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The Millennials Dating Script Gets a Rewrite

traditional datingH/T to MM

Boston College professor Jesse Cronin offers her students an opportunity to earn extra credit in her Perspectives on Western Culture class. The assignment is simple but far from easy: Ask someone out on a date.

Cronin says this all came together for her during a lecture she gave about the campus hookup culture eight years ago. She says she was nervously anticipating controversial questions about sex and intimacy, but instead one student asked, “How would you ask someone on a date?”

As she began to answer, the questioner became more specific: “Like, the actual words.”

The Millennials don’t have a dating script. They’re game to try it, they just need to learn their lines first. I’ve written before about young people wanting to date and have committed relationships. They clearly do. “63 percent of college-age men and 83 percent of college-age women, would prefer a traditional relationship to an uncommitted sexual one, one study found.”

But students lack the script that accompanies social norms. Here’s why:

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Your Looks, Your Call

There’s been a disturbing and predictable trend of guys getting online to lecture women on what’s hot and what’s not. A recent notable example is this video from Vine teen celebrity Nash Grier and pals:

The video generated a great deal of blowback. My favorite rebuttal is from Hank Green, (vlogger and brother of John Green of TFIOS fame):

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DADMEN

DADMENAfter many years of attending backyard barbecues and buying cards for my own dad on Father’s Day, I had my first child, and Father’s Day was suddenly about our own little family.

Over the years, Father’s Day has been a day for my children and husband to celebrate together. Each year, while helping the kids to make it happen, I’ve reflected on the kind of father my husband is. I feel grateful that he is nurturing and involved with our kids. He has given them something I could not – the love, care, and wisdom of a father.

In a culture that promotes physical intimacy before emotional intimacy, the prevailing script is that men want no-strings sex with as many women as they can attract. Is that really what guys want?

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Avoid This Attachment Style in Dating!

poohFor months now J 2.0 and other readers here have been saying great things about the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind – and Keep – Love I finally grabbed a copy and it was so good I went through it a second time and took notes. This is a book that will literally change the way you date!

Attached explains to the lay reader the science of human attachment. This is a relatively new field. Authors Levine and Heller reject the traditional therapy model that discourages dependency between individuals. Instead, they argue that dependency is natural and unavoidable:

“Numerous studies show that once we become attached to someone, the two of us form one physiological unit. Our partner regulates our blood pressure, our heart rate, our breathing, and the level of hormones in our blood.

…Dependency is a fact; it is not a choice or preference.”

Attachment style is so important in human relationships that choosing a mate with a compatible style is essential to relationship success.

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Who Wants a Manwhore?

images (6)Yesterday I wrote about the twisted, deformed definition of masculinity that depends solely on a man’s level of sexual experience with many partners. The men who subscribe to this view willingly forfeit all control of their identity by asking women to judge their desirability as the sole measure of their worth. They believe that manwhore status is the ultimate chick bait. Are they right?

We know that social proof is powerful reinforcement – but is there any limit to the promiscuity women desire or find acceptable in men? Past research has demonstrated that both women and men have a vested interest in securing a partner with limited sexual experience:

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