog, but I thought you might find my rebuttal interesting to read:
http://butterflysquash.wordpress.com/2010/02/19...
What firm(s) did you work for in strategy consulting? Would you still advise someone to pursue this career path?
My recent post Puja – Dana Pt. 2
Hi VI, I started out doing strategy for American Express, then joined a boutique firm in Cambridge, MA founded by Harvard Business School profs, long since acquired. After that I did a lot of subcontracting through them and a lot of independent consulting over the years.
It can be a great career path. Very interesting work, and decent pay. The problem, as with any client service business, is that they basically own you. I worked 90 hours a week until a few days before I gave birth. It was crazy – there were nights I never even went home. So it's a question of balancing lifestyle and content. Not for everyone, but a young, bright guy? Sure, why not?
hi okay so i admit that i got myself into this mess, but i'm so confused so i decided to ask you. My situation is as follows… __I met this guy at a parade about a month ago, and we hit it off right away. We've been talking non-stop since then and it feels like a real relationship, but we started out saying that we were both not looking for a real relationship and i was more than happy with not being tied down to more than one guy. We both have the same personality and have the same taste for relationships. I'm not afraid to say that we do our own share of flirting. Anyway since we started talking i'm falling, hard. Its extremley abnormal for me to like someone this much. Normally i just have my "use em and loose em" additude but with him its different. Like when we spend the day together normally i get bored after a few hours and are happy when they finally leave but not with him. I find myself wanting him to stay longer and longer the better i get to know him. I know the signs for when i'm being played, but with him i just dont know. We talk on the phone, so its not just texting.
We're the first person we talk to in the morning and the last at night, we talk about our family issues that not alot of ppl know about. We know eachothers friends and my family loves him and i know his family too. He was my date to a rlly important event, we hold hands in public, when we hang out we're not all physical. And i want to ask him if we could be exclusive but i'd rather stay like this than loose him. He's an amazing guy and he definently deserved better than me. I'm not one to give out my heart easily because i know ill only get it back broken or have to break someone elses. I've always been the one giving advice but ill admit when i need some. Please help, is it just a hook up or could there be something more going on?
I can understand the reasoning behind hooking up.
Fewer expectations, fewer disappointments.
Hi Rea thanks for leaving your question. First of all, don’t say that he deserves better than you! You should feel great about what you have to offer – obviously he is strongly attracted to you and enjoys your company. So try not to be insecure about your own worth.
As for what is going on in his mind, I think you know that the only way to know is to ask him. You don’t have to be all needy and clingy – just say that you are really enjoying spending time together, but that if he is still determined to keep is casual that perhaps you should see each other a bit less. Giving him your full time and attention without a commitment isn’t working for you, but it’s probably just fine with him. Often, men see no reason to change the relationship if everything is going fine.
If he wants to be with you exclusively, great. If not, then you need to protect your heart and pull back a bit.
Hi Michael, thanks for leaving a comment! I think you’re right about the reasoning, and sometimes that works. Often though, the intentions play out differently and one party starts raising their expectations, which raises the likelihood of disappointment. Women in particular are prone to this – we tell ourselves we don’t want a relationship, but the truth is, most of us prefer commitment.
Commitment does have its advantages.
The temptation to start to expect what we want, to see signs that we are close to getting what we want, is huge.
Do you ever give talks at universities?
I’d much rather invite you than have Jessica Valenti again, though the people who make these decisions may not agree.
Hi Susan,
Just a quick note:
Be encouraged! You’re doing a great job. You’ve got an important message. Often, it’s the case that the “dissenters” and “arguers” are the most vocal while those who are benefiting from your messages remain silent…but don’t let that deter you. Your voice is needed.
And, if I can ever do anything for you, don’t hesitate to ask.
Warmly,
Calle
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