Go Big or Go Home

January 20, 2012

I’m currently reading The Love of My Youth by Mary Gordon. As so often happens these days, I came across something I just have to share with you.

The book is about Adam and Miranda, college sweethearts now in their late 50s. They happen to be in Rome at the same time in 2007, and become reacquainted. Adam is a gifted pianist, and though his career hasn’t panned out as he’d hoped, he was a very serious student of music when they were together. The book contains flashbacks to their relationship, including this one from Miranda’s dorm room in 1967:

Adam and Miranda lie on the blanket; he is running his palms against the soft wool. She tells Adam she’s signed up for a course in music theory. He is rarely angry, but he looks angry now; a beautiful russet creeps up toward his brows and he says, “I don’t want you to do that,” and that, too is odd; he never asks her for anything, but she can ask him why because they love each other, nothing can hurt their love or weaken this bond, which she knows will go on unto death. So without fear she asks, “Why?” and he says, “I want you, when you listen, to listen to me playing. To listen to me, not the music. I need to know you love me as a man, not a musician.

Wow. That really struck me – Adam’s desire to be that special to the woman he loves. More important than the music itself. It echoes many of the comments that men have made here at HUS.

From Lokland yesterday:

The feeling when a woman is completely devoted to you emotionally and sexually is unbelievable. It’s like walking on a cloud 24/7.
I think when guys say they want “respect” that’s what they mean.

And this recent comment by Gabriel:

For men, Respect isn’t just a necessary element of the relationship – it’s a heady aphrodisiac.

In my experience, women don’t really care as much about the idea of Respect as men. It’s lower on their list of priorities. The idea of Respect is to men what the idea of Love is to women – it’s vital, valuable, elusive.

Respect him for his positive traits and victories – even if they’re small. If you expect Love from him, be prepared to deliver Respect. You’d be amazed how committed a man will become to you if you make him feel like he’s the hero.

I don’t think women fully understand how powerful this is – the ability to make a man feel heroic. Here are some other comments I can recall:

I want a woman who’s hard to get for everyone else, but easy to get for me. I want someone who prefers me over every other guy.

The biggest turnon for me during sex is when a woman worships my cock, like it’s the only one she ever wants inside her again. My ability to arouse her gets me off.

I don’t want a girl who acts flirty with other guys. I want a girl who’s totally focused on me, and acts indifferent when other guys give her attention.

When my girlfriend looks up to me, I want to be as good as she believes I am. That’s what guys mean when they say, “You make me a better man.”

I believe women have lost the sense of how powerful this is. In an era characterized by the Principle of Least Interest and heavily guarded hearts, we focus on not getting ahead of ourselves. Not putting our feelings out there out of fear that we’ll be rejected and made to feel foolish.   That’s a loser’s game. So many of the success stories I’ve heard have depended on the persistence of one party, the willingness to put your pride on the line and say what you need to say.

When you like a guy, really, really like a guy, and you’ve established that he is worthy of your respect, go all in. Let him know. Tell him what you like about him. Not just big stuff, but little stuff.

  • You like the dark hair on his wrist.
  • You love to run your fingers over his collar bone after sex.
  • The way his top teeth overlap just a bit drives you crazy.
  • You found it hot when he roughhoused with his nephew.
  • His competence at his work amazes you – he is so smart.
  • His smell really gets you going.
While you’re at it, it can’t hurt to highlight your own femininity.
  • Feel protected in his arms.
  • Feed him. Cook for him.
  • Express appreciation for the money he has spent on you by treating him. An outing, a picnic, a surprise.
  • Sew a button on his shirt (take that radfems!).
  • Listen and be supportive when he’s stressed out. Give him a back rub.
  • Make a nest. Be a refuge from the outside world.
  • Change up the sex. Ask him to name something new he’d like to try.
  • Whisper to him when you’re out with others that you cannot wait to get home to bang his brains out. (But do wait.)

This is just a start – there are thousands of ways to show a man desire and respect. If those don’t get the job done, nothing will. Worst case, you pick up your ball and go home. I’d rather do that than never even get in the game.