Does Sex Before Commitment Reveal Sexual Compatibility?

sexual compatibilityPerhaps the most difficult mating decision women face in the early days of dating someone is the question of when to have sex. You like a guy, you believe he likes you, but you don’t want to go ahead, only to have him fizzle it or disappear. On the other hand, you don’t want to delay sex to the point where he thinks you’ve got “issues” and decides you’re not a sexual person.

In fact, you are a sexual person, and you’d really like to have sex with this guy – if he’s down for a relationship. Meanwhile, he may be thinking he’d like to have a relationship with you – if it’s going to be awesome sexually.

Guys frequently claim that sexual compatibility must be determined before they even consider commitment. From his perspective, he needs to take the girl for a test drive and look under the hood so that he doesn’t wind up with a sexual lemon. This should happen as soon as possible, so that he doesn’t spend his time or money on a girl who isn’t going to blow his mind in bed.

Is this a reasonable request? More importantly, can an early “test drive” indicate future relationship quality or even sexual satisfaction over time?

What is sexual compatibility?

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Love People, Use Things to Find Happiness

love-in-parisNew York Times contributing writer Arthur C. Brooks penned an essay this past weekend on the futility of our constant pursuit of happiness.

For one thing, the people who score highest on Happiness metrics tend to also score higher on Unhappiness. What’s important is the net deficit or surplus of happiness:

Bad: UnH > H

Good: H > UnH

Brooks cites numerous ways in which we make ourselves less happy even as we pursue a sense of well-being. [Read more...]


The Sexual Dissatisfaction Spreadsheet

I’m being inundated with reader emails! Lots of you want to know what I think about the Pouty Husband Sends Wife Spreadsheet Detailing Sex-Life Dissatisfaction story that went viral thanks to Deadspin a few days ago.

I hadn’t planned to write on it, because I generally don’t see much value in one-off sensational stories, but here we go, by popular demand!

From her original Reddit post:

“Yesterday morning, while in a taxi on the way to the airport, Husband sends a message to my work email which is connected to my phone. He’s never done this, we always communicate in person or by text. I open it up, and it’s a sarcastic diatribe basically saying he won’t miss me for the 10 days I’m gone.

Attached is a SPREADSHEET of all the times he has tried to initiate sex since June 1st, with a column for my “excuses”, using verbatim quotes of why I didn’t feel like having sex at that very moment. According to his ‘document’, we’ve only had sex 3 times in the last 7 weeks, out of 27 “attempts” on his part.”

Here’s the spreadsheet: [Read more...]


The Millennials Dating Script Gets a Rewrite

traditional datingH/T to MM

Boston College professor Jesse Cronin offers her students an opportunity to earn extra credit in her Perspectives on Western Culture class. The assignment is simple but far from easy: Ask someone out on a date.

Cronin says this all came together for her during a lecture she gave about the campus hookup culture eight years ago. She says she was nervously anticipating controversial questions about sex and intimacy, but instead one student asked, “How would you ask someone on a date?”

As she began to answer, the questioner became more specific: “Like, the actual words.”

The Millennials don’t have a dating script. They’re game to try it, they just need to learn their lines first. I’ve written before about young people wanting to date and have committed relationships. They clearly do. “63 percent of college-age men and 83 percent of college-age women, would prefer a traditional relationship to an uncommitted sexual one, one study found.”

But students lack the script that accompanies social norms. Here’s why:

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Your Looks, Your Call

There’s been a disturbing and predictable trend of guys getting online to lecture women on what’s hot and what’s not. A recent notable example is this video from Vine teen celebrity Nash Grier and pals:

The video generated a great deal of blowback. My favorite rebuttal is from Hank Green, (vlogger and brother of John Green of TFIOS fame):

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