Witnessing the Painful Fallout of Female Promiscuity

January 22, 2013

kLast week, new reader Nancy stumbled onto an old post I wrote about one risk of female promiscuity that no one likes to talk about. It led her to share a story that is painful to read, but I offer it here as a public service announcement. 

Millennial women, be aware. Feminism did not rid society of the sexual double standard. Men remain loath to commit to women with considerable previous sexual experience. Why? Because it significantly raises the risk of a man’s raising someone else’s child, which is obviously not in his best interest. He sees your past as a valid predictor of your future behavior. 

The other thing you should be aware of is that the truth will out. Hiding your past for a lifetime is extremely difficult logistically, but it is also very burdensome psychologically to keep that secret. 

From Nancy:

Women need the raw and honest truth.

Women who plan on finding ‘the one’ and getting married one day please, please, PLEASE listen to what these men have to say. I wish more than ANYTHING that I had this valuable insight into how men think and feel about sex, and promiscuous women when I was a teenager. If I have a daughter I will be educating her on this valubale life lesson. I feel like now, at the age of 29, I’m only just learning about men. My eyes have finally been opened. How could I have been so blinded before???

I’m so incredibly sad. I’m living a life full of regret. I am now married to the most wonderful man – he is every woman’s dream:

First impressions: handsome, muscly, tall, the alpha male, excellent communicator.

Lasting impressions: loving, caring, kind, the provider, amazing lover.

Women throw themselves at him.. And he chose to be with me.

Unfortunately I didn’t save myself for him. I was promiscuous when I was single and my sexual past is putting a HUGE strain on our relationship. It is the ONLY thing we fight about. He loves me and cares for me, but he doesn’t respect me. I hope and pray that we can get through this. Your past DOES matter and it will always come back to haunt you.

When my husband and I first started dating he told me that he had issues with promiscuous women, and he asked me what I was like when I was single. I didn’t reveal to him my exact number, I simply said, “I haven’t slept with many guys”. Amongst my circle of friends it was considered a below average number, but on a global scale I now realise it’s a very high number.

At the time he was satisfied with my answer.. But 6 months later the topic came up again. He wanted an exact number. I did what many women do, and I lied. I told him 10 less than the actual number. That number already doubled his acceptable quota, and he was really disgusted with me. However, he stayed with me.

Another 6 months later I finally came clean and confessed my real number. He was SO close to just ending it with me right then and there. Not only was I a slut, but I was a liar, which was even worse. Breaking trust in a relationship is the WORST thing you can ever do. He was so angry with me for ‘pulling the wool over his eyes’..for trying to make myself appear better than I really was. I just didn’t want him to judge me for my past. I wanted him to get to know me as a person first, and love and accept me for who I am today. He says that what I did wasn’t fair because he fell in love with me…but he hates my past. There’s no way in hell he would’ve got involved with me if he’d known how many people I’d slept with.

Over one year later we’re still together and recently got married. He now knows everything about me. My past is shamful and embarrassing, but it feels really good to be open and honest with him. There are no more secrets. He is doing his best to love and accept me for who I am. He knows that I am a good person, and a loving wife with a lot to offer. He just wishes I made better choices in my past. Some days are really hard and he can’t stop thinking about the things that I’ve done. I feel badly and think that he could’ve had any girl in the world – an innocent girl – but instead he’s stuck with me. Damaged goods.

Nancy then offers advice on how women can keep their number low:

Make him work for it – Play hard to get. Let him wine and dine you. Let him chase you. Be his prize. Never be easy. Never give in. Go on many dates. Get to know him before you give yourself to him. Don’t be naive and sleep in his bed (or he in yours) and think you’ll ‘just cuddle’. He will keep trying and trying until you give in and he has his way with you. Then it’s all over red rover. You blew it!

I won’t endorse the advice exactly as written, because it sets expectations too high for male investment early on in a feminist era. However, I will say that Nancy has the right idea – the most important thing women can do is aggressively filter out men who want no-strings sex. David Buss’ seminal book The Evolution of Desire explains the importance this strategy: 

The key problem women have always had to face is selecting a man who would be willing to commit to a long-term relationship.  A woman who mated with a reliable man who was more likely to commit to her was more likely to have children that survived and thrived.  A mate who was flighty, impulsive, and philandering meant a woman had to raise her children alone, without benefit of the resources, protection and aid that another man might have offered.  So, over thousands of generations, a preference for men who showed signs of being willing and able to commit evolved in women.

The great initial parental investment of women makes them a valuable but limited resource.  Reproductive resources cannot be allocated indiscriminately or dispensed to many men. Evolution favored women who were highly selective about their mates.  If a woman walked away from a casual encounter pregnant, she bore the costs of that decision for decades afterward. Today, the pill alters that cost.  But sexual psychology evolved over millions of years.  We still possess this underlying sexual psychology even though our environment has changed.

…Evolution has favored women who prefer men who possess attributes that confer benefits and who dislike men who possess attributes that impose costs.

…Because sex is one of the most valuable reproductive resources women can offer, they have evolved psychological mechanisms that cause them to resist giving it away indiscriminately.  Requiring love, sincerity and kindness is a way of securing a commitment of resources commensurate with the value of the resource that women give up to men.

Our culture penalizes women who hold out and require commitment before they have sex. It’s far from easy. Unfortunately, you have only two  choices:

Strategy A: Hold out.

Strategy B: Give in. 

Nancy is a tragic example of Strategy B. She has generously shared her story as a witness to the fallout.