Contact
Have a question or need advice? Please feel free to contact me using the form below.
I read all letters from readers. Due to the volume of mail, I can’t guarantee a personal response or that I’ll use your question in a post.
If you’re eager for quick feedback on a particular question, a good alternative is to post it in the Forum.
[ Q ] can and is a guy who has asked women out over the corse of time and has nothing too show for it but being turned down, each and every time, is he as a matter of fact concidered a loser?
No, I would not say so. But he’s probably making some mistakes that are preventing him from coming across well to women. He may be targeting the wrong women. He may be using the wrong approach. He may have some difficulty navigating social situations and need to read female cues better. There are many men who have experienced years of frustration and failure, who have turned it around by learning Game. Female psychology plays a big role in sexual attraction, so a man needs to understand how women think and what they want if he is going to have a shot at appealing to them.
Hi Susan Walsh, I read your response to article “http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2009/07/17/hookinguprealities/what-women-really-think-about-penis-size/” and was really intrigued. I love your response because it makes me feel more secured about myself and my penis size. I know it’s silly because, I guess with how the media(I mean, porn) portrays penis size, it make’s me feel that my above average size is quite small. I am 5.9-6.2 erected, assuming I am measuring right from tip to base(top of my pelvis to the end of my penis), anyhow! I love my girlfriend currently, in fact, I call her my Wifey. I am going to marry her, it’s only been a few month’s I know for some people it’s stupid, but I don’t need to care about what other think, I just need to worry about what I think, and if in the end it doesn’t worth it, then it’s the best experience that ever happened in my life, and if it does work out then it is the best experience in my life… I really have high hopes and I know she’s the one because today she tied my shoes, and I cried because I never felt so loved, our love touches our soul it touches my heart, and it make’s me such a crybaby in so many ways… I don’t want to lose her over my penis size confidence dilemma, many I should just shut hell up, and show more confidence because it is messing it up for us =(
I question so much, my confidence does screw me over so much, I need your help, you say your not an expert, but your far more experience, and your modest and honest, I can trust your opinion =)
I don’t know if I please her enough, does penis size really matter DOES IT! Do I need to be packing a 7 or 8 inch penis, will she ever cheat on me with another man for his size, does she want more, I question so much =( She’s pretty trustworthy, but in the end does she want something bigger and better ? I don’t know why I question myself so much maybe this lies between trust issues, I do trust her, I do love her, but I want her to have the best-est thing because she deserves the best, she’s special to me, and if it’s without me, then so be it =( As for our love life, I know it’s not the size, it’s not even about the sex, it’s about your five senses + brain power. I do so many wild things with her. I take her to the craziest places, and we make love everywhere. I kiss her below her knees, on her knees, in middle of her arms, between her toes, on her pelvis, on her waist, I caress her with my tongue as I swivel it on her tummy.
I do so much, I put in the time for the crime =P. She tells me that every-time we do have sex, she orgasms at least 4-6 times, is that really the truth? I don’t know if it is because she’s unsure too, I mean can a female be unsure when she finishes? She say’s she doesn’t know because nothing comes out, but she does get this tingly sensation, and she says its when she peaks, is this consider an orgasm for a female? I don’t know I’M A MAN, for Christ-sake! My confidence is really screwing me over, should I just not think about it, and just keep on pleasing her with all that I got, all that any man can give her so that no one will ever take my darling away, I love her dearly, she’s really attached to me also, does this mean a lot? She has cried a lot because I threaten to leave(not over penis, but other problems). She says she loves me and she wants to be with me, and she doesn’t see herself with anyone else. I figure that’s the typical thing to say, so I’m unsure of what is the truth. Maybe she feels this way now, but maybe when it’s over she’ll forget about me.
I’m working on this for not a short term not a long term but forever, I’m done searching, and I really want to know if she is too, or maybe I’m too much to handle or too much to take care of, she say’s she wants the same thing, married, kids, family, in fact she thinks she’s going overboard with the whole marriage thing, but she really wants it.
I should really listen to her, and start tossing my insecurity in the trash bin, I need to man up get my confidence back and find my mojo and put it back in place. I’m sorry for the rant, I just would love your opinion on the matter, you seem very helpful, but then again your not in my shoes… Anyhow, I know what to do, I guess writing this did help out a lot, and thanks again for your reviewed comment on the article posted above, it really got me back to where I need to be. Thanks!
Reed, thanks for leaving a comment. First of all, let me assure you that your penis is totally average size. It’s not big, nor small. You’re right on the mean. That means you can just stop worrying about it! Don’t let porn make you feel this way! It sounds like your girlfriend loves having sex with you, and your insecurity will make it hard for her to adore your penis when you are ashamed of it! If you have these feelings, I urge you to keep them to yourself – don’t devalue yourself in her eyes.
As for her orgasms, women absolutely know when they come, exactly as men do. Scientists actually believe the feeling is very similar for both sexes. Women do have the ability to have multiple orgasms without a waiting period, so it sounds like she is very satisfied sexually. I can’t imagine she would go seeking another man for that reason – she’s already having lots of orgasms, and what more could she want?
I agree that you really need to work on the insecurity. It’s a relationship destroyer. If she has earned your trust, and says that she loves you, you owe it to her to believe that. Do what you need to do to get your mind in the right place. This is your issue, not hers, and it could drive her away if you are constantly insecure and fearful.
Susan Walsh, I read your excellent article “What Women Really Think About Penis Size”, and I thought you were very sympathetic and sensitive when it came to this issue. I think it’s very helpful for girls and women to let us know that they love, appreciate and accept us the way we are. I think us men put great emphasis on what women think about our penises, which I suppose contradicts one of the statements you made in your article. Well, I can say that in my case, what other guys thought didn’t really matter to me. It’s when I heard girls talking about penis size that I started worrying about it. Women don’t know just how much power they have over men’s confidence. Women can hurt us really badly, just by ridiculing our penises!
Recently, this girl I’m attracted to, wrote about seeing this guy’s big penis, and telling me how beautiful it was. Then she wrote he was “a foot long and a mile hot”, while she called me “an inch long and not so hot”. She hasn’t seen my penis, but I’ve told her I’m 5-5 1/2 inches, and she responded “It’s small”. She also told me she might laugh if she saw my penis, and that she hoped I wouldn’t “slip out”. I’ve told her that I’d want to please her, if we have sex, no matter what, and then she tells me she’d laugh at me! I’ve known her for almost 4 years, and she’s asked me about my size several times. She’s never had sex, and she’s told me she’s “wide” down there, and now she tells me it doesn’t matter what size I am. I don’t understand women!
Erik, nice to meet you thanks for leaving a comment. Listen, this girl you’re attracted to? She’s horrible. Insensitive, wrong and stupid. 5-51/2 inches is not small. A foot long penis is about as common as a unicorn, and no woman in her right mind would want one anyway. She’s never had sex, and she’s “wide” down there? Um, that’s nothing to boast about. It’s not your problem if her vag is larger than a wizard’s sleeve. Seriously, find someone with better character and more intelligence. She’s trash.
Oh I get the feeling I’ve been writing you in the wrong place.
Hey Susan,
Are you interested in writing a post comparing alpha and beta men. What makes them better or worse husbands, boyfriends, one night stands. Just an overall comparison as to what makes them different from each other.
Please get back to me when you’re free, I’m interested in hearing what you have to say on the subject.
Thank you,
Jonathan
bricona@care2.com
Thank you for the answer, Susan. I don’t want to completely give up on this girl. It might seem strange to to you, but I know there’s more to her than her immature comments and teasing. I could tell you a lot more about this, but I don’t want to divulge too much infomation. I’d have to do it more in private.
I wanted to ask you something. Do you think there’s a double standard with regard to how men and women are treated with regard to their feelings? It just seems like it’s more accepted to step on a man’s feelings and to ridicule and humiliate him, as opposed to doing the same to a woman. Am I wrong here?
@Erik
I’m not aware of any real difference in the way that men and women treat one another. Narcissists are the most unfeeling people, and they used to be 75% men, but women have pretty much caught up. I don’t think it should be acceptable to step on anyone’s feelings by ridiculing and humiliating them, and I hate to see anyone put up with it.
Hey I was just making sure that you got my message
No rush in answering.
@Renee
I didn’t get it! I’ve searched back through your past comments on two different posts – one in late August, one late September, but I haven’t received anything since. Could you try sending it again?
I sent my message using the form under this contact section at the top of the page. I’m guessing it was more of a personal message. After I sent it, there was a message that said it was sent.
If you didn’t get it, then I see if I can remember what I typed and send it to you again.
Renee, I’m sorry, I’ve checked again using your name, email and IP address. No luck. It never arrived, and is probably somewhere in the ether. If you are inclined to write it out again, I’ll respond immediately.
Merciful heavens is this supposed to be public?
I can see it, should I be seeing it? or is there a glitch in the Susan-Time Contiuum?
Ok no problem
My question was this:
It has been said that promiscuous women in casual sex aren’t selective of the men they sleep with. But here’s the thing though. If only about 20% of men are getting the most action, then wouldn’t that mean that women ARE selective in a sense that they choose to sleep with alphas? Unless alphas in general don’t have positive, redeeming qualities (hence women liking “bad boys”).
Speaking of the guys, are promiscuous guys selective of the women that they sleep with? It has also been said that guys are particular about women when it comes to long term relationships. So does that mean that men will sleep with just about any woman if she’s available? And why can’t it be believed that women who have casual sex can be selective in choosing a long term partner as well?
Well I think that about covers it
No rush in answering, take your time.
Anon, Snowdrop?
The comments here have been left publicly. One can obviously also use the contact form to email me privately. I respond either way!
@Renee
There is nothing inherently wrong with Alpha males, but because they are the men who tend to have the greatest number of women interested in them, they are often reluctant to commit, especially when young (<25). Women select them because they perceive them to be the “best,” highest status males. In doing so, they often overlook good men who may not have the characteristics, including some negative ones, i.e. arrogance, that alphas are likely to have. Women seek dominant men, but this is a trait that can easily be abused. Hence, all the women you see going for “bad boys” as you say.
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Re men’s selectivity, they are notoriously flexible when it comes to short-term sex. In fact, research shows that the qualities they prize in a short-term partner are a very high sex drive, and a lot of sexual experience. For long-term mating, they prefer a minimum of sexual experience, as they believe it signals a lack of fitness for long-term commitment. This is why a guy with the looks of a Tom Brady may be seen making out with a woman far less attractive than he is, especially at closing time. Hence the term butterface – guys go for the body over the face when it’s just one night.
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Women who have a lot of casual sex can indeed be very selective in their choice of a long-term partner. However, a couple of different problems are likely to arise. First, a woman who is promiscuous will have most likely have had the experience of snagging sex with men better looking than herself. She will usually then make the mistake of thinking a guy with those looks is her best bet for an LTR. However, the men that had sex with her once will not stoop to date her or publicly spend time with her. In other words, if she is a 5, she can probably get a ONS with a 7. But she can only date a 5, something she is unlikely to want after having sex with all those 7s.
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The second problem is that when a woman does attract a man of similar attractiveness, if she has been promiscuous he may object. When he asks her number, if she is truthful, she may say 40, a number not unusual for some college women. A large number of men would immediately eliminate her from consideration based on that number. So regardless of how selective she is, she may well find that selective men do not want her.
I saw there is a lot of advise on your site about how to date and hook up. I am wondering if there is any good advise or books you could refer to on how to meet single women?
I am graduating from grad school, Computer Science at Princeton. I see tons of cute girls here on campus who are intelligent too. Unfortunately I don’t know them and haven’t gotten anywhere with them, other than say ONS (random women I don’t know sometimes pick me up…but it doesn’t really help me get a girlfriend, and hurt me, so I stopped doing that), or random dates that haven’t progressed. In the grad program I’ve been single for the past 5 years, simply because nearly all of my guy friends are single, and all the women I know are taken! (Many guys I know are actually virgins and in their 30s, I’m not a big fan of hooking up, but I can count my blessings!). My friends’ friends are also single guys, so that’s not really helpful.
Bottom line is, I think I could do well in dating if I could simply meet some single women (preferring intelligent attractive career professionals). And I don’t know the best venues for that…
Also I have read pickup literature and am aware of the evolutionary psych underpinnings of the dating game. So I’m curious is it really necessary for a guy to hook up? I get the impression that many American women seem to want that nowadays. But I just find myself getting used and discarded and don’t enjoy it at all, I would rather date until someone is committed, preferably someone who hasn’t messed around in the past.
@Anonymous
I admire your interest in a real and meaningful relationship. I wrote a post that gives lots of suggestions about where to meet people:
http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2010/05/15/hookinguprealities/57-ways-to-meet-the-love-of-your-life/
Also, here are the most common ways people meet their spouses:
1. School
2. Work
3. Friends of Friends
4. Random encounters
It sounds like #4 will be critical for you – you will need to put yourself out there to meet new people!
Hi Susan,
I have seen you listed the stat a few times on this site about only 20% of men and but 80% of women get sex on a regular basis. Can you post a link to the source? I know you have a lot of sources listed on your site, but I want to know which one it is. Also, what is the age range of the men and women in this study? And what settings is this study limited to, if any (i.e. college campus)?
I don’t like the fact that alphas are getting all the play. Being that I’m a guy who has only had a few partners and KNOWS that he is not alpha, do you have any words of encouragement? I looking to have a few more partners before I settle down for a long-term relationship.
By the way, thank you for being so objective and not taking sides against either males or females. I have seen a lot of rather comments messages sent your way, and you have handled them all with class.
@That guy says,
If you want to learn how to enter the 20% of men who have/use game, go to:
roissy.wordpress.com
You don’t have to become an asshole like Roissy but it helps to learn tactics from a master. Same as you might not want to become an anti-Jew racist asshole like Patton, but if you’re going to war, wouldn’t hurt to read his stuff anyway.
@anonymous @ 2:13 am
You and your thirty year old virgin friends might be interested to meet some of the female MDiv students at Princeton Theological Seminary. Likely, they are long-term minded only.
One particular young woman there is the most elegant,classy, and wittiest young woman on the planet. As my initials are jz, hers are rz.
@That Guy
Sorry for the delayed response. I took apart the 80/20 issue as best I could in this post:
http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2010/09/14/hookinguprealities/sex-and-the-pareto-principle/
I used whatever data I could find – this is not something that has ever been studied or quantified by academics, AFAIK.
Hey is Renee again, and I come baring another question.
For a long time now, women have had multiple methods of birth control, as well as condoms for males. Yet even today, men are turned off by women who has a promiscous past, one of the reasons being potential ambiguous paternity risks.
Why is that? With all the birth control methods, what is it about promiscous women that automatically equates to paternity risks. My guess is that men simply want to lower the risks. Yet with men having ONE main birth control method, you would think they would be even more at risk to impregnating someone. Yes condoms are almost 100% effective, but so are the MULTIPLE methods of birth control for women.
Promiscous women are also seen as poor candidates for long-term relationships. Why is that? What makes women having and enjoying casual sex poor candidates compared to men who do the same?
Now I do remember an answer from a commentor saying that women naturally don’t desire to have sex with multiple partners but with a few that she feels close to, or something like that.
We talk about how there MUST be something wrong with women who enjoy casual sex with different partners, or that they’ll feel bad afterward. The thing is, these conversations leave out the fact that some women out there who choose to have casual sex, do it not out of a need to feel important or powerful or needed….but simply because they enjoy it, nothing more. My question is, what about those women, unless they don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. And perhaps them enjoying means that there’s something wrong?
I don’t know. I’ll stop now because I’m starting to confuse myself lol. And I’m sorry if I’m being redundant yet again, but some of this stuff really confuses me and I wonder about the logic behind all of this. And please know that I don’t support promiscuity in females and males, and that’s pretty much why I clash with some of the ideas when it comes to these topics.
P.S.
Ignore the message that was sent. I keeping forgetting that there’s a form at the bottom of the page
Hi Renee,
Men reject women with extensive sexual histories for a couple of reasons. The most important one is that, as you say, it’s very difficult for a man to know who is the biological father of a woman’s child. Today this is not necessarily an issue, with birth control, and paternity testing available. However, we really haven’t evolved much in the last 10,000 years, and back then it was essential that a man mate with a woman he could trust. Sexual fidelity and purity was the best predictor of that. The second reason is that the more sexual partners a woman has had, the more likely she is to cheat and divorce in the future. Research shows this to be the case. Promiscuous women are not good bets for lifelong monogamy.
I understand that women can and do enjoy sex, and if they’re not in a relationship, they may choose to have casual sex. That is certainly their right, and not hard to come by, lol. But they should be aware that it may affect their reputation, and be unacceptable to a man in the future. The sexual double standard is here to stay.
I commented on a recent post about why your posts tend to focus on college aged women (slutty ones at that) and you asked what kind of advice the post college woman would want. I’ve thought a lot about it and what I remember most from your posts is that women have too high of expectations and I want to learn how to get my expectations in check without lowering my standards, or settling really. I completely agree that women, myself included, do have unrealistic expectations. I’m 31 and have been single for a few years now and I think a lot of it is my fault, in terms of expectations and the fact that I’m terrified of marrying the wrong guy and ending up like my parents. They’ve been married for almost 40 yrs and basically hate each other, like really dislike each other but yet they’re still married. Granted that’s a whole other issue but I’m tired of coming up with excuses and I dont know how to find a decent guy at my age. It seems like guys just don’t even approach women anymore, or at least me and I know that it’s not because I’m not attractive. ( im not conceited, i just know that im not ugly)I’ve done the online dating thing but I think a lot of times I sabotage most chances or I’m not at all interested in the guys that are interested in me. I did recently go out with a guy I thought was great but he freaked out after date 3 and stood me up on date 4 but still texts me, sometimes inappropriately, whenever he gets lonely or whatever. You were definitely right though, when a guys SAYS he doesn’t want a relationship, believe him. I have learned something! I completely misread the situation and the one guy I have been interested in recently, blew up in my face. What is a single, post college, girl to do to find a decent guy w/o either freaking him out or myself in the process?
Dont think this went through the first time I sent it, so trying again
Cbear
Just wanted to let you know I sent you a message! Thanks for you help!
@Cbear
Sorry, I just saw your comment. Thanks for the input, I will definitely keep it in mind. I’m really thinking hard about expanding the blog – both in terms of age, and also some posts that may not be about dating, e.g. workplace issues.
@Amy
Sorry, I didn’t get an email. Would you mind trying again? Or you could post your question here. Or friend me on Facebook and send me a message. Whatever works.
Susan Walsh,
I have learned a wealth of knowledge about women from your site. Thank you for sharing it with the world! I”m interested and impressed with the way you use biology to explain the sexes in your articles. As a recent college grad with a biology degree, I think most people would be amazed at how different males and females can be in the animal world also.
On to my questions, My ex girlfriend broke up with me 6 months ago (we dated 3 months) and unfortunately I am still emotionally suffering from the break up. We are very different people, although we did have a mutual interest in wildlife biology. She enjoys getting wasted, smoking weed and hooking up (she likes the attention). I have avoided drugs throughout most of my life and have never hooked up. Our differing values were not compatible and are what lead to the break up. As a male, I’m embarrassed (sarcasm) to say that at the mighty age of 24, I lost my virginity to this girl. I was brought up on the values to seek meaningful relationships and I do believe I achieved that in this case. The problem is that I can’t seem to get past this girl who I don’t even want to be with anymore. Since I lost my virginity to her and put alot of effort in the relationship, I still can’t seem to shake the feeling of sort of innate obligation to take care of her, be there for her and love her. Why do I still feel that way when I really want nothing to do with her? Could there be a biological explanation? Or do you think its more likely to be environmental? My relationships in the past did not involve sex and I never felt that strongly about them. I hate to say it, but after being emotionally drained by this relationship, I have the urge to fall for the temptation of hooking up with no strings attached. I know its not the road I should go and I know I will not do it, but why do I all of a sudden have this urge when I have resisted it for so long?
I’m curious to know if this happens to other guys who lose their virginity in a relationship. They have a relationship, lose their virginity, relationship ends, the cost of being in a relationship is too high and emotionally draining, they resort to hooking up. What do you think?
On a side note: I know you preach to girls that they should wait some time before they have sex if they want a healthy relationship with a guy. I have experienced something very interesting when I’d meet girls in college. They would be confused when I would decline their sexual advances and I’m pretty sure take offense to it. I would make it known that I didn’t want to hook up with them and would rather get to know them more before getiing physical. Its like they thought I was rejecting them when I thought I was respecting them.
@Robinson
I just wanted to let you know that I’ve decided to share your comment as a post of its own, so look out for it in the next week. I’ll comment, and you should get some good advice from the readers as well.
Hey Susan,
I wrote you a long comment or email a while ago (about a month or two) and I still haven’t seen any response? Did you get my post or did something go wrong?
@Laura
I don’t have it! I’m sorry. I answer all questions and will be happy to if you want to send it again. Hmm, I wonder if there is something wrong with the Contact form. just in case, please send to walsh.susan1@gmail.com. Sorry about that.
Okay I sent it again!
@Laura
Got it! Will reply Sunday, May 1.
Hey it’s me again lol.
This question deals with an old post of yours.
The quote starting with “I myself have thought…” is my response:
I really just want to know what you think and if you’re in any agreement with what I commented. I simply just want to know your opinions
I have a problem and I need help. I use a penis pump to make my penis thicker. I pumped before going out one night and ended up having a one night stand. I have seen this gal several times now and I really like her. But my problem is this…when I pump my girth gets to over 7″ around. Normally I am only 6″ in girth. My length is 6.5″. She made comments about my girth over and over during sex, how she has never felt anything like it, how she orgams so fast, how her hand can fit around it, etc. Do I keep on pumping before I see her or just open up and tell her the truth? I am afraid she will be upset with me.
If you like her and hope to have a relationship with her, you’re obviously going to need to fess up. If it’s just going to stay casual, no need to divulge. Even if she is initially disappointed, I can’t imagine that’s a dealbreaker – if it is, she’s got issues!
Susan,
This would be a great link to add to your penis size blog.
http://www.marriedandhappy.com/blog/399/penis-size-what-husband-needs-to-know/
Six inches girth is well above average.
http://www.mraverage.com/stats.htm
As is the length.
For goodness sake, just get in there and enjoy her.
displaying my location online is against your privacy policy
Whoops, you’re right. My apologies, that was a thoughtless thing to do. I’ve deleted that comment. Thank you for calling that to my attention.
Hi Susan! I’m Emi, from Brazil.
I sent you a message using the contact form this weekend. Did you get it? I would like to know if you have the time to answer me. I would really appreciate your advice. And I thank you very much for the great insights I found here.
Emi,
I didn’t get it! I am having trouble with the contact form, I’m sorry. Please email me at walsh.susan1@gmail.com. I promise to take a look and respond.
Hey Susan, I just wanted to make sure that you weren’t offended by my last question. Not trying to rush you into answering it, I’m just making sure that the comment it ok
thx….one nothin’…http://ca.sports.yahoo.com/nhl/blog/puck_daddy/post/What-8217-s-a-Canuck-Mystery-behind-Vancouver-?urn=nhl-wp6166…..does Mr Hus care for ice hockey?
@daffyyd
Ha, Mr. HUS just grumbled about the first loss as he took the dog out…
I tried to find you on facebook, but I found many Susan Walsh…any hints of how is your pic?
@Stephenie
Same photo as here – Facebook name is Susan A. Walsh.
Hey Susan! I emailed you last week – directly to your gmail – not sure if you got my email though!
@Mich
I did get it, and was thinking of posting it on the blog next week, along with my response. I do emails on Saturdays, and am working through a backlog, but will look at it again tomorrow and make the call. Hang in there, I’ll get to it.
hee hee…2/bupkis!…get ready Beantown!….:-D
Morning Susan, just sent you an email through the contact form, lemme know your thoughts on it.
I have been reading your blog from the point of view of a psychologist in training. I have thoroughly enjoyed reading it, and been driven to think about the issues you write about in a different light. I have found your take on these issues to be a welcome break from the strident 4th wave feminists on one hand and the “sex is sin” camp on the other.
I thought this news item in today’s WSJ would be of interest to you:
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702304432304576369843592242356.html?mod=googlenews_wsj
It is written by the president of a Catholic University, on how single-sex dorms are proving to be effective in tamping down on binge drinking and hook-ups.
Please keep up the great work, and I will always look forward to reading more of your work.
-Soniya
@Soniya
Thanks so much! That is such great feedback, and I’m really gratified to hear that my posts resonate for you and make sense to someone in the field! Thanks for the link to the WSJ article. That is extremely interesting – I think I’ll have to share that link tomorrow!
Hi Susan,
I have a question for you because I’m a big fan of your blog and I feel like we share similar thoughts on today’s dating culture. And I could really use some advice.
I’m 26 years old and I’m finally ready to be in a relationship. I’m great on dates and I don’t have a hard time getting them, but I haven’t found the right person to commit to.
Although I’ve been dating a lot lately, I met a 28 year old professional who I find very physically attractive. And as far as his personality goes, he’s definitely not the kind of guy I thought I would be attracted to (because he’s one of those guys who was definitely a fratboy in college), but I can tell that he has a good heart and good intentions. Yet he still acts like a fratboy (he just went on a big spending spree with his guy friends on a trip to Vegas, etc.). I’ve always treated him like a friend when we hang out because I didn’t think he had any kind of romantic feelings for me and I’m not one to pine over bros who show no interest. But the last time we hung out, he tried to kiss me and I got a little nervous and dodged it (I can still be shy sometimes when caught off guard) even though I DO like him as more than a friend. What can I say? I’m kind of a prude until I know for sure that someone wants to date me and get to know me.
He’s actually told me before that he doesn’t date because he’s not where he expected himself to be professionally or financially and he can’t afford it, and I think this really takes a toll on his self-esteem. And by the way there’s a racial element here too – we’re both Indian and he’s not used to hanging out with other Indian girls because a lot of us are traditional and have high expectations (or that’s probably what he assumes). He even told me I was the only Indian girl friend he’s ever had. Although he doesn’t take me on traditional dinner dates, he does call me every week just to check in or wanting to catch a movie or whatever. I don’t believe he’s hooking up with any girls (although you and I both know better than to make that kind of assumption without actually asking).
I guess here’s my question now that I’ve painted the picture for you:
I like him and I don’t know why. There are other perfectly eligible guys taking me on dates and treating me the way I’d like to be treated, but all I can think about is this guy (despite the fact that he’s not showering me with the traditional romantic courting rituals that I’m used to). I know if he found out I was dating these other guys he would shy away from me because he doesn’t have a great amount of courage, but I know I should be dating a lot of guys in order to find the right one. I guess I’m a little confused. What should I do? Am I stupid to want to give him a chance? Especially when I’m not even sure if he actually wants to date me or get to know me in the first place? I don’t want to be foolish, but aren’t we supposed to be foolish in life? How do I know if it’s worth taking a risk?
– K
@Renee
This will be entirely in the eye of the beholder. A man with 50 past sexual partners may think 10 is no big deal for a woman. A man with 5 will be alarmed at the idea of dating a woman with 10. So it’s relative.
Of course, there are exceptions. Some players want a virgin or “good girl” when they decide to marry. Some guys who haven’t been lucky with women will count their lucky stars if they can get a highly promiscuous woman to settle down with them.
Most of the men here would consider a woman who has a ONS every now and then a slut. Several bloggers and commenters have called me a slut on other blogs because of my own history.
My advice is to keep your number as low as possible in order to keep the pool of potential mates as large as possible. Particularly in this SMP, there are many good men with low numbers, and most the of guys with lots of experience are cads. Don’t leave yourself with only cads to choose from.
@Blues
I didn’t get your email. I apologize – I have been working on the Contact Form here and hope I’ve got it fixed. However, to be safe please email me directly at walsh.susan1@gmail.com. Thanks.
@K
If he tried to kiss you recently, he’s definitely ready to at least lay it on the table that he’s attracted. It would be super awkward to raise the issue now, since the two of you haven’t been open about your connection from the start. However, he’s very likely to try again, and that would be a good time to talk it out. (Enjoy the kissing first, why not?)
You definitely need to find out how he sees your relationship though, and whether he is seeing/hooking up with anyone else.
If he genuinely feels badly about the place he’s in professionally, he’s unlikely to reconsider his fitness for a relationship right now. And you should think about this as well. Is he highly motivated to make a change or otherwise do what is necessary? Or is he stuck in a rut?
You say he can’t afford dating, but he blew a large sum on a trip to Vegas. That is rather alarming, frankly. It shows weakness, or at least self-indulgence. If he doesn’t feel great about his financial state he should be in frugal, saving mode. In that case, I’m sure you wouldn’t mind not going on traditional dates, but how does it make you feel that he chooses to spend his limited funds that way? It’s a red flag, for sure.
You may like him because the chemistry is great, you like his personality, his touch of vulnerability, or possibly even because he’s unsuitable (forbidden fruit). I would think more about what he can offer you, or anyone right now, and whether that will make you happy. A strong physical attraction is wonderful, and hard to walk away from, but we all know that “bad boys” are trouble.
He may have a heart of gold, but his qualifications for a relationship are definitely iffy. I do encourage you to talk it out with him, see how he views it, and whether he’s willing to change, particularly around the issue of financial responsibility. At 28, that should be something he’s concerned about.
It’s all cool, just sent you an email.
@Robinson,
Hey Robinson! I read your comment and just wanted you to know you’re not the only one – I was dating this girl for about 2 months but she broke up with me and it took me half a year to get over her. I’m so sorry you suffered the same pain. I’ve gotten the same urges and submitted to them. I think I can explain to you the feeling:
My ex broke up with me because I wanted to have sex(we were both 17). I guess I’m just a pervy retard on that…but what she didn’t understand is that I wanted to have sex with HER, not anyone else. She was soo special to me… She was my first kiss(french), first girlfriend, first love. We talked about marriage and having 4 kids and going to Europe for our honeymoon – the breakup emotionally ruined me.
After she broke up with me, it took me 3 months to realize I would never get back with her. Well, a lot of stuff happened and I was still missing her after 3 months. I wished I could still hug her, just have her in my arms and snuzzle&cuddle, take her places, hold hands when we walked… but most of all, I missed communicating with her in any form possible! It was horrible(as you def know). After 3 months had past, I’ve met several new girls and I began talking to this certain young girl on a daily basis. Lets call her C. I realized this much later but what I was trying to bury the hole of sending 50+ txts to my ex a day by txting C pretty much 24/7. C did a good job burying that hole – her personality was a lot like my ex! But C wasnt enough. I ended up missing the other aspects of having a gf. I respected C a great deal as a friend and older brother (she was a freshmen in high school, but a great conversationalist!). She already had guys she was interested in – I didn’t want to ruin our friendship so I decided to not to try and make moves on her(for a relationship. if i respect someone, i go for relationship, not hookup).
For a while I was able to hold off that urge, but then I ended up becoming closer with one of my classmates – a lot closer. Her name was A, and she knew my ex. She knew my whole situation and her seeing me depressed(she said I looked “miserable”) kicked us off. At first it was purely friendly communication, but as we got closer we would start flirting with each other. We both knew we weren’t serious. It went so far as to we would be staying up until 3 am flirting with each other! Bad thing was we were both only doing this because we missed our ex! She was in the same rut as the one I was in – she’s been missing her ex for 4 months. We ended up sleeping with each other. Afterwards, we talked and decided to just be friends. Weirdly, we ended up tighter after we had sex.
Anyways, upon our discussions, we found out that we wanted that hookup because we missed our ex. We wanted to bury the hole they left behind – what we wanted with them was the whole emotional bonding of sex. We didn’t bond. Not at all. It was just horny dirty sex. That might sound good for some guys, but its not worth it.
As for the question of did we get over our ex, two different answers came up. “A,” the girl whom I slept with, got over her ex. “A” missed her ex a lot after the sex, and even cried right after sex. I thought it was just because she was hurt physically – sex hurts a lot for virgin girls. But about a week later, she was over him. Just straight up over him. As for me, I ended up missing my ex even more the next day and ended up missing her for another 2 whole months. I think we got 2 different results because my ex was my first gf, where as “A” had a lot more experience dating.
Since your ex was the first one you ever had sex with and obviously your most favorite past gf, you’ll probably experience what I did if you ever hookup – crying my eyes out for another 2 whole months. I ended up getting over my ex because of something which happened between us, so I don’t know if you’ve already gotten over your ex or you’ll get over her anytime soon unless something happens.
Also, once I had that ONS(I technically asked her to be my gf and she said yes then we had sex) I realized how retarded of me it was to have my first time with someone not special. Now, I dont feel as special towards sex and I feel like I want another hookup. I believe hookups are unethical, and I feel a little disappointed in myself for wanting another hookup. But I want it and I’m an impulsive guy so I’m going for it.lol Don’t end up like me Robinson!
I think a big reason people want hookups after relationships is to bury holes. The holes left from their previous relationships leave them feeling empty, sad, and lonely. Especially when someone as special as their gf/bf, whom they spent so much time with while going out, just suddenly leaves, you feel a huuuge hole in your daily life because you aren’t doing what you’ve been used to and looking forward to – talking to the significant other.
I think you should just fight the urges. It’ll be hard, but keeping one girl really close helped me a lot. C and A cheered me up a lot, especially “A” because she knew exactly what I was going through. But don’t go having sex with that girl! Just be friends, and be completely honest to her. I believe honesty is the most helpful trait to carry someone through a hard time. Be honest to yourself.
Sorry for the huuuge ass message! I end up writing long stuff like this when it comes to relationship stuff…
Good luck Robinson! I hope my comment/post helped somewhat! Let me know if it has!
Respectfully,
Sean J.
Okay now i just feel super silly cuz my comment is obviously longer than anyone else’s…
Susan, can you just please delete my ranting part?lol
Concerns about penis size continue to be a recurring feature of your excellent site. These concerns about size probably stem from increased access to porn films which tend to feature men at the upper end of the size range and of courseporn films often deliberately distort penis size for dramatic effect.
Anyone concerned about the size of their penis should do a little research into the medical facts and I think they will be reassured. The scientifically established norms for penis size are less than some imagine or fear. If you’re still not convinced, listen to the evidence of ladies of the night; after all it was these professional ladies who coined the terms ‘grower’ and ‘shower’, and these ladiers who know that, once aroused, most penises aren’t that dissimilar. A centimetre her or there isn’t that important in the overall context of what makes women tick.
It’s also useful, if you think you are an under average male, to remember that there are relatively few nerve endings in the vagina and therefore very little feeling the deeper you go. This is an evolutionary device to help women cope with childbirth. Any extra centimetres are just banging against largely senseless flesh. Concentrate on the clitoris and outer labia where almost all the nerve endings are located and you will both be fine.
PS re the earlier discussion about Michelangelo’s David who was clearly a ‘grower’ : Renaissance Florentines followed Greek models. The Greeks believed that the depiction of large penis implied brutishness and a lack of sensibility and intelligence, hence the smaller organs on their statues and vases.
Oh come now. You can’t make butter with a toothpick. : )
“PS re the earlier discussion about Michelangelo’s David who was clearly a ‘grower’ : Renaissance Florentines followed Greek models. The Greeks believed that the depiction of large penis implied brutishness and a lack of sensibility and intelligence, hence the smaller organs on their statues and vases.”
Wow, so the criminalization of male sexuality among the educated classes goes back to the ancient Greeks! And they said the Greeks were misogynistic.
Hi Susan,
I’m a big fan of your blog and I really appreciate the kind of advice you give to your readers. I’ve emailed you twice now in hopes that you could help me with a problem but I guess you get a lot of emails and some slip through the cracks.
I’m really interested on your take about alpha guys who use girls as “fillers” – the not-girlfriend used to entertain only when he doesnt have a “titled” girlfriend. I’ve been treated as a repeat filler by one guy for SIX years. It sounds pathetic that I let him treat me the way that he does – just dismissing me when he finds the next best thing – but after all this time it’s hard to believe he doesn’t keep coming back for a reason. I haven’t even slept with him, not that I don’t want to but more out of the fact that there’s a lack of comittment on his part.
He’s even tried to get me to hook up with him on the side while he had a girlfriend but he just won’t consider me as someone to actually date. I once asked him why he acts like this and he fed me some monoloug of “I don’t want to date you now because then we’re only going to break up but if we wait until we’re out of school and I have a real job – I want us to give this a real try” are you buying it? Because sometimes I want to.
I guess I want to know what your take is on a situation like this, how a guy decides a girl is dateable or only good enough for sparatic hang outs, and what girls should do to transition from filler-to girlfriend.
I don’t even think I want to date him anymore, I just want to solve the riddle of being a filler!
Hello Susan,
I’ve just recently discovered your blog while googling “why are women promiscuous?” After browsing around and reading some of your material, I am amazed by the quality and number of blogs posted here. Well to cut to the chase, I respectfully hope that you may please help me in a situation that’s quite bothersome for me as for the many men who may share the same position as I do.
I am a 21 year old college student. I don’t know why, but over this summer, I said to myself, “I have to do it! I have to find me that special woman out there!” Although these are just plain words alone, I do have a strong will and determination to go out and search for that special woman. The trouble is I haven’t found a woman out there that fits my standards.
You see I haven’t dated a woman, haven’t kissed a woman, and haven’t had sex. If there was one word that best describes me in terms of dating, relationships, and all things related, it would have to be VIRGIN! Plain and simple! I haven’t fooled around! If we humans were to get printouts of our dating record like we get printouts of our driving record at the DMV, then I would be a “clean” human being. I’m not tainted or filthy in anyway according to my dating record.
Since middle school I always wanted to have a girlfriend and date just like all my friends. In high school I was faced with the same situation, but on a much great scale than middle school. This time, events like prom and senior picnic added more pressure for me to find a girlfriend. Looking back during those years of my life, I’ve never been such a complete fool; stupid and ignorant in my own ways. I tried so hard to get the girls! I was so insane of wanting to get a girlfriend so bad that I was willing to put myself at the hands of others to tell me and show me how to get a girlfriend! I talked and dressed in ways that till this very day I’m too shameful to think about. Let alone acted in ways that I now know were un-gentleman like. I looked like a goofball wearing those Nike air force one clown shoes and talking the Lil Wayne talk . . . “yeah ya” . . . “what” . . . “okay” . . . !
After high school, I began the slow and painful process of reversing my old lifestyle. Instead of getting me those Jordan’s or Converse I traded them for loafers and casual men dress shoes. I switched out my old threads and replaced them with new ones from Banana Republic, Gap, and Ralph Lauren (to name a few). And if you can guess correctly, on the outside I was starting to look like a real man, a gentleman, but I still have to act and behave like one. So for about two year I tried to learn everything I could to become a gentleman. I read books, got advice from wise old men (many of them from the 1940s and the baby boomers). I even watched those old movies on Tuner Classic Movies. Men like Humphrey Bogart, Bob Hope, and Henry Fonda intrigued me. Well, I learned from my past and I can proudly say that I have change mentally, morally, physically, and spirituality.
The problem facing me today is finding a woman who’s more like me. One who hasn’t dated, hasn’t kissed, and hasn’t had sex. One who hasn’t fooled around, one who is “clean”, that’s the type of woman I want! Not only that, but a woman who is a woman and not a little girl just as I would consider myself as a little boy during my middle and high school years and later to be transformed into a man. Throughout my years after high school, the great majority of human females that I’ve encounter at my college campus are little girls. Little girls who dress like hipsters or trashy and ask, “Why won’t a man commit to me?” Little girls who wear pants with words on them like “juicy” and ask “Why won’t men respect me?” Let alone these little girls even act like little girls! Always whining and complaining and bitching all the time about how bad they have it in life! If I can only slap some sense into these girls just as George Peppard did to Audrey Hepburn during the taxi ending scene in Breakfast at Tiffany’s.
Sadly, in the society we live in today it’s very rare for a man like me to find a great and beautiful and magnificent woman. When will I ever meet a gorgeous well mattered and well dressed woman like Elizabeth Taylor or come across a fiery rose like Maria Felix of Mexico or a charming and charismatic woman like Greta Garbo from the movie Ninotchka? Geeze at times I feel like Pygmalion, the sculptor from Greek Mythology. From ivory, he carved out a statue of a woman and prayed for her to be alive. He prayed and prayed until the Goddess Aphrodite heard his prayers and made the ivory statue come to life before his eyes and very shortly both married. If only finding a woman were that easy; knowing that you can find a woman with all the qualities you want and have hoped for in her.
Before discovering this blog, Susan, I talked to my friends and the wise old men about my situation. First of all, I find all my friends (males and females) advice discoursing and at most time (although I don’t tell them) quite useless. I get comments like, “It’s possible to find the type of girl you’re looking for, but as long as were being honest to each other, I doubt that you will find one” and “Dude she probably already kissed a guy by now . . . and probably his penis!” As for the wise old men, they sympathize with my situation. They tell me stories about how dating was back then. The days were a man actually pickup their date at her house instead of honking the horn waiting inside a parked car on the curb of her house. The days were women dressed appropriately and not loose and slutty. I talked to one brilliant and remarkable man who told me I was a lonely Winston Churchill. He explained that in late August on the eve of war, Churchill tried to rally Britain and the British people to take action and to prepare for the worst and no one listen. “Take the day off, no need to worry about Hitler”, the signs read all across the country until Poland was invaded. The people of Britain, with their grim faces, now knew the warning Churchill had earlier bestow upon them. A lonely Churchill knew what was coming.
So what are your thoughts Susan? What are your words of wisdom about my situations? Aren’t there any women out there for men like me? Will I ever find myself the woman of my dreams?
Sincerely,
Giovanni
P.S.
I search all over your blogs and I couldn’t find anything about virgins and virginity. I respectfully wish that you may please write a blog about these two subjects.
Dear Giovanni,
So I know I’m not Susan and it might be an eyesore for me to reply to your post, but I think you need to change the way you think.
First off, there are(but very seldom) female virgins even in college. While I’m at college, I don’t think I’ll meet many of those kinds of girls. But to find a girl who’s never even kissed a guy is going to be an even more arduous task. There’s probably only like 0.01% of girls in college who’ve never kissed a guy. Already, your criteria for women is super-duper high, and of that 0.01% of girls who’ve never kissed a guy, she’s gotta be a lady who matches a gentleman like you!
You’re asking for too much. Don’t be so selective of who you want or you’ll never want anyone. Everyone has their faults and no one is perfect. If you keep waiting for that perfect somebody, she’ll never come to you because she doesn’t exist.
I think you shouldn’t worry too much about her being someone who’s never kissed a guy. Everyone has a past and you have to respect that fact. Additionally, don’t look for someone who you think is a lady – just look for someone you love spending time with. If you’re looking to have a long lasting relationship, you can’t go for some random chick who you just think is perfect for you. She may be the most beautiful and respectful lady you’ve ever met, but that doesn’t mean you two would start off really greatly and last forever. If she’s such a perfect girl, someone else would try to get with her. Even if she stays strong and isn’t wavered by other men, you’re going to be psychologically wasted. The key to a long lasting relationship is you and your partner have to really enjoy your times together and build on mutual respect! Almost like a friendship, but you two are sexually attracted to each other.
In conclusion, just lower your standards about prior dating a bit, and don’t look for the perfect lady – look for someone who you can simply trust and enjoy spending time with, but also be attracted to her.
I hope you’d look through my advice and keep it in mind, Giovanni!
Very Respectfully,
Sean J
You’re welcome, Susan, and thank you as well; I really appreciate your courtesy. It makes even more glad you found my contributions worthwhile. I like and support your goals, so finding out what behaviors signal devotion to men seemed the obvious next step.
I noticed your compliments to another male poster recently about opening up, and I’d like to ask you about something in that regard but less publicly, if that could be arranged. A certain political line was just crossed in my home state making the topic even more personally sensitive.
@Acksiom
By all means email me. walsh.susan1@gmail.com
Hi Susan,
Recently discovered your blog-great stuff. But I’m wondering if you may be able to shed a little light on my situation. I’m not a 20-something (twice that, actually). But I really feel stumped, as I haven’t been back in the single pool for about 14 years. (Background: recently divorced after 12 yrs. of marriage-2 yrs. separated, kids).
I am with a fellow who I knew back in college (20 yrs. ago). At that time we were strictly friends. Fast forward to today-through the magic of social media, I found him, and we met up in March to reconnect (I’d been in the process of relocating to the city he lives in, but have friends who also live there). Nothing happened at that time, and was honestly just glad that I found an old friend. In April, we met up again, but this time, he initiated physical contact, we slept together. Memorial Day: spent the weekend together. In June I relocated to the city, and since that time we’ve been pretty constant in seeing each other throughout the summer. We’ve had the “talk” recently, which was initiated by me, because I’ve never had a FWB relationship, outside of a couple of flings in college. I told him that while I didn’t necessarily want something “serious”, I also didn’t want things to remain stagnant. My life is about forward progress and if he thought this relationship had run its course, if all he truly thought of me was as a FWB, then it was time for me to move on. I admitted, I’m really not cut out for FWB. There’s a lot of work involved in something that’s supposed to be casual! Trying to keep the reins on letting anything evolve and preventing something from naturally flowing is counter-intuitive to me I guess.
The evening of that conversation, he honestly didn’t have much to say.The next morning at breakfast, he told me that a lot has been happening in his life, specifically where his job is concerned (he’ll be starting a new position in a couple of weeks) and he’s been insanely busy. He did tell me that he’s not been with anyone else. We do really like each other. But I don’t know how to read this situation-should I be patient? Do I bail because he doesn’t know what he wants yet? Ugh. I feel as though I’m in some sort of relationship-limbo land, party of one.
Your advice on this will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
@B
He may not know what he wants, but it sounds like he knows what he doesn’t want, which is a real commitment. If he wanted that, he wouldn’t be offering excuses about being busy, stressed, etc. On the other hand, he doesn’t want to lose what you two have either.
You aren’t sure if you want to be with him forever, but you know you don’t want a casual sex relationship. As long as you see the potential for more, you don’t want to give up all the enjoyable things about this relationship.
In other words, you are at a standoff. My advice is to do what feels right for you emotionally. Is it torture to have sex and then wonder if it’s meaningful? Do you feel like you’ll go crazy if you don’t sort this out soon? Only you can say how much you can stand or how much uncertainty you can live with. You could also take a break from the sex, or just take a break in general and think about it some more. And he’s going to need to say what he is prepared to do now, and when, if ever, he thinks he might be ready for something more serious with you.
Good luck!
i have to say i was appalled by your blog, as were many of my both male and female friends. perhaps your audience is intended to be younger? myself and my peers are all in our early to mid thirties, and most of us are ethically non-monogamous and very happy with our lives.
the tone of your articles reminded me of cosmopolitan magazine—condescending and simplistic, as if everyone out there desires the same thing. except cosmo—for whatever else i find objectionable about it—is very sex-positive, at least.
Thank you for your blog! It is quite insightful into the operation of modern culture, at times depressingly so, though always truthfully.
Do you have any advice for young men of old-fashioned morality — i.e. not interested hooking up but rather in dating with the goal of figuring out whether they want to marry the girl — in the current cultural milieu?
Sometimes I feel like some sort of time-traveler who’s found himself in the wrong century.
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