November 4, 2012
Hey guys, it’s my first time here. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 9 months now and am a little unsure of whether to continue the relationship. I would really appreciate your opinion (sorry in advance, it’s a bit long!).
We met about 9 months a go at a bar, he was the perfect gentleman and we ended up taking a taxi together after the bar closed – first to my place and then he went to his (at the other end of town). Nothing happened that night but the day after he called me and asked me out. We went on 4 dates before he so much as kissed me and another 3 before we slept together (honestly, I was getting a bit impatient!).
He made the effort early on to introduce me to his friends and family and was very interested in getting to know the people close to me. We’ve pretty much spent every night together since March and a couple of months ago he bought a flat and moved in in the beginning of August. In September I was looking for a new place to live and he asked me to move in with him – mainly because cheaper and handier but also said that we’d be able to spend more time together. I said yes and moved in a month ago.
I general everything is going great. Although he works a lot he always sets aside time for us to do something together, is very interested in me and my life and the sex is great. He’s very respectful towards me, and women in general and everyone who knows him speaks extremely well of him. He has a large group of very good friends and is close to his family.
Sounds pretty perfect, right? The problem is I’m worried he’s too much of an alpha and to closed off emotionally for the relationship to work long term.
He’s 27 (I’m 26), very good looking and works in a high profile job. He’s been single for the past 5 years but before that he was in two steady relationships (around 1- 1 1/2 years each). He won’t discuss how many women he’s slept with (and doesn’t want to know my number either) but says his number isn’t unusually high and from what he’s said he seems to have spent more time dating than hooking up with random women.
When he was a teenager his father cheated on his mother and is now married to the woman he cheated with. His parents relationship is extremely bad (they literally don’t talk and his father wasn’t even allowed to attend graduations and birthdays). The divorce was very ugly and went on for a couple of years. During that time my boyfriend pretty much raised his siblings. He is very fatherly towards them and is extremely self reliant and independent.
Now to the problems:
Firstly, I’d been waiting for him to tell me he loves me for a while and a couple of weeks ago I gave up and said it first and he said it back. We had a discussion about it and he told me he’d never said it to a girl before and I told him it was very important to me to hear it on a regular basis.
Since then he hasn’t said it again (and neither have I). When I mentioned this he said recently he’d been feeling pressure to say it and that when he feels pressured he tends to back off and not do things. I understand this because I’m the exact same way but I feel that this shouldn’t apply if you really love someone.
The second issue is regarding marriage. Recently I asked him if he wanted to get married at some point and he said he didn’t think so. It has never been something he’s wanted although he doesn’t rule out that he will at some point. He’s not against serious relationships though and wants children.
I find this all a bit confusing since his actions imply that he is in love with me and he’s said he can see a future with me. I’m extremely in love with him but I don’t want to get stuck in a dead end relationship with someone that will never commit.
My guess is that his parents divorce has a lot to do with this and I’m hoping that given time he will open up to me more. But then again I’m worried I’m wasting my time on someone who will never give me what I need emotionally.
Any opinions/advice would be greatly appreciated!
September 8, 2008
This is a really tough situation. What I'd like to do is open this up to the HUS community by writing it up as a post and allow everyone to comment on it. It is clear that he cares very deeply for you, but that he is emotionally reticent. Given his history, that is understandable, but I agree that you need to know when and if he is going to be able to open up and be more intimate. My initial response is to advise you to decide now how much time you are willing to give him to demonstrate he is capable of emoting and/or committing. Ending the relationship seems way too hasty – you need more information. I can see you giving this six months and then taking stock of where things are at that point. Specifically, have they progressed?
Anyway, I'll give this more thought and write a more thoughtful reply. I would probably put it up just after New Year's. Does that work for you?
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