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QuoteI"m a little blue tonight…
I ended things with a guy about 3 weeks ago. We had been dating for a couple of months, quite actively so, where I heard from him every day, we saw each other at least every second day – I was always at his place and we slept together every night. He was doing an exchange where I live and also looking for work there. He was the most affectionate man I"ve been with, relationship-oriented (previous serious LTR), he cooked for me, introduced me to friends, could hold me all night, he also did all the emotional escalation, initiating conversations about family, religion etc. He asked if he could come back to my home country with me. He was by far the most of a "good guy" I"ve been with, masculine at core but still with a lot of sensitivity. He was a tad jealous, if I didn"t get back to him on time he got upset, but not so much it was a problem.
As he got a job back home (2 hrs away) and not one where I live, he went back. He wrote to me every time he saw me online, saying he missed me and needed me. I wasn"t available to come and see him due to exams. He also called me and it was great to speak to him on the phone. He told me he thinks I"m an amazing girl and perfect for him. He sounded a little sad, but very sweet.
3 weeks went on when I heard from him but couldn"t see him. I spoke to him on the phone and I told him I was busy, but in order to make an initiative, I texted to make an appointment 3 days later. I didn"t hear anything for a week. I finally had to ask if something was up, he told me he"d been on holiday. No more explanation, but asked "where are you?". I know he brings his phone on holiday, so I felt something was up… When I later suggested a day to meet up, I didn"t hear from him, again a week went by. I then outright texted and asked if he didn"t want to see me anymore. He gave a generic reply and changed the topic.
It pissed me off that he obviously had lost interest or met someone else but didn"t say it. After the time we"d spent, I had at least deserved a phone call – now I gave him the opportunity to do it as easy as possible – tell me over facebook, and even that he didn"t do. I wrote that I"d love to see him, but this is too difficult. A day later he wrote that he"d love to see me too. I said I only want to do this if he is actually keen. He didn"t respond to that. I deleted him off facebook at the same time, and after that it"s been silence. My birthday was a week later, and I didn"t hear from him.
That"s now almost a month ago. I"ve deleted his number, facebook, message history, everything. He"s said nul. It just really makes me sad that I don"t deserve actual closure. Over and over I said that I just want him to be outright and honest as it"s so much better, and he couldn"t even do that. From his POV, I"m sure he"d say that it "ended peacefully", as there was really no drama for him. But he"s the first guy I"ve cared about in a long time, and now I"m wondering if I was just a rebound or whatnot to him. I"ve seen indications that he might be back with his ex – no proof, but it is possible.
It always sucks to end things with someone, but at least I"d prefer a swift and clear closure. I don"t just feel physically used, I feel emotionally used, because he was so cuddly and the most intimate "boyfriend" with me – as if he wanted a short term girlfriend who gave him tons of affection for a short while.
I can"t give ALL the details of the time we spent together, but point is I look back and look for "red flags", but I don"t see any. I"m sure there are things I could have done differently, but he portrayed himself as a gentleman and acted very much so, up until the end obviously. There was none of that "push and pull", he was always contacting me.
I"m still upset a few weeks in and also confused – I"m not sure whether I should let him know I"m upset for the sake of it. Or if should, say 2 months from now, ask him honestly what happened for the sake of knowing?
I"d love to spend some time getting over it, but I am stuck back home with no friends around, just passively working (waiting for my flat to be let out). So there are few distractions and no opportunities to meet a new guy.
Advice appreciated!
I read your story and first of all I would like to say that it sounds like you had a lovely time together when you were around eachother 
I am not sure as to why some guys think that disapearing is the right act to ending a relationship, it reminds me of an episode of a T.V show Sex in the City, if you have heard of it but in the episode a girl named Carrie goes through the same thing, this guy and her spend a ton of time together and sleep together only to wake up one morning and find a Post-it note that says basically he cant see her anymore. He left with out saying a word and that was it. Later Carrrie ends up running into his friends as a bar and they get into an arguement over how there is a right and wrong way to end a relationship and this is what she says, :You can have the guts and the courtesy to tell a woman to her face that you no longer want to see her. Call me crazy, but I think you can make a point of ending your relationship in a manner that does not include an email, a doorman or a missing persons report. I think you could all get over your fear of looking like the bad guy and actually have the uncomfortable break-up conversation because here"s what avoiding that is what makes you the bad guy. And just so you know, Alan… Andrew: Andrew. Carrie: Uh huh. Most women aren"t angry, irrational psychos. We just want an ending to a relationship that is thoughtful and decent and honors what we had together. So my point, Billy, is this. There is a good way to break-up with someone and it doesn"t include a post-it! Same goes for you did he do it right by ignoring you? No he did not, was he a man bout how he handled the sistuation no, but he had the right to handle it how he did and we as women cannot make guys handle things in a different way just becasue we would like them too and we may in fact be right. YOU can only CONTROL you and YOUR emotions look at this situation and try not to hate him, dont accept his behavior as ok, because it is not, but dont let how it ended take away from the memories or times together what you can learn from going through this. Being angery and upset and bitter will only make getting over it harder on you. Allow yourself time to be down about it but set a date that says you no loner can ask yourself why it happened this way and change your thinking. Even when we dont feel over it if we make ourselves slowly it becomes real:) You can do it girlie and remember just because it went bust doesnt mean it was all a lie it just means it didnt work out the way youd like.
Anna Marie
Sorry to hear about your dilema. I do not "buy" that everything was going so well and that he was happy with you. As a man, I can tell you that most men avoid breaking up face-to-face with women that they fear are irrational or prone to outbursts. I have experienced this myself with a woman who later accused me (wrongfully) of many heinus crimes while we were in a relationship together. The police (yes, the police) later found her to be lying and her accusations to be false – but not until after she cost me thousands in leagal fees. It is possible that you got way too attached way too early: a dead high-drama giveaway. It is also possible that you are normal but that he had an experience like mine. Either way, stop wallowing and start dating again! For every man that "dumps" you, there are another ten who will happily date you. Just remember this feeling and do not do what he did to you to anyone else.
Happy Hooking-Up!
Wattz-Up said:
Sorry to hear about your dilema. I do not "buy" that everything was going so well and that he was happy with you. As a man, I can tell you that most men avoid breaking up face-to-face with women that they fear are irrational or prone to outbursts. I have experienced this myself with a woman who later accused me (wrongfully) of many heinus crimes while we were in a relationship together. The police (yes, the police) later found her to be lying and her accusations to be false – but not until after she cost me thousands in leagal fees. It is possible that you got way too attached way too early: a dead high-drama giveaway. It is also possible that you are normal but that he had an experience like mine. Either way, stop wallowing and start dating again! For every man that "dumps" you, there are another ten who will happily date you. Just remember this feeling and do not do what he did to you to anyone else.
Happy Hooking-Up!
Whoa! Sorry about this woman.
I see you have a terrible experience. I can tell you that I am am far from a call-the-police woman. I have never actually yelled at a man and I never cry in front of people. We had a couple of misunderstandings, but when I saw him again, it was easily smoothed out. I"m a bit shy, so I sometimes have difficulties with confrontations in person. I can do it over text or the phone though, which I have. I can potentially be very cold, and my sister (who knows me well) said that when I give a silent treatment or get angry, you just want to leave the house. So I definitely have that side to me. I can see that he didn"t want confrontation, but then again, I gave him the opportunity to avoid it. I sent a message saying that if he didn"t want to see me anymore, he could just say so (no harsh words). And he replied "I would love to see you!!". I mean, seriously. He didn"t have to break it off in person or over the phone, all he had to do was write it in a facebook message. And he couldn"t even do that.
I don"t know if he"s back with his ex or single. I had another theory too. About a year ago, I used to be seeing a guy who"s a friend of his (on/off for 3 yrs). I didn"t know they were good friends, but I realized from his facebook profile. He told me on our first date that he had to admit to being a bit "jealous and possessive" and that he didn"t like how people in his city always had dated each other. I know they speak once in a while, so could be he found out and didn"t like it? I didn"t know to begin with if they were merely connections so I didn"t bring it up, but I saw during the last weeks that the other guy had commented/"liked" some of his stuff. I haven"t been with a lot of men, and don"t come off as promiscuous, but of course it may bother him that I"ve been with someone he knows.
Thanks for the reply. His actions, as you have presented them, sound fishy to me. I always question individuals who forbid you to contact other individuals from thier past. The obvious reason for this is that they have something to hide: a marriage or other committed relationship, illegitimate children, membership in some sex club, or some other information that will damage them personally or professionally. Digging into such a man"s sorrdid past only soils you and your opinion of my half of our species.
My advice to you: Don"t give him a second thought! Start dating and hooking-up again. You seem like a very nice, hard-working, professional woman. There are planty of men who will date you just based upon these qualities alone. You deserve better than a man"s half-assed attempts at a relationship.
I would date you! Hope you live near me:)
Think you misunderstood! He didn"t forbid me to contact anyone. I was just speculating whether the fact that I used to date a friend of his was a problem to him, we have never talked about it. If it was, it makes sense that he didn"t say so, as it"s in the past and it may make him come across as jealous. He is not a fishy person – he was very open and I don"t think he has anything to hide, basically two serious relationships with great girls only.
Thanks for reply anyway – I am getting over him. It"s just so rare that I meet someone who "has it all" and I don"t know when I"ll find it again!
He"s updated his profile picture today and it"s with a girl. It"s a picture where he"s looking at her, taken by himself. It"s very "showing off" that he"s with this girl, it"s the first time he has a profile pic that isn"t just him as well. Either he doesn"t give a shit if I see it or he wants to hurt me.
She lives in NYC, so it"s clearly the girl he traveled to meet right after we were going out… She"s become friends with all of his friends.
I have been trying to move on for some time, but of course it hurts to see it. He left for NYC very soon, so he must have been corresponding with her while we were still going out.
It"s possible that he thinks I moved on since I deleted him, but nevertheless he knows I cared about him and I can"t believe this happened so soon… I"m really hurt right now 
I was starting to feel better about it, and now I"m back to scratch.
Anyone have feel better advice which doesn"t involve alcohol?
2:50 am
November 23, 2011
OfflineI think you should just focus on other aspects of your life and avoid checking his Facebook (and other social networking profiles). Start a new productive hobby like taking courses or joining a hiking club.
6:58 pm
September 23, 2012
Offline1) guys hate breaking up with a girl and making her cry even if she gives an easy out
2) if things didn't work with his ex he could still hit you up long as he didn't officially break up with to so he was playing it optimally from his view
3) he has no interest in a relationship with you anymore, unfortunately. He's with his ex and you're not convenient enough living a distance away. There is nothing you can do to get this back.
4) most girls I've been with are very convinced I'm falling in love with them because I'm naturally very touchy-feely and like cuddling and all that. And I can legit love a girl but I can love more than one at once.
5) quit checking his profile, that's letting him "win". Now he's got 2 girls chasing him, you don't deserve to be one of them.
6) focus your frustration/loneliness at the gym. It'll get you out of the house, give you a way to physically vent your emotions, and keep you from the ice cream and tissues route that'll just make it harder to date again and make you feel even worse about yourself. At least if you focus on something productive you can look in the mirror and say "pffft that guy was nuts for ditching me, I'll find a guy even better than him!" instead of "oh god that was my one chance for happiness now no one will love me"
Best of luck! You'll be fine down the road!
7:14 pm
September 23, 2012
OfflineOh, also, he legit liked you. He wasn't a player just fucking with your head. We wouldn't introduce you to hang out with our friends and hang out every day and all that, we'd keep you at arm's length if we knew it was short-term.
He probably thought he'd get a job close by and things could blossom but odds are he knew he'd have to move before he told you he'd have to and he was talking to his ex to find out if he could re-stoke that fire if he moved. Combine him having a girl close by he can have a relationship with and you being far away and it's not necessarily that he didn't like you or was using you, it's just he's being realistic about the situation. There are a few girls I legit loved for a summer or a few months or even a year etc but due to our life paths we had to part ways. No one is satisfied with a long distance relationship.
I'm not saying you should've moved there to be with him or should now lol that'd be crazy. I'm just saying its not necessarily your fault, you didn't necessarily do anything wrong and there weren't necessarily any red flags to SEE because the moment was legit. But it was a moment, and like the summer romance at camp when you're a teenager all you can do now is move on and look back on the good memories you had of cuddles and breakfasts together and all that.
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