How to Tell If They’ll Ever Commit to You

October 29, 2018

Gabby Orcutt via Unsplash

I get a ton of inquiries about why a romantic prospect is acting some specific (usually uninterpretable) way. Oftentimes, daters will want to know why their partner’s behaviors are inconsistent, why they run hot and cold, or why they seem distant — and all of the questions usually boil down to just one. Will this person ever commit to me?

Commitment is the chief concern of modern daters who seek me out. It feels scarce. (Just try online dating for three to six months, and you’ll see what I mean.) Among millennials, marriage is delayed in favor of travel, friends, college, career and life experiences. And none of that is a bad thing. But it does make for an absolutely chaotic landscape where commitment isn’t always on the table. Of course, very few daters are completely straightforward about that.

So, if you want to know if someone will commit to you, take a look at their life and ask yourself if the person you’ve been seeing has said any of the following:

  • “I’m going to be traveling a lot this year.”
  • “I’m thinking of changing careers.”
  • “I’ve been thinking about going back to school.”
  • “I’d love to move across the country!”
  • “I just got out of a monster relationship, and I’m not in a rush.”
  • “I haven’t played the field much.”
  • “I want to have control of my time.

All of these statements indicate your romantic prospect is “not ready” to commit. Modern daters are an idealistic bunch. They want the absolute best — and they know it will take work to maintain that sort of relationship. And it’s work they’re not always ready to put forth.

It’s also work that would be in vain if they’re not yet the person they want to be. If you don’t know who you are and where you’re going, how on earth are you supposed to commit to someone for the long haul? Especially someone who’s miles ahead and knows exactly what they want?? Terrifying, right? You can’t. It’s just impossible.

So the next time you’ve got a question about whether your partner is ever going to truly commit to you, ask yourself (or him) if they know what they want. Ask them if they plan to make any big changes within the next year or two. Or just think back. Oftentimes, people tell you exactly who they are. Your prospect has probably already told you the answer you’re looking for — even if it’s not the one you want to hear.