But I also think it's a red flag when a married woman chooses to hang out with these women - it suggests she was looking for a way out, or a more single lifestyle. I always advise both men and women to look carefully at the relationships and friendships of someone they are interested in. And FWIW, I would not tolerate a partner staying out late like that. An occasional night out with the girls is one thing, but it shouldn't be party girl behavior she's indulging in, and it shouldn't be a regular thing.

I found it in the comments sections of the "how to plan a career in your 20s..." link off of Susans's latest post.

Just wondering how many others have considered doing this, or would be interested if your partner suggested doing it.

There are evolutionary, physiological and practical reasons passionate love is unlikely to endure for long. If we obsessed, endlessly, about our partners and had sex with them multiple times a day — every day — we would not be very productive at work or attentive to our children, our friends or our health. (To quote a line from the 2004 film “Before Sunset,” about two former lovers who chance to meet again after a decade, if passion did not fade, “we would end up doing nothing at all with our lives.” ) Indeed, the condition of being in love has a lot in common with the state of addiction and narcissism; if unabated, it will eventually exact a toll.

WHY, then, is the natural shift from passionate to companionate love often such a letdown? Because, although we may not realize it, we are biologically hard-wired to crave variety. Variety and novelty affect the brain in much the same way that drugs do — that is, they trigger activity that involves the neurotransmitter dopamine, as do pharmacological highs.

Evolutionary biologists believe that sexual variety is adaptive, and that it evolved to prevent incest and inbreeding in ancestral environments. The idea is that when our spouse becomes as familiar to us as a sibling — when we’ve become family — we cease to be sexually attracted to each other.

...We may love our partners deeply, idolize them, and even be willing to die for them, but these feelings rarely translate into long-term passion. And studies show that in long-term relationships, women are more likely than men to lose interest in sex, and to lose it sooner. Why? Because women’s idea of passionate sex depends far more centrally on novelty than does men’s.

 This runs counter to what we normally hear from evolutionary biologists. Does anyone have insights or thoughts to share?

The select group still opting for marriage consists mainly of people with higher education. A prominent group in the cohabitation group accepting the legal arrangements (1 in 4 of all cohabiting couples) entails 30+ single parents that have never been married.

Trends predict marriage rates will drop further, becoming exception rather than rule.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gold_Digger

I just saw an article that mentioned gals had their best chance to score a decent guy on their mid-20s. I just turned 25 in June so when I read it I was all "Aaaaargh!" I have a problem. I"ll understand perfectly well if you skip the following and just tell me to get counseling.

The values system I had beaten into me (not literally, unless I was bad) stated among other things that education was serious because it would help me to afford a life that didn"t consist of welfare checks and substandard housing. I was a competitive kid, got good grades and had extracurricular activities. Mom encouraged me to dress modestly and professionally so I could feel a bit more ready for my future (and I never had to worry about accidentally flashing anybody or the like). Unfortunately, the studies, the clothes and some geeky habits of mine got me plenty of ridicule from people who thought I was "acting white," the bigots. (What did that mean for the Vietnamese and Puerto Rican kids?) At least Kirk and Spock wore pants that fit. Needless to say I had no boyfriends in grade school. Didn"t really want one anyway. We"d never see each other again after graduating, plus I was really introverted. If my parents believed in psychology they"d say I was avoidant-schizoid (except for when the mocking went on too long, then they"d say I was that one kid who would either cure cancer or kill everybody).

I was happy to go to college and hopefully be surrounded by people who thought more like I did. And I did... but many of these people were pretty girls from all over the world. Meanwhile I"d developed a wide face and huge jaw, plus mole after mole (Lord help me, they"re still coming), and learned the hard way that not eating is very bad for a 36-D chest. (Go on and laugh, I cried a lot and still do.) In grade school I"d convinced myself looks didn"t matter since I had brains; suddenly I was surrounded by people with both! I was jealous, then I was ashamed because it was wrong to blame those girls. I didn"t want to be "that one gloomy friend" or "the ugly girl who tries so hard, bless her" so I became more withdrawn than ever and started just taking in whatever information I could get on anything. I would love to travel some day and see the places I read about...

So yeah, between studying chemistry (thought it would be decent money), playing Mario, bingeing on Wikipedia (they usually don"t screw with the science articles) and hiding from 90% of the people at school, I never learned how to be feminine. I thought it consisted of being emotional, wearing a lot of makeup and asking guys to carry stuff for you, which might or might not be lazy and unfair to the guys. Seemed like a good deal for the pretty girls provided nobody called them out for being manipulative or overly sensitive. I don"t like crying in front of others, feeling weak, or exploiting guys just because they"re guys, so to me it sounded useless... then one day I woke up and realized I wanted some, er, attention. But I wanted it from somebody who thought I was special and worth something, and whom I could respect and care for too. The "wife companion" idea sounds nice. I looked on site after site and finally found yours, where after some lurking I learned:

1.Guys like feminine gals. And they should. (I read your article on what this consists of and I honestly have no idea how to become those things. I guess I need to rent some movies and learn old-school.)
2. Attractive people can get other attractive people. Everyone else must look for something similar. Cruel but logical.

Maybe it"s my fault for never wearing heels or makeup, but the only people to ever show interest in me were the same thugs who"d already lost my respect. I would be dressed modestly (okay, sometimes boyishly but comfortably), minding my own business, and one of them would try to grab me or say something stupid while smiling like he was doing me a favor. I yelled a lot in high school and a month ago threatened to call the cops... I don"t understand girls who want "bad boys;" they were irritating scumbags then and they"re irritating scumbags now. I"m not a fixer or a savior. I may want to scrape moles off my torso with a fish scaler, but I will NOT be with anyone who expects me to put out after being mistreated. If I want that I"ll go live with the Taliban. My nice-guy brother says it"s sad because I"m one of three chicks he knows who "gets" this. I told him to go to another country if that"s what it takes for him to get a good wife. Interestingly enough, my misadventures have led me to support the men"s rights movement. I guess I should"ve been doing that anyway as a decent human being. No cold-hearted broad is going to steal half my bro"s stuff...

It"s funny, half the thugs were in shape during school, but now more of them seem to be letting themselves go. I used to think it was fat guys hitting on a fat girl, but my doctor says it"s OK to be 5"6.5" and 150 lb.  We clearly don"t place the same value on health. If they can"t be bothered to take care of themselves, I sure won"t. (More wisdom, gender-flipped here, that I first heard from MRAs. God keep the Happier Abroad crew.) Nor can I bother to overcome the cultural difference -I"d try good and hard for Finnish/Jewish/Cherokee/what-have-you, but not for any gold teeth/n-word/bad grammar nonsense.

If I"m going to be with somebody who can"t speak English, I want it to be Felipe or Chang or someone else who just came here six months ago and is actually trying to have a good life -NOT somebody who couldn"t be bothered to learn in a free public education system and hangs out on the corner bitching about how the white man wants to keep him down. (But Felipe and Chang already have their gorgeous Socorro and Mei.)

 I used to be a coconut-Oreo-loser to people like this and that was before I even got into conventions and coin collecting and I scarcely look different, so what happened? Are they just that desperate?

Originally I was going to list the things I felt I could do right, then realized how arrogant that would sound, and I don"t behave that way because a) it"s shameful b) I have been scared to talk to people since learning about it all (unless I hear "marzipan" or "Imperial China" then all bets are off). Besides, apparently guys just won"t care about any of those things, because of the one thing I can"t help short of a miracle from God. Now guys have the right to like whatever they like, but if I"m screwed (and not in the way I want) then I"d like to be screwed because I messed up somewhere, not because of a random DNA arrangement. Still, if that"s the truth and all I can compete for are thugs, I guess I have to accept it and do one of five things:

A. Become a nun
B. Write some piano sonatas and jump off a bridge (after my parents are dead; I won"t make them live through that!) Or, if "ugly women should be hunted for sport," when I get my gun permit I"ll do it myself.
C. Get a wig, push-up bra, cake on makeup until I"m unrecognizable, and marry someone who will be rightfully pissed off when he learns the truth (if I let him see me naked to begin with; he"ll probably leave me for a better-looking girl)
D. Become Shontavius Ray-Ray Rocket"s third baby mama then jump off a bridge anyway when I realize what I"ve done (unless my brother throws me off first)
E. Spend thousands on porn (I think I have higher testosterone because I have a low 2D:4D ratio and think/fantasize about sex a lot; on the other hand, I"ve heard that some guys have killed their attraction to real women this way and maybe I can do that)
F. Hey, I"m only 25. I haven"t seen it all. I could"ve missed something.

Did I get it right? I can"t put my finger on it... Also, how can I redirect these guys to the girls who DO want jerks/bad boys/future 6-o"clock news stories?

I DO NOT HATE MEN. (I sort of envy them because they get to be strong, rational, detached, etc.)

I"m sorry if I treated you like a shrink; it"s often easier for me to understand situations with background information so I try to provide that when seeking advice. And I didn"t mean to come off as angry. (I didn"t, did I? I"ve been told I do that without even trying or realizing.) I can"t get mad at you no matter what you say/type because you have the spine to open your mouth and be honest, and it"s helping a lot of people. I used to think NOW could do no wrong and the truth makes me sad but it needs to be heard.

Even if you only looked at the first paragraph I"m grateful to you for that. Thanks for your time. Please don"t shut down the blog!

If an unforeseen event causes a significant psychological change in one partner, the other partner could be hard-pressed to make things work depending on how bad the change is. There"s also the chance you might turn out to be married to a sociopath who was very good at hiding their ugly side.

But I feel guilty for not trusting. I give people all sorts of trust upfront on a regular basis upon first meeting. But, yet when it comes to the "biggest" thing in my life, I can"t? Even after lots of time establishing a relationship.

SayWhaat, from your comments, I have definitely realized that screening for high quality character/morals is probably the biggest base for a legitimate marriage and being able to trust. Not that Susan hasn"t touched upon it a few times But you really drove it home for me in this case. Thanks.

Also, thank you to the rest of you. I was relieve to see that if this issue is addressed appropriately, it could potentially work in my situation.

It is interesting to see how you perceive it as a way for me to exit the marriage, and I see it as a way of preventing her from exiting the marriage. I never saw it your way.

Is really interesting because this is in part the reason I don"t believe in cohabitation either, IME many men want to be able to enjoy the woman in her peak years and trade off for a younger model as soon as they find one or have a variety of women on the side while she can"t do anything about it. It happens all the time in my country so cohabitation and prenup is kind of like stating "This is not forever for me and I want to walk out with the minimum fuss for me when I don"t care about you or the children anymore" thus I don"t trust either situation I believe marriage should be something only people that are 100% sure should do.
That being said I did asked my now hubby if he wanted a prenup before we tied the knot (yes big shock) and I would had signed if I could add things to protect myself and my kids like a cheating clause and making sure he will be involved as a father with as many children as we have had at that point, in the event of divorce so as long as the prenup was to protect both of us and not only him I might not like it very much but I wouldn"t see it as some sort of "Good bye, bitch" threat,YMMV.

It is interesting to see how you perceive it as a way for me to exit the marriage, and I see it as a way of preventing her from exiting the marriage. I never saw it your way.

Yeah, it didn"t occur to me until you put it this way, either! You"re very good at seeing the points of two conflicting ideas, Tom.s.