May 20, 2012
I am really in a bind and I don"t know what to do.
A little over a year ago I met my now fiancé. When we met we clicked instantly and became an item right away. He is charming, intelligent, attractive, educated and an all around great guy. About four months ago, we moved in together and it"s been great – we have similar interests and just really enjoy the time we spend together. I knew he was serious about me when he started talking about the future as "our future together." I can honestly say that I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
A couple of months into our relationship, we had a talk about our past boyfriends / girlfriends. He"s 31 (I"m 28) and has had a few girlfriends; some serious, some not so serious but never just casual. I had absolutely no problem with any of that. I realized, however, that his "number" was lower than mine and that he has never tried any crazy stuff. Sooo… I didn"t go into full details about my own past. In particular, I did not mention anything about my boyfriend before him. That boyfriend and I did not last long but right from the beginning, it was "anything goes." When we broke up romantically we remained friends and I"ve since introduced him to my fiance as my "good friend."
My fiance was accepting of what information I did divulge. I remember him asking me if there was anything in my past that could be an embarrassment in the future. I answered "no." Life together continued great and we got engaged last January.
When we first started dating, it was different with my fiance because it took a while for us to become lovers. When we did, I discovered that he is great between the sheets! Even so, I have been a bit hesitant to let loose completely in the bedroom. He has suggested on numerous occasions that since he has found in me his true love, he would like for us to be more adventurous in bed. He wants to try stuff he has never tried with another woman. I have so far resisted even though what my fiance wants is not really new to me – I had those experiences with my ex.
Fast forward to last week. We were at a party where many of our friends were present. Everyone had plenty to drink and loud conversations were everywhere. At one point we were talking with a couple, when my ex approached us. With him was a woman who was beyond drunk. When my ex introduced her to me, she responded, "oh he"s (her guy, my ex) told me all about you. You"re the chick he and his buddy had threesomes with."
I was stunned and my fiancé caught it. It took a few seconds before anyone said anything. Finally my ex said something like "don"t be ridiculous "and guided her away. The other couple that was with us also moved away. My fiancé just looked at me and said let"s go. In the car and at home there was no conversation.
The next day he asked me if it was true. I stammered and didn"t really say anything coherent. In fact, it was true. With my ex had a small number of threesomes.
My fiancé says that I have deceived him and humiliated him. He feels terrible and he"s says it"s worse since he figures all our friends now know as well. In the last week he has said that he wants to reconsider "us." Even though I told him all that was in the past and that I love him with all my heart, he still feels like he"s been duped. He"s also extremely angry that I hadn"t wanted to experiment with him while I had "no problem" experimenting with the other guy.
When I asked him what I could do, he said he wants a complete listing of past partners. He also wants to know all the stuff that I did with my ex and who the second guy in the threesome was. He also said that he wants to have threesomes with me and some girl. I really don"t want to have a threesome with my fiancé or "go crazy" with him – and even if I did, would that really solve our issues?
What do I do? He really is the real deal. I have dated enough losers and jerks in the past to recognize this. I don"t want to lose him. He is the only man I have ever wanted to marry. I"m incredibly sorry that he was humiliated. I don"t know what to do. Any advice would be so appreciated.
December 22, 2011
Wait so, he"s mad at you for not mentioning the threesome, and now wants one as well. You have done a bad job not being honest (the fact that collisions between him and your friend base are inevitable, he might suspect you to be dishonest even now, when confronted), and that broken trust tends to be rather irreparable (at least for me), but he"s being a hypocrite as well. What"s the ratio of your number compared to his? If he has a large number as well, being pushy in bed and now asking for threesomes, I"m suspecting something more is going on.
November 23, 2011
Submit to your fiance"s demands. He"s probably really pissed.
April 1, 2012
I was in a very similar situation.
You are probably finished. Seriously, it would have been better if you punched his Mom in the face. Even if he tries to make it work for a while? He"s still thinking of dumping you, and it will take a long, long, long time to re-establish connection and trust.
If you really want him still?
To him, your "love" means nothing. Absolutely nothng. Your emotional intimacy is not backed up by the requisite physical intimacy. You care nothing of his physical needs and you do not care about "exploring your sexuality" with him. Step up your physical game. Be aggressive. Be adventurous. Suggest new things. Do not say no to him when HE suggests new things unless you have a good reason to. Make it known that had you known his demands ahead of time, you never would have done any of this nonsense with this other boyfriend who clearly meant nothing to you. Realize that you have just took, like, 7-8 months back in your relationship and start thinking of your emotional intimacy as closer to a newly dating couple.
You don"t think it will fix the issue.
It might not. But if you want him, you HAVE to make him feel sexually wanted. And right now he doesn"t. Doing this will make him feel more like a man and more wanted. I am unsure about the threesome with the other girl: do the other stuff first and see how it"s working, introducing another person into the mix complicates things.
And stop fucking talking to this guy you had regular three-somes with. Delete him from your phone, delete him from your facebook, delete him from your life.
If you aren"t willing to do all of this, you don"t deserve him.
I"m not going to lie or mince words either: my advice to him would be "dump her." It"d be far, far easier to start over with a new girl than to try to make things work with you.
November 22, 2011
Honestly I"m with Leap: just walk away.
If I was your fiance", I can tell you that I would NEVER trust you again. I would also forever and ever question my ability to please you sexually since you have obviously gone the "wild" route, and like me it sounds like you guy never did.
And, without trying to add salt to the wound, learn from this that hiding your past and/or lying about it will always lead to trouble. Always! There is a chance that had you come clean with all of this up front, he might have handled it better. But instead, he found out in a VERY embarrassing way, and not only does he see you differently, but now he has to face his circle knowing that they now know he didn"t, which makes him a sucker.
I"m sorry things turned out this way, I truly am. My current SO had several years of "wild" in her early 20"s but she got all that out early on, although I will admit that at the time she had NO idea that it would bother me in the least, which it did. In fact, I would say that we had a rough couple months after the conversation. But, her fessing up gave me the chance to build trust with her (for telling me) and to determine if she was past all that stuff and truly ready to be long term with me. (to be fair, she was married for a bit over 10 years and faithful the entire time, despite her ex NOT doing so.) Where you really screwed up is not telling him up front so he had the chance to decide for himself if he could deal with it. You stole his agency to decide if you were his best option because he didn"t know the whole truth. And, no matter how much women would like it to be different, the truth is a woman"s sexual past comes into play for MANY, MANY men when they are deciding on a life partner. It is what it is.
Best of luck!
July 6, 2012
You could try and be a better man and a person in general. Speak your mind to her, be honest. If she loves you, she will be able to forgive when was in the past.
December 22, 2011
You could try and be a better woman and a person in general. Speak your mind to him, be honest. If he loves you, he will be able to forgive when was in the past.
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